I don’t have much too say tonight. I got a pedicure earlier and I think I fell in love with the guy who was doing me as he gave me the best calf massage I’ve ever had, but when it was over and I was sitting under the blue light waiting for the piggies to dry I realized it wasn’t true love. True love lasts forever (or until after you get to Vegas and have sobered up) and I was over him the minute he told me I had to get out of the massage chair. I could have sat there all night. At least the piggies look pretty.
I had the following conversation with my new cubicle neighbor:
JW: Does anyone need a babywipe before I put them away?
Me: What? A babywipe? What the hell are you carrying them around for?
JW: Well Debbie, you never know when you’ll have to drop deuce outside.
Me: Drop deuce? You mean have a poo.
JW: What are you 10? Have a poo? Yes, dropping deuce is another saying for take a shit.
Me: Wait a minute, when the hell are you pooing outside?
JW: I meant outside my house, not outside outside.
Me: That’s good, because for a minute there I thought that maybe you were the guy I saw shitting in the alley a couple weeks ago.
JW: You know it would be very freeing to just shit wherever you want outside. It would be sort of like saying ‘Fuck you’ to the world.
Me: Dogs shit wherever they want. Do you want to be a dog?
JW: Dogs can lick their own balls. (and then he smiles)
All day long I’ve had the following in my head: G’s up, ho’s down, while you motherfucker’s bounce to this. And at some point I started saying Snoop Debbie Dog and immediately starting giggling. I am aware that I’m the only one I’m cracking up. It’s okay, as long as I continue to amuse myself.
Earlier this evening I thought my cell phone was ringing, but wasn’t sure because it’s only rang twice since I got it (oh, you can tell I’m loved huh? actually, only a few people have the number.**insert diabolical laughter**). So, I get my phone out of my purse and look at it perplexed. Then I realized that the music I was hearing was from the speakers in the store I was in. I seriously wonder how I get myself to work in one piece sometimes.
I’m pretty sure you all don’t care, but I got my period today and I’d like to know what I did to deserve this kind of torture. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so dense the past couple of days. My head hurts, my lower back is swollen and sore, my body is tired, my cramps are so bad that there are times I’ll go mad from the pain, and I’m sleepy.
I’m taking the day off tomorrow (people, I have lots of days to use up so I don’t want to hear any shit). I’m calling in ‘I’ll be sick if I have to work in this gorgeous weather’. It’s supposed to be GORGEOUS and I will be swinging on a hammock outside, reading the 6th Harry Potter, and sipping homemade iced tea. I will nap, snuggling deep in my covers and pillows, and dream of happy things. You are welcome to join me, but you have to promise to bring me ice cream.
Smooches my loveys.
Fresh Air Lover 
That dog balls part of the post reminded me of an old joke.
Two drunks stumble out of a bar and notice a dog on the sidewalk, licking its balls.
One drunk gestures to the dog and slurs, “Jeesh, I wish I could do that!”‘
And the other drunk replies, “Well, you better pet him first…he might bite ya!”
– D.
I’d bring ice cream, but I couldn’t guarantee I’d get there before it melted.
Uh…..how come I don’t have you cellie digits????
Uh huh….I see how it is.
Give ’em up.
You know I love the poo conversations and reading that one had me goin a little bit…I actually thought JW was talking about poopin outside outside. I thought I was gonna gag until you so nicely cleared that up for me.
Have a fun day off…I’m jealous!!
i’m pretty sure that you get more time off than the person who owns the company (hotwire says jealously…)
I’m confused as to why you’d need babywipes to shit at work. Is it because companies usually buy sandpaper toilet paper or is there some other reason I’m not aware of?
Two thoughts–We use a lot of baby wipes in my classroom. They are good for cleaning desks and wiping things off quickly, and they smell good.
If it’s that bad when you get your period, you might want to go on the pill, if that’s an option. If you’re already on it and it’s still that bad, switch to a different kind.
Enjoy your day off!
My 6 year old knows that “deuce” term. “Jake what are you doing upstairs??””I’m taking a DEUCE mom”……..”OH ok” There was horror in my eyes, I have no idea where he heard it from.
No pic of the piggies?!?!? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours! I got mine done a few weeks ago and they still look nice!!!
Ahhh, the dreaded period. I fucking hate it, why do us women get all the shit in this world?? Oh that’s right, we are the stronger sex….my bad, I forgot!
Enjoy your day off, say hello to Harry for me, that book was GOOD!!!
I hope you’re having a relaxing day. I’m taking tomorrow off (I have 25 days of vaca this year!). But I’m taking tomorrow as a “personal day” (I only get 2 of those).
Snootchie-bootchies!
I’m with V. Show them toes. And yeah, why don’t I have this super-secret number? Aren’t I in the FAL Super Cool Fan Club? I paid my dues – I got the canceled check and everything.
I see how it is. It’s because I’m black, isn’t it??? Uh huh. Yeah.
Rollin’ down the street, smokin’ endo, sippin’ on gin and juice. LAID BACK! I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Medical publishing or medical advertising? ‘Cause editors are always my best friends…
dim: That’s funny. I never heard that one.
liz: Yeah, it’s a long way. But you can be here in spirit. I’m ready to watch Amelie.
laurie: They’re coming.
helpmebubba: Seriously, I thought he was nuts before he explained.
hotwire: I have 20 vacation days, 5 personal days, and 10 sick days a year. And then my company lets us have summer hours where you can have every other Friday off if you want. I know, I’m lucky.
jenny: I haven’t the faintest idea. I guess he uses them for his hands too. I was more hung up on the whole pooing outside statement.
b: I am on the pill and I really like this brand because it hasn’t made my breasts any bigger. I’m a DD now, I can’t get any bigger. I just can’t.
v: I’ll post a pic of the piggies if you want to see them. I’m halfway done and it’s awesome.
yllwdaisies: I’m very relaxed. I’m in my favorite comfy clothes and having some tea. I will be putting Amelie in the DVD player soon.
DD: Wow, I’m so popular. I’ve only had the digits for two weeks. The best part of the song is “we don’t love them ho’s, I’m out the door”. Oh I love me some Snoop.
jj: Medical publishing, thank you. Yeah, editing. My title is Journal Manager, as I’m pretty much the boss of 3 medical journals.
Have fun playing hooky! I need to finish that book too by the way. Enjoy!!
That pretty much sounds like the best day off EVER.
Lucky.
I love sour patch kids. Baby wipes are great for spot removing stains on the clothes you’re wearing. Yeah, sorry, I’m a nerd.
I like your new cube neighbor. makes me wish mine were as cool. And that I had a cube to myself.
They look marvelous!! Is that “I’m not really a waitress” Red by OPI??? That’s what I’m wearing and it’s my FAV!!!
I’ll post a pic of mine later since you so awesomely posted your pic!
What beautiful piggies you have!
drop deuce? what are you stewie griffin?
Pretty pedi! I love the color! 😉
G’s up. Ho’s down.
you mean he mentioned baby wipes, and you didn’t immediately bring up my guide to taking a dump? who are you?
neverenough: I’m almost finished now and I don’t want it to end. I can’t believe how good these books are.
duckie: It was pretty good.
HDD: No you aren’t. That’s a really good idea.
clairebell: Yes, all of the people I’m sitting with now are extremely cool.
v: Close, but it’s “Chick flick Red” by OPI.
liz: I love my piggies.
sarah: I didn’t say drop deuce. I wasn’t even sure what it was.
novelist: Thank you very much.
duckie: while you motherfucker’s bounce to this…
lozo: Oh my god. I totally forgot about your pooing guide. Can you ever forgive me? I’m going to have to mention you in one of my posts again, aren’t I?
just saw mother fucking G-Love Sunday night. He did his version of Gin and Juice. It was fresh.
Laid back. With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
You ever hear the spoken word version? Freakin’ priceless.
Laying on the hammock reading sounds devine and the iced tea… yummo, Hope you had a great day off!! 🙂
RR