The End

Dear Readers and Friends,

Today is the 3 year anniversary of this blog.

Today is also the end of this blog.

After spending a few weeks thinking really really hard, I’ve determined that I need a break from lots of things. And some things I just need to let go of, like this blog.

I’ve had a rough year.

Let’s see…found out my favorite and dearest aunt who was only 50 years old had stage 4 lung cancer, my sister got a staph infection on her mitral valve from using a dirty needle to shoot up heroine and ended up having open heart surgery, my other sister had a baby addicted to methadone and child protective services was called resulting in my father having custody of baby, my favorite and dearest aunt died leaving a hole in my heart, and then my neighbor and very close friend killed herself and her two cats with a gun leaving my heart a gaping empty cavern.

And I’m done.

I can’t share how I’m feeling or my life anymore. With anyone.  Not right now. 

I don’t feel like I know myself. I don’t recognize the woman I see in the mirror. I’m tired all of the time…all of the time.

And I’ve been hiding.

What I’m starting to understand is that I haven’t dealt with what’s happened in a way that facilitates moving on. I have been just chugging ahead, not looking behind me and that’s not healthy. Ghosts are everywhere and they love sneaking up on you.  My soul is a haunted graveyard at the moment.

So, I’m dealing with my grief. I miss my aunt so much that I cry just thinking about her. And I think about her everyday. I miss my neighbor. Her absence is deafening. Her empty hollow house screams at me each time I walk in and out of my door.  I’m sad.

I want to thank each and every person who has read this blog. I sincerely appreciate all of you. I wish you all the best.

I feel like I’m breaking up with you all. It sort of is like that, I guess.

I didn’t think I’d cry and yet here I am, crying my eyes out. It’s hard to say goodbye to something I loved. I felt like I was talking to her, Fresh Air Lover, when I wrote on these pages. She was a good friend.

I’ll keep this blog up for a while if you want to read any of the old stuff. But, eventually she’s going away. The end is the end.

Best wishes and lots of love,

I’m sure that the title of the post woke you up.  Good.  The title was actually to me.  I just don’t want to do anything that would make me disappointed in myself.  Does that make sense?

Yesterday, I attended the wedding of my parent’s two friends.  It was a great time, although I spent most of the reception outside since it was stifling inside the fire hall.  It was so gorgeous outside.  It would take me a week’s worth of posts to describe how much I love this time of year.

After the reception, people were invited back to the happy couple’s house.  My sister and I went for a couple of hours.  We had some food and after eating I felt exhausted.  I got home around 11:30 PM and showered and went to bed.

At 3:30 AM my ringing phone woke me up.  I read the caller ID not quite believing my eyes.  The Pilot?

I answer the phone.  My heart was beating so hard that my whole body felt it.  He sounded a bit drunk which is very odd.  He’s never drunk.  He never loses control.  He hasn’t called me in months.

I ask him what’s going on and he says that has bad news for me.  I can honestly say that I thought he was going to tell me he gave me an STD or something.  What else could he be calling me for?  Especially since I walked away from him the last time I saw him.

But, he doesn’t have an STD or anything like that.  He called to tell me that he’s going to be stationed somewhere else and that he’s leaving in a few months.  I asked him why he felt he had to tell me this at 3:30 AM today when we hadn’t spoken or been in touch in months.  He said that he was thinking about me because it was would have been our 3 year anniversary today.

I totally forgot.

Does that mean I’m finally over him or does it mean that so much has happened in the past few months that I haven’t had time to really think about anniversary’s with exes?

I tell him that I appreciate his call, but I’m tired.  He says to keep in touch.  Yeah right.  If I keep in touch I will be on my knees again, a little pathetic slave to him.  I truly believe that he is like a drug to me.  One taste and I’m hooked again.

I wish that there is an end to this story now.  Maybe when he leaves, I can finally get over him.  Or maybe I’ll meet someone who will fuck the memory of him out of me.

Seriously though, right now I don’t want a relationship with anyone.  All I want is a regular fuck.  Someone who will leave me alone all week and will come over on the weekends for some sex.  I don’t want tenderness or love or promises.  That kind of shit makes me feel tired and drained.  I don’t want emails all week about how much you’re thinking about me.  I just want a phone call saying what time to expect you.

Is that cold?

Anyhow, the phone call ended with me telling him goodbye for good.  I told him that.  Goodbye forever.

So, of course I couldn’t sleep after this.  I’ve been tired all day sitting here in my pjs watching movies and trying not to think about anything involving the Pilot or love or the last time I had sex or the next time I’m going to have sex or………

Coquettishly is updated.  Yes, I know it’s been months.  Maybe if I was getting any, I would be more willing to write about sex.  Or maybe if I write about sex, then the sex will come.  Who knows?

I’m starting a new segment on here and maybe I’ll stick to it, but I need to remember some good stuff because in the last fate has taken a big shit on me.  For instance, I am coming down with a cold or a plague, the blister I’ve had on my heel for a week is still oozing puss, Hayden tore me up from chest to back while I was holding him during a thunderstorm, and the nail polish I put on my fingernails last night has caused the cuticles and the skin under them on my left hand to break out with dermatitis.  Fuck yeah.

So, I have a fake smile planted on my face and I’m thinking of the things that make me happy.  Let’s see if I can think of 5 at the moment.  Here it goes.

  1. Peanut butter.  Whether straight out of the jar, spread on apple slices, or in a PB&J…doesn’t matter.  The only requirement is that it has to be natural peanut butter, because I like it grittier…grrr…, and has to be accompanied with a tall glass of cold milk.
  2. Kittens and puppies fat little bellies.  Don’t you love those chubby little things.  I pick Nina up all of the time and rub my nose on her fat little belly.  Hayden is a scrawny little thing and has no fat belly. His tail is about a foot and a half long though.  I measured it.  He’s the cutest scrawny little guy.  Stella’s belly is fat too, so I rub my nose on hers too.  Roslin isn’t down with that, but she lay on her back and let me rub her fat belly.
  3. My gray fleece pants I bought circa 1998 at Old Navy.  They are so big on me that I have to hold them if I walk more the 5 steps, but I love them.  They have been washed so many times that they are softer than soft.  I will cry when these fall apart.
  4. The milk that’s left after you’ve eaten the cereal.  Apple Jack’s makes the best milk.
  5. www.passiveagreesivenotes.com…fucking hilarious

You know what, I’m going to read this list again and try for the warm fuzzies because if that fucker who lives down the street rides by in his loud fucking mo-ped (sp…who gives a fuck?) I’m going to rip his little rotten piece of shit pecker off.  For real for real.

Serenity…come to me.

During the week, I meet the my mother at a parking lot between both of our homes so that we can carpool to work.  On Friday, my mom dropped me off at my car and as I was opening the door to get in two young black men pulled up behind me and asked me where the nearest Bank of America was.  I walked over to their car and told them how the easiest way to get there.  They thanked me and went on their way.  I wouldn’t have given this moment another thought had the following not happened.

After they drove away, a woman parked near me smiled at me and said, “You’re brave.”

I looked up sharply and asked her, “Why was I brave?”

“I would have been freaked out if two black guys pulled up behind me like that.”  She said as she walked toward me.

Now, listen up white people.  I’m not the one to say these ignorant statements to.  I’m not part of your club.  I may be white, sometimes so pail that I’m transparent, but I’m just not the one.

“Why would you have freaked out?  Is it because they were men or because they were black or because you’re an asshole?”  I shake my head at her and start to get into my car.  I had shit to do and didn’t want to waste any more time on this dumb bitch.  Yup, she was a dumb bitch.

She laughed a really fake, kind of scary laugh and said defensively, “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Bullshit.”  I say and drive away.

You know, I believe that you get what you give.  I believe that people are generally good and I treat them with courtesy and respect until they give me a reason not to.  No matter what race, religion, or species they are.

These types of situations always irritate the hell out of me.

The rest of the weekend was beautifully relaxing.  I haven’t left my apartment.  I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas.  Yesterday, I made homemade meatballs and gravy, and then I made homemade doughnuts.  My friend called in the middle of my making the doughnuts and when I told her what I was doing she hung up on me and came over.  We stood in my kitchen and ate hot, freshly glazed doughnuts as soon as they were cool enough to eat.  it was heaven.  I could feel my ass growing as I was pigging out and I didn’t care.  Have you ever had freshly made doughnuts?  They’re delicious.

And that’s all.  I’m watching a marathon of the Amazing Race 12 and enjoying the relaxing current that has grabbed hold of me.


Longest post title ever.  Like Fiona Apple long.

Last night/this morning, I had a migraine that was so grand that I wanted to rip my brain out of my head.  I had to call out of work today because I hardly slept all night and my head was still a mess this morning.  Ugh.  I still have twinges, but I’m feeling a little better.  Ugh.

This week has been quite busy for me.  I’ve hardly been home and when I have been here, I’m trying to write and can’t because people keep calling me.  I know I know…I don’t have to answer the phone, but they’ll just keep calling my house line and cell until I pick up.  My family and friends are persistant stinkers.

Now for the updates:

  1. I got a new cell phone and new cell number.  I know that people love keeping their numbers, but when I get a new phone I feel that it’s an opportunity to start fresh.  Those fuckers that keep calling me, even though I don’t want them to can find someone else to bug.  Oh, and I got the EnV.  I love it.  It took me forever to figure out which phone I wanted, but I settled on this one because of the keyboard and the built in music player.  I don’t need to carry both my Ipod and my cell phone anymore.
  2. i have a bone to pick with Apple.  Yes, that Apple.  I’m in the process of converting all of the songs I have bought from ITunes to MP3 because these asswipes can’t put their files in a formt that can be used on anything other than an Ipod.  Fuck you.  I bought the song, let me do what I want with it.  I have spent the past few hours burning all of the music I have bought off of ITunes onto a CD and then reloading the songs into Itunes so that I can convert the music.  I’m then deleting all of the files that are retarded from Apple.  They should reimburse me for my fucking time.  I’m never downloading another song from ITunes.  I will make Amazon my place for music.  They have more of a selection anyhow.
  3. To provide you all further evidence that I am a dork, I will tell you what my ringtone is for my new foxy phone.  It’s Hedwig’s Theme from Harry Potter.  Yeah, you wish you were as cool as me.
  4. I’m reading the book The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula le Guin.  It’s brilliant.  I want everyone who loves to read to go to the bookstore, pick up the book, and read the first couple paragraphs of the book.  If that brilliant peace of writing doesn’t ensnare you, you have no soul and you’re dismissed from my blog.
  5. The show Fringe is fucking awesome.  It has, so far, replaced the whole in my heart left by The X-Files has left.  I love this shit.  Crazy, out of this world, impossible, and tests the limits of our beliefs and imagination.  This is what television and entertainment is about.

That’s all.  Have a great weekend!

Oh hell…

I just read the post below and realized the writing was extremely lazy.  Yikes.  I can’t be arsed to change it now, but I want to apologize for how shitty it reads.

I’m off to make tea.  Night, pumpkins.

Worst hangover in months…

Yesterday, I went to a local Irish festival with my mom, stepdad, and their friends.  My uncle and cousin were there too.  I had a good time, the music was quite good.  I had about 5 hard ciders with little to eat.  After the festival, I went to my mom’s friends house for a barbacue.  They lit their fire pit, even though it was hot as fuck, and we drank lots of homemade wine.

And today I have paid for it dearly.  I also made these Pilsbury cinnamon rolls and ate them all.  This always happens when I’m hungover.  Can you say oink oink?.

A few things happened at the festival:

  1. I got choked up when the bagpipers were playing.  Why?  I have no idea.  It just got to me.
  2. I saw 2 old friends I haven’t seen in years.  It’s nice to run into old friends.
  3. While I was going around to the different vendors, a teenage girl was staring at me like I was some kind of freak.  I frowned at her and she blurted out, “You have golden eyes.”  I said, “Yes, I do.”  She then looked around and whispered, “You’re not a vampire, are you?”  I wasn’t drunk yet, if that’s what you’re thinking.  I rolled my eyes and asked her if she liked the Twilight books and she giggled.  I informed her that they weren’t for real.  She said, “I know that.”  So I asked her, “Why the fuck did you ask me if I was a vampire?”  Ugh.  I can’t stand retarded people.  Not real mentally challenged people, my heart goes out to them.  I’m talking about normal people who don’t think.  Especially, know it all retarded teenagers.  Am I a vampire?  What the fuck!  And why do these idiots always come up to me?
  4. I used a port-a-potty three times without gagging.

Oh, and I’m loving the new HBO series True Blood.  I bought all of the books in the series that inspired the series and I really loved those too.  Maybe I am a vampire, though I’d rather be a ninja.

Vampire eye…really?

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I’m so meaning to write something here, but I’ve been busy, my head’s been up my ass, I’m lazy, real life has been breaking down my door, or uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh.

I swear I’ll write tomorrow.  Seriously.  I have shit to talk about.  I really do.  Read the archives or something.  This blog used to be good, I swear.


My Chapter 1 Playlist

I made a playlist that represents the first chapter of my book (look over on the side there).  Enjoy the music while I get my next post together.  I’ll be discussing love, sex, marriage, selfishness, and why I hate the way certain women think.

Kisses and see ya tomorrow.