Ghost sister

My weekend of relaxation and shunning others didn’t work out all that well.

I woke up on Friday morning with a migraine to beat all migraines. I haven’t had one that bad in a very long time and even the prescribed drugs didn’t put a dent in it for hours. I spent the day in bed willing the pain to go away. By the time I started feeling better, my dad called me to say that my younger sister Jennifer, one of the twins, was rushed to the hospital with a 105 fever and a heart rate of 160.

The first thing I thought was that she OD’d. She has been battling a drug problem for years and got clean for a year, but has been really bad for almost a year. She’s shooting up cocaine and whatever else. I’m not sure anyone really knows.

My dad tells me that she has a blood infection from using and reusing and reusing and reusing dirty needles. The doctors don’t know exactly what bacteria is causing the infection, but she’s on heavy antibiotics.

I went to visit her yesterday and today. She’s barely lucid, has trouble focusing on anything, and is frailer than frail. Yesterday, I was afraid to touch her. All I could do is stare at her and think about how beautiful of a child she was and how much I love her. She is so smart and talented and I don’t know why she’s doing this to herself. My other sister Melissa, her twin, was there with me yesterday and she is devastated.

I spent last night with a broken heart for my baby sister who I can’t fix, who I can’t reach, who I’m trying to give all of my love to. She’s a ghost right now. I want so bad to shake her, scream at her, make her love herself.

Instead of screaming at her, I woke up this morning and got out a doll that I inherited from our grandmother. My grandmother died in 1999 and I believe that this event was the turning point in Jennifer’s life. She was incredibly close to my grandmother. My grandmother basically raised the twins and was their support.

I took the doll to the hospital with me today and gave it to her. She remembered it. She looked worse today, but I can’t dwell on that. I was trying to channel all of my strength and sending it to her. She’s broken and she needs to heal from the inside out. I’m afraid that some of the people in her life won’t let her do it, but I’m not going to give up hope. Jennifer has always been special to me because she’s the sister that is most like me.

So, here I am tonight sad and scared for my little sister.