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Archive for the ‘I dream of being a ninja’ Category

I don’t mean real bunnies. It’s an expression people! I meant to ask, do you like to fart?

Then answer this man’s ad because he wants you.

The following ad is on Craiglist (sometimes reading the ads on that site is highly entertaining, especially when one is totally bored at work). This ad is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a very very very long time.

Hi, I’m a 29 year old single black male. I’m 6,0, muscular, dark brown in complexion. I love to fart. I would like to correspond with a sexy, single and attractive woman, white, between 23 and 37 years old with a big butt who farts a lot-farts more than the average person, farts long, loud and smelly. I want a woman who considers herself a farter in every sense of the word, so we can get our groove on together. Please keep in mind that the farting part is absolutely the most essential quality I’m looking for in a mate…for a wild, sexual relationship. I live in Philadelphia, but would be more than willing to do everything necessary to meet a woman who sees herself honestly reflected in this description. A very big butt is a plus.

If you don’t fit this description, please do not email me. Also, if you’re not serious and are simply looking for someone to tease and do not intend to respond if I try to get in touch with you, please don’t e-mail me, because I’m 100% serious. I’m tired of getting e-mails from folks who pretend to fit the description, yet don’t respond when I try to contact them. Thanks

Did you get all of that? Hot, huh? Don’t you like how he gets pissy at the end? He wants to be taken serious and you better respect it!

This ad is awesome!

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I don’t like the direction this blog has been going. Or the direction I’ve been going. Not sure which. The posts over the past couple of weeks have sucked bad. It’s pissing me off. I feel like, compared to posts I wrote at this time last year, that I’ve lost a bit of my voice. Maybe the general boredom I’ve been feeling in my personal life has been coming through here and the posts sound bored and uninspired, for the most part. So, with that said…I feel like I’m getting my spark back.

The bitch is back.

I’m also not happy with the state of the world, like anyone is, and I feel like I should write about it. I think our world is disgusting and most people are lazy. When did people stop trying? Everyone wants life to hand them a job, a paycheck, a lover, etc… It’s pathetic. People don’t want to work for anything. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. Doesn’t matter if the person is stupid or untalented or uneducated or ignorant, gimme gimme gimme. We live in a world where mediocrity is not only acceptable, it’s celebrated. This holds true for music, TV, cinema, literature. Apparently the ‘gimme gimme gimme’ is working because people have no bullshit radar and will buy into anything that doesn’t make them think. If you think about how many albums, movies, TV shows, and books are published, it’s disgusting. How can that many projects have integrity? They don’t. About 1% of the shit out there is worth buying. The rest is fucking crap. And yet people eat up the mediocrity (if it’s even that) like it’s the most profound shit they’ve ever seen. Gimme gimme gimme. These crappy things take no thought or effort to get through at all. Lazy. Gimme gimme gimme.

I’m so glad that we needed a huge concert held on 7 continents to remind people to be ecologically and socially responsible. Although I appreciate the sentiment (the lazy stupid lemmings of the world need their favorite celebrity to give them their information—–god forbid they read something other than the tabloid shit!) this kind of shit irritates me. I hate when millionaire celebrities try to act like the give a fuck. If they gave a fuck, they’d understand that making $20 million for a film is just fucking disgusting and an insult to any cause they choose to adopt.

Go here and here for information about the damage we have done to the planet and what you can do to change. Please do not leave any comments or email me telling me that global warming is fake. If you believe that then you are a complete idiot and I just can’t deal with you. Only a very ignorant, uninformed, and sick human being wouldn’t believe that we are destroying our home.

So, now that I weeded out the people that only come here for the drama…let’s move on.

I am starting my ninja training hardcore tomorrow. For those of you who are new, yup I wanna be a ninja…hee hee. Anyhow, I’m getting up at 4:30 AM to go for a run and then doing yoga after work. I’ve been running in the evenings, but it’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow so I figured I’d start doing the outside workout really early. Besides, I want to be this for Halloween and I have to get on it.

You know what? I know that I’m usually a sub in the bedroom there is something in me that wants to use that riding crop on someone’s ass. Bad bad bad boy!

Random thought, forgive me.

We interrupt this post to bring you a cuteness update.

I have a kitten on my chest right now. She’s sound asleep. She and Stella are getting along pretty well. The only time I’m putting the kitten in the bathroom now is when I leave the house and when I go to bed.

Did you know that a kitten’s ass is the smelliest and grossest thing ever? Roslin farts all of the time and they smell like something is rotten up there. It’s killing me.

Friday night, I went to another outdoor concert with my sister. She brought the baby and my nephew Rylee. My sister bought Rylee a lightsaber and he made friends with a boy at the concert. Soon, they were in a full battle that would make Darth Vader proud. I was kind of jealous cause I wanted a lightsaber.

My sister started talking to the other boy’s mother and father. I walked over to say hi, and to give my sister the baby, and I see that the couple’s single friend is standing there. He was only kind of good looking which is perfect because that’s what I like. I wasn’t feeling that great that night and was wearing baggy pants and a t-shirt. I caught the guy checking me out several times throughout the night which was nice. I haven’t been paying attention to guys in a while. At the end of the night, we were all talking about Harry Potter and how we can’t wait for the new book to come out, and the woman was saying how she hasn’t read any of the books when the single guy says, “I don’t read. I manage 200 people and 4 departments at work.” I thought this was weird to say, it seemed random, until my sister later told me that she thought he said it to impress me. Who knows why he said it, but he’s the first guy I’ve been interested in months and it felt good to check someone out like that.

I’m fucking sore today. My mom had a barbecue for her birthday and all of the kids were there. I swam from noon until 8:30 PM. When I say swam, I mean that I jumped off the diving board about 30 times with the kids and then we played a pool game where I was paddling in the deep end for a few hours. I’m exhausted.

On a funny note, I had to shave my bikini area because I didn’t have time to wax and I wanted to be nice and neat for family day at the pool. So, after a few hours in the pool I feel some intense itching. Apparently, the chlorine was irritating my newly shaved skin. I felt like Steph in this post, except I’m around a bunch of kids and family. Yikes. I ran into the bathroom and scratched like a madwoman. The rest of the night my crotch was quite uncomfortable.

Here are some pictures from the day. Be warned,they are cute.


I love this picture. Such a cutie!


Rylee looking cool.


Morgan being the crazy girl she is.


Mom holding Colin in the water.


Look at the bugger. Adorable.

I also made red velvet cake from scratch for my mom. It turned out amazing. One thing about it though, it turns your poop bright red. Or at least, it’s turned mine bright red. I have some calls in to confirm that it’s turned the other’s poop red too. I don’t know why I need to know, but I do.

That’s it bitches. I’ll see you later. I’ll be posting the recipe for the cake later on The Home Cook and I might be updating Coquettishly, I’m not sure if I’m that motivated today.

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Every time I leave for a run, I feel like I have to pee. Even though I usually go before I run. The feeling usually appears in the middle of my run and I just ignore it. Today, it rained like a motherfucker just when I got home. It was a monsoon. After about an hour of straight downpour, it cleared up. I put on my sneakers and took off.

About 5 minutes into it, I had to pee. I wasn’t about to turn around and go home, so I kept going. I was only running about 3 miles today, so I knew could hold it.

Um, yeah.

At the end of my run, I go up this huge hill. It’s a pretty sharp incline. As I start going up the hill, the pee pee feeling is getting stronger. It’s getting more and more difficult to hold it.

The hill is steep. I feel like it’s taking me forever to climb it. The bouncing isn’t helping. I get up the hill and start running a bit faster. I have 3 blocks to run until I’m home. I’m saying, “Don’t pee don’t pee don’t pee don’t pee” to myself as I’m running. Finally, my bladder has had enough and I have to sprint or piss myself again.

Yeah, I pee my pants all of the time.

I get home and run up the stairs with lightening speed. Or like someone who has to pee really bad.

I’m pulling my pants down as I run in the door and collapse on the toilet in relief. Thankfully, I remembered to lift the toilet lid before I let loose.

The peeing was so good I let out a moan.

***

I spent half of my lunch outside today sitting on a bench reading. A woman sat down next to me and pulled out her phone. So, she’s talking quietly in the phone. I’m not really paying attention to her, until I hear this….”I think I have deformed vagina lips.”

Um what?

She then explains that her vagina lips are really long and flare out.

How the fuck can I keep a straight face?

I kept reading as she goes deeper and deeper into detail about her vagina lips.

Who the hell was she talking to?

I looked around for candid cameras or something like that. I really couldn’t believe that someone could talk at length about her vagina lips. But, apparently this was a very important thing for her.

I look up to my right and I see another woman listening to the large-lipped woman. That’s when I lost it. I got up and ran back to work.

So, you know what I did right?

As soon as I got home, I had to take a look at my vagina. Just to make sure that my lips weren’t long and flared out.

It’s all good.

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I got my new glasses today. I love them, but I have to get used to them. It’s been a long time since I updated my glasses. I don’t wear glasses often, so I never bothered to get the prescription updated. It’s been years.

Here are two pictures of me wearing my new glasses, please forgive me for how bad they are. They were taken with my camera phone and I had just come in from my run.


What do you think?


You talking to me? Huh?

I got my period today. I suppose I’m on a 20 day cycle now because I was bleeding two and half weeks ago. So irritating. Luckily, I was wearing black panties.

That’s all I have. Boring boring boring. I know. Here are two pictures I took when I got home today:


Here’s a baby bunny sitting near my steps. How fucking cute is that!


This is my flower box on my steps. Pretty pretty.

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For all of you who have been with me for a while, you may remember me mentioning that I want to be a ninja. Yeah, how cool am I?

Not a real ninja though. That’s ridiculous. I want to be a superhero cartoon kind of ninja. For some reason that isn’t as ridiculous as being a real ninja.

Anyhow, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought (well not that much though but enough to write this post) and these are some of the ideas I’ve come up with to make my ninja form different than other ninjas out there.

I went to this site and checked out all of the gear and shit they had there. They have swords, throwing stars, dragons, and kick ass uniforms. It’s awesome. But then I starting thinking that I could probably come up with a better uniform than what they offered. Something a bit more deadly and sneaky. And fashionable. I’m still a woman. Then I thought, how fucking incredible would it be to have a uniform made from materials that utilized the same chemical processes a chameleon has. Then I could be deadlier because I would just blend in with the scenery, but not just one kind….all fucking scenery. Like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak except I wouldn’t be a wizard.

Wait, a ninja wizard would be fucking fierce. Instead of a sword I’d have a wand. Yeah, so cool.

Okay, I should focus. Just the ninja stuff for now.

I went ahead and bought the book, REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book. They had so many ideas for how to make your uniforms and how to flip out in such a way that people wouldn’t come near you forever. But, I didn’t want to be that kind of ninja. I wanted to be the super sneaky kind that could chop off a head without anyone even knowing I was in the room, except for the faint smell of lavender. That would be a my calling card….lavender. I would be the lavender invisible ninja.

While ordering the book, I saw The Batman Handbook: The Ultimate Training Manual and thought, “Hell yeah.” What was I to do? Batman or Ninja? Ninja of course, but I felt I needed to give the Batman idea a chance and I ordered the book. I now think that my superhero lavender smelling camouflage ninja self could use sidekick. Someone way less cooler than me, but still able to deal with the amazing super ninja I’m going to be.

But then I saw The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead and I was like, “Ohhhhhh nooooo” cause you all know how I’m deeply afraid of zombies. Vampires, mummies, werewolves, demons, gremlins, Freddy, Jason….I piss from laughing at them. Zombies will make me shit myself. It’s because I really believe that out of all the possible horror movie things that could happen in real life, zombies are one of them. I can’t watch zombie movies because I get so scared I can’t sleep for days. I even have nightmares about them, which I’ve posted here. So, of course I had to buy this fucking book. I knew deep in my soul that this book would prove itself useful and one day those who laugh at my zombie fear will come running to me because I alone have the key to defeating the army of zombies created from a crazy virus that the monkeys brought here from the jungle we cut down. I don’t want to talk about zombies anymore cause I’m getting scared.

I felt that my quest to become a ninja was getting sidetracked and since I was confident I had what I needed to purchase my ninja goods, make my own uniforms (except the chameleon technology—can anyone help an aspiring ninja out), and hire a sidekick….I felt I needed something more. I needed a mentor or sage ninja to guide me in my journey.

I started listening to the podcast, Ask a Ninja, and I knew that I had found the one that would lead me down the right path.

Now, all of you can rest easily knowing that I’m on my way to be the coolest and fiercest ninja ever.

I have to think up a good ninja name.

And be happy that I will be able to protect myself when the zombies finally attack. Cause they’re going to.

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Nothing extraordinary happened on my way to 30th St. Station or at the station. But as soon as I boarded the train, I heard a piercing scream followed by a man’s voice yelling, “Get the hell up.” I walk down the aisle to get a seat and I see the man yanking a woman’s arm to get her to stand up. I’m shocked by this and then I see that the woman is mentally challenged. She continues to scream that she doesn’t want to leave the train and the man keeps yanking her arm. I’m more than a little disturbed by this. Why does he keep yanking her arm? He’s not being gentle at all. Finally, one of the conductors (I supposed that’s what he’s called) comes up and tells the man to stop manhandling the woman. He yells, “But she’s my daughter.” Thankfully, the conductor didn’t care what the man said and spoke to the woman gently about how this was her stop and isn’t she excited to see Philadelphia. The woman got right up and left the train.

Of course, I sit in a seat behind one that is broken. How do you know it’s broken, you ask? Because the woman sitting in the seat reclined the fucker and almost broke my kneecaps causing me to yelp. I’m now sitting on the aisle seat, which I hate, while she reclining in the seat next to me…from the seat in front of me. I wouldn’t have to move an inch to blow on her so that she’d feel it. There are no empty rows left or I’d move. I’m stuck here. This is typical Debbie luck.

I’m going to shut my eyes for a little bit. I’ll be back.

I’m back. My sister and her husband picked me up at the train station. We went to a buffet place for dinner called Cactus Willies. I’m weird about buffet’s, but they were buying and I was really hungry. The food was okay. There were two types of people there—obese and Amish. Yup, you read that right. I said Amish. At a buffet place called Cactus Willies.

After dinner, we went to see my nephew Rylee at his karate class. It looked like so much fun that I’m signing up for karate in the new year. I think that I was made for karate but didn’t realize until now. Yeah, I’m gonna be fierce deadly. Ninjas will cower at the sight of me. You know it.

After the whole dinner/karate thing, we went to my sister’s house. I noticed something smelled really bad. My sister started explaining how they spray poo on the crops and that’s what the smell is. So, listen people…..not only does this spray smell like the earth is dying, but I think I’m allergic to it. The further we get out into the country, the more I start feeling itchy and swollen. And that’s how I am right now. I’ve taken so much allergy medicine in the past two days that I feel drunk.

I tried to get on the internet, but couldn’t. I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t able to get on the internet for two whole days. It was torture and I’m a bit ashamed to admit that.

Yesterday, I spent the day cleaning my sisters house and wrapping her presents. We then went to the pet store and I have decided I want a fish, so I think I’ll pick one up next week (I know I’m a mess, deal with it). I then went shopping with my brother-in-law. He needed to pick up one last gift for my sister. We then went to dinner at a fabulous Mexican place. Oh, the food was divine. And that’s where the fun began.

My sister complains about everything. I mean everything. And my brother-in-law just eggs her on. I was in hell. All they did the rest of the evening was bicker. I hate that. My sister’s friend, Hope, came over and we were talking girl stuff. My brother-in-law went out to the bar, so we had a sort of peaceful evening.

Then my sister goes to the bathroom and comes out crying. She says he needs to call her doctor. My stomach starts to hurt. She has complete placenta previa and this condition is extremely dangerous for her and the baby. The doctor tells her to take it easy and go to the hospital if it gets worse. Well, about a half hour later she goes to the bathroom and comes out with the toilet paper she wiped herself with and it was bright red. We immediately call her husband and we all go to the hospital. It turns out to be a bit of spotting, but she’s now on the strictest bedrest or she’s going to be admitted to the hospital until she’s ready to give birth. She won’t listen.

My sister is one of those people who just don’t listen. She’s been up and down stairs, bending down, cleaning, doing all kinds of stuff she’s not supposed to be doing. I yelled at her and her husband last night. I called my mother and she yelled at my sister. If something happened to her, I don’t know how any of us would cope. I’m so worried about her.

This morning was nothing to talk about. The train rides home were shitty. The subway smelled like vomit, which is always appealing.

I’ll be catching up on everyone’s blogs tonight and cooking.

Yay!!!! I’m home.

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