For all of you who have been with me for a while, you may remember me mentioning that I want to be a ninja. Yeah, how cool am I?
Not a real ninja though. That’s ridiculous. I want to be a superhero cartoon kind of ninja. For some reason that isn’t as ridiculous as being a real ninja.
Anyhow, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought (well not that much though but enough to write this post) and these are some of the ideas I’ve come up with to make my ninja form different than other ninjas out there.
I went to this site and checked out all of the gear and shit they had there. They have swords, throwing stars, dragons, and kick ass uniforms. It’s awesome. But then I starting thinking that I could probably come up with a better uniform than what they offered. Something a bit more deadly and sneaky. And fashionable. I’m still a woman. Then I thought, how fucking incredible would it be to have a uniform made from materials that utilized the same chemical processes a chameleon has. Then I could be deadlier because I would just blend in with the scenery, but not just one kind….all fucking scenery. Like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak except I wouldn’t be a wizard.
Wait, a ninja wizard would be fucking fierce. Instead of a sword I’d have a wand. Yeah, so cool.
Okay, I should focus. Just the ninja stuff for now.
I went ahead and bought the book, REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book. They had so many ideas for how to make your uniforms and how to flip out in such a way that people wouldn’t come near you forever. But, I didn’t want to be that kind of ninja. I wanted to be the super sneaky kind that could chop off a head without anyone even knowing I was in the room, except for the faint smell of lavender. That would be a my calling card….lavender. I would be the lavender invisible ninja.
While ordering the book, I saw The Batman Handbook: The Ultimate Training Manual and thought, “Hell yeah.” What was I to do? Batman or Ninja? Ninja of course, but I felt I needed to give the Batman idea a chance and I ordered the book. I now think that my superhero lavender smelling camouflage ninja self could use sidekick. Someone way less cooler than me, but still able to deal with the amazing super ninja I’m going to be.
But then I saw The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead and I was like, “Ohhhhhh nooooo” cause you all know how I’m deeply afraid of zombies. Vampires, mummies, werewolves, demons, gremlins, Freddy, Jason….I piss from laughing at them. Zombies will make me shit myself. It’s because I really believe that out of all the possible horror movie things that could happen in real life, zombies are one of them. I can’t watch zombie movies because I get so scared I can’t sleep for days. I even have nightmares about them, which I’ve posted here. So, of course I had to buy this fucking book. I knew deep in my soul that this book would prove itself useful and one day those who laugh at my zombie fear will come running to me because I alone have the key to defeating the army of zombies created from a crazy virus that the monkeys brought here from the jungle we cut down. I don’t want to talk about zombies anymore cause I’m getting scared.
I felt that my quest to become a ninja was getting sidetracked and since I was confident I had what I needed to purchase my ninja goods, make my own uniforms (except the chameleon technology—can anyone help an aspiring ninja out), and hire a sidekick….I felt I needed something more. I needed a mentor or sage ninja to guide me in my journey.
I started listening to the podcast, Ask a Ninja, and I knew that I had found the one that would lead me down the right path.
Now, all of you can rest easily knowing that I’m on my way to be the coolest and fiercest ninja ever.
I have to think up a good ninja name.
And be happy that I will be able to protect myself when the zombies finally attack. Cause they’re going to.
Fresh Air Lover 
Good for you pursuing your dream.
How ’bout the name A’iana (Ah Eee ah na) for your name. Something very vowelish since the Asian language has very few consonents.
That’s all I got for helping out, other than, good luck in your pursuit. I have faith in your being able to kick those zombies asses.
Go you! good luck on you ninja path. You will have to post some of you homemade ninja outfits.
are you drunk? you usually mention when you are.
I see you’re feeling better!
Sounds exciting, what about “Ninjette”?
I stayed up all night once because of ninjas. I wasn’t waiting for a ninja attack because clearly, you never know when that could happen, but rather, we were debating who would win in a battle. Pirates or ninjas? I thought we had settled everything when my friend said, “what if they were vampire pirates?”
The sun came up.
You will be an awesome ninja, really!!!!
LOL Even I haven’t put that much thought into Ninja stuff and I’ve done martial arts since I was 8. 😛 I’ll be your sidekick. I used to be kick ass at fighting etc. but now I’m pregnant and things pop when I move. LOL
Yeah, you’re either feeling better, or you’ve started taking too much nyquil. Either way, I hope you have immense amounts of fun pursuing your dream of ninja-hood.
Love the ninja. Glad you’re feeling better.
Well I am glad you found the right path to ninjadom. That makes me happy
I think you should also leave a lavender petal behind also; that way the scent lingers longer. You’ve have long gone before they realize you were even there, & your own lavender scent will have dissipated by then.
OH- you should leave behind an ice cube frozen w/ a lavender petal inside. THAT WAY, they’ll find a single petal in a lil puddle of water, & it’ll just confuse them. But they’ll be relaxed from the scent of the lavender.
Go here,http:// ninjaburger.com/fun/games/ninjaname/
And have FUN.
I *heart* sexy ninja chicks.
I may have to make you my pretend girlfriend.
I volunteer to be your test victim/nemesis.
I believe in the current run of Batman comics, Bruce Wayne has extensive martial arts training including a lil ninja action.
I think “Lavender Shadow” would make an awesome ninja name. Either that or “Midge.
Thank God.. I though I was the only one gonna mention that Batman is Ninja trained as well..ooh.. And as a name.. ” Lotus”
Oh come on! This would be funnier without the disclaimer! If some people don’t get it, thin the herd I say.
At any rate, a very funny post! Tee Hee.
I’m with shadowdog. Amusing post, but the disclaimer makes it seem like you think that your readers are morons.
katrina: That name is cool. The zombies will be hard to conquer. They are scary.
christina: Um, I can’t sew.
lozo: No, sadly I wasn’t drunk. I did have some Nyquil before I wrote the post.
lex: No, high on Nyquil.
cazzie: That’s not very fierce.
mist1: That would be scary. Vampire pirates and zombies. Would have fucked me up.
bird: Thanks. I hope so.
suvvygirl: Oh, things pop? That sucks. But you can still be my sidekick if you want.
lizzle: It was the Nyquil.
helpmebubba: Nice!!!!
softball slut: The path found me. It’s fate.
yllwdaisies: Ohhhh, that’s a good idea. The petals in the water would be very tricky. I would be inspiring fear and relaxing aromatherapy.
jr: I didn’t like any of the names. Shit.
mg: Cool. I’m never anyone’s pretend girlfriend.
jj: I didn’t even think about a nemsis. Yes, this is a great idea.
dirk: I don’t read the Batman Comics, but this is good to know. You’re name wins.
tony: I like Lotus too. Hmmm.
shadowdog: Yeah, I didn’t want to put the disclaimer there and originally posted it without it. But after getting many emails that seemed to take the post seriously I decided to. I was on Nyquil man. Forgive me.
anon: Read my answer above.
Oh, man, I could totally be your zombie-killing sidekick. I’d hunt those rotting fuckers down while you do your ninja-ing 🙂 I’d have a shotgun and a big fucking knife and cowboy boots and a long coat and sexy stubble 🙂
And I could sew up the rips in your ninja-suit 😛
coyotemike: Okay, you win the sidekick gig. Now we have to find a suitable name for the sidekick of Lavender Shadow. Hmmm…..
Just drop the “mike” off my name, and there we go 🙂
Thought you might need some costuming tips. A girl’s gotta dress!
Cute. 🙂