One of my famous numbered lists because it’s old school Fresh Air Lover and because I’m back to my dumb-ass and ridiculous self.
- Let’s start with Monday. I finally spoke to Mr. Wood (aka Construction worker I’ve been all kinds of crushing on…he’s a carpenter). Don’t get too excited, he sneezed and I said bless you and then he said thanks and I smiled and then he smiled and then we stared at each other for about 20 minutes which is how long the train ride home is and…the end. I’m a smooth operator, don’t be jealous.
- I moved my desk at work and it’s very nice. Very very nice.
- I was wearing my favorite pair of pants on Tuesday. They are too big on me now. Everything is too big on me. So, I’m wearing them and I’m in the bathroom looking at the sagging ass of the pants when I notice that my waistband is sticking out. They have a thick waistband with those hook-type thingies instead of buttons. I looked down at this protruding waistband and I had a thought, which is usually bad. My thoughts are often retarded. I thought it looked like I had a package. You know, package that boys usually (hopefully, you know what I mean) come with. I shared this with one of my good friends to which she replied, “GET AWAY FROM ME YOU NUT.” Yeah, I’m sorry for that Dawn.
- I got so irritated by the OxiClean guy on Tuesday night. I just hate his grating, irritating, obnoxious, constipated sounding voice. I believe I raised a fist and yelled, “Shut up you stupid fucker” or something like that when I heard someone clear their throat. Real close to where I was standing. It was the new guy who lives downstairs. He scared the shit out of me. I didn’t hear him come up my steps because I was concentrating intently on telling off the commercial. I also forgot my door was open. It was weird explaining my sad personality and anger issues to someone I don’t know very well. He looked a little weirded out.
- Period talk, consider yourself warned. I woke up this morning to bad cramps and what looked like a crime scene on my sheets. I haven’t bled like that in a very long time. What was even more terrible is that I was really lightheaded all morning. I feel better now and my flow has backed off, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit concerned.
- I haven’t seen Mr. Wood since our big conversation on Monday…bless you…and I’m pissed because I’ve dressed up and put some effort into my appearance every day this week. I even had my knee-high leather boots and eyeshadow on today.
- I could eat a whole baguette right now. This is the stuff I crave during menses. Not chocolate, but bread. With bruschetta. Or guacamole. Or butter. Or plain. Or the Alfredo dipping sauce at the Olive Garden. Ohhhhh, now I really want some bread.
And lastly, I feel like we need some Tool up on this shit.
…I sure could use a vacation from this stupid shit, silly shit, stupid shit…Fuck L Ron Hubbard and Fuck all his clones. Fuck all those gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes. Learn to swim. Fuck retro anything. Fuck your tattoos. Fuck all you junkies and Fuck your short memory. Learn to swim. Fuck smiley glad-hands With hidden agendas. Fuck these dysfunctional, Insecure actresses. Learn to swim…
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I have missed you so much…. welcome back
I love when clothes all become too big. Hasn’t happened in awhile, but I know the feeling.
You know, Mr. Wood is going to show up on the day that you give up on dressing to impress him. But he’ll still be impressed 😀
I agree with coyotemike. You’ll see him the day you look like shit! But he’s already smitten. You see he’s speechless!
Yep nature dictates that we see our crushes on the day we look like crap and not on good hair days (I know, I speak from experience)….
ICK on the period thing, it might be a once thing but watch it. To much blood loss is not a good thing!!
Grats on the saggy pants…..ok that just sounded weird!!!
OH and my personal annoyance is the Head On commercials, they alone give me the headache they are supposed to be fighting!!!
i’m still giggling at # 1 .. ya nut!!
🙂
I agree as well. It is the day that you do not look your best and you’ll bump into him. But who cares, it sounds like you two are smitten.
Plus I am glad tha tyou switched desks. Things are looking up!
Why hasn’t he approached you? Intimidated? Attached?
And sincere kudos on the weight loss.
You have written in the past about your massive breasts. I was wondering whether your weight loss has had an effect on their size. Just curious.
P.S. My last comment came across as unintentionally crude. I did not mean it that way.
Yay for Debbie being back!! I’m so excited for you and Mr. Wood! When it happens, not if, but when–it’s going to be a good one….hee hee. And yay for your pants getting big! I’m glad you are feeling more like yourself. Springtime!!
I too crave the carbs at that time. It’s usually chips though that I want but bread will do too. I went and bought Cheetos, Potato Chips and Doritos the other day because I couldn’t make up my mind which one I wanted more. And of course I didn’t get the individual bags I got the big bags. Bad, so bad.
Thank you for the heads up on #5.
I’m sure it was informative (whatever the subject), but lady times chatter makes me nervous.
I’ve dropped 10 lbs and it’s mostly due to not having bread. And it is KILLING. ME. I love me some good bread and pasta. We head out on a trip in a week and diet-be-damned, I’m going out for nice dinners and pigging out ont he pasta.
xo
Re the crimescene, blood is so fucking hard to get out of sheets. How did you do it?
love the ol school post!!!