Archive for the ‘Gross but funny’ Category

Did you ever have one of those days where you think you smell?  No?  Well, I’m having one of those days.  I’m pretty sure I don’t smell, I showered this morning and everything.  But, I keep thinking that maybe I do.  I think I look busted today, so I guess that might be a reason for my thinking I smell.  Oh well. 

We have a 3rd comfortable shitter on my floor at work.  She’s a new addition to the floor and apparently without shame when going poo.  I was in the bathroom tinkling and I heard heavy breathing and little moans coming from the stall next to me.  Now, as I was finishing up my business I figured that either someone was making love to oneself (I suppose some people are just so sexy they can’t wait until they get home) or someone is taking a highly enjoyable dump.  It was the latter.  How do I know?  Plop plop fart fart, duh.  As if the moaning and panting weren’t enough to classify this ‘lady’ as a comfortable shitter, she went a step further and solidified the new label by coming out of the stall with a newspaper in her hand. 

Like I have said before, you shouldn’t be that comfortable in a bathroom at work. 

And finally, I need some help.  People of the world, can you please tell me how Toby Keith is famous?  He scares me and I think he’s almost retarded.  Yes, explain this fame he has.

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Bea Arthur’s boytoy

The following story is true and disturbing. I love this kind of shit even though it grosses me out. It’s like poo of the soul and you know how much I love poo.

My friend had some people over the other night. It was me and my friends Anna, Maggie, Bobby, and Johnnyboy. Yes, we call him Johnnyboy. Anyhow, we got talking about dating and our latest flings when the Bobby drops a bomb of a confession on us. Total devastation. Brace yourselves.

“I recently had a steamy kind of fling”, Bobby says.

We all lean in gasping and wanting to hear more. “Oh, tell us”, Maggie says.

“Well, I’ve known her for a long time and she fulfilled one of my big fantasies.” Bobby is blushing now.

I lean in closer and put my hand on his knee, “Come on, tell us.”

Bobby ducks his head, now blushing furiously and says, “She’s 60 years old and I fucked her many times.”

Simple as that he says it.

Say what!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We all take a moment to process this and close our mouths. I am now staring at him like it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him and it’s weird, but I could totally see the words Granny Fucker written all over him. Anna takes a deep breathe and with a fakeass smile says, “Well, she’s probably one of those hot grannies like Sophia Loren or Charo.” Yes, she fucking said Charo. I love Anna.

Maggie starts singing Mrs. Robinson and I can’t even talk yet. Anna thoughtfully says, “It’s not really like The Graduate because Bobby isn’t a young studly college student, he’s almost middle aged.”

He starts shaking his head and Maggie starts giggling and says, “Yeah, why would a hot granny want a 36 year old stoner with a beer gut.”

Oh dear, this is going to get ugly.

Bobby looks at Maggie and gives her the finger. He then drops another bombshell, “You didn’t mind riding my face when you needed it, did you Maggie?”

Holy fuck, this is the best conversation ever. My friends are fucking each other and senior citizens. I’m actually the normal one. This is a moment I will never forget.

I finally find my words and stutter, “Uh, sooo….I mean….well………..ummmmmmmmmm, can you please repeat that?”

“Maggie rode my face quite regularly a few months ago” He looks at Maggie and wags his tongue at her. I’m a little grossed out.

“No, although that is quite interesting and I do want to hear all about that, sort of…I meant for you to explain/repeat/withdrawal your elderly lovin’ statement.” I’m looking at Maggie shaking my head at her and tsking.

Bobby laughs, “I fucked a 60 year old woman.”

“Yeah, um….how did this tryst……um……initiate?” I always talk like this when I’m uncomfortably grossed out and don’t know how to tread.

“She’s my mom’s friend.”

That makes it so much worse. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

“Um…yeah…soooooooooooooo….ummmmmmmmmm…what did she, uh, look like then?”

Bea Arthur.”

Crickets chirping………

and chirping

and chirping

and chirping

Blink Blink

more chirping

chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp…………

Johnnyboy finally joins the conversation and breaks the silence, asking the question we all were thinking, “Was her pussy tight or loose?”

I’ll admit that I peed a little from laughing at this question.

“Surprisingly tight”, Bobby said proudly. “But hairier than a cave woman. I mean it was thick and a little stinky and kind of dry.”

I’ll admit that I vomited a little from this statement.

In the end, Granny Bea wasn’t really that hot of a number and Bobby would rather Maggie rode his face. At least, that’s how the night ended. We couldn’t even talk about Bobby’s senior lovin’ after his description because we were laughing so hard. Maggie was laughing so hard that she farted. It was a glorious night.

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I don’t mean real bunnies. It’s an expression people! I meant to ask, do you like to fart?

Then answer this man’s ad because he wants you.

The following ad is on Craiglist (sometimes reading the ads on that site is highly entertaining, especially when one is totally bored at work). This ad is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a very very very long time.

Hi, I’m a 29 year old single black male. I’m 6,0, muscular, dark brown in complexion. I love to fart. I would like to correspond with a sexy, single and attractive woman, white, between 23 and 37 years old with a big butt who farts a lot-farts more than the average person, farts long, loud and smelly. I want a woman who considers herself a farter in every sense of the word, so we can get our groove on together. Please keep in mind that the farting part is absolutely the most essential quality I’m looking for in a mate…for a wild, sexual relationship. I live in Philadelphia, but would be more than willing to do everything necessary to meet a woman who sees herself honestly reflected in this description. A very big butt is a plus.

If you don’t fit this description, please do not email me. Also, if you’re not serious and are simply looking for someone to tease and do not intend to respond if I try to get in touch with you, please don’t e-mail me, because I’m 100% serious. I’m tired of getting e-mails from folks who pretend to fit the description, yet don’t respond when I try to contact them. Thanks

Did you get all of that? Hot, huh? Don’t you like how he gets pissy at the end? He wants to be taken serious and you better respect it!

This ad is awesome!

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Train poofing

My mom and I were riding the train home this afternoon, and a foul smell suddenly permeated the air. I turned to my mom and whispered with my nose wrinkled, “Did you just fart?” She shakes her head yes and tears are coming out of her eyes from trying to hold her laughter in. I leaned in a whispered, “That’s just foul.”

She snorts from laughter and says the classic, “Better out than in.”

It was one of the nastiest farts I’ve ever smelled.

Yup, that’s my mom.

That’s all I have today. I’m really really tired.

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I want to thank everyone for all of your advice regarding the shitty kissing that went down on Friday. I’m not a prude when it comes to first dates. I’ll kiss (shit, I’ve even fucked), but I have to be really attracted in order to do this. Or have lots of wine. Yeah, wine makes me a whore. It’s awesome sometimes. What I’m trying to say, in my retarded way, is that although I wasn’t really ‘feeling’ this guy I had 3 glasses of red wine and could be described as extremely friendly. So when he asked if he could kiss me, I figured what the fuck. I don’t understand what nerves have to do with kissing skills, but I was going to give him a second chance after reading about how he could have been nervous. This is very big of me, as I’m from the “if you’re not going to do it right, then don’t do it at all” school. He kissed like a 13 year old, not a 35 year old. Oy!

Did you notice that I said was going to give him a second chance? Um, yeah. My family member (the person who put me up to the date) said that my date thought I was extremely rude for talking on my cell phone the whole night. Motherfucker. I can see if I was chatting up my girlfriends about the new shoes they purchased, but I was talking to my mother regarding my pregnant sister bleeding in the hospital. He told my family member that HE would consider giving me a second chance. What? Is he fucking serious? He’s done. I considered going on a second date and destroying him like ‘Debbie from the old days’ would have done. But I’m older and more compassionate now. I sent him a level 10 bitch (my most deadly level) email telling him how embarrassed he should be of his stupidity and ignorance. I said more, but you all don’t need to see the full extent of my temper and how horrible I can be. I have it in me to be the cruelest person I know and it’s not something I’m proud of.

So, did anything else happen you ask? Why yes?

On Saturday morning I stopped at my mother’s house before going to have new tires put on my car. The stinkies (Morgan and Connor) were there and I got to act nuts with them for a bit. My goodness I love these kids. Nothing in the world is wrong when I’m with them. Here are some pictures:

My mom kept my old dance costumes. Morgan found this one and immediately changed into it to put on her show. She’s such a performer.

I can’t resist this smile. After I took the picture I grabbed him and bit the little Meatball’s cheeks.

After, I went to get my tires replaced. Waiting for that to go down was a special kind of hell. Not only did they smoke in the little office at my mechanic’s, but these little wannabe white rapper fuckers kept coming in looking for rims and shit. They had the most manicured facial hair I’ve ever seen. I played a game in my head trying to guess how small their penis’ were. If they stayed in the office long enough, I then guesstimated how bad they were in bed by rating them on a scale from 1-10 depending on how ‘dressed up’ they were in the ghetto gear. No one rated very high, as you can imagine.

Have I ever told you all how I hate an overly done up man? I’m not attracted to men in suits or any man who looks like he has his eyebrows tweezed. Ew. I hate men’s cologne. I’m not attracted to men who are too pretty or good looking. I like there to be some flaw or quirk. I have this thing for dirty construction workers. Sometimes they’re on the train with me and I have to keep myself from licking my lips. They smell of soap and sweat. There’s nothing better than that.

Saturday night I did nothing exciting. I made a stir fry and read all night. I was on standby because my sister was still bleeding and the doctor wasn’t sure what they were going to do. But, the decision was made to definitely take the baby on Tuesday. I’m really excited. Another stinky to spoil. Makes me want to have a baby. But, that’s a whole other post.

Yesterday was one of the most boring days ever. I cleaned, napped, cooked, and read. I watched some of the Super Bowl but it was boring so I turned it off. The series Rome is getting really good. You all should watch it. It’s not historically accurate at all, but if you can over that, it’s a really awesome show.

I did put a profile up on Match.com because I love torturing myself. Actually, my friend says that it’s not so bad. I should know better to never trust my friends. Even the good ones. Every guy on the site looks like a serial killer. I have 6 emails already and I can’t open them because they want me to pay $20. So, I have to pay money to possibly get a date with a loser who will probably do something offensive or freakish to me in the first hour of the date. Fun stories aheah, I’m sure.

I’m so optimistic it’s scary, huh?

I watched some man pick his nose quite thoroughly on the train in this morning. I tried to get my phone out to take a picture, but he was a shifty fucker and stopped just when I was ready to snap. It was -800 degrees outside this morning, so we walked underground to keep out of the wind. I hate walking underground. It breaks my heart. When the weather gets this cold, the city lets the homeless sleep in the tunnels underground. I just can’t deal with it. I want to help them all. There is one guy, who doesn’t look much older than me, that sits by the subway rocking. He looks so cold. His eyes are vacant. That kills me. Nobody eyes should be vacant like that. I bought him breakfast last week after I saw him rummaging through the garbage and was pleased to see that this morning someone beat me to it. He had a steaming cup of coffee and food. This week I will bring him a few blankets because his look like rags. I have 3 comforters that I was going to throw away, but they are perfectly good and that would be wasteful. I know I can’t change the world, but I can’t get through my day knowing that I have so much and there are people sleeping underneath my building in rags starving with vacant eyes. I have to help a little.

That’s all I’ve got today, folks.

Oh yeah, click here.

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