Paying for it today.

Last night I got shitfaced. I didn’t plan on going out or drinking. I wanted to curl up on my couch in my jammies with some tea and forget about how unlucky in love I am.

And then my cellphone rings.

It’s my mom’s friend. My mom was at a party, a 60^th birthday party for a good friend. I knew about it. The birthday guy’s son’s band was playing, a really good band that has won many coverband contests. There was going to be loads of food. There was going to be loads of alcohol.

Anyhow, it’s my mom’s friend Lynn on the phone. She’s from Scotland and has, what she likes to call, a fiery Scottish temper. Her brogue is quite thick when she gets excited or emotional.

Lynn in a thick brogue: “Where the fuck are you girlie?”
Me: “I’m home.”
Lynn: “Get your ass over here right now.”
Me: “I’m in my pajamas.”
Lynn: “I don’t want to hear that shit. Get dressed and get over here. You’ll have plenty of time when you’re 80 to be in your pajamas.”
Me: “Um…”
Lynn: “If you’re not here in 30 minutes, I’m coming over to get you.”

**Click**

I sat there for a few minutes and got up to get dressed. I knew there was no use in fighting. Lynn would come over and get me.

I heard the band playing before I got into the neighborhood. When I pulled up to the house, I noticed that there were kids sitting in the middle of the driveway eating and gabbing on their cells.

I parked around the corner. I walked up to the house and saw my mom and Lynn coming out the door. To get me. As soon as they saw me, they rush me into the party. My mom takes me to the bar to get a drink. As we’re waiting for my drink to be made, this guy comes up to me and asks me if I needed a drink.

Before I go on, let me explain something. I’m not attracted to men who are shorter than me. I know this isn’t nice, but it’s how I feel.

This guy asking me if I needed a drink was about 3 inches shorter than me and to be totally honest, I wasn’t in any mood to meet anyone. I told him I was waiting for a drink and then went back to talking to my mother.

I got my drink and we walked out into the yard where there was a dancefloor in front of the band. My mom was dancing with her friends and I stood there and focused on getting my drink into my belly as quickly as I could. I went for a second drink and stayed in the bar area for a while. This strange woman who my mother sometimes hangs out with came up to me and started asking me a gazillion questions about why I didn’t come right up and talk to her. She has the crazy eyes, you know that wide-eyed wild look, and seems kind of drunk. I told her that I wasn’t in the mood for her shit and guzzled my drink. After getting my third drink, my mother tells me I need to eat dinner and ushers me into the garage that is filled with all kinds of food. I get a sandwich and inhale it, I didn’t realize how hungry I was.

After eating, I went up to the bar to get another drink and there isn’t anyone manning the bar. So, I go behind the bar and start making my own drink and the next thing I know I’m the bartender. As I’m making drinks for everyone, the short guy who asked me if I needed a drink in the beginning of the saga tells me that I’m the prettiest girl he’s seen in a long time. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, at least I think I did, and thanked him. He continued to lurk around the bar for about half an hour before coming up to me again and asks me if he can ask me a stupid question. I say okay and he asks me if I’m seeing anyone. Now, since I decided to start my long term relationship with myself yesterday afternoon I didn’t have to feel bad telling this guy that yes I was indeed seeing someone. My mother choked on her drink when I said that because she knew about my new dating situation.

The night goes on and the following things take place:

1. My mom’s friend Matt, the birthday boy, puts $2 bucks in my cleavage for making him a drink.
2. An old man tells me that I’m the cutest thing he’s seen all night and asks me if I’ll give him a kiss on his cheek. I obliged.
3. I make a drink for some asswipe who then tells me that in order for me to receive a tip, I must show him my nipples. He said this right in front of my mother, which was a huge mistake because she lost her mind on him. I believe he is shitting out of two assholes today because of it.
4. A different man told me that he’s suck on my nipple if I let him. I ignored him, but kept asking me to come over to him. This time it was me that tore someone a new asshole.
5. Another guy asks me if he could have my phone number. I politely told him that I was seeing someone, but thanks for the interest. I found out later that he was married (no, he didn’t have a ring on) and that his wife was at the party.
6. The short guy lurked and hung around the bar the whole time I was there. After a while, I started getting a little freaked out because I was pretty drunk and didn’t think I could handle this guy if he got weird and followed me to my car or something like that.

My mom ended up driving me home in my car last night. I was too hammered. I got home and devoured a slice of cold pizza. I did manage to wash my face and brush my teeth before I passed out.