Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

My sister has a staph infection that was left untreated for months, or so the doctors believe. She has heart damage from it. Her mitral valve has about 60% damage with a growth of bacteria about an inch in length and a half inch in width. She’s having open heart surgery as I write this to replace the damaged valve. At this point, I don’t know if they are using a bovine valve or a mechanical valve. I know if they use a mechanical valve, she will be on coumadin for the rest of her life. This means she won’t be able to have children.The bovine valve would have to be replaced in 10-15 years. Either way, this will result in huge life changing event.

I hope this is a wakeup call for her. Recovery from this surgery takes months. If she starts using drugs again, she will probably die.

I was at the hospital today for about 3 hours. I’m home feeling a bit wrecked and stressed out. There was so much drama at the hospital, I don’t know where to begin. I’ll give you a list of what went down.

  • The nurse was trying to draw blood from my sister and couldn’t because the veins in her arms are so scarred up. The doctor is going to have to draw blood from her groin.
  • My sister’s ex-boyfriend (current boyfriend, I don’t know…he was in jail for grand larceny and released on Saturday) walked into the room and my sister’s mother started freaking out. Apparently, this guy got a hotel room and had my sister turn tricks for drug money. Several times. I was told that one time, after they got high, he just left her there. I don’t know if that part is true.
  • After freaking out, my sister’s mother got the hospital’s security to come up to the room to block the guy from seeing my sister. My sister is of age though, so her mother had no say. She did, however, explain to the security guards what the guy had done to my sister.
  • What she neglected to tell the security guards is that she (the mother) is also a user of cocaine and had actually done lines with my sister quite regularly.
  • The guy did see my sister, my dad stayed in the room with them. Her mother kept up her drama in the middle of the hallway in the cardiac unit. It was absolutely embarrassing and I felt as if she was taking out her own anger at herself and guilt on everyone else. I could be wrong about that too, since her showing that kind of emotion would suggest she has a heart which I have a hard time believing.

To make life even more stressed, my aunt who has stage 4 lung cancer has developed little bumps all in her groin and under her arms. It’s not a rash or anything…it’s more cancer. Now, she’s been on chemo for months now, so I’m really concerned about this. Her tumors have been shrinking and now she’s developing cancer in other places. What does this mean? Is it spreading? Is it getting worse? She also has go in on Friday to get 2 pints of blood. How is she losing blood? I’m thinking she’s going for a blood transfusion or something like that. But, I keep thinking that it’s getting worse than we’re prepared for.

I’m so sick of bad news and tragedy and stress and worrying about everything and horrible things. They haven’t made up a word for how sick of it I am. I’m sad. Really really really sad.

UPDATE: They cancelled the surgery because when they started to put her under anesthesia, a huge hematoma formed in her neck. My sister said the doctor described it was like a huge bubble in her neck. They are waiting until the morning to do the surgery. I’m really worried now. How many more complications are there?

I have to go to bed now.

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Ghost sister

My weekend of relaxation and shunning others didn’t work out all that well.

I woke up on Friday morning with a migraine to beat all migraines. I haven’t had one that bad in a very long time and even the prescribed drugs didn’t put a dent in it for hours. I spent the day in bed willing the pain to go away. By the time I started feeling better, my dad called me to say that my younger sister Jennifer, one of the twins, was rushed to the hospital with a 105 fever and a heart rate of 160.

The first thing I thought was that she OD’d. She has been battling a drug problem for years and got clean for a year, but has been really bad for almost a year. She’s shooting up cocaine and whatever else. I’m not sure anyone really knows.

My dad tells me that she has a blood infection from using and reusing and reusing and reusing dirty needles. The doctors don’t know exactly what bacteria is causing the infection, but she’s on heavy antibiotics.

I went to visit her yesterday and today. She’s barely lucid, has trouble focusing on anything, and is frailer than frail. Yesterday, I was afraid to touch her. All I could do is stare at her and think about how beautiful of a child she was and how much I love her. She is so smart and talented and I don’t know why she’s doing this to herself. My other sister Melissa, her twin, was there with me yesterday and she is devastated.

I spent last night with a broken heart for my baby sister who I can’t fix, who I can’t reach, who I’m trying to give all of my love to. She’s a ghost right now. I want so bad to shake her, scream at her, make her love herself.

Instead of screaming at her, I woke up this morning and got out a doll that I inherited from our grandmother. My grandmother died in 1999 and I believe that this event was the turning point in Jennifer’s life. She was incredibly close to my grandmother. My grandmother basically raised the twins and was their support.

I took the doll to the hospital with me today and gave it to her. She remembered it. She looked worse today, but I can’t dwell on that. I was trying to channel all of my strength and sending it to her. She’s broken and she needs to heal from the inside out. I’m afraid that some of the people in her life won’t let her do it, but I’m not going to give up hope. Jennifer has always been special to me because she’s the sister that is most like me.

So, here I am tonight sad and scared for my little sister.

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What a fucking week. Or two weeks. Or something like that.

I feel like I’ve lived ten lives from then until now.

This past weekend was filled with fun, not really. Two baby showers, an emergency vet visit, running retarded errands for my dad, picking up things like baby shower cakes, and generally losing my mind.

Friday night, I accompanied the old lady next door to Trader Joe’s. She seemed quite agitated and was driving like a nut. I found myself bracing for an accident several times. She always insists on driving and this time was terrible. She was going so fast, I kept asking her what was wrong and she told me nothing. We were in Trader Joe’s for about 10 minutes. She wanted to get in and get out. We then stopped at Boscov’s and I started to get annoyed. First she looked at furnature, next she looked at bedding. Taking her own sweet time. I was so damn tired. I could hardly pay attention to anything. All I wanted to do is go home.

I finally got back around 9, exhausted and stressed out from the crazy driving. I had trouble falling asleep because I kept thinking about my horribly busy weekend and how I wouldn’t have a moment to myself.

The first baby shower was on Saturday. It was for my great-aunt’s grand-daughter’s baby. Yeah, a little distant. My mom is very close to this aunt, so I went. I hate baby showers. Did I ever mention this? Hate them.

I got to see some of my more loser’ish relatives. Like my second cousin, Linda, who has been in and out of mental health hospitals and rehab clinics for years. She tried to kill her mother a few years ago. Stabbed her. She doesn’t have a tooth in her mouth and wasn’t wearing a bra, so her tits were at her stomach. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. Ding dong ding dong they went. And she brought her mother to the shower. Her mother, my great-aunt, is 80 and she can hardly walk. Linda didn’t even make sure her mother’s hair was combed or that her mother was bathed. My aunt smelled and it upset me. Not that my aunt is a stellar person. Her second husband molested all of her children and she knew about it. He then molested all of her grandchildren and she knew about that too. She actually defended him for years. She’s also very mean to the family. So, I guess she’s getting hers. I just hate when old people aren’t taken care of no matter how rotten their souls are.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I was late for the shower because I had to take Stella Marie to the vet for a butt issue. She had been scooting on the rug and licking her poopy (my word for my kitty’s ass) for a couple days and when I checked it out on Friday morning, it was horribly red and inflamed. To vet we go. My appointment was at 11:30 AM and I didn’t see the doctor until 1 PM. Apparently there was an emergency surgery being performed. A boxer ate a pair of g-string underwear. I guess we should listen to our mothers and put our underwear in the hamper, huh?

So, back to Stella. The doctor informs me that Stella needs her anal glands drained and a rectal exam. They take her in the back and the next thing I hear is my Stella Marie screaming. After about 10 minutes, the vet tech brings my poor kitty back in the room. Poor Stella looked harrassed and pissed off. The doctor came in and said that one of her glands was as hard as wax, but she drained it and that she should feel better soon. They shaved her ass and that’s why she was screaming. They sent me home with some powder to squirt on her poopy. That’s a fun time. I have to follow her around and catch her with her tail up, then squirt. I can’t describe what a joy it is.

After the shower, I had to pick up my dad’s girlfriend. Yes, he has a new girlfriend. Don’t get me started on this topic. Why can’t he find someone normal? He’s always picking these woman with mammoth problems. I don’t have the energy to comment on it right now. As I’m driving the girlfriend, who smells like stale cigarettes and perfume, my dad keeps calling me over and over again. What the fuck, right? It got to the point where I was yelling at him. They changed the law regarding driving and talking on cell phones in NJ. You can get pulled over and ticketed if the cops see you driving while on the phone. You can use hands-free, but I don’t have one yet. My dad is a cop…he knows I’m fucking driving and that I don’t have hands-free, and he keeps calling me. I truly believe I almost had an aneurysm from my annoyance. I got to his house and he says, “I just wanted to make sure you picked up my precious cargo.” I guess he meant the girlfriend because he was pointing at her. No, not me, the fruit of his loins…his fucking new girlfriend. Let’s change the subject.

Sunday was my little sister’s baby shower. She looks absolutely adorable. The shower was very nice and I didn’t know anyone but my sisters, my ex-stepmother, my mom, my dad, and my dad’s girlfriend. My ex-stepmother had no idea what she was doing, so my sister and I took over. She got some nice gifts and I’m really excited for my niece to come into the world.

So, that was my weekend.

A few things I’m thinking about right now:

  1. Ewan McGregor is my fantasy right now. He’s just dreamy.
  2. I just realized how long it’s been since I’ve had sex. Bummer.
  3. I think I may have a hairline fracture in my heel. It’s been killing me for over a month now and running isn’t really helping it. Duh.

Update: I just reread that post and holy shit…I wrote like a retard. I’m sorry for all of the typos and stuff. I was watching TV and trying to write at the same time. This is something I obviously can’t do.

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I took Steph’s advice and got drunk. I went out tonight and danced my ass off. I have so much going on at the moment that I don’t know what side is up or down or right or left. I just know that I’m trying real hard not to fuck up typing this and to convey my feelings and problems or retardness:

My aunt’s cancer has been staged. It’s not good…stage 4 lung cancer. I’m no fool. This is fucking bad. My heart is broken by this news. Deeply broken. She is one of the brightest lights in my darkness. She is my godmother. She is my soul mate. I love her beyond what I can write here. What am I going to do? I’m trying to be positive, but I know what stage 4 means…4-9 months. I hate cancer.


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I’m in the South again…

Yup, I’m in TN again. Visiting my aunt. I’ll have more to write about this weekend. I’m visiting McGavock Confederate Cemetery tomorrow to see the Carnton Plantation and cemetery that inspired the book Widow of the South by Robert Hicks. I’m reading the book right now and I think it’s brilliant. It’s based on the famous Battle of Franklin in the American Civil War. It will so interesting to see the place I’ve been reading about. I’m bringing my camera, so there will be pictures galore.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I did. I’ve been crazy busy with life stuff and will divulge in the next few days. I’m hanging out with my mom and aunt right now. Peace.

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Today, something happened that I never thought was ever happen in my life. Something that is extremely embarrassing and frustrating. Something that resulted in my lack of attention, my laziness, and my exhaustion (both mental and physical).

My car ran out of gas.

I’ve been so freakin busy with work, depositions and arbitration’s for my lawsuit, pregnant sisters, sick aunts, the holidays, and everyday life….I neglected to realize that my car was low on gas.

I turned the car on and it shook horribly. I got about 30 feet from my parking space when it just sputtered and died. I had to call my step-dad, who went to and got gas. After my car started, he shook his head in amazement at my retardedness.

Oh, and the other twin is pregnant. So, both of my little sisters are pregnant. I don’t even know what to think. One is 6 months (she’s doing well and I’m genuinely happy for her) and the other (the one who is 80 pounds and has been doing crack and heroine up until very recently, or still doing it…who knows) is 8 weeks.

Anyhow…I’m done for a couple days. I’m having my mom and step-dad for dinner tomorrow. It will be a middle eastern feast. At least, I’m trying to make it a middle eastern feast. And then, I get to spend a few days to myself. I can’t fucking wait.


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My life that is. For today at least. I’m going to bed soon so that it’s over. The day is over, not my life.

  1. My aunt is fairing okay. My mom is giving her advice about how to get through chemo sickness. Thank you all for your beautiful words and support. I find myself thinking about her at every idle moment and crying.
  2. Last night I had dinner at the old lady next door’s house. She put on a pot roast. I wasn’t in the mood to have a big meal like that, but she doesn’t take no for an answer. As soon as my first bite was chewed and swallowed I felt sick. I ate my meal and came home. I had the fiercest headache I’ve had in weeks and I was nauseous. The headache was so bad I couldn’t sleep. Of course, I was out of pain killers. Around 1 AM, I got dressed and went out to the drug store to get some meds. As I was driving home, my stomach started cramping up pretty bad. I was in the door 2 minutes before I had to run to the bathroom to puke. I then puked the whole night. I didn’t get any sleep last night. Not one minute. I have broken blood vessels on my face from the puking. I still feel like shit.
  3. I also got my period today. Just another thing to make me feel awesome.
  4. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. It’s an independent medical exam for my arm. I broke my arm in a parking lot 4 years ago and I’m suing. I still have problems with the arm. I’ve never had to do this before, so I have no idea what to expect from this doctor. My deposition is next week. I hope we settle. I’m so sick of this lawsuit.
  5. Roslin, my kitten, fell in the bathtub again tonight. Yes, I said again. She tries to balance herself on the edge of the tub and well, slips. If I can remember to shut the door when taking a bath, maybe we could avoid this mess. But, I live alone and never close the door of the bathroom. I even have a hard time remembering to close the door when I have company. Oy!

That’s all. I have also recorded a podcast for your listening enjoyment. I tell the story of my day trip to NYC with my mom and our friends. Click here to listen.

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I have news about my aunt.

For those of you who didn’t listen to my podcast…on Tuesday night I found out that my favorite aunt, the one I just visited Tennessee, had gone to the doctors and they suspected she had lymphoma. She had a biopsy that day and was to receive the results tonight. Well, my mother just called to give me the news. It’s not good.

It’s not lymphoma. It’s lung cancer. There’s a mass in her chest and it’s also in her abdomen. They started her chemo treatments immediately, stating they wanted to be aggressive as possible. They are also checking to see if the cancer is in her bones.

I’m no fool, but this is the worst news ever. No one I know has survived lung cancer. No one. And I can’t imagine a world without my aunt. I just can’t. She’s got one of the most beautiful souls.

My heart just broke.

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Please listen here.

Oh, and if anyone knows how to embed a player in a post on this fucking shit site called Blogger…can you please, pretty pretty please tell me? And if you are so kind, please explain as if you are speaking to a very retarded person.

Thank you.

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