The case of the blues that was delivered to me last week before I was sick is still here in me. I kind of forgot about it due to the fact that I was preoccupied with battling the plague. It never went away, I cried several times for no reason. Well, there is a reason. Every time something sad or happy or inspiring or nice was part of whatever TV show or movie I was watching, I would start sobbing.
At first I thought it was because I was delirious with fever. But I was sad before I got sick. I was sad before I got the news about my aunt’s illness. There is something missing and it’s been missing for a while. It’s not a thing or a person, but I think it’s a flaw in myself.
For all my talk of loving myself, there is definitely a part of me that I feel is tainted and dirty and wretched and ugly and unworthy. It’s that fallen, broken, undeserving woman I feel like these days. Like you can see this filth on my skin and hair, even in my eyelashes.
I’m having a hard time being happy for people. I grind my teeth when things go so well for those other people. I don’t want to hear about love or beauty or rainbows or smiles on children. It all makes me feel even more worthless and lonely.
I do, however, smile and send wishes of wellness and happiness. I do this with a false tongue. I do this with clenched teeth. I do this with knives my stomach.
I’m not a woman that has good luck or has things work out for her. I come to expect things to fail or people to dump me or plans to fall through. I’m used to it. I sometimes laugh about it. It’s a bitter laughter, but laughing is the only thing that keeps me from falling apart or losing my temper in a way that would end up with me or someone else injured. That and shutting down. Becoming cold. I pinch myself when I feel myself freezing up.
I pinch myself a lot.
I think ever since Michael, the ex that stole from me, I have been suffocating in failure and disappointment and sadness. I am very good at covering it up and playing pretend, but that’s exhausting. I think Michael took so much away from me during our whole relationship. So much stolen and given away, in the blindness of love. I’m so ashamed of loving him. And I did love him. I hate admitting that. I want to be cool and say that it wasn’t really love, and I’m sure it wasn’t on his side but it was on mine.
I could deal with other things in my past perfectly well, mostly because they weren’t really ‘about’ me. I wasn’t raped because I was asking for it. I was raped because someone else was a sick psychopath. But this Michael business, and the things I did as a direct result of the actions he took and left me with, destroyed me because I was stupid and blind. I can’t seem to forgive myself for that stupidity that allowed such a little weak man take so much from me.
And now, whatever I do, I just feel stained and withered and used up. Not all of the time. I do have moments where I can wash my soul clean, but it’s never enough. The dirtiness is baked into my skin. Or it feels that way. Shutting down is the only way I can ignore the filth and get on with my day.
I pretend to be fine. I can be a splendid actress when I want to be. I retreat into my mind. I think of things impossible, like someone loving me, like having a child, like being able to get what I want for a change. I think of pureness…the pureness in a child’s laughter…the pureness in the hawk that flies over my house every day…the pureness in Neil Young’s voice…the pureness in the heat of cayenne pepper. Pureness makes me feel better.
That’s enough of my crying and boohooing. Thanks for listening. I’m sure that I’ll get around to closing up that box of blues and send it away soon. It’s just a bit harder this time for some reason.
Fresh Air Lover 
I see absolutely no filfth whatsoever. I see a beautiful woman, inside and out. When you are ready, send the blues a-packin’. You deserve nothing less than wonderful, and you already are.
xo.
PS Missed you this weekend!!!!
This is a very raw, powerful post. The question, of course, is what to do about this state of affairs. I don’t know you well (or really at all) but I would guess that your obvious intellectual abilities and fierce independent streak might in some perverse way be hindering your ability to heal emotionally.
I think of things impossible, like someone loving me, like having a child, like being able to get what I want for a change.
Gotta hate the blues. They present us with a picture of ourselves that anyone who knows us well will perceive as grossly distorted. The question is — who is Debbie, really?
You already know the answer to this. Believe it.
It’s honestly ok to feel this way. I personally think when you allow yourself to feel horrible that it makes you stronger and more confidant when you are able to push past it and crawl out of the hole.
That might not make a lot of sense but if you want you can email me.
You are human and we all feel this way from time to time.
I went through this funk that lasted a few months, it was not depression but for of a self-deprecating kind of time.
We are here for you.
you gotta let it all out sometimes. hope your blues are packed up soon!
The box of blues never gets any bigger but throughout life we add more to it, making it harder and harder to close it.
Sometimes we have to deal with some of the things in the box to make room, eventually we find a way to shut it.
This post dragged me out of the realms of lurkerdom because I wanted to say that I understand. That’s not much from a stranger across the pond but sometimes it helps to know the feelings you have are shared.
Well, I like you, Debbie, a LOT, and so do a lot of other people.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Once again I’m blown away by your open, raw, honesty. I hope it helped you a little to share this. I imagine it probably didn’t for very long, but even a temporary relief is better than nothing.
((((((((( Hugs )))))))))))))
Very much one of those honest posts that I love from you !!! You say what I feel sometimes and I can identify with this post. You are fantastic and even though at the moment you don’t feel it, there will be a day when you feel every bit the fantastic person that you are 🙂 And it won’t be because of something outside of you (a guy, job, friends, ect), it will be inside of you!!!
We are here to hear what you have to say, so vent all you want!
If anything, of course you have a right to be in a funk. Don’t think you’re stupid for loving. If anything, it just makes us all that much more guarded. Whether that’s a good or bad thing, I don’t know….
~sigh~
The taint, dirt, and filth is only what you see; I don’t see anything except a woman with a big heart, a good brain, and great skill with words.
Next time you need someone to cook for you, let me know. I’ll be happy to work in the kitchen (yours or mine) in exchange for conversation.
You have a gift, several actually, and are highly valued by many more people than just me.
blah blah blah I love you – okay?!
Hey sweet girl, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling crap. I do it a lot myself. And sometimes it helps not to fight the black dog but let him hang around for a bit. Being down is valid and it needs to happen. The trouble is we are fed a whole lot of shit about having to be happy all the time and it puts additional pressure on us. There is no pressure to hurry up and feel better. This is a valid part of your life and you will come out of it, stronger.
x
Sometimes we all feel like crap. Here’s hoping you get out of the duldrums.
beautiful things will come debbie x
I can relate to feeling dirty, tainted, undeserving. I have a dark past, very dark. And ugly. I prefer not to even think about the things that I have done/seen/been a part of. But those are behind me. So, I’m trying out this new life, and its weird, because I missed such a huge part of my development as a person, that I am still trying to find out who the hell I am. So, when you say “actress” I get it, because really, the only way for me to get through today is to “act” like the person I want, hope that I will become. Somedays it feels like its working, other days, I feel like such a poser. Anyways, just wanted to say that there is somebody out here that recognizes that whole you’re in and the slopes you are going to have to climb to get out of it. Good Luck!