Archive for the ‘Domestic Goddess’ Category

Friday night found me at the grocery store. Remind me never to go food shopping on Friday night again. It was a mob scene. I only needed a few things because I went to Trader Joe’s earlier in the week, but of course I got more than I needed because I love food and was hungry when I was shopping. It’s true that one should never grocery shop on an empty stomach. After food shopping, went to the liquor store for wine for my dinner party, and then to the produce stand for the veggies for my dinner party meal. I collapsed after putting everything away. I woke up about 6 times that night with explosive diarrhea cause I wasn’t suffering enough with my cold.

Got up yesterday morning at 7:30 AM with my ass on fire (but my stomach was better) and started cleaning. You know, the nooks and crannies kind of cleaning. I organized my shelves and cabinets. It took me 4 hours to get through my whole place. And when I was finished, it was awesome. I started cooking dinner at 4 PM and my guests arrived at 5 PM. The dinner was being served early because there was a small child coming and it wouldn’t be right to keep a 5 year old waiting until 6 or 7 to eat. The dinner was everything I love about dinner parties…everyone talking at once, sounds of hmmmm coming from people’s mouths, lots of wine consumed, and people rubbing their tummies from being full. I can honestly say that my dinner kicked ass. After dinner, we set the child up with a movie and toys in my living room while we adults played poker in my kitchen. They ended up bringing dessert, as I was in no mood to bake yesterday. We had cheesecake and it was yummy. I ended up winning most of the poker hands, even though I’m totally rubbish at bluffing or anything like that. I just had good cards. Everyone left around 9:30 and I cleaned up.

I didn’t do anything today. I didn’t even cook. I was going to make lasagna, but my couch was so comfortable. I feel like it’s midnight and it’s only 7:30. One of those days, huh?

I’m so glad this week is a short work week. I wish I had more fun stuff to talk about but my energy is sapped. I did post the recipe for the dish I served at my dinner party on The Home Cook. And I offered some tips on handjobs at Coquettishly if you’re more in the mood for sexual instruction talk. Sorry for shamelessly plugging my other blogs, but not sorry enough to never do it again. Oh, I need to shut up before I ramble on and kill you all with boredom.

Sheesh, this post sucks big time. I know it. I’ll do better next time.

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I stayed home again today. I made the mistake of going into work yesterday and it was hell. After sleeping for most of today, I’m up and feel better. I have to run a few errands this evening when I find the energy to shower and get dressed.

I was supposed to go out tonight, but I’m going to do the smart thing and stay in and get better some more. I really feel like cleaning, so that’s probably what I’ll be doing. I’m also making myself a very good dinner of baked chicken with a sage white sauce, garlic cheesy mashed potatoes, and green beans.

Tomorrow I’m having dinner guests. On the menu is pasta primavera with lemon chicken. I know it’s not spring, but it’s so easy to make and I can spend time with my guests instead of being in the kitchen the whole time they’re here. Along with the pasta and chicken, I’m making my famous garlic and cheese bread. And my cheesecake for dessert. Of course wine will be flowing freely. It should be fun.

Sunday, I’m making ravioli lasagna. I’m back into my cooking mood. It’s about time as it’s been weeks since I’ve felt like really cooking. I might make something a day here or there, but I’m usually making wonderful meals all of the time.

Onto the stroking:

B.Y.O.B eh!: I’ve only been reading her blog for a few months, but I’m glad I do. Between her stories of her ex and her kids, to her new job, or apartment hunting–everything is interesting and you’re always routing for her.

Beauty and the Beer: If you asked me which blog was one of my favorites on my blogroll, this blog would be one of them. I found this gem by hitting the next blog button and the first post I ever read was this one, where some woman stole HotDrWife’s template. Of course, I got right in there and wrote to the thief. I’ve been reading Laurie and HotDrWife ever since. It was after reading Laurie for a couple weeks that I realized that my blog sucked and I needed to do better. She is a pro. Most of the time, her blog is snarky and there’s lots of cussing and ranting and shanking. But the real gems are when Laurie opens up and talks about her mother (who has battled breast cancer), her daughters (gorgeous girls), or some difficult times in her life. These posts not only show her depth as a person, but her depth as a writer. Her tribute to her 9/11 victim brought tears to my eyes. She’s an amazing writer, a wonderful mother, a great friend, and gorgeous. Seriously people, she’s the shit. Some of my favorite posts, and she knows which ones they are, are this and this. I almost pissed myself. This woman has been a continued inspiration to me and has reminded me several times when I feel too much pressure from this blog or people reading this blog have become too mean that I don’t get paid to do this and to keep being myself. This might sound a bit nutty, but if I lived near this woman I would do my best to make her my friend. There aren’t too many people who are as special as this lady pirate.

blog Portland
: I believe Jay was my first male reader. Actually, he’s one of my first reader’s ever. He might be one of the funniest commentors ever. His blog is hilarious. He’s got that dry humor that I love. One of my favorites is about parenting and another one is about eating contests. He doesn’t post that much, so when he does it’s a treat. He talks about everything and is a very good writer. Check him out.

I’ll be stroking the next three next Friday.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!! Kisses.

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Spices have been used not only for seasoning foods and creating perfumes, but also for love philters. Many were even used as a cures for impotence and sterility. All that wisdom has died off; today we add parsley to our salad and saffron to our rice without suspecting their secret properties. For aphrodisiacs herbs and spices to take effect, frequent use is recommended; it is naive to expect that at the first whiff of cinnamon in our apple tart our libido leaps up.

In past ages it was supposed that any food originating on distant shores was laden with erotic properties, including the first potatoes imported from the New World and , with greater reason, aromatic spices from what was then called the Far East. But in today’s world, in which the mystery of distance has been lost, little surprises or excites us, and we demand constantly more unnatural aphrodisiacs: battery-driven devices, and shows, live or on video, closer to pornography than the art of erotica. Pornography is method without inspiration; eroticism is inspiration without method. (Eroticism is using a feather; pornography is using the whole hen.)

Plants are subtle aphrodisiacs, and like love, they act without ostentation, discreetly, and over time. How can we lack confidence in them if nearly all of our modern pharmacopoeia rests on them? And, as habitually happens with love, the most everyday and modest are also the most precious. It is not advisable to go in pursuit of exotic plants like Cassytha filiformis, Bourveria ovata, Artemesia absinthium, and others unless your obsession is botany, because if you spend your time creeping through the woods on all fours looking for them, you will miss many opportunities to make use of them. Nature is dangerous; in its bosom hide predators, poisonous plants, irascible beasts, and bandits disguised as geographers who tend to lurk in thickets in wait for victims. One must not get carried away by bucolic curiosity but accept gratefully what can be grown in the garden or obtained in the market. Consult a list of domestic herbs and spices, and try never to run out of balsamic vinegar, the best mustard, the purest honey, and virgin olive oil (one of the few things that virginity is worth its salt), along with other fundamental ingredients to enhance your cooking and your love life.

Anise: A plant with white flowers and small, aromatic seeds used in making jams, syrups, essences, salad dressings, and liqueurs. Anise is the base for Pernod, a liqueur fashionable in nineteenth-century Europe, which, when drunk in excess, as absinthe, leads to madness and death. Have no fear, the seeds are not fatal. In many countries of the Mideast it is used to excite the lovemaking of newlyweds and to cure impotence.

Basil: It smells of summer lunches in the south of Italy. Its aromatic leaves are indispensible in any respectable kitchen. It is most effective when fresh–added at the end–but can be used dry during the preparation in certain dishes. In ancient cultures–and still in the voodoo of Haiti–basil is associated with fecundity and passion.

Bay leaf: Roman heroes were crowned with laurel leaves, a symbol of virility. The next time you dance for your lover, adorn yourself with a crown of these sacred leaves. Laughter is aphrodisiac, too. Bay leaf is used sparingly in cooking, barely a small leave or half a large one, because it has a very strong, rather bitter flavor.

Borage: Used in preparing meat and fish, as well as fresh in salads The Mapuche Indians of Chile use it as an abortificient. They brew a strong tea and drink several cups a day, until it brings on cramps and spasms, which in addition to aborting the fetus provoke evil imaginings. Used with moderation and luck, however, it fuels lust.

Cardamom: Comes in seeds that are ground for cooking or in powder, which quickly loses its aroma. In Arabic countries it is put in coffee to enrich the flavor and stimulate good feeling among friends. The seeds are chewed to refresh the mouth–let’s not forget that one of the worst enemies of passion is bad breath. In some Tantric rituals it is used as a symbol of the yoni, or female genitals.

Cayenne: A hot power made from dried, ground red pepper , which s also the base of paprika, chili powder, Tabasco, and, in Japan, santaka. It is used, sparingly, to add color, flavor, and a touch of hot taste.

Cinnamon: Extracted from the bark of the tree and used in sticks and powdered form, not only in sweets but also in meats and various curries in Asia and the Mideast. It is the classic condiment in Christmas recipes. Tea brewed from cinnamon bark is recommended as a medicine for the ill of menstruation and pregnancy.

Clove: So aromatic and spicy that is must be used with caution and removed from the food before serving, but in powdered form it is milder. Used as a condiment in desserts, meats, and many exotic dishes of the East. In Asia and South America, when there is not enough money for a dentist, a clove is placed on the affected tooth. It doesn’t cure it, but it relieves the pain and dulls one’s reason.

Cumin: Tiny seeds that give the characteristic flavor to Oriental food and to recipes of lentils and beans; the oil is used for balms and love philters.

Curry powder: Not a spice but a mixture of several: coriander, cardamom, cayenne pepper, ginger, cinnamon, mustard seeds, turmeric, and others. In Indian or Indonesian cuisine, for example, curry is prepared specifically for each dish–the proportions are often a family secret–and is always browned in oil or butter to obtain the maximum aroma and flavor. In the West we content ourselves with a yellow powder to which we give the generic name “curry,” and which is offered to us in two choices: mild or strong. The strong is for the valiant. I, however, make my own curry. And yes, it’s a secret.

Dill: The leaves and seeds are used especially with fish. In Scandinavian houses, dill is ever present on the table. Seeds will lend their aroma to a bottle of oil or vinegar, while the leaves are ideal for tickling the feet.

Fenugreek: With slightly hairy leaves and yellow seeds. It has an odor that is repugnant to the finicky. It is difficult to find, but I include it here because for centuries it has been thought in Europe to inflame low passions and provoke sensual dreams.

Ginger: The fresh root, which will last for two or three weeks in a dry place, is more flavorful, but ginger can also be obtained as powder or syrup. Its characteristic, rather hot taste enhances sweets, desserts, and innumerable exotic dishes. No Japanese kitchen is without it. Madame du Barry’s chefs prepared a mixture of egg yolks and ginger that drove this courtesan’s lovers, even Louis XV himself, to unbridled lust.

Lavender: The seeds lend their aroma to perfumes and soaps, but in the past they were used in cooking as an aphrodisiac. They are rather bitter and hot and can ruin a salad but enhance a soup. If you do not want to take chances in your kitchen, place them in a sachet beneath the pillow where you will be making love.

Lemon balm: Has a lemony taste and is good in mayonnaise, recipes that call for fresh cheese and cream, and in dressings and salads, including fruit desserts. In Chile, lemon balm is drunk as a tea because it is thought to help one lose weight.

Mint: Its fresh taste is popular in candies and drinks, but it is also used in many recipes. For the British, it is the inseparable companion to lamb. Shakespeare refers to it, along with lavender and rosemary, as a stimulant for middle-aged gentleman. It grows like a weed and so is easy to cultivate in your garden. In some countries of the Mideast, guests are always welcomed with a cup of mint tea, strong, hot, and heavily sugared. I have a cup of mint tea every night before bed.

Mustard: May be purchased as seeds, powders, and bottled. A folklore remedy for impotence is to rub the penis with mustard.

Nutmeg: A hard nut used to lend fragrance to pastries and desserts, but it also complements the flavor of some vegetables, such as spinach, and mild-flavored meats. It comes in powdered form but is more effective when grated from fresh nuts. I always add a pinch in my mashed potatoes and coffee.

Oregano: Something your kitchen cannot be without. Its strong flavor and penetrating aroma are typical of Mediterranean cuisine. A handful thrown in the hot bath shared with your partner is an erotic experience.

Parsley: Witches used parsley as one of the ingredients of the magic potion for flying. Some texts say they prepared a balm for rubbing on their body–especially the erogenous zones–whose purpose was to produce hallucinations; others that they rubbed the phallic broom of their nocturnal flights with parsley. There are more than thirty edible varieties: it is served with meat, fish, and salads, among other uses. Its freshens the breath after eating onion or garlic. Like dill, it is good for tickling and other sensual caresses, replacing the feathers.

Pepper: It brings joy to widows and alleviates the impotence of the timid. You will see that it is mentioned in nearly all the recipes in this book, excluding desserts. It is best to grind the corns in a mill as needed, not only to obtain more flavor, but for the ceremony as well, but ground pepper available in any market will do equally well.

Saffron: A reddish-orange spice, in threads of powder, that turns everything yellow–including the cook if she isn’t careful–and for that reason is used to dye cloth in Asia. In Tibet the color saffron is holy. In general, this is a very expensive spice, but to avoid its bitter taste it is used in small quantities anyway, merely two or three threads. It is the indispensable condiment in paella and other Spanish dishes and always delicious with certain shellfish. In the East, it is thought to be a stimulant. I always use saffron in my rice.

Sage: This is a favorite herb for assertive meats such as pork or game birds. It is much better fresh than dried. The soldiers of ancient Greece were welcomed by their wives with sage tea, to stimulate fertility and perpetuate the Greek race, which was always in danger of extinction because of their manic habit of following their heroes into war. Sage has a very strong aroma and must be used with moderation.

Tarragon: Much better fresh than dried. It can be preserved in a bottle of vinegar; that way it perfumes the vinegar and you have the leaves on hand when you need them.

Turmeric: Native to India, it has a rather bitter taste, a subtle fragrance, and deep yellow color. It must be used with a delicate hand, because it can obscure all other flavors.

Vanilla: indispensable condiment for sweets, ice creams, cakes, puddings, coffee, and chocolate, among others. It comes in beans and in extract or essence. If you have a choice, avoid synthetic vanilla; it has a rough, sometimes toxic flavor. Madame Pompadour’s habit of perfuming her clothes with vanilla is again in style; there are complete lines of products for the bath, lotions, creams, and perfumes with that scent. It’s one of my favorite scents and makes me happy and warm right down to my belly.

And that’s the end of my Aphrodisiac series.

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Alcohol’s worst defect is that converted into a vice it destroys anyone who drinks it, and its greatest virtue is that in moderate quantities it produces the illusion of well-being and sparks a desire for celebration.

In ancient times Bacchus and Dionysus, the Greek and Roman gods of wine, ecstasy, and eroticism, figured prominently in their pantheons; they had their equivalent in nearly all pantheistic mythologies. Orgiastic festivals were celebrated in in their honor, during which the masses poured into the street to drink and fornicate without restraint…hmmm, doesn’t sound like bad thing.

Absinthe, or wormwood: A green liqueur extracted from the plant of the same name (Artemisia absinthium) to which various herbs are added; it has had a reputation for being a powerful aphrodisiac since the time of the Greeks, but it is so toxic that in 1915 it was outlawed in France and then later in other countries. It causes muscular and gastric spasms and if consumed on a regular basis leads to paralysis and death. Absinthe is served with a little water and sugar to cut the bitter taste. In the nineteenth century it was the favorite drink of intellectuals and artists because it was believed to convoked the muses. I have had the opportunity to try absinthe on several occasions and have found that it makes the blood rush directly to my clitoris.

Amaretto: Made from the almond, it has a sweet, strong flavor. It is used as a digestive and in cocktails and desserts. Its erotic reputation comes from the almond, the mythological fruit born of the womb of a goddess, as I have already pointed out here.

Anise: Popular in France and Spain, this is a transparent liquid that turns milky when mixed with water. The well-known brand Marie Brizard was created in the city of Bordeaux in 1755 by a woman of that name, known for her good heart. They say that she saved a man’s life during an epidemic and that in payment he whispered the secret for making the liqueur in her ear. The woman became so rich and devoted a large part of her fortune to charitable works. Similar to absinthe in flavor but less toxic, anise is the base of several aphrodisiac liqueurs such as Pernod, Ricard, Pastis, and arak, the national liquor of the Greeks and Turks.

Benedictine: This name derives from that if its originators, the Benedictine monks of France, themselves chaste, who surely didn’t suspect that they were contributing another aphrodisiac to the long list of temptations humanity must suffer.

Calvados: Native to Normandy, this is an apple liqueur, intense and velvety like all good brandy, to which are attributed the same invigorating qualities as the fruit. In the past is was also as a tonic for staying youthful.

Champagne: The inarguable queen of wines, indispensable at celebrations. A sparkling white wine from the Champagne region of France, it can be successfully produced elsewhere, but only the authentic wine can be called by that name. Champagne is always drunk in good company and at moments of celebration, which may be why it acts as an aphrodisiac even when that is not the intent. Sparkling and light, it goes down without a thought, and it is more intoxicating than wine because, thanks to the bubbles, the alcohol enters the bloodstream so rapidly. Champagne is considered a “feminine” wine and is thought to have more erotic effects on women than on men. In the feasts of ancient imperial Rome, baths were filled with bubbling wine, in which naked men and women frothed and frolicked. Champagne made soley from the Chardonnay grape is the driest and most prized.

Cognac, brandy, and Armagnac: Henry IV of France made this drink stylish as an aphrodisiac; the idea spread rapidly, and soon, as a precaution, gentleman began having a glass before going to bed, just in case the wife didn’t have a headache that night. Thus originated the custom of ending a good dinner with a cigar and a glass of cognac or brandy, a ritual in which the women did not share.

Kirsch: Made from a cherry base, kirsch is very much in vogue for lending a bouquet to champagne or white wine, the drink of the elegant. The aphrodisiac power of this mixture lies primarily in the festive reputation of the champagne, and surely in the rosy color it gives the cocktail, a treat to the eye.

Parfat Amour: A rare lavender-scented liquor once served in a few refined brothels in France because it was believed that it instantly stimulated the libido. It has gone out of style but still can be found, in case anyone wants to get me a bottle.

Sherry and port: Strong, sweet wines, very popular in Portugal and Spain, served at any time of the day other than with a meal. In the past, the favorites of women because of their delicate texture.

Vodka: Like many strong liquors–whisky, gin, tequila, and others–vodka is notparticularlyy aphrodisiac, except in the moderate quantities that relax inhibitions.

Wine: Wine can be an amazingly erotic experience, enhancing a romantic interlude by relaxing our bodies and stimulating our senses. Alone, it adds a sophisticated sex appeal to social events and personal meals. Let your eyes feast on the color of the liquid, caress the glass, and savor the taste on your lips; but remember that larger amounts of alcohol will make you too drowsy for after-dinner romance. Discovering ways to make wines more fruitful, spicy, or seductive can also help us uncover new secrets to seduction. Whether making wine or love, exotic layers adds a wave of sensuality to the whole experience. The taste of the wine, the bouquet, the tang on the tongue and the soothing reactions that wine inspires makes it such a fabulous drink for romance. Carefully crafted wine combinations can turn this magnificent experience into something truly magical. Many ancient aphrodisiac wine recipes are tightly interwoven with myth. During the 17th century, a strengthening aphrodisiac was created from adding cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, rosemary and thyme in wine and allowing it to rest for a week before straining. The resulting spiced wine was drank each day to enhance sexual prowess.

Please look for my last installment, Herbs and Spices: Aphrodisiacs Part 6

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There are many vegetarians in this world who, despite their pallor and anguished souls, survive and reproduce perfectly well. Peoples who diets contain very little meat are those who have the highest demographic explosion and those who have most diligently cultivated the art of the erotic, which is why I have serious doubts about the true aphrodisiac powers of the flesh of animals. But that’s my opinion.

Beef: The most delicate and easily digested cut is a fillet. Italians maintain that raw meat is erotic and often serve it in very fine, nearly transparent, slices called carpaccio. Raw meat has been eaten since ancient times, except that its erotic properties were not recognized then.

Goat: The ram symbolizes male sexual energy, but its flesh is tough and strong-smelling. This animal has the curious habit of rolling in its urine to attract the female. In view of all these things, we humans prefer eating the more tender kids in the full bloom of their charm and innocence.

Rabbit: A silly brother to the hare, a fluffy and timid animal who when alive evokes immediate sympathy but cooked can be mistaken for the family cat. It has a very strong odor, which is why it must be washed inside and out with vinegar water, then rinsed, dried, and perfumed with lemon before cooking.

Pig and sheep: Forget them, they’re not aphrodisiac in any way.

Testicles: (Are we women fascinated by orchids because they get their name from the Greek word for these ody parts, orkhis?) From time immemorial, the organs of certain animals have had a reputation for having erotic properties. Women don’t eat them. Men do, but it gives them the shivers when they relate what’s on the plat with their own anatomy. In Asia they prefer monkey testicles, in American the bull’s, in other parts of the world those of sheep and rams. In the United States, animal testes are called Rocky Mountain oysters. Chopped and cooked, they don’t look like what they are, but even so, don’t give it away until your guests are through gorging on them.

Liver and kidney: Beef or sheep kidneys are a common item on menus on French and Spanish restaurants and save English cuisine from total disaster served up in the form of their famous steak-and-kidney pie, one of the few indigenous recipes of Great Britain that can be eaten with pleasure and not out of sheer necissity. In older days, it was believed that the center of energy of life was the liver, not the heart as we now suppose, which is why power as a sexual stimulant was attributed to this organ. Not everyone likes liver. Liver extract in pill form is sold in health-food stores for anyone who desires the benefits without havin to go through the disgusting process of chewing the meat.

Turtle: Venus, the goddess of love, has been represented riding on a turtle’s back; its uplifted head symbolizes a phallus. Aphrodite Porne, patron of prostitutes in ancient Greece, was accompanied by a goose, whose long neck was an allegory–a rather optimistic one–for the male member. And Leda embraced her lascivious swan…In any case, it seems to me that mythology has stretched thins little far. In the East, the flesh of the turtle is greatly appreciated for its stimulating virtues, and in antiquity it was an obligatory dish in the court of China: it was believed that, like birds’ nest soups, it could inflame the decadent appetites of the emperor. Incidentally, these nests are obtained in caves, particularly those of Malaysia, where a certain kind of swallows lay their eggs. The birds build the nests from sea algae pasted together with a salivalike secretion. To collct them when they are fresh, the natives climb the slippery rocks in the darkness, steadying themselves with bamboo poles. They risk not only breaking their necks in a fall but also coming across poisonous insects and infuritated swallows. The enterprise is very lucrative because of the numbers of males in the world who are uncertain of their virility. The nests are cleaned, pressed, and packed before being sent to the markets of Asia, whre clients pay true fortunes for a few grams of this questionable aphrodisiac.

Snail: They owe their reputation for being erotic to the belief that they resemble the clitoris, emerging from and disappearing amongst feminine creases and folds. I find this metaphor offensive.

Next up, Liquors: Aphrodisiacs Part 5.

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In ancient Greece the statue of the god Priapus, son of Aphrodite, stood erect–literally–in every garden as custodian of fertility and agriculture and as protector against thieves. Today very few people can give themselves the luxury of growing their own vegetables, and neither is there humor or space for a scandalous god in the garden, even though in the embers of our collective memory the success of the harvests is still intimately linked with human eroticism and fertility.

The taste, the nutrients, and the aphrodisiac power of vegetables and grains are directly related to their freshness. Buy fresh vegetables in the market, and choose them with care to be sure they are at their peak. If you can’t find what you’re looking for, don’t fall into the temptation of subtituting something from a can; better to change the menu.

In the game of food and erotic play, the most desirable shapes, for obvious reasons, are phallic and rounded: carrots and peaches; fleshy, moist textures, like tomatoes and avocados; the sensual colors of skin and the most personal orifices, pomegranates and strawberries; and lingering scents like mangos or garlic. May edible plants used and abused in erotic literature owe their reputation as aphrodisiacs to their appearance. We’ve all heard the stories about schoolgirls, young nuns, and lonely widows sinning with cucumbers. I’m surprised they haven’t been forbidden by religious decree, a precautionary measure the sultans of Arabia imposed on their harems. Men don’t like to be compared. Other vegetables recall female forms, round and smooth like breasts and hips. No one who has lived to adulthood and has held a fresh tomato in the palm of his hand and bitten into it, feeling its flesh in his mouth as juice streams down his chin, can escape the temptation to compare it with other oral pleasures.

Artichoke: A person who goes from lover to lover is said to have a “heart like an artichoke”, scattering leaves right and left. This vegetable is eaten with the fingers, slowly; there is something ritualistic about the process of stripping the artichoke, removing its leaves one by one to dip them in a dressing of oil, lemon, salt, and pepper and share them with your lover.

Asparagus: Those with thick stems, pale color, and a tip somewhere between rose and purple are the most aphrodisiac. They look like anemic phalluses. Green asparagus is the most popular but the least erotic-looking. In Sheikh Nefzawi’s The Perfumed Garden we find several recipes for reviving the enthusiam of the exhausted lover: “He who boils asparagus and then fries them in fat, adding egg yolks and powdered condiments, and eats this dish daily, will see his desire and his powers considerably fortified.” The best thing about this vegetable is its simplicity: from the pot straight to the lovers’ mouth. It must be firm. No one likes his spear wilted. To achieve that it is a good idea to cook your asparagus with the tips up; that way the stems, which are tougher, are cooked longer and the tips remain crisp. You eat them, naturally, with your fingers, slathered with salted melted butter. Could anyone miss this metaphor?

Beans: To Romans the bean was a stimulant and its flower symbolized sexual pleasure. Bean soup had such a high reputation for being erotic that in the seventeenth century beans were banned from the Convent of Saint Jerome in order to prevent inopportune excitation.

Carrot: This root, vulgarly called “widow’s consolation”, began to be cultivated in Europe during the sixteenth century and was brought to America by the first English colonists. Because of its vitamin A and its shape, it is ascribed the power to feed sexual appetites, but to tell the truth I don’t know anyone who gets excited over a carrot (strictly in terms of consumption, of course).

Celery: Madame Pompadour invented celery soup to inflame Louis XV when the fires of passion had cooled to dismal ashes, but in fact its good name as an aphrodisiac dates from the time of the Greeks and Romans.

Corn: Sacred plant of Native Americans, it symbolizes fertility and abundance. The poorer the indigenous people, the more extrordinary their culinary creativeness in ways to use the kernals.

Cucumbers: The only thing erotic about it would seem to be its shape. Its virtues are questionable; while in some regions it is considered a stimulant, in others it is regarded as having the opposite effect.

Eggplant: Thought to be a native of India that arrived in Europe with the incursion of the Arabs into Spain. Classed as a stimulant, especially when combined with other erotic ingredients such as garlic, onion, pepper, and various spices. In Turkey there is a classic recipe called imam bayildi, whose origins go back to an imam, who swooned with pleasure when his concubine served him this dish. We like to think that he recovered from his faint with renewed vigor. In Bali, on the other hand, men don’t eat it because they believe it kills desire, proof enough that eroticism depends more on illusion and faith than on physiology.

Endive, Escarole, Lettuce: In some European texts all varieties of lettuce are listed as stimulants. In other regions, however, an infusion brewed from lettuce leaves is calming and antiaphrodisiac.

Garbanzo: In The Perfumed Garden the young Abu El Heidja fulfills the Herculean task of deflowering eighty virgins in a single night, all thanks to the boost received from a succulent dinner of garbanzos, meat, onions, and camel milk.

Garlic: Essential for the kitchen. It is thought to be sacred, erotic, medicinal, and restorative and was for that reason given to athletes during the Olympic Games in Greece. So many curative properties are credited to it–even in cases of cancer–that it is sold in capsules for those who can’t stand the taste. Garlic has been used as an aphrodisiac from time immemorial, and the one condition in using it is that, as with onion, both lovers eat it, because you can smell it even on the skin. I don’t mind it; to the contrary, nothing excited me as much as garlic in the hands of a man who cooks. (And, by the way, today it is known that the chemical substance that causes garlic’s odor is also present in a woman’s sexual secretions.)

Leek: In ancient Rome and Greece leeks were imputed to have aphrodisiac value, possibly for their resemblence to the phallus.

Mushroom: Because of its color, and scent, it is reminiscent of the head of an atrophied penis–oh, very atrophied indeed. The simpler its preparation, the more intense the flavor. All you need to do is saute it in a little olive oil with garlic, pepper, salt, and a few tablespoons of wine, and then serve it on toast as a preamble to an impromptu assignation.

Onion: Fundamental in all kitchens, from the most erotic to the most chaste. A native of Asia. Chaldeans, Egyptians, Romans, Greeks, and Arabs all considered it aphrodisiac before Europeans ever knew of its existence. Sheik Nefzawi assures us in The Perfumed Garden, that after Abu el Heiloukh ate onions, his member remained erect for thirty uninterrupted days. Hmmm…

Pepper and/or Chili: Universally considered aphrodisiac, especially the hot red pepper rich in the alkaloid capsiacina. The flavor and name varies from one region to another, but under any name the pepper is a fiery component of all those erotic dishes that leave your mouth aflame and your imagination and appetitie for love roundly stimulated.

Rice: A symbol of fertility. When with greatest innocence we throw rice at the bride and groom as they leave the church, few people know that the gesture represents the ejaculation of semen.

Spinach: Native to Persia, rich in vitamins and minerals, it strengthens the body and the longing to make love.

Tomato: Native to America, the tomato should be catalogued among the fruits. The Spanish took it back to Europe under the names “Peruvian apple” and “love apple”. The red, juicy, sensual flesh created a scandal; so much credence was given to its powers that fortunes were paid for a single tomato. Virtuous women refused to eat it, but not their counterparts, who could then blame their peccadilloes on the irrestible tomato. This is one of my favorites. Salt and pepper is all I need to enjoy it.

Truffle: Called “testicle of the earth”, this fungus has an intense scent and flavor and for that reason is used in small quantities. Of proven reputation as an aphrodisiac, it is indispensible in tranditional French cuisine, especially in foie gras and in the preparation of of certain meats and fowl.

Turnip: It can be said that alone with onion and garlic, the turnip is the aphrodisiac of the poor. This humble vegetable is an excellent source of sustenance.

Watercress: Small leaves–innocuous in appearance and somewhat sharp in taste–the Romans called “shameless” for their supposed stimulating values. They grow near stagnant water, which is why it is recommended that they be washed thoroughly before being included in your salad.

Wheat: The oldest and most loyal from of human nourishment; like rice, it represents fertility. The shape of the wheat head is considered phallic, which proves that human imagination knows no limits. Long, long ago, loaves of bread were baked in the shape of genitals for Dionysian ceremonies. Not a bad idea at all.

Next time, I’ll uncover some meats and fowl.

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Aphrodisiacs are named for Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, who was born from the sea. Nearly all creatures that live in water are aphrodisiac. These treasures of the sea are rich in vitamins, minerals, and protein and low in fat. They have a delicious flavor and an aroma that evokes the most intimate regions of the human body.

I love seafood, or anything from the water really. When I eat seafood, it seems like I’m satisfying a very primitive hunger inside of me. It’s just gorgeous.

Abalone: It lives in a thick shell, adhered to rocks, usually in cold waters. Harvesting it is not an easy task. You have to sink into icy water, equipped with an iron bar to pry the abalone from the rock. There is a science to cooking it, and the person who doesn’t know it usually ends up gnawing on a piece of hard rubber, but when properly prepared it is delicious. It is widely used in Chinese and Japanese cuisines. I’ve never tried this, or even heard of it before, but I’m always willing to try new foods.

Clams and Mussels: These humble relatives of the oyster may be eaten raw with lemon, but they are better in soups and casseroles and also briefly baked in the shell with grated Parmesan, pepper, and a few drops of white wine. In shape they recall female genitals. I
absolutely love clams and mussels, especially in a red sauce over pasta. It’s just so good.

Scallops: The flesh, plump and white, normally is sold cleaned and ready to be cooked. They have a delicate flavor and enhance any dish. Scallops represent testicles in some cultures because of their shape and texture.

Squid and Octopus: These creatures seem to be from another planet but are a delicacy for those who learn to eat them. In Spain they use octopus ink to make a black rice so exotic that it would be inadvisable to feed it to nuns or widows for its ability to arouse is that potent.

Shrimp, Prawns, Crabs, Lobsters, and Other Crustaceans: Ahhh, my favorites. Tasty, decorative, and very aphrodisiac, thee are also easy to prepare–simply boil or broil or saute them–but sometimes you must have a heart of ice to kill them. To use the example of the lobster: you have to peg and bind its claws and submerge it head first in boiling water, turning a deaf ear to its faint moans, and cook it until the shell turns red. I remember my dad catching lobsters on dives and storing them in the freezer. When it was time to cook the lobster, I would run in another room because they cries would make me sad. But I would forget my sadness when I starting eating their succulent flesh.

Sea Urchins: The first person to open a sea urchin and place it in his mouth must have been very hungry. The mere look of it is daunting. It is eaten in Asia and South America, where it is thought to be more aphrodisiac than the oyster, but the rest of the world looks upon it with revulsion. It comes inside a dark ball covered with spines; the tongues–which aren’t tongues but genitals–are fleshy, and sensual, the color of peaches. They emit the intense odor of the ocean depths and something more, something indefinable but frankly erotic.

Oysters: Oysters are the queens of aphrodisiac cuisine, protagonists of every erotic sense recorded in literature or on film. The best way to eat them is raw, after squeezing lemon over them to test whether they are alive, because otherwise they are very toxic. The miserable creatures writhe in the acid. The flesh must look firm and plump, creamy in color, and float in the transparent, inoffensive-smelling liquid. Buy them already opened or eat them at restaurants, where someone else has been responsible for the work of preparing them, as they are very difficult to open.

Please check out a very aphrodisiac recipe for Boullabaisse and feed to it to your lover. I promise you will be very pleased with the results.

Check in for Vegetables: Aphrodisiacs Part 3 soon.

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I’m starting with fruit because it’s light and refreshing. Fruit is also very easy to eat with your hands. And easy to feed your lover. Its juices are sticky and sweet and tart…

Almonds: The almond is associated with passion and fertility. It is an essential part of Arabian pastries. In Italy it is used as a medicine and tonic for amours, which may be the origin of the custom of offering almonds before a meal with cocktails. It is supposed to excite women and is cherished in creams, soups, and massage lotions. In mythology, the almond emerges from the vulva of the goddess Cybele.

Apples: “Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples; for I am sick of love.” (The Song of Solomon 2:5) But the serpent convinced the woman, and she, in turn, her companion, and both ate “thereof”, and so began the problems of the human couple. The Bible does not say that the fruit was an apple. We must suppose that the fathers of the church–celibate and misogynist–chose the apple as the forbidden fruit because when cut in half its seeds appear arranged in the shape of a vulva, a part of her anatomy the wicked Eve used to tempt the virtuous Adam. At any rate, the fame of the apple in the duel of love s universal. It is used in many magic potions, philters, and enchantments. The liquors of the apple, such as cider, are stimulating and thought to rejuvenate. This is my favorite fruit.

Avocados: In some parts of the world, the avocado is considered a vegetable, but in fact it is a fruit the Aztecs called ahucatl, which means “testicle”. It is, however, a feminine fruit, with soft texture and delicate taste that more often evoke sensuality in women than in men. It was taken to Europe by the Spanish, who bragged about its powers of stimulation.

Dates: Rich in vitamins and calories; a handful is equivalent to an entire meal. The date provides energy and increases erotic potency in men and coquetry in women, more than enough reason to make it a staple of any diet. The fermented juice from the crown of the date palm is used to make an aphrodisiac liquor called palm wine. Dates are also very good in milkshakes.

Figs: In ancient Greece this fruit was one of the sacred foods associated with fertility and physical love. In China it was given to sweethearts, and in Europe it is considered aphrodisiac because of its shape and color; in some places female genitals are called figs, while in other parts of the world fig is a term for homosexuals. I love pouring a hot sweet fig sauce over ice cream.

Grapes: No self-respecting orgy can do without grapes. The fruit is associated with pleasure, fertility, Dionysus, Priapus, Bacchus, and merry gods in all traditions, because wine is made from the grape, and without wine any attempts at an orgy turn into collective boredom. Don’t you think?

Mangos: Mangos must be eaten naked, yes? That’s the way I eat them. They taste better that way. In Asia and Polynesia it is considered a male food because it resembles a testicle.

Papayas: When cut in half, its resemblence to the vulva cannot be argued. Its flesh is sweet and juicy and exotic. If you don’t believe me, look at the picture above.

Peaches: Perhaps the most sensual of all fruits, for their delectable perfume, soft and juicy texture, and flesh color, an eloquent representation of the female private parts. The peach is native to China, where it has been cultivated for more than two thousand years. Shakespeare knew its magical reputation, and in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the fairies use it as an aphrodisiac. Peaches are one of my favorite fruits.

Pineapples: Has a purifying effect. Slices sprinkled with chili powder is used as an erotic enhancer. Drinking the juice, even a small glass a day promotes the energies of love.

Pistachios: A small fruit very popular in all of Asia and mentioned in the Bible and in Persian and Arab writings. With true perserverance, women of the harem consumed honey cakes with pistachios to maintain their fleshy bodies and dimples, which in those days were appetizing and today, sadly, are not considered so.

Pomegranates: Brought to Europe during Arab invasions. In some erotic texts of the East, the pomegranate has aphrodisiac virtues and is associated with ceremonies of fertility. It is also used in the tradition of using the seeds at nuptial festivities as rice is used in the West. In Greece it is, like grapes and figs, a ceremonial fruit of Dionysian rites. It is also featured in one of my favorite myths, the one where Hades feeds Persephone pomegranate seeds thus sealing her fate to stay in the underworld for one quarter of the year.

Strawberries and Raspberries: Delicate fruit nipples that in the code of eroticism invite love.
Stay tuned for Seafood and Fish: Aphrodisiacs Part 2…

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First I’d like to apologize for not posting any pictures of the shrunken head man, but I am an idiot and erased ALL of the pictures in my gallery by mistake. Why do they even give you that option and why is it the first option and not the second? Anyhow, my thumb was faster than my brain and they are all gone. I took some pictures of my mom dancing and there was one of me thoroughly enjoying my bottle of beer.

To make up for the lack of pictures of last night, here is what I ate this evening for dinner. I know they aren’t as good as pictures of my bosoms, but food is almost as good as seeing my bosoms. Second best really. Um, I’ll shut up about it now.

This is a bowl of grapes. I love grapes, especially black grapes. Yummy.

These are my appetizers or what I like to call, “Snacking Debbie-style”. I munched on grapes and jalepeno-stuffed olives. Washed it down with a glass of red wine. Unfortunately for all of you, I only had one glass tonight. It’s been tea ever since.

Here is the main course. I made an eggplant and zucchini pie. There is homemade tomato sauce, peppers, onions, mozzarella cheese, asiago cheese, provolone cheese, parmesan cheese all layered inside filo dough and baked. I saw this on the food network once and decided to try my own version. It was fucking delicious. I grated parmesan cheese over it just before I devoured it.

This is a bastardized version of a desert told to me by a friend. It’s supposed to be a pizza, but I hate wasting food and instead of a pizza I made it on 12 grain toast. It’s nutella and bananas. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. I ate this with my eyes closed. Hmmmmm.

I’m in need of more book ideas people. Help me. Remember some key things:

  1. I’m not interested in books by authors who churn out a book a year. There is no integrity there.
  2. I’m not really interested in self-help or romance books. Give. Me. A. Break.
  3. I have a special love for history, literature, poetry, biography, and some sociological studies.
  4. No biographies of celebrities. Again…Give. Me. A. Break.
  5. I am smart. Really smart. If you find it arrogant of me to say so, then so be it. Keep this in mind before giving me your suggestion.
  6. To confuse you all even further, I do enjoy the occasional rubbish book. Don’t be afraid to recommend a good mindless book. Just no bodice-ripping or any book that describes a penis as a “manhood”.

I thank you all in advance for helping a gal out.


Song in my head tonight: Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye. God I love this man’s voice. I’ve been really tryin’, baby…tryin’ to hold back this feelin’ for so long…and if you feel like I feel, baby…then come on, oh come on…

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I’m hungry

I’m bringing lunch in for two of my coworkers tomorrow. I made too much of a pasta dish yesterday and they get to reap the benefits of my inability to cook for one. If any of you people lived near me, I’d be happy to drop off some leftovers. I throw away so much food because I can’t eat the same meal for more than 2 days in a row.

I ran out of everything last night and now I need to go grocery shopping. Really bad. It’s red alert time. I don’t have butter. I don’t have produce. I don’t have any garlic for fuck’s sake.

Now those of you who know me personally (and know I have a fully stocked refrigerator, pantry, and freezer at all times) are probably scratching your head wondering if I’m okay. Yes, I am. It’s just that because of the heat I haven’t been that inspired to cook or shop. I’d rather have a bowl of cereal.

I’m tired of cereal though. I want real food. So, I’ve been asking Mother Nature to hook a girl up and quit the oppressing heat. And does she listen? Sort of. For two days, we have my kind of weather and then she pulls it away from me like I was a bad child and here comes the heat and humidity again. But, I need food. I need to eat. I need spices and heat and texture and aroma.

I need some fucking Indian food. I love Indian food, Moroccan food, South American food, Mexican food, Tuscan food. Who the fuck am I kidding, I just love food. But I feel like I need Indian food right now. I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow and I’m making my famous chicken curry this weekend. I usually don’t make this unless it’s chilly outside because I make it so spicy that your lips tingle and your tummy gets hot. But I can’t wait. I need to taste it. To savor it. This curry needs to be washed down with ice cold beer. And there needs to be bread. Hmmmm, I can taste the cilantro (or coriander for our friends who use that term).

Now I’m super hungry. With nothing but cereal and peanut butter to eat. I’m even out of Nutella. I don’t like eating this late, but I can’t go to bed this hungry. Frosted Mini Wheats, here I come.

I am totally aware that this might just be one of the lamest posts I’ve ever written, but I’m too fucking hungry to care. I have much more to say and you’ll just have to wait until later this week. I want my yummies.

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