Archive for the ‘Bloat enough to float’ Category

I’m fucking exhausted.

Work is beating me with a stick. A thorny damp stinging stick. One that leaves welts.

My eyes are so tired. I don’t even feel like posting, but here I am.

Let’s see…..what’s been happening with my sleepy ass? I’ll give you a numbered list, cause I’m good like that. If you get grossed out by girl troubles, come back some other time.

  1. I got my period today for the first time in 4 years without being on the pill and thank goodness. It was weird to be surprised by it. I’m so used to knowing.
  2. I’ve been bloated. Like a fucking whale bloated. Like a hot air balloon bloated. Go ahead, poke my belly. Hard as a rock. Do my pants fit? Nope.
  3. Let’s talk about gas. I’m serious. Let’s talk about farting for a minute. I’m not a gassy person, but I’ve had uncontrollable gas for the last 2 days. Embarrassing gas. Loud. Stinky. Yeah. It’s upsetting me. I hardly fart and I don’t know the proper etiquette of farting at work. Do I have to run to the ladies room every time I have to shoot a bunny or do I just sit at my desk and pretend nothing happened? I’ve been running to the bathroom and it’s getting tedious. I’m so glad I’m home right now so I can fart in peace. I can’t control it.
  4. Speaking of stinky things…..you know how poo follows me everywhere? I almost stepped in a huge pile of steamy human poo yesterday. Missed the pile by 1/2 inch. Looks like someone leaned against the wall and let one go. I’m so glad I didn’t step in it. That would have set me back a week.
  5. I know you’re laughing about the fact I’ve been farting. Stop laughing. It’s not funny.
  6. I went running yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks. Okay, I’m lying. I tried to go running yesterday but ended up walking cause my fat ass is out of shape. During this walk a really good song came on my Ipod….PYT….that’s right. A Michael Jackson song. I was feeling the song. You know. I started dancing as I was walking because I’m invisible right? Wait, I’m not. Oh shit. That’s probably why everyone driving by was laughing at me.
  7. Come on, get it out of your system. Debbie has the farts. Debbie has the farts. Ha ha ha. Debbie has the farts and they’re stinky. So funny.
  8. I’ve had fits of crying this week. I know I’ve had an emotional week. My little sister became a mother. I’m extremely tired, which could be another factor. But tell me, why would I start crying when listening to this song. That’s right folks. No really, click the link now. You won’t be sorry. Oh yeah. What’s up with that? Fucking random. I cried my eyes out.
  9. I had a weird thought the other day. I wondered if I would die without having a child of my own. The thought came out of the blue kind of like a naughty little pixie and slapped me right in the face. I’m not getting any younger, you know.
  10. I’m listening Elvis right now and I seriously love him. I’m going to write a post about why I love Elvis, I think. It will be my Ode to the King.
  11. I will listen to Portishead’s Dummy later and let my soul cry out to Beth Gibbons beautifully melancholy voice.
  12. I’m very hormonal, huh?
  13. Oh yeah, and I’m farting. You still laughing about that. Nice.
  14. I think I’m going to bed early tonight. I’m such a party animal. Early to bed on a Friday night. For shame. I should be out getting drunk and have loads of meaningless awkward hookups and sex. That sounds so meaningful and satisfying, doesn’t it? Um, no. I’m going to be nestled in my bed with my Stella and let the Sandman have his way with me.
  15. The song below just came on. Gorgeous, huh? I’ll leave you all with that.

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