What if you had a life experience so powerful and so life changing and so controversial that saying the words to the story anywhere outside the confines of your head scares the shit out of you?
I have a story. A good one. One that would break the hearts of my family members. One that would make people judge me and hate me. One that could potentially ruin friendships, both present and future.
It’s a story that I’m removed from enough that it’s itching to get told. Not here. This story has no place in this medium. This story is something books are made from.
It’s all I think about, this time in my life. It influences every decision I make in my life. It influences my words here, and how I think about each and every one of you. These aren’t always bad things. But, let’s just say that I see things from a different perspective than most women. Not in a better way, just different.
I’m very choosy about the things I tell people regarding my past. Believe me when I say that you all haven’t even glimpsed at half of who I am. This part of my story is especially hidden. I would even lie about it to protect myself.
Writing about this time in my life may be cathartic or demon slayingish. For a long time, I couldn’t even think about it without being overcome with fear, so writing about it was out of the question. But I can now see it with clear eyes and I’m trying to sort through it, especially how I feel about it. But, to put those words out there is harder than I thought it would be. I could write it as fiction, but I don’t think I’m that good of a liar. There are things about this life experience that only the one who walked in those shoes would be able to describe how soles got worn. You know what I mean?
Anyhow, my question is…..if you had something like this in your past (and no I didn’t murder anyone), would you write the story?
*** If you must know, you can email me but have faith in that I will not tell everyone what happened. So, please forgive me if I’m not interested in divulging this secret to every last one of you. Only the people whom I trust and am close to will know. The rest of you should be happy with what I’ve already given you.
Fresh Air Lover 
Now, we’re all really curious and we want to know.
Without knowing more about the topic at issue, it is hard to answer your question. As a reader, I desire maximum exposure from you, but in my experience, when I have had doubts about sharing something, my qualms have proven to be well founded.
desirea: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to say much more.
obesio: I don’t intend to ever write about this time in my life on here, or at least not in the near future. I’m not having doubts about writing it for myself, as I’ve been over this experience for some time now. I’m more concerned about the feelings of my loved ones. Thanks for your answer.
I have a demon in my closet that has/was been HORRENDOUS to get over.
It’s a subject that no one in my current life (save 6) knows about.
I want to write it all out and divulge the thoughts that somedays burn a hole into my brain, but I know if I did, my real lifers and parents would be HORRIBLY disappointed.
It’s difficult to say you should or you shouldn’t. It’s something only you can decide.
Will it negatively affect your current situation or relationships? If so I’d say you might want to write it out on real paper, add all the gory details, and then add it to the burn pile out back.
That’s hard. If you’re worried about hurting your loved ones, maybe you should tell them in person, rather than have them read it over the internet. Then if you still have the urge to tell the WWW, you’ve already gotten it out once, so it may be a little easier.
peg: No, I don’t think it would negatively impact what I have going on right now since it’s so new. The thing is the story would make for a great book. Really great. I’m so on the fence.
april: Oh, I don’t know if I want to tell them face to face. This is a good idea though. It would bring some closure and put everything out on the table so that I don’t have to hide it anymore. If I do decide to tell the story though, I’m definitely going to do it in book form and not on this blog. The story is so good, I’m not telling it for free on here.
I had a secret/story like that. I was not, nor am I still, good at dealing with it. It took me five years to really even discuss. And still 95% of my family and friends doesn’t know about it. I know it would cause disappoint and riddicule from most of them if they were to ever know, but I did write my tale (http://neighbormarci.blogspot.com/2006/10/little-explanation.html) to the blog world, but there is only 3 people in my life that even know this blog is mine. Even out of that 3, it’s no one in my family. The reason I choose to write about it so that it would be there in black and white for me to read at my choosing. Though I can’t say it’s been threaputic in anyway, it was nice to get it out there and not get the anger and judgement I feared it would cause. I don’t know whether this will help or hinder your situation, but I thought it would be nice to know that you are not the only one with skeletons or trying to figure out how to deal with them.
I think you should write the story. Writing is your gift and, as you mentioned, it would be cathartic. Deciding to share the story once written is a different matter altogether. That requires trust and intimacy. Curiosity doesn’t deserve to be sated with something so intimate.
I wish you the best, whatever you decide.
It wouldn’t be fiction, it woud be a roman a clef. I agree with Peg: write it, get it out, and then decide if you want to keep it or burn it.
You may also consider videotaping a “confession” or speech. Then you could release it in bits and pieces, as a performance art project, and still maintain control.
I guess I feel that by teasing us (not the best choice of word, but accurate, so forgive me), you’ve comitted yourself to the full disclosure.
Your faithful fans support you, any way you go.
Write it. Sometimes writing things is the only way I can move on from them. And as you write, dont’ think about it, just write. When you are through you are welcome to do with it as you wish, keep it, burn it, delete it, share it etc. But maybe it would help you. You are human and therefore have the given right to feel anyway you want without having to jusitfy it.
Follow your heart, sometimes getting it out and writing it all down is carthartic enough. What you want to do with it is your business. It is all about letting it go and not having “it” have power over you.
Good luck with your decision.
I have a whole novel being written under fiction that is 90% me. It has a pen name who my family doesn’t know about and something I just feel the need to tell. If my friends find out the book is mine I will say that it is complete fiction. Sometimes a good story must be told 🙂
I second Flea’s Thoughts!!
You are a fantastic writer. It would probably be good for you and a good read for the rest – even if ‘fictionalized’ … 🙂
I’d write the story. But that’s because I find power in writing – when I put things to word they help bond who I am and where I’m at at the moment. I also find that I write the same story at different times in my life and I always find a detail that I’d missed before. I’m always examining my past, and trying to learn from it… sometimes I’m ready for the lesson, and other times I’m not. So I take what I give myself and rewrite again in the future.
Is it something you could conceivably end up in jail for? If so…keep it in. ‘Cause jail sucks.
There are some things that I would never write about, even though they are a big part of me. It depends on whether or not it would be cathartic or just self-flagellation. If I was in your position, I would write some, leave it a month, and reread it. If it filled me with negativity when I reread it, I would burn it and take it to my grave. On the other hand, if you feel relief to have it out of you, keep going.
Society’s all about openness and honesty, to the point where we’re all voyeurs. The proliferation of blogging’s a testament to this. Whatever you decide, do it for you, not any of us. Good luck D.
I mean to write “Modern society’s all about….” up there. Meh.
Deb,
If it simply must be written, then write it. What you do after that is a different decision.
Hugs,
Bonnie
You tease!
Just kidding. Do whatever you think is best.
I think you must write it. Getting it out could be the most healing thing you’ve ever done.
As for sharing it, I’ve always found that it helps people who may identify with your story to heal as well. Often our story is ultimately for someone else’s benefit.
You could write it under an alias so that your family never has to know unless you choose to tell them.
I understand the sort of story you are talking about. The kind that sometimes makes you proud of being a survivor and other times makes you cringe at the slightest remembrance.
The kind of story that is both totally unbelievable and yet oh so sadly too believable at the same time. The kind of story that once divulged would make some of the people closest to you wonder both why you allowed it to happen and why you never shared it with them.
Yes, I know such stories. And someday, I too will write the story.