A few years ago, I dated a very nice man named John. I thought he was a great guy and he always made me laugh. He was sweet and romantic. We dated for about 4 months.
Dating John was a bit weird at times. He was shy about sex…erm, he was shy about his body more like. I didn’t think anything of it really, since I’m not a pushy person and people come around in their own time right?
After 2 months of just kissing and maybe some ‘tune in Tokyo’ play (that’s fucking annoying guys), I asked him if he was ready to make the journey to third base. He seemed shy, but excited. The date following that conversation moved along nicely. He was very generous. Very very generous. One of the best oral sex givers I’ve ever met. But, he didn’t want anything in return. Weird, but I figured that maybe he was really nice.
After another month of this shit, I was frustrated. I like to be a participant when getting it on and this was too boring. Yes, I was loving the orgasms but I wanted to play too. I mean, you all know I love a cock. And blow jobs are my favorite. Yup. You heard right.
So, being the shy person I am (laughing here), I asked him what gives? I believe I worded it like this, “John sweetie, why don’t you want me to see your dick?” I’m a charmer, I know.
He gets red in the face and says that he doesn’t want us to break up. I’m worried. I ask if he has herpes, warts, canker sores, crabs, some new shit not yet discovered….what? He whispers into my shoulder, “My penis is really small.”
Now, this is something I can handle. Most guys don’t have small penis’, they just might be growers and not show’ers (see how I avoided typing the word shower…I’m so cool). I’m quite understanding when it comes to penis size. Most women are, trust me on this. I’ve been with guys who have such big dicks that my vagina said, “Fuck this shit” and closed up. It says something to be average in this area. And maybe have a bit of girth, cause that’s nice.
Anyhow, back to….
I tell him that he’s worrying for no reason and that I’m sure his penis is just right. He looks me in the eyes and says, “No Debbie, you don’t understand what I’m saying. It’s really small.” I roll my eyes and suggest that we start really slow because I want him to enjoy himself too.
I start rubbing him through his jeans and he closed his eyes. He seemed to be enjoying himself. Curious though, I didn’t feel anything stir in his pants. Hmmm, I kept rubbing and I felt a little bit of hardness finally. I figure that most of his penis got tucked between his legs in a strange transvestite way by mistake (shut up, you know I’m retarded sometimes). I ask him if it’s okay if we take his pants off and he agrees. He pulls his pants off and I’m fucking shocked.
Never in my life have I seen a penis that small. I tried to hide my reaction and attempted to go down on him just to prove that I’m up for the challenge. I really liked this guy. It was like putting half of a hotdog in my mouth. I shit you not. It was that small. And hairy. Yeah…so hot. After a few minutes of trying to give him a proper blowjob, I stopped. He said that it felt good and then he suggested we try intercourse.
I had my doubts. Mostly because I didn’t know they made condoms that small, but he had one so what do I know. But I also had doubts because I do kegels and even knowing that I keep my vagina in shape, I didn’t think it would work. And my vagina was like, “Bitch, what the fuck do you think that’s going to do? You use tampons bigger than that.” Which was true. My vagina never lies. But being the super awesome girlfriend that I am, I wanted to try.
It didn’t even register. I’m serious. I hardly felt him. I watched him awkwardly moving against me. He was concentrating so hard. I felt like he was dry humping me. After a while of enduring that annoyance (harsh but true), he stopped suddenly and started jerking himself off over me. I had to swallow my laughter. He was holding his penis between his middle finger and thumb. It was the saddest thing I’d ever seen, but for some reason, also the funniest.
He came and collapsed on his back next to me. After a few minutes, I sat up to talk to him and looked at his flaccid penis. And it looked like a hairy acorn. That’s all I could think about.
hairy acorn hairy acorn hairy acorn hairy acorn hairy acorn hairy acorn hairy acorn
After our date, I think he knew it was over. I cried that night because he was so nice and I did really like him, but not enough to give up the cock. Seeing his penis just turned me off. Maybe it’s a primitive instinct to equate penis size with virility or maybe I’m just a shallow bitch. Either way, I knew that a hairy acorn wasn’t for me.
We broke up the next day.
Fresh Air Lover 
Oh My. I feel so bad for him. Like leprechauns and talking M&M’s, I had heard that these exist, but have never seen one myself.
Poor John.
I too feel a little bit bad for little John…
Though not as bad as I would feel for you if you stuck it out for any longer than that… A girl’s gotta have her standards.
Oh well, at least he was good at giving. Maybe that’ll be enough for some poor woman! Either that or she’s gonna totally rob him of every last shred of manhood by asking him to strap an appropriately sized one on and do it up right.
This was odd for me as a man who use to think I had a tiny penis, what did I know, I don’t tend to look at them.
I feel bad for him. He really didn’t have any options, I wonder if there are some ways of helping him be a better lover?
katrice: Yes, they do exist.
lizzle: He was really good at oral sex. He had to be, I suppose. I felt so bad for him and so mad at myself for laughing a bit.
edtime: I felt bad for him too. I really liked him. He was good at other things but not intercourse. And he doesn’t have any options. It’s what he has and it sucks.
That’s tough. Poor guy. I don’t know what else to say that doesn’t sound like the typical “motion of the ocean.” BS.
But you think he would have at least shaved the area. You know?
You are a generous soul. I like that in you. I couldn’t have gone through with it. Mostly because I have several large oaks around my home. In the fall, the acorns come down like rain. It would have scarred me for years.
I remember back in high school everyone talked about how large they were. Then, people would joke that people who say they are large really are small.
Then, when we got older, and still to this day, everyone talks about how small they are. They are constantly at the butt of their own jokes talking about their manhood. It isn’t cool to be big; it is cool and funny to talk about how small you are.
I was almost expecting you to talk about him being large. As if he were talking about his dick like people giving a nickname of “tiny” to a guy that is 6’5″, 340 lbs. guy.
the lily: I’m amazed at the number of men who don’t trim or groom their pubic hair. It’s just gross.
mist1: I try to be generous and nice. He can’t help that he has such a small weiner. But, I need a tall oak too.
jocular: Men do that, don’t they. Everyone has little dicks. It’s a weird thing.
Oh my goodness – I have new found respect for you, Debbie. You truly are a good egg for the effort.
AWWWWWWWWW. Poor guy!!!! Penises are such a touchy subject for men (pardon the pun) Honestly, I believe that they are more insecure about things than women are.
Poor guy with his little hairy acorn. I admire your attempts to accomodate his shortcomings.
And I agree, he should have at least trimmed up. For me the only thing worse than too much hair is no hair at all.
Wandered onto your blog and wow, what a story. What struck me the most, was your compassion and understanding. I am really impressed. Did you ever settle things with him or “debrief” 9ha ha) about the episode?
Girl!!!! I just wrote something similar about ‘small members’. This was crazy!!! Like everyone else has said, at least you ‘tried’.
I love your dating stories!
gland poilu…
It’s really bad when it doesn’t even sound good in French.
This is a profoundly sad story. There is nothing more essential to a happy and fulfilling life than normal, healthy sexual relationships. Because of a bizzare genetic quirk, this poor guy may be deprived of one of the few things that makes life worth living.
P.S. Wild hairy schnizz, bald schnizz, well-groomed triangle schnizz, landing-strip schnizz — I love it all.
mg: Well, when I really like somebody I try as hard as I can.
S: It’s a shame, isn’t it? And yes, he could have trimmed up.
wreckless: No, I think I saw him once after we split but I haven’t seen him in years.
Paula: Poor small dicks.
Helpmebubba: I’m glad they’re entertaining.
yllwdaisies: It really does.
obesio: It is a sad story.
I blame porn.
You know, Debbie, whenever I’m really sad and pretty much fucking hating life I know that at least I can always come here to be cheered up. Thanks a million. ;-P
Ha! I must be shallow too. He would have to go.
jj: Porn didn’t give him a tiny penis.
shadowdog: I’m glad to cheer you up.
lex: Yup. You know it.
Wow. Great story, i can’t even imagine. But while i feel badly for this poor guy and definately don’t envy him, I almost admire him for having it together and even getting to that point. If I was at that much of a disadvantage I’m not sure that I could even project enough self-confidence to attract a woman in the first place.
I knew a guy like that once. I shall tell you the story over drinks when I visit the next time.
🙂
Fantastic D, you’ve made me feel like a porn star in comparison to that poor lad. Heh.
Oh my goodness. I was with a guy who was hung like a rice. One rice. He played hockey… it’s a shame really.
Hairy acorn is the funniest thing I have read in a long damn time.
My ex-wife had a girl friend that introduced her to a guy one time. After a few dates her friend ask her how the sex was. My ex-wife told her about how small his member was and her friend said yea I know isn’t it small like a acorn. The ex was not happy that her friend didn’t warn her earlier.
LMFAO! You girl, are a saint! Bless your heart for trying. LOLZZZ!
Wouldn’t it be strange if “Hairy Acorn” had a blog and he just put up a post about the woman he dated who had a giant, gaping vagina?
You tried and that is more than most women.
charles: He was so shy. I didn’t tell the whole story of our relationship, but he was just so shy. He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever dated. I felt bad for laughing at him, but some things just strike me as funny.
HDW: Definitely.
Kav: I always thought you were a porn star.
srb: A piece of rice. That’s smaller than a clitoris.
steph: I’m always one of trying my hardest with people. And it wasn’t his fault he had such a little weinie.
anon: Oh joy oh rapture. I just love these comments. My panties get all wet from my wide gigantic cavern of a vagina. All I can say is that you must be feeling a bit offended because of your own little hairy acorn. Shame.
Oh boy…you played it cool. My heart goes out to the guy with the teeny peeny. It’s got to be a bum rap to have that as a curse. Frankly…if he gave good oral, I mgiht have to consider he knows his limitations…there is no perfection in love or life…Just my humble opinion 🙂
Half a hot dog doesn’t sound THAT small. That’s gotta be at least 4 inches right? Not big, but not so small that it would be hard to find.
That was the single funniest and disappointing thing I have ever read. Thank you for sharing.
lj: I know there’s no perfection, but I couldn’t imagine the frustration I would feel trying to have intercourse with him.
anon: What kind of hotdogs do you eat, giant ones? He was about 1.5 inches, maybe 2 and had the radium of a hotdog. Not a brat, a fucking hotdog you get from the street vendors in the city.
bush babee: I hear ya. You’re welcome.
Damn — if John was gay, I’d snap him up in a second. Small dick or not, nice guys are rare.
And nice GAY guys? You’d have better luck finding a fucking unicorn.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Thanks for sharing that story. I love your blog. Your approach to sex and relationships is very refreshing. That would be a hard choice to make. Nice guys are very rare indeed but I don’t know if I could take a lifetime of no intercourse. Sometimes you just need that connection. Makes you feel owned.
Oh man, I’m really sorry. It sucks to find someone nice, only to then find that they’re either psycho or just have a small penis. 😦
dirk: Yeah, it’s really hard to find nice guys. But I love intercourse and it would have been a frustrating relationship. By the way, I’ve been looking for unicorns since I was a kid. I’m still looking.
anon: Welcome. Yeah, you do nned to have that connection.
lj: Amen to that.
i was just getting over my penis size, and now you’ve scared me back to the beginning. thanks. thanks a lot.
That was funny as hell. Ill be honest, I dont think Ive ever been with someone that small before, but I have been known to be a bit of a size queen, hehe.
L