The End

Dear Readers and Friends,

Today is the 3 year anniversary of this blog.

Today is also the end of this blog.

After spending a few weeks thinking really really hard, I’ve determined that I need a break from lots of things. And some things I just need to let go of, like this blog.

I’ve had a rough year.

Let’s see…found out my favorite and dearest aunt who was only 50 years old had stage 4 lung cancer, my sister got a staph infection on her mitral valve from using a dirty needle to shoot up heroine and ended up having open heart surgery, my other sister had a baby addicted to methadone and child protective services was called resulting in my father having custody of baby, my favorite and dearest aunt died leaving a hole in my heart, and then my neighbor and very close friend killed herself and her two cats with a gun leaving my heart a gaping empty cavern.

And I’m done.

I can’t share how I’m feeling or my life anymore. With anyone.  Not right now. 

I don’t feel like I know myself. I don’t recognize the woman I see in the mirror. I’m tired all of the time…all of the time.

And I’ve been hiding.

What I’m starting to understand is that I haven’t dealt with what’s happened in a way that facilitates moving on. I have been just chugging ahead, not looking behind me and that’s not healthy. Ghosts are everywhere and they love sneaking up on you.  My soul is a haunted graveyard at the moment.

So, I’m dealing with my grief. I miss my aunt so much that I cry just thinking about her. And I think about her everyday. I miss my neighbor. Her absence is deafening. Her empty hollow house screams at me each time I walk in and out of my door.  I’m sad.

I want to thank each and every person who has read this blog. I sincerely appreciate all of you. I wish you all the best.

I feel like I’m breaking up with you all. It sort of is like that, I guess.

I didn’t think I’d cry and yet here I am, crying my eyes out. It’s hard to say goodbye to something I loved. I felt like I was talking to her, Fresh Air Lover, when I wrote on these pages. She was a good friend.

I’ll keep this blog up for a while if you want to read any of the old stuff. But, eventually she’s going away. The end is the end.

Best wishes and lots of love,
Debbie

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Sometimes I hate people and my weekend of sitting on my ass

During the week, I meet the my mother at a parking lot between both of our homes so that we can carpool to work.  On Friday, my mom dropped me off at my car and as I was opening the door to get in two young black men pulled up behind me and asked me where the nearest Bank of America was.  I walked over to their car and told them how the easiest way to get there.  They thanked me and went on their way.  I wouldn’t have given this moment another thought had the following not happened.

After they drove away, a woman parked near me smiled at me and said, “You’re brave.”

I looked up sharply and asked her, “Why was I brave?”

“I would have been freaked out if two black guys pulled up behind me like that.”  She said as she walked toward me.

Now, listen up white people.  I’m not the one to say these ignorant statements to.  I’m not part of your club.  I may be white, sometimes so pail that I’m transparent, but I’m just not the one.

“Why would you have freaked out?  Is it because they were men or because they were black or because you’re an asshole?”  I shake my head at her and start to get into my car.  I had shit to do and didn’t want to waste any more time on this dumb bitch.  Yup, she was a dumb bitch.

She laughed a really fake, kind of scary laugh and said defensively, “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Bullshit.”  I say and drive away.

You know, I believe that you get what you give.  I believe that people are generally good and I treat them with courtesy and respect until they give me a reason not to.  No matter what race, religion, or species they are.

These types of situations always irritate the hell out of me.

The rest of the weekend was beautifully relaxing.  I haven’t left my apartment.  I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas.  Yesterday, I made homemade meatballs and gravy, and then I made homemade doughnuts.  My friend called in the middle of my making the doughnuts and when I told her what I was doing she hung up on me and came over.  We stood in my kitchen and ate hot, freshly glazed doughnuts as soon as they were cool enough to eat.  it was heaven.  I could feel my ass growing as I was pigging out and I didn’t care.  Have you ever had freshly made doughnuts?  They’re delicious.

And that’s all.  I’m watching a marathon of the Amazing Race 12 and enjoying the relaxing current that has grabbed hold of me.

Cheers.

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Oh hell…

I just read the post below and realized the writing was extremely lazy.  Yikes.  I can’t be arsed to change it now, but I want to apologize for how shitty it reads.

I’m off to make tea.  Night, pumpkins.

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Ssssssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m so meaning to write something here, but I’ve been busy, my head’s been up my ass, I’m lazy, real life has been breaking down my door, or uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh.

I swear I’ll write tomorrow.  Seriously.  I have shit to talk about.  I really do.  Read the archives or something.  This blog used to be good, I swear.

Shit.

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Dear Drunk Construction Worker on the 6:30 AM train:

Nobody cares if your ass itches.

Sincerely,
Debbie

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It’s been raining all day and I love it.

I feel like it hasn’t rained a healthy steady rain in months here. It’s been raining all day and I love it. Soaking, steady, cleansing rain. It’s supposed to be cool and rainy all week. For someone who hates the summer, like me, this is awesome news.

I know I’m behind the times, but I read the whole Twilight Series and I loved it. A friend at work lent me Twilight about a month ago and I put off reading it for whatever reason. I never heard of the book before and it sounded a bit hokey. A girl falling in love with a vampire. Yeah, like I haven’t heard or read that one before. Well, I got sucked in and loved the book. And then I found out that the fourth book just came out, with much fanfare which I again missed, and I immediately went out and bought all four books in hardcover. I loved each book. And I just found out that they made a movie of the first book, Twilight, and I’m really excited to see it when it comes out. The trailer looks really interesting. I hope they stayed true to the story, because it’s quite a beautiful, and strange, love story.

Oh, and I forgot to share a fun little story with you all. On Friday, I was walking back to work from the Reading Terminal Market at lunchtime and my skirt blew up over my head. Yup. I was walking over a subway grate and a train must have gone past, and the next thing I knew my skirt was blocking my vision. Luckily, I was wearing panties.

And now, for those of you interested, I have recorded a Podcast where I talk about the songs on my playlist and what they mean to me.  You can listen to it here if you want.

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Slowly dipping my feet into the pool of life…hopefully nobody throws a hairdryer in

It’s been a week since I last wrote.  I can’t tell you all how many times I have opened my computer with good intentions of updating this space only to find myself shutting the laptop with an impatient snap.  I’m tired and bored with myself and life in general.  I’m also bitter.  About everything.  I’m hiding it well, I think, but it’s there.  I told someone today that bitter isn’t a color that looks good on me.  It’s true.  I suppose I’ll snap out of it soon.

With that bit of brightness out of me, I’ll give you a bit of an udate about myself.

1. I’m afraid to listen to music.  Not music on the radio.  Most of that is rubbish.  I’m talking about my favorite music.  The music that usually soothes me.  I can’t bring myself to listen to it.  I get anxious just thinking about it.  I’m afraid I’ll lose it.
2. I never thought I’d admit this, but I’m watching Big Brother and it’s sucked me in.  So embarrassing.
3. I’m not running right now.  My foot is done.  I’m taking a break.  I am exercising in my apartment, doing aerobics, yoga, and stuff like that.
4. I found this great shirt on the clearance rack at Target.  It’s a short-sleeved, zippered hoodie with cool patterns on it.  My kind of price too $4.98.  So, I bought 3 of them.  I could seriously wear them everyday.
5. I started eating meat again.  I feel better.  I was struggling with vegetarianism.  I was hungry all of the time.  ALL OF THE TIME.  Like stomach growling hungry.  Light-headed hungry.  I had to do something. 
6. The Harry Potter teaser trailer is awesome.  The young Tom Riddle looks so creepy.  I can’t freakin wait.

That’s all folks.  i wish I had more to talk about.

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I’m still here and I’m getting better

This has been one of the worst weeks I can remember.  My aunt dying didn’t affect me like this.  It’s probably because she was so sick.

We buried my neighbor today.  It was just a simple graveside ceremony in the cemetery she shot herself in.  About 30 people came to say goodbye to her.  I lost it about halfway through.  I’m just going to miss her.  By the time we laid the roses on her casket, I was sick with grief.  Now, I’m just exhausted.  It was a draining day.

Things I have found out about the incident…she went to the cemetery that was built across the street from the house she grew up in, on the land her grandfather once owned, where her grandfather and father are buried.  She went to the farthest point from those graves and shot each cats once, and then she shot herself twice in the chest and once in the head with an antique .38 pistol that belonged to her grandfather.

She was in financial ruin.  We think that she sent about $500,000 to the scam people.  We’re now going through the process of cleaning out her house.  In her will, she stated that I was to get second pick at her belongings.  I got a lamp I always loved and her bedroom furniture.

I found out that she only left packages to me and her childhood best friend.  Both of us received the bag of underwear with jewelry.  I now think that the underwear was in the bag to hide the fact that there was jewelry in there.

Other than that, I’m fine.  I haven’t slept well.  I haven’t worked out.  I haven’t been eating right.  But I’m fine.

Tomorrow, I get back to normal.  I went grocery shopping today and cooked dinner for myself…the first time I’ve done that in over a week.  I will work out after work.  I will go to sleep before midnight.

Eh.

I miss my friend.

Thank you all for your beautiful emails and kind words in the comments.  Your words have meant the world to me.  I’m lucky to have such sweet readers.

Is it wrong to feel like this year has been a fucking nightmare already?  So much has happened.  Not normal everyday things, but big deal, only happens in movies, things have happened.  I’m tired of it.

Regular programming to begin shortly.

Thanks for your patience.

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My life has been boring, so…

I thought I’d share this adorable picture with you all.

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Flying monkeys, what if your mama is the drama, kitty squirts, and an attack of cuteness

See that picture up there. Yeah, take a good look. See those black statues around the base. Well the other day I was walking out of work and I thought, for a nanosecond, that they were giant flying monkeys. I’m dead serious.

I know, I know. That’s the kind of crazy that is only reserved for…well, the crazy. But, in my defense, I had worked really hard that day and was kind of tired. Still, flying monkeys is nuts. My heart actually skipped a beat in fear. Yes, but only for a nanosecond.

Well, my younger sister (the one who just had a baby) almost lost her baby because her mother called child protective services. Her mother, the prostitute and drug addict and my abusive ex-stepmother, tried to get her daughter’s child taken away because her daughter is addicted to drugs. We find out that my sister, her daughter, is addicted to drugs because her mother is a sick bitch who pressures her own children to take drugs or else she does things like try to get their kids taken away.

Seriously, the reason for her calling to have the baby taken was because my sister moved in with my dad to get away from her. Thank goodness my dad is a cop. He was able to talk to the case manager and now has temporary custody of the baby until my sister gets out of rehab. She’s going away for 6 months to a facility that she can’t sign herself out of. Only my dad can sign her out per a court order the case manager obtained. Best news ever. The baby is still in the hospital and is coming home next week sometime.

Oh, and my sister is also getting a restraining order on her mother.

Ugh.

One of my babies was sick yesterday. Little Nina was vomiting and squirting the whole day. Baby girl was so upset. Thankfully, I don’t get grossed out easily. I made her drink lots of water and after a few hours of wondering what the hell was going on, it dawned on me that the kittens were eating Stella’s Fancy Feast (Stella won’t eat any other food…I’ve tried). I think the food was too rich for her belly. I got her eating kitten food and she’s been right as rain since.

But, I was scared for a few hours. She’s tiny and only 8 weeks old.

Even more scared than when I saw the giant flying monkeys.

And finally, hold onto your asses…because this is fucking cute. Roslin thinks she thinks she’s the mommy. And Nina and Hayden are going right along with it. Stella Marie is still pissed.*

*My friend Jason has sympathized with Stella Marie and asked me, “What if one day Stella Marie came home with 3 Debbies? How would you feel?” Point taken. Poor Stella Marie. But she’ll eventually get over it.

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