Today I was assaulted. By my uterus. It was a sneak attack. That bitch brought on my period 2 weeks early.
I went to tinkle at approximately 9:30 AM and pulled my favorite white panties down to see them completely ruined. These are my dirty schoolgirl panties. They have ruffles. They are awesome.
And now, they are in the trash.
I also had diarrhea this afternoon. I’m sure you all want to know all about it. I can honestly say that I’m baffled by how I could shit that much when I’ve hardly eaten in the past 3 days. I’m on a very strict diet this week. Oatmeal for breakfast. Banana for snack. Salad with no dressing for lunch. Grapes for snack. One bowl of raisin bran for dinner. What the fuck? I was on the toilet for 20 minutes and I was pooing the whole time, courtesy flushing a gazillion times. I hate when this happens at work.
And why does the handicapped stall make me feel safer when pooing at work?
Can someone explain the whole Emo thing to me? I don’t get it.
You know what I hate? When people celebrate an accomplishment by putting other people down. I read a post this week that did just that and it completely turned me off to that person. There’s no need to be that hateful.
Speaking of hateful, you know what I find disgusting? Women who turn their back on other women. I hate when a woman states that she gets along with men better than women. When I hear that it’s like a big warning goes off in my head that says, “Don’t trust this one”. Women who say this are the kind of women who stab other women in the back.
I have always surrounded myself with other women. I love men, don’t get me wrong, but surrounding myself with women friends makes me feel secure. I know that they are there for me and know, really know, the things I’m going through. Women have a kind of compassion that men don’t have. I don’t mean that men aren’t compassionate, I’m just saying that it’s in a woman’s nature to be more nurturing and empathetic than men. That’s why I surround myself with women. I would be happy in the red tent with my soul sisters talking and sharing stories and legacies.
And if you are a woman who thinks that female traits or being feminine or surrounding yourself with women equals weakness, then I want no part of you.
I have a weird dilemma. I think chivalry is dead, but do I have any right wanting men to be hold doors for me when I want men to treat me like an equal? I mean, I hold doors for everyone (cause my mama taught me good) and try to be courteous all of the time. But, for instance, when I get up from my train seat and there’s a man sitting in the seat across the aisle I always think it’s rude if he doesn’t let me exit first. Is this wrong? Is this the price of equality? Am I just wanting to have my cake and to eat it too? (whatever that means, who would want a cake and not want to eat it)
That’s all I have right now. My period has made me ridiculously horny, so I’m going to take a cold shower cause I’m so fucking bored with masturbation that I just want the horniness to go away rather than have an orgasm. I’m so sad I just wrote that. I just need a man. A fuck friend who is also nice to me and gives me massages and brings me presents and runs me a bath and who is also my boyfriend.
Okay, I’m really finished with this post now. I have to be or I’m going to keep saying embarrassing things.
Kisses.
(Edit): I don’t think I clearly communicated what I was talking about with this whole women friendship stuff. I’ve been so tired this week, please forgive me. I’m talking about women who only hang out with men, not us normal people that have both men and women as friends. You know that woman, the one who has almost no real women friends. The real kind of friends, not the kind you hang out with occasionally. (Emotionally supporting, will come over and clean your house when you’re sick, first person you call when anything important happens to you kind of friend.) I know you know at least one of these woman-hating women. The one who puts down her own sex in a heartbeat. I’m talking about that woman. And for the record, if you have women friends that are stabbing you in the back you should get rid of them. Not all women are like this. Men stab each other in the back too and I hate that people mainly associate that kind of behavior with women.
Fresh Air Lover 
I hate when my period ruins my panties. And that’s why almost all of my undergarments are now black. People might think I’m a ho, but if they knew the truth, they’d think I’m a dirty (fertile) ho, so whatever.
You have diarrhea because you’re eating basically all diuretics. Oatmeal and raisin bran make you shit, proven fact. Salad and grapes your body can barely digest, so that passes right through, too. Bananas are getting stripped for potassium and sugar and going the way of the rest of them. You’re very brave.
I really really really hope you weren’t talking about me with the “putting down” thing. I even skimmed my latest posts to see if there were any red flags. This is something I hate in others and am on the constant lookout for in myself, so please put me at ease.
Also? I have to disagree on the female company thing. Not because I’m a backstabber, but because I find that my girlfriends stab ME in the back way more often than my guy friends. While my three closest girlfriends are the dearest things to my heart EVER, the vast majority of my somewhat-dear friends are guys. Because they don’t want to compete for dates, or bash me quietly, or sabotage me, or rip me down, or whatever else. Lots of girls are more mean than lots of boys. At least in my experience.
And on chivalry? My pet peeve is when anyone (male or female, but mostly male) starts eating at the restaurant before all the meals are served. Ew! Grow some manners!c0n
I’m going to disagree on the girl/guy friend thing, too. I’ve had periods in my life where my friends were predominantly one gender or the other, and, while men aren’t so touchy-feely, so empathetic, so ready to drop by unexpectedly and expect you to drop what you’re doing to make them tea and BOND, dammit, they’re actually way better at showing up when you really need help, and to keep showing up when you continue to need help, long after your girlfriends have gotten tired of the no-tea-and-bonding you and moved on to other brunch companions. But that’s just my own experience. I’m distorting it at bit. What I really mean is that women seem to have expectations for the way you show up as a friend that men do not have. My male friends have remained more reliable through the thick and the thin than my women friends, and while some might say that this is because of course they have an agenda, two of the most compassionate and reliable friends I’ve had have actually been a couple of happily married male colleagues. People are surprising.
I’m so sorry to hear about the Death of the Ruffle Panties. That’s just sad right there.
I have both men and women as good friends, and I’m not sure I’d say that I get along better with either or. I get along with those who are good, honest and decent to me – the way I’d hope I treat them. On the whole, I’ve lost more women friends who have been snarky and mean. Women can just be nasty creatures. But when it comes right down to it, I am lucky to have the female company I have surrounded myself with, you included.
PS And uh, sorry about the bathroom stall issues. But I second Amanda, you are eating stuff that will make you poo like a mother.
I hope you are feeling better! Premysyn always works for me. I hate it when my period ruins my panties. That sucks.
I dont understand Emo either. I think
I HATE HATE HATE it when my uterus performs the sniper attack on me and my fancy undergarments… I sympathize.
I’m siding with everyone else who noted that you’re totally not eating any food that would qualify as a “binder.” But you’re right about the handicapped stall. There is something about it that is a little more secure feeling.
I have friends of both sexes, gay, straight, and of assorted colors and creeds. In my experience, the boys have been surprisingly willing to show up when nobody else will, but the girls are better at commiserating, and empathizing.
Take care! And for god’s sake, eat a piece of cheese or something!
Someone, a teen, tried to explain Emo to me, think The Smiths with better drugs? I don’t know.
Anyway, the door dilemma is interesting because as a pro-feminist male I struggle with the whole open the car door thing, wait to sit until the women sit etc. I don’t like being rude but also not condescending. But when appropriate I hold the door for anyone, I let others go ahead (except when getting off a plane, then watch out if you are slow). Perhaps we are part of the transitional generation trying to understand the difference between gender equity and gender being identical.
Amanda: No, it’s not you. And I didn’t even think that what I’m eating could cause diarrhea. I’m always quite regular (I poo twice a day), so I didn’t think I was backed up. I’ve updated my post to explain more what I was talking about with regards to the whole female friendship thing. And if your friends stab you in the back, then they’re not your friends. My girlfriends don’t stab me in the back.
dawn coyote: My women friends always show up when I really need someone. Maybe I’m lucky. My male friends only show up when I’m cooking. I suppose what I’m talking about is emotional support, which I don’t find I get from men.
HDW: Surrounding yourself with good people is key, but I was talking in extremes. I updated my post to explain more what I was trying to say.
softball slut: Shit, no one knows what Emo is and yet everyone talks about it.
lizzle: I’m going to eat real food today. Don’t worry.
That sounds like a brilliant series of poos. I aim for that sort of glory.
And what do you mean about celebrating by putting someone else down – give us an illustration. Is it like the way I am fucking brilliant at everything and everyone else is shite?
By the way, you’re lucky to get a period that makes you horny. Mine just makes me irritable.
edtime: You might be right. We are the transitional generation.
kav: Yes, exactly. If you’re so brilliant, then be brilliant and leave everyone else alone. Poo is glorious, isn’t it?
Sorry about the schoolgirl panties, I hat whe your period sneaks up on you like that. At least you can go and replace them!
I totally agree with you on the soul sisters frienships. I have a few good friends like that, who you can talk too about everything witout judgement, critisim and with compassion. It is kind of like a soul mate, you are drawn to that woman who knows you better than you know your self and that is pure chance and luck.
Debbie – saw you at B&TB and decided to come visit – I got rid of the uterus of death, so I don’t have that problem.
I knew a woman who stated she couldn’t be friends with women. She would START as a friend, then of course turn her back….she did that to me, bitch. And I’m the one that hooked her and her hubby up. sheesh. I’m RSS’ing you so that I can get you on a regular basis!
christina: Exactly. Doesn’t it make you feel secure knowing you have that unit of friends.
linda: Welcome. I think you might be my first RSS subscriber. It’s sad how people choose to treat others, isn’t it? I am always deeply hurt when that kind of stuff happens to me.
Emo? Do you mean Eno? I take Eno when I’m having digestive probs.
And I don’t think chivalry is dead, & I do think it should be expected. I had written a post about it last year. It’s just about virtue & having ideals, & love. Why can’t some men just get it together & BE REAL MEN. Like they were back in days at the height of chivalry.
yllwdaisies: I really meant Emo, like Emo bands and stuff. No clue what they’re talking about. I remember that post. I don’t know where they real men are, but they certainly don’t live in the Philadlephia/South Jersey area.
Well obviously the women who stabbed me in my back aren’t my friends Anymore, but I did Think they were at one (pre-stabbing) point. I just think that society is very interested in perpetuating this idea that women are competition for other women. You know those sort of ads, “How to get a man and keep him,” and all the rest of the trick-him-into-a-ring propaganda. Personally, I only want a man who’s going to worship me alone, but many of my ex-female-friends see good strong women as taking up all the good strong men (in a bad way, not in an as-it-should-be way, which it is).
Damn Flo sniped me last night too!!! What is with that bitch this month? Oye. Like the others, I’m mourning the loss of your ruffled panties. Maybe a lucky admirer will gift you some. :o) Hang in there, it’s almost the weekend! XOXO
I really hope it wasn’t me you were talking about. But, I don’t think it is, as I haven’t accomplished anything lately 😛
The emo thing. I’m pretty sure that it is just a way for straight guys to get in on the fact that women will undress in front of gay men. Thus, they act gay-ish in the hope of a peek.
I only have one close male friend. All the rest of mine are women. What does that say about me as a man?
And who the hell does Dawn think she is, stealing part of my name? 😛
amanda: You’re totally right. I hate when women do that too.
srb: I don’t have admirers. At least I don’t think so. Do I? Does anyone secretly love me?
coyote mike: I like having a bunch of coyotes visiting me. I don’t know what having lots of girlfriends says about you. You’re evolved. That’s the emo thing. That’s stupid. I don’t get undressed in front of my gay friends. What’s the point?
I don’t think that there is anything inconsistent about being a proud feminist who still is pleased when men follow certain courtly social conventions (holding doors open). I think that a polite person will do most of those things for peoiple of the same sex too. You do want to be careful about someone who is creepy-polite and too old fashioned. These guys end up being serial killers on “Criminal Minds.”
obesio: That’s the truth. Too polite weirds me out. Nobody is that perfect unless you’re nuts.
“Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid.” — Raymond Chandler
Crap. Am I one of those women?
I always have more male friends and only a small handful of women in my circles. I grew up a tomboy and some of that never wore off.
This requires thought.
I read that post then stood up and applauded. First of all…the poo…fan-freaking-tastic.
Loss of panties? Check. A couple of months ago when I was sure I was going to die from blood loss, I lost many of my favorite panties.
As far as the male/female friend thing goes. I understand what you are saying. I have more guy friends because of the work/volunteering I do which are predominately male fields. However, I wouldn’t trade my true female friends for the world. I call HDW to tell her the most mundane things because she is so important to me. I can tell her things I can’t tell any of my guy friends, no matter how close we are.
I give this post a ten. A motherfucking ten.
This was a great post. Sorry about the period and the diarrhea and Greasy. Period and diarrhea often go hand in hand, but I agree that your diet has set up you.
I have the same feelings about my girls. When you have good set of them, no man in the world can come close. I think women who hate on other women and prefer men as friends have never experienced real, healthy female friendships. Sometimes it’s a consequence of not being a good female friend herself. It takes letting one’s guard down to be a good friend (even to risk being hurt) in order to experience that level of connection. No games. You know? I can’t deal with bullshit female friendships (all about one up-ing each other and shit). I understand avoiding those.
Chivalry: I want to eat my cake and have it too as well. I think that’s how the saying is supposed to go, which makes more sense to me.
Awesome post, girly.
joey: Thanks.
mist1: But you have women friends, right? There are women who don’t get close to other women because they are evil. You’re not one of them.
fyrchk: Recent events, which you know about, made me write this post. I had written a whole long post about women hating women, but opted to delete it because I felt it was too harsh. That’s saying something considering the things I’ve written here. I wrote that she wasn’t good enough to be called a woman, that she’s a snake with a pussy. But I didn’t want to post such hate when she’s the hateful one. Let’s fight that bitch with love. Love you.
Lex: I’ve never heard anyone say that expression that way before. I like your way better. I totally agree with what you said about those women not being great friends themselves. I have 3 sisters and was pretty much raised by my mother, so I’ve always been close with women. All through high school and college and my twenties, I’ve felt that stronger surrounding myself with great women. I have found that women are also drawn to me and I think it’s because I don’t hate on them. I remember one of my friends telling me, she’s absolutely stunning beautiful by the way, that the reason she wanted to be my friend was because I was one of the few that didn’t look at her like I hated her. Lots of women treat her horribly because she’s so gorgeous, but I think it’s great she’s so pretty inside and out. I don’t buy into jealousy or envy or hate, regardless of what I write on this blog—I am not this blog, I really do believe in love and peace. I think people can tell I’m like that and they feel safe with me.
Eh, I need more coffee.
I have tons of coffee at my house after winning that auction not long ago. So, come on over, we’ll have some coffee, talk about those things we talk about, and have a nice relaxing day.
See you in a bit. 🙂
I’m cranky and exhausted after a long week so I have nothing profound to say or anything to add to this conversation.
But I wanted to remark something that crosses my mind every time I come here (it is, in fact, the reason I keep coming back), which is this: You are the bravest blogger on the internet. You are more raw, more open, more honest, more real, and you demonstrate more guts than anyone else I read.
Many people say they don’t give a fuck what people think of them, but you prove it on a daily basis.
HDW: I’ll be right over.
shadowdog: Jeez. Wow. Thanks for that. I’m really flattered. I just say like I see it and I’m not afraid to own my shit because I’m not perfect and sometimes I’m a mess. That’s life.
Hi Deb, always glad to read your tales of blood and guts… what else is there to life, really.
As for the emo thing, I think I get it, sort of. I think it’s a way of saying ‘this is what it’s like on the inside’ by putting it on the outside. If that makes any sense. There’s actually a town in this country called Emo, I expect it’ll become a place of pilgrimage before too long.
I have to agree with your statement about women who put down other women. Not to be trusted. I never understood that either. I love you blog. It’s so painfully honest.
Chivalry is not dead, but it may need mouth-to-mouth in some cases. I open doors for women, let them enter first, carry things for them, etc. For my trouble, I get a lot of blank stares, and the occasional out-right hostile glare from women in the under 30 set.
I think you can help to revive this kind of behavior by rewarding it. Smile and sparkle a bit for men who offer you due reverence, and slowly there will be more of them…