Archive for the ‘Don’t you want more than my sex’ Category

…just not on this blog.  I’ve been writing my book.  Seriously…I’ve been writing a couple hours a night and I’m almost finished the first chapter.  Between writing and research for the book, and work and real life, I haven’t had time to update this little thingy.

But don’t worry.

I have several things I have to talk about which I will get to this week.  I promise.  Here they are, just to tease you and make you check in:

  1. I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance that infuriated me.  It’s about love, sex, and marriage.
  2. My heart is a whore and I’m trying very hard to learn how to be different.  I will explain.
  3. The sale of the deceased old lady next door’s things.  The yardsale is this coming weekend.  I’m emotional about it.

I will also try to catch up on all of your blogs.  I haven’t been reading anything.  I’m such a bad blogger.

Talk to you all soon.

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Here’s one of my famous numbered lists. I haven’t done a random thoughts post in a very long time, but there’s some shit I need to work out on this here blog.

  1. Is it wrong to want to kill everyone in Kmart? I went to Kfart this evening to pick up some stuff and it was like a retard parade. Retards with their kids running all over the fucking store, banging into me, stepping on my feet, and getting in my way. Listen, I love kids. I really do. I hope to have a few stinkies myself, but holy shit. Keep them under control. Oh, and when someone says ‘excuse me’ it means they have to get by you. This sometimes means that you need to move your ass. It’s not the other person’s fault if you are too fat to move to the side. Either hurry the fuck up with whatever you’re doing or back the fuck up so that the other person can get by. Seriously.
  2. I understand that there are some of us in the blog world who have lots of readers and comments and whatnot. But I think it’s ridiculous to act like a pompous bastard because of this. Especially when you haven’t been on your game for several months. You’re just writing about boring shit and inside jokes that no one gets or cares about. And all of your readers are just little ‘Heathers’ agreeing with everything you say and telling you how funny you are and how cute you are and how cool you are and how you’re just the bestest and……………FUCK. I’m sorry to say that I’m bored to tears by you lately. And those followers of yours are even more boring than you are. It’s a shame because I once loved you and now I’m at a loss at what to say. You’re slipping, my friend. Get off your high horse and start writing like you might have some people left to impress. Cockiness is one of the ugliest traits a person can have and trust me when I say that it doesn’t look good on you. I hate to be the one to tell you that you are not the best at what you do. The title of this post was for you…come on down off of there. I’m dead serious. You’re becoming tedious.
  3. After I finish reading the Harry Potter series again, I’m on book 5, I have to take a seriously long break. I have a pile of books to read that is higher than my bedside lamp. I just keep buying books and books and books, and then they sit there because I decided to read Harry Potter from start to finish. Sigh.
  4. I drove by a house today and they already had Christmas decorations up. I made a face as I drove by and said “Fuck you”. I also gave the house the finger when coming home. I feel that my job is done for now, but I will continue to give the house the finger until Thanksgiving. I felt like egging them. Or the good old poo in a fire bag prank. I’m too lazy to do either, but I got a good chuckle thinking about it.
  5. I’ve been having the weirdest dreams lately. Stranger still is the fact that I can remember these dreams when I first wake up and then cannot seem to recall them hours later.
  6. One of my exes keeps writing to me that we should get together for some ‘fun’. Why don’t people just come right out and say, “Wanna get together and fuck with no strings or commitments?” I find I take offense any time a guy writes that he wants to have fun or thinks I’m fun. It’s the same with calling me sexy or cutie or shit like that. You know how they do….”Hey Sexy, you sound like a lot of fun.” Nothing dries me up quicker. My name is Debbie. Miss Debbie if you’re nasty. Hee hee…I just made myself laugh.
  7. God, my feet look good.
  8. I’m watching the Wizard of Oz right now and I love it.
  9. Is it just me or do you think that Tom Cruise makes whatever movie he’s in a little worse? I want to see Lions for Lambs. I think it looks like a great movie and yet Tom Cruise is in it and I just know that every time he’s in a scene I’ll want to give the screen the finger. He should retire.
  10. And finally, I have to say that writing a book is difficult. Not the whole writing part, but the being honest part. I’m not going to talk about what my book is about, but there are moments when the main character is so much me that I get overcome with emotion. The more I write and uncover, the more I have to look inward. Even more than I already do. It’s always worth it though.

That’s all for now. I posted a video of one of my favorite songs below to make up for yesterday’s lack of a post. I’m really trying to keep my promise.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Put’em up, put’em up.

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There things that weigh us down. Right now, men are weighing me down. The phone calls, booty calls. It’s bullshit. I get more phone calls from exes than I do with men who are currently interested in me.

Sometimes I feel like I should just pretend to be a prude. To be horrible in bed. Just to have the men have something else to like me for. Have you ever known a man that is only interested in you for sex? How about having every man you’ve ever come across be interested in only that? Even when you have shown him more than your sexual side?

I know that I have loved. I have loved deeply, but I seriously doubt I have ever been anything than a plaything or someone to fuck. It’s not that I’m easy or anything like that. I want to have intelligent conversations. I want to have deep personal conversations. I want nights of cuddling and intimacy. Without sex. Without the pressure to have sex. I want comfort.

It’s been a rare thing for me to get that. It’s happened twice in my life. And one of those times I found out the man was married. That’ll fuck you up.

The other was with Neil. Even though he said those things to me a couple months ago, I know that he had to have some kind of feelings for me. I’ve slept with many men and he made love to me, he didn’t fuck me.

Don’t you just get tired of the game? Have you ever been ready to throw in the towel? I’m close to that point. The reason I emailed Neil, I think, was partly because I wanted to feel wanted again. Attractive again. When I read his email I closed my eyes and remembered how good it felt to be held in someone’s arms.

I’m not going to give up. I know I have to keep moving. Keep living. But sometimes I just need to stand still and reflect. And try to get over my feelings for the pilot, my disappointment in J, and my lack of chemistry with G.


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