Archive for the ‘I need a hug’ Category

I’m tired.  I don’t know why.  It’s just one of those weeks.  I’ve had a few really bad days and I’m super bloated.  Like super bloated.  And my poop isn’t right.  I don’t know what’s going on, but it sucks.

I was sitting around last night thinking, really thinking, and an idea for a book slammed into me.  The idea isn’t at all like anything I’ve ever thought of writing.  The genre is wrong, but the story is coming to me and I’m really excited about it.  My toes are tingling.  Now, I just have to get over my fear and start writing.  I already have about 7 pages of notes from just last night.  I even bought a voice recorder in case something comes to me and I can’t write fast enough.  Wish me luck.

I will not discuss what the book is about.  Ever.  Not that I don’t love you all, but I don’t want to jinx it or have anyone steal it.

If I had the energy to explain why I’m so exhausted, I would.  I just don’t feel like writing about.  But, I could sleep for a whole day or more.  It’s my fantasy right now.  Sleep.  I have 5 whole days off next weekend and I can’t freakin wait.  I’m going MIA.  Seriously MIA.

I miss my neighbor.  It hit me yesterday, hard.  It’s been 1 month since she died and I miss talking to her.  I still look over at her porch expecting her to be there.  It’s just…weird.  I’m going to visit her grave tomorrow and have a chat.  I think it will make me feel better.

I’ll put together a new playlist tomorrow, if anyone cares.  Yeah, I will lie to myself and say that everyone will be chewing their hands off with excitement at what music I’ll pick this time.  Yes.  Lie to myself.

That’s all for now.  Thanks for reading.

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Last Sunday, we had huge storms come through.  I recorded my latest podcast during the storms.  Apparently, my downstairs neighbors let their cat, Tigger, out in between storms because when I got home from work on Monday they were frantically yelling for him.  I have some very strong opinions about people who let their pets run around the neighborhood—they shouldn’t.  Tigger doesn’t wear a collar.  He’s an alley cat, so he’s always howling to get outside.  I’m used to seeing him around the yard, having given up on trying to talk my neighbor into keeping him inside.

On Wednesday, I asked about the cat and they still hadn’t found him.  The neighbors had gone door to door, visited the local animal shelter, and even went to the police station with no success.  They were scared he was stuck somewhere, locked in someone’s garage or basement.  On Friday night, I was coming home from a ridiculous evening at my father’s when Jim, my guy neighbor, stopped me to tell me that they found Tigger.  He was dead under their back patio.  It looks like he died from natural causes, he was just curled up with no trauma or anything.  Jim had to rip up the planks of wood on the patio to get him out.  I visited the little guy’s grave today and said bye.

Seriously, I’m sick of death.  Not one more this year, at least, or I’m going to freak the fuck out.

Other than the evening at my dad’s and his house full of people who don’t fucking work and are half retarded, ohhhh I’ll have to write a whole other post to explain that shit, I’ve had a beautifully silent weekend.  I did things at my leisure, laundry and grocery shopping, with no one bothering me and calling me at all hours.  I watched movies, surprising myself by enjoying Enchanted and Penelope way more than I thought I would.  I also read all weekend.  It was awesome.

The kittens are driving me crazy.  Hayden wants to party all the time and Nina isn’t happy unless she’s laying on me.  And I’m not allowed to walk around without Nina under my feet.  I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her because I’m tripping over her so much.  Hayden keeps biting my feet and Nina keeps chewing my laptop while I’m typing this.  They’re driving me crazy.  They are sooooo lucky I love them. Roslin and Stella are still awesome and well-behaved.

And finally, fuck you Warner Bros.  Seriously.  What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Thinking.  How dare you move Harry Potter back 8 months.  You greedy fuckers.  Really.  You blame it on the writer’s strike, but the movie finished shooting months ago.  This is seriously rude.  The movie better be the best one yet or I will put a curse on your whole studio.  You assholes.

Yes, that last paragraph demonstrates how little of a life I have and yet I don’t care.  I’m pissed.  I had a whole Harry Potter weekend planned with my nephew and I had to call him and tell him that we have to wait not 3 months, but almost a year.

Oh, and I chopped my hair off.  Think Ashley Judd’s hair in Someone Like You.

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Last night, I was reading when I heard the old lady next door’s, BJ’s, car start.  I didn’t think anything of it because she always came and went whenever.

This morning, I saw that my mailbox was open.  Inside was a plastic bag with strange contents; girdles, panties, a change purse with a bunch of rings, and an Avon box with brand new jewelry in it.

I thought this was a weird thing.  BJ always left things in my mailbox for me.  Sometimes they were weird, but never this weird.  I just figured that she just wanted to give me some stuff.  I didn’t really look that closely.

I went to work and everything was normal.

I came home and saw two men in suits getting into cars parked in front of my house.  I thought this was strange.  When I pulled over to wait for them to leave, one of the men asked me if I lived there.  I said yes and couldn’t shake the ‘something is wrong’ feeling.

I notice that another neighbor’s, Mark’s, truck is parked in her driveway.  This isn’t unusual, but I still had an uneasy feeling.  I got upstairs and called her house.  Mark answered.

There was definitely something wrong.

I asked to speak with BJ and he had he unfortunate task of telling me that she ‘did herself in’ last night.


“She killed herself last night?”


“I’m sorry o be the one to tell you.”


“She shot herself.”


“She got everything in order yesterday, put all of the paperwork, will…everything in order, put her cats in the carrier, drove to a cemetary that was build on the land her grandfather owned (where she grew up), shot the cats, and then shot herself twice in the chest.”

“Oh my god.”

I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  Something in my mind cracked.  It’s still cracked.

BJ was one of my best friends.  I loved her.  When I was down and out, she helped me like her long lost granddaughter.  We looked after each other.  She drove me crazy and was stubborn and annoying, but I wouldn’t have had in any other way.

The fact that she felt so distraught that she had to end it all, it kills me.

What was she distraught about?  Money.  She lost everything in the Nigerian scam and instead of coming to us, she ended it.  She even sent an email to those crooks telling them that by the time they read her email, she would be dead.  She was about $200,000 in debt.

The fact that she shot the cats is even more disturbing, as she didn’t have children and they were her babies.  She would beat your ass is you looked at them wrong.  I can’t imagine how broken she must have been to take a gun and shoot her babies, and then after that shoot herself.  Maybe she was afraid that nobody would have taken care of them.  I don’t know.  I just keep thinking about her doing that.  It’s so upsetting.

But, she ended it on her own terms and she took her babies with her.

She left two notes for Mark.  She left the underpants (which from the look of them were given to me because she didn’t want people going through them) and jewelry for me.

That’s all that we know of.

She was 78 years old and it breaks my heart that she let money destroy her.  Money is just money.  It doesn’t really mean anything.  In the big picture, it doesn’t mean anything.

And yet, it destroyed one of the strongest people I know.

I am so heart broken and sad.  I wish I was magic.  I wish I controlled time.  I wish I could go and heal her.

I’m so sick of death.

Somebody come and hold me.

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I was just cooling down from a 3 mile run. I was walking around the lake near my house and I saw a little turtle crossing the street. The little guy was just sitting in the middle of the street, so I walked over to pick him up and put him by the lake when I saw a SUV coming.

I know you see where this is going.

I decided, stupidly, to let the car go by thinking that the driver would go around the turtle. Nope. The bitch ran right over it. I hope her vagina rots until the smell makes even her children not want to be around her. I know she saw the turtle and she certainly saw me. And there are signs everywhere warning of wildlife crossing.


So, now I have some serious guilt. I should have made the woman stop and wait for me to put the little turtle by the lake instead of giving her any fucking credit for having a soul. But, I know I can’t save the world and in these moments I remember The Lion King and the circle of life. The little turtle will feed the birds and other animals.

But, this is a lesson to all. One moment of hesitation can change something. I could have saved a turtle today. And I didn’t.

Oh, and to the lady in the red SUV. Bitch, if I ever see you again I will spit on you. Or throw goose shit at you.

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Yay, it’s fixed

My computer is fixed.  I did it all by myself with McAfee helping me out.  I had a virus and it was bad.  But, it’s gone and my computer is working better than it has in months.  McAfee is awesome.

I must confess that I haven’t slept much this week.  Worrying about my aunt (who is suffering her death worse than anyone with a heart as pure as hers should), worrying about my computer, worrying about life in general, worrying about my baby niece, worrying about my sister who is back in the hospital with another infection (suspicious circumstances may surround this infection…is anyone surprised), worrying that my father only calls me when one of my sisters is in trouble or when he needs something from me, worrying about my computer, worrying about my worrying, and then worrying about growing old alone, childless, and bitter.  How much does that suck?

A result of this lack of sleep and worrying, I think I’m coming down with something.  My throat has hurt me all day, I’ve started coughing, and I’m feeling very lethargic.  I’m had enough of being sick this year.

Stay tuned for many more posts.  Just because my computer was down doesn’t mean I stopped writing.  Thanks for your patience.

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My sister has a staph infection that was left untreated for months, or so the doctors believe. She has heart damage from it. Her mitral valve has about 60% damage with a growth of bacteria about an inch in length and a half inch in width. She’s having open heart surgery as I write this to replace the damaged valve. At this point, I don’t know if they are using a bovine valve or a mechanical valve. I know if they use a mechanical valve, she will be on coumadin for the rest of her life. This means she won’t be able to have children.The bovine valve would have to be replaced in 10-15 years. Either way, this will result in huge life changing event.

I hope this is a wakeup call for her. Recovery from this surgery takes months. If she starts using drugs again, she will probably die.

I was at the hospital today for about 3 hours. I’m home feeling a bit wrecked and stressed out. There was so much drama at the hospital, I don’t know where to begin. I’ll give you a list of what went down.

  • The nurse was trying to draw blood from my sister and couldn’t because the veins in her arms are so scarred up. The doctor is going to have to draw blood from her groin.
  • My sister’s ex-boyfriend (current boyfriend, I don’t know…he was in jail for grand larceny and released on Saturday) walked into the room and my sister’s mother started freaking out. Apparently, this guy got a hotel room and had my sister turn tricks for drug money. Several times. I was told that one time, after they got high, he just left her there. I don’t know if that part is true.
  • After freaking out, my sister’s mother got the hospital’s security to come up to the room to block the guy from seeing my sister. My sister is of age though, so her mother had no say. She did, however, explain to the security guards what the guy had done to my sister.
  • What she neglected to tell the security guards is that she (the mother) is also a user of cocaine and had actually done lines with my sister quite regularly.
  • The guy did see my sister, my dad stayed in the room with them. Her mother kept up her drama in the middle of the hallway in the cardiac unit. It was absolutely embarrassing and I felt as if she was taking out her own anger at herself and guilt on everyone else. I could be wrong about that too, since her showing that kind of emotion would suggest she has a heart which I have a hard time believing.

To make life even more stressed, my aunt who has stage 4 lung cancer has developed little bumps all in her groin and under her arms. It’s not a rash or anything…it’s more cancer. Now, she’s been on chemo for months now, so I’m really concerned about this. Her tumors have been shrinking and now she’s developing cancer in other places. What does this mean? Is it spreading? Is it getting worse? She also has go in on Friday to get 2 pints of blood. How is she losing blood? I’m thinking she’s going for a blood transfusion or something like that. But, I keep thinking that it’s getting worse than we’re prepared for.

I’m so sick of bad news and tragedy and stress and worrying about everything and horrible things. They haven’t made up a word for how sick of it I am. I’m sad. Really really really sad.

UPDATE: They cancelled the surgery because when they started to put her under anesthesia, a huge hematoma formed in her neck. My sister said the doctor described it was like a huge bubble in her neck. They are waiting until the morning to do the surgery. I’m really worried now. How many more complications are there?

I have to go to bed now.

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I just got home from my company’s Holiday Party and I’m officially wiped. I’ve been so busy, both at work and at home, that I feel like I’m wired. I haven’t been feeling very well for most of the week. I thought I was feeling better today, but it was a false hope. I started feeling like poop about an hour ago and now I’m ready to go to sleep until Monday morning.

Another Holiday Party passes without me winning any prizes. I’ve never won anything at any of our parties. It sucks. There were some sweet gift cards being won. $500 to Best Buy. Nice, huh?

I’m going to bed now, but first I wanted to direct a few of you who emailed me about Christmas to my Amazon Wishlist. Yes, I’m pimping the wishlist. Anyhow, some sweethearts (yes, more than one person) asked me how they could get a gift to me (and I’m too tired and lazy to email them all individually right now). The Amazon Wishlist is how. You don’t need my address. Everything on there is exactly what I want. Go wild.

That being said, I want to make it known that I don’t expect anyone to buy me a gift. There I said it. But honestly, who doesn’t love gifts.

I think I’m rambling now. It’s the Nyquil and the headache and the sore throat and the aches and the….. Did I mention I was also brain dead. Yeah, my mind is mush. And I’m still rambling. Goodnight.

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You’ll have to wait

Work is kicking my ass and I’m sick. I have no energy to write anything. I’ll be back soon. Read the archives if you need your fix.


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My life that is. For today at least. I’m going to bed soon so that it’s over. The day is over, not my life.

  1. My aunt is fairing okay. My mom is giving her advice about how to get through chemo sickness. Thank you all for your beautiful words and support. I find myself thinking about her at every idle moment and crying.
  2. Last night I had dinner at the old lady next door’s house. She put on a pot roast. I wasn’t in the mood to have a big meal like that, but she doesn’t take no for an answer. As soon as my first bite was chewed and swallowed I felt sick. I ate my meal and came home. I had the fiercest headache I’ve had in weeks and I was nauseous. The headache was so bad I couldn’t sleep. Of course, I was out of pain killers. Around 1 AM, I got dressed and went out to the drug store to get some meds. As I was driving home, my stomach started cramping up pretty bad. I was in the door 2 minutes before I had to run to the bathroom to puke. I then puked the whole night. I didn’t get any sleep last night. Not one minute. I have broken blood vessels on my face from the puking. I still feel like shit.
  3. I also got my period today. Just another thing to make me feel awesome.
  4. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. It’s an independent medical exam for my arm. I broke my arm in a parking lot 4 years ago and I’m suing. I still have problems with the arm. I’ve never had to do this before, so I have no idea what to expect from this doctor. My deposition is next week. I hope we settle. I’m so sick of this lawsuit.
  5. Roslin, my kitten, fell in the bathtub again tonight. Yes, I said again. She tries to balance herself on the edge of the tub and well, slips. If I can remember to shut the door when taking a bath, maybe we could avoid this mess. But, I live alone and never close the door of the bathroom. I even have a hard time remembering to close the door when I have company. Oy!

That’s all. I have also recorded a podcast for your listening enjoyment. I tell the story of my day trip to NYC with my mom and our friends. Click here to listen.

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I’m fucking tired tonight. I’m going to bed. Peace.

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