Another case of TMI, like I care

This weekend was quite relaxing. I needed it. In a bad way. I wrapped all of my gifts today, even the candy I made is wrapped and looking pretty, so I’m done. I can sit back and enjoy the holiday season. This is the first year I’m totally done this early. It’s awesome.

I also cleaned out my jewelry box and was painfully reminded of the fact that my ex (the one who took my money) also sold a bunch of my treasured jewelry. Fucking bastard. I have very few pieces now and it breaks my heart.

Here comes the TMI, but whatever…

I pulled out my dildo this afternoon because I was crazy bored and horny. It had dust on it. Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve had anything up my cookie, except for a tampon. So, I cleaned it off and started making sweet love to myself. When I started inserting the dildo, something strange happened. My vagina hurt. Like a virgin kind of hurt. I got over it and enjoyed myself, but after I started thinking. I really need a boyfriend or, at the very least, to start going on dates. I’m getting a little too comfortable being alone. I need to get my ass back out there. Cause if I don’t have sex soon, my vag might grow shut. Right?

I’m going to leave it there. I have to write out my Christmas cards now. Peace, bitches.

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I can’t get no…no no no

For those of you who work with me, you may want to come back later. This post is going to be explicit and you may find it difficult to look me in the face. If you read on, don’t tell me you weren’t warned.

To say that I need to get fucked is an understatement. I could say, I need to get laid or I need to have sex…but those words invoke either a sense of one-sided participation or a sense of niceness. That’s not what I want.

I want to be made to participate. I want to have to earn some niceties. I want to have pleasure dangled in my face and then be made to work for it.

I’m talking about domination.

It’s been a very long time since I was free to submit to my submissive side and I’m craving it. From the top of my head to my tippy toes. I’m not going to be satisfied until I get this. Some may not understand it. But I love exploring this side of myself.

To surrender completely, to trust completely, to test your limits.

Most of the time, spiced up vanilla sex is perfectly acceptable to me. But, every now and then I need to be put in my place. Don’t confuse that statement with feminism, sexism, or abuse. It’s not the same thing.

There are just moments when I need to feel my hands tied behind me, I need to feel a firm hand on my ass making it red and stinging, I need to feel my hair pulled just enough to smart, I need to crawl around on my hands and knees obeying for a few hours, I need to feel the hard snap of a ruler across my ass, I need to feel the delicate slap of a cock across my face, I need to feel…

…something.

Anyhow, there is no other thing I wanted to say. Just needed to get off of my chest. Thanks for listening.

Now, watch a video featuring two of my favorite artists because it’s really good.

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It’s chopped, get over it

I chopped my hair off. I sat down and said, “Cut the fucking mop to my chin.” And she did. I. Fucking. Love. It. Of course one of my male friends expressed extreme disappointment. I told him that he has to get over it. Why do men love long hair on women? Do they realize how much fucking work it is?

They probably love when a women runs her hair up and down his body. Whatever. Close your eyes and let her get a feather duster. Same thing.

I’ll take a picture of the new cut sometime next week. I always like to give a new haircut a week to settle.

I’m not cutting the crotch out of a pair of $70 stockings no matter how much they bind my ass and suffocate my cunt. If I cut a hole, I know that the fucker would run and my stockings would be ruined. I don’t have the money to replace these stockings every fucking week. Unless you people would like to click on the ‘Donate’ button and help a woman out.

The first thing when I got home today was tear my clothes off and lay on my bed free as a bird. It was glorious. Then I remembered I had to pee really bad. I lost the carefree moment after that so I put some clothes on. It was chilly anyhow.

I was thinking about the Pilot today. I haven’t heard from him in so long and I wish that things were different between us sometimes. It’s taken a long time to get to a place where I respect myself enough not to compromise what I want. Yet, I often think about how easy it would be to just throw all of that self-respect and ‘standards’ shit away and just be with him. Or anyone. The Pilot is not good for me. I know this and yet…

I go back and forth until I realize how unhappy I would eventually end up if I put my standards and wants to the side. It would be like going backwards. And remember, I said it’s all about progress. Life, love, dreams, standards, health, intelligence. If I’m not moving ahead, then I might as well give the fuck up and lie down and die. I can’t allow myself to go backward.

But, sometimes I slip. In my daydreams. In the nighttime dreams. That line between doing what’s easy instead of what is right for you. Always there. In everything we do.

Maybe I’m just lonely. It happens, you know?

To remind myself about what I want, I wrote a list. I’m cool like that. I published this list once a long time ago and I’ve included it here again because I think I need to be reminded of the things I really want and who I really am. Getting to the life you want is hard, but it’s better than settling.

Anyhow, this is my “List for Life”. I use this list to keep myself in check. It applies to lovers, friends, family, etc. Enjoy.

1. I want love and comfort. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother.
2. I will never like or love you as much as I love myself and I expect you to love yourself that much too.
3. I want to laugh at least every hour.
4. I want someone to say goodnight to.
5. I want respect, common courtesy, and manners.
6. I want to be serious.
7. I don’t want be used or toyed with.
8. I want to be kissed on my neck, right below my left ear, every morning.
9. I don’t want you to cheat on me. Ever. I will never forgive it. And yes, I am a hypocrite.
10. Understand that I will need to be alone sometimes and that it has nothing to do with you.
11. I won’t tolerate ignorance. It’s poison to me. I will dump you on the spot.
12. I won’t tolerate being made a fool.
13. If you are pursuing me and you are serious about it, then you shouldn’t be seeing any other women (by ‘seeing’ I mean—kissing, holding hands with, touching the small of her back, smelling her hair, hugging for any other reason other than hello or goodbye). If you are, then you should forget about me.
14. You can expect me to obey #13 too.
15. I need a lot of sex. It’s just who I am. Some people eat a lot of chocolate. I need sex like that.
16. Try not to lie to me. I will try not to lie to you.
17. If you don’t like what I’m doing, tell me at the time. I will do the same. Holding anger in is not good.
18. I want to sit in silence. Comfortable silence.
19. I’m not so tough. I pretend to be. It’s called self-preservation. And it’s an act that I shouldn’t get away with. It’s good to be vulnerable sometimes and you must know me well enough to call me out on this.
20. I’m stubborn. And impatient. And sometimes a bitch.
21. I’m loyal to a fault. I’m protective. I will rip the skin off of anyone who hurts someone I love.
22. I’m hardly ever in a bad mood. I may act cranky or stressed out, but it’s never that deep. I’m usually laughing about it in 5 minutes.
23. I am not a push-over. Never mistake me for that.
24. I’m smarter than I let on. Trust me on this.
25. I might be smarter than you. You will have to be okay with this.
26. The only time I get embarrassed or really scared is when I talk about my feelings or my emotions or when someone gives me presents that are meaningful. Almost nothing else bothers me. Ask me if I love you and I might have a heart attack. Ask me about my bowel movements, I’ll give you my schedule. Give me flowers and I might pass out. Give me a dildo and I might give a demonstration on how to give good head…understand?
27. I am a very giving person. I’m always happiest when I can give someone something special. I like giving cards for no reason and leaving notes around or sending sweet things threw the mail. Of course, I’m an emotional retard when someone does the same for me.
28. I swear a lot. This should not bother you. I know in which social situations I have to use the appropriate words. At home, I will curse like a sailor.
29. I’m not an innocent. I’m not in need of rescue. I’m not going to pretend I am. You should feel strong knowing that I am strong.
30. I remember almost everything—especially the important stuff. The good and the bad. Don’t ever forget that.
31. I don’t like to fight. I don’t like to yell. I believe in peace.
32. Next time I’m feeling obnoxiously sad/confused/hopeless/self-destructive, I will call my mother. She has never lead me astray.

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I don’t have the energy for a full post, but that shit will be solved tomorrow

I’m tired and pissy. Long story short, I was in Tennessee for 4 days and on the 5th day my sister convinced me to fucking drive home with her, my 7 month old nephew, my grandmother, and my fucked up drugged out aunt. Guess how long it took?

16 motherfucking hours. We drove straight through, only stopping for pee breaks. The baby started screaming at hour 13. My aunt started her shit around the same time.

My hips hurt from sitting in the fucking car.

I don’t even feel ready for social contact yet.

I want to hide in my apartment and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

I have masturbated 4 times in the past 2 hours. What the fuck?

I’m watching a retarded show called Wedding Altered and why do people get so fucking crazy over a wedding? I have never wanted a wedding. Give me Las Vegas. Give me a cheesy fat Elvis impersonator. Give me alcohol. Give me depravity. Am I weird?

Anyhow, the big long post about a Northern girl from one of the most populated states in the country ventured to God’s country where people actually buy food at a place called the Piggly Wiggly.

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Calling all minions

I need minions. I have evil deeds that I need carried out. But, right now I need minions to volunteer to guest post for me.

I will be in Tennessee in September and won’t be able to maintain this blog for about a week, so I was thinking that if I could get people to guest post it would be great.

Do you know what’s great about guest posting on here?

You can write about whatever you want. Sex. Poop. Having sex with poop. Whatever. You can cuss and scream and be nuts. It will be awesome.

Basically, I will give my username and password to someone I trust and they will be putting up your posts. How fun is that? It’s a way to discover new writers and to have a little fun.

So, let me know if you’re interested. I expect to hear from all of you, even my lurkers. I see you all lurking out there, how about showing yourselves.

Listen minions, you have 3 weeks to decide if you want to do this and then write. I’ll be waiting for you, my loveys. Don’t disappoint me.

—

Now, onto some other shit.

1. Today, while making a trip to the dollar store I came upon a man holding a tissue up to another man’s neck telling him to blow. Yes. He was blowing gunk out of his trach thingy. I gagged like a motherfucker.
2. The construction worker I have a crush on was on the train today and he looked at me, so I smiled. He smiled back. I then saw him at lunchtime, sitting near my building and I smiled and he smiled back. Baby steps. But hopefully I’m riding that jock in the next couple months. Sorry to be so vulgar, but…..fuck it, I’m not sorry at all. I want to ride it.
3. I’m buying an ankle brace and I’m going back out running regardless of what the doctor says. I hate sitting here with my ass expanding and feeling like a fucking blob.
4. If I had to choose between Ed Norton and Joaquin Phoenix, I’d pick Joaquin. No question. I want to suck on that scar.
5. Dear lovely readers, please don’t keep bugging me to link to you. If I want to, I will. Are we understanding each other? I’m also not going to keep up links on blogs that haven’t been updated in months. Sorry. I still love you, but that’s the way it is. Don’t cry to me about this. There are only 5 people that are exempt from this and they know who they are.
6. I so totally need to be dominated, it’s not funny. I’m a submissive girl and I’ve been fantasizing in vivid detail about how I’d like to have a dom treat me. Fuck. I hope the construction worker likes to play kinky. I’m in trouble if not.
7. I’ve been tweezing my eyebrows for about 15 years now. Why is the hair still growing? I thought that after a while the hair follicles get damaged and stop working after a while. Well, it’s not working for me. I don’t like to get them waxed because I’m a control freak and am fucking awesome at shaping my own brows, but I find it tiring sometimes. The things I do for beauty.
8. I need to go shopping. Like hardcore shopping.
9. I love a guy with nice thick legs. Just like the construction worker. Hmmm. Just saying.
10. I love a guy with a little jiggle in his middle. Just like the construction worker. Hmmm.

I’m stopping now. I’m going to get myself in trouble if I talk anymore. I’m bored and feeling a bit horny and retarded. Yeah.

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Leave those trouble boys far behind

This weekend was weird. Yeah….

Friday, I took the afternoon off to babysit baby Colin. He was so good and delightful. I put some classical music on and he loves it. He was smiling and gooing and gaaing.

My sister was on a job interview and we’re pretty sure she got the job. The interview was about 20 minutes long and my sister said it was the weirdest interview ever. The guy had no questions and had no idea what the job was. He said, “I guess I’m the supervisor so yeah.”

Here are some Colin pictures:

My sister and I hung out at my house for a while, and then we bought groceries to cook my mom a nice dinner to celebrate her not having cancer. While we were cooking, my two other stinkies came over—Morgan and Connor. Conner didn’t want me to take his picture, but Morgan (the star) wanted a picture holding Colin. I took two.




Yeah, she’s giving him rabbit ears.

After dinner, my mom wanted to give the baby a bath so my sister and I went out to get ice cream cones. It’s been a long time since we were chilling alone together. We were cracking each other up. She dropped me off at my house around 11 PM. It was a pretty good day.

Yesterday, I got up early and cleaned. I went for a run and afterwards I walked over to the lake with a book and started reading under a big tree. It was so nice and quiet. After about an hour, I see this tall guy coming down to where I was. He looked like Harry Connick Jr., without the big cowboy hat and southern accent. He had a fishing pole and asked me if I minded him fishing near me. I said no. God, his ass was perfection.

So, he’s fishing and I’m reading and he starts talking to me about how he just moved to this town. He said he’s never lived in such a quiet town. We had a really nice conversation. After about another hour, I got up because my sister texted me that she was coming over for lunch. I said bye and the guy asked me for my phone number. I was surprised and gave it to him.

My sister got to my house as I was walking up. We lugged the baby up the stairs to my apartment. I made lunch as the baby was nestled onto my bed for his nap. We ate and talked. Colin woke up and we tried to get a picture of him to smile, but everytime I put the camera up to snap a picture he’d stop smiling. Here are more pictures of the stinky.

My sister left around 4 and I took a nap. It was a gorgeous nap. I woke up and decided I needed to go grocery shopping because I ran out of cereal. Yes, I quit the gluten free shit. It was crap. It’s a long story and too boring. Yes, way more boring than this post. Hard to believe right.

Well, here’s where the weekend turns weird.

I was picking out some endive, when this guy comes up next to me. It’s Harry Connick Jr.-looking fishing guy. I laughed and we talked a bit. He said he was in a hurry and I said I was too, so I continued my shopping. I got in line and as I was putting my stuff up on the counter, I see him get in line…..with a woman….and she’s wearing a wedding band….and they have diapers in their cart.

Deep breath.

Motherfucker.

I give up. I really do.

Steam coming out of my ears.

He sees me and I give him the finger and mouth fuck you. I got home and made dinner. And I got drunk. Seriously drunk.

I did nothing today. Oh, I made lavender shortbread cookies. See….

And that’s it.

Fucking men. Why do I let that man ruin my weekend? I know it’s insignificant, and yet here I am still fuming. So much so, that it drove me to bake to take my mind off of castrating that asswipe.

Can I admit that I actually wanted him to call me after the grocery store? Just to tell him off. How sad is that!!!!

I need a man. Not a bad boy. Just a nice one with an edge. So hard to find. Fuck.

I’ll leave you now with pictures of Stella Marie cause she’s super pretty.

Kisses…

Oh, and I updated all of my blogs this weekend. I know. It’s amazing. I’m going to try to be better at updating more regularly.

More kisses….

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Thoughts like these…

Today I was assaulted. By my uterus. It was a sneak attack. That bitch brought on my period 2 weeks early.

I went to tinkle at approximately 9:30 AM and pulled my favorite white panties down to see them completely ruined. These are my dirty schoolgirl panties. They have ruffles. They are awesome.

And now, they are in the trash.

I also had diarrhea this afternoon. I’m sure you all want to know all about it. I can honestly say that I’m baffled by how I could shit that much when I’ve hardly eaten in the past 3 days. I’m on a very strict diet this week. Oatmeal for breakfast. Banana for snack. Salad with no dressing for lunch. Grapes for snack. One bowl of raisin bran for dinner. What the fuck? I was on the toilet for 20 minutes and I was pooing the whole time, courtesy flushing a gazillion times. I hate when this happens at work.

And why does the handicapped stall make me feel safer when pooing at work?

Can someone explain the whole Emo thing to me? I don’t get it.

You know what I hate? When people celebrate an accomplishment by putting other people down. I read a post this week that did just that and it completely turned me off to that person. There’s no need to be that hateful.

Speaking of hateful, you know what I find disgusting? Women who turn their back on other women. I hate when a woman states that she gets along with men better than women. When I hear that it’s like a big warning goes off in my head that says, “Don’t trust this one”. Women who say this are the kind of women who stab other women in the back.

I have always surrounded myself with other women. I love men, don’t get me wrong, but surrounding myself with women friends makes me feel secure. I know that they are there for me and know, really know, the things I’m going through. Women have a kind of compassion that men don’t have. I don’t mean that men aren’t compassionate, I’m just saying that it’s in a woman’s nature to be more nurturing and empathetic than men. That’s why I surround myself with women. I would be happy in the red tent with my soul sisters talking and sharing stories and legacies.

And if you are a woman who thinks that female traits or being feminine or surrounding yourself with women equals weakness, then I want no part of you.

I have a weird dilemma. I think chivalry is dead, but do I have any right wanting men to be hold doors for me when I want men to treat me like an equal? I mean, I hold doors for everyone (cause my mama taught me good) and try to be courteous all of the time. But, for instance, when I get up from my train seat and there’s a man sitting in the seat across the aisle I always think it’s rude if he doesn’t let me exit first. Is this wrong? Is this the price of equality? Am I just wanting to have my cake and to eat it too? (whatever that means, who would want a cake and not want to eat it)

That’s all I have right now. My period has made me ridiculously horny, so I’m going to take a cold shower cause I’m so fucking bored with masturbation that I just want the horniness to go away rather than have an orgasm. I’m so sad I just wrote that. I just need a man. A fuck friend who is also nice to me and gives me massages and brings me presents and runs me a bath and who is also my boyfriend.

Okay, I’m really finished with this post now. I have to be or I’m going to keep saying embarrassing things.

Kisses.

(Edit): I don’t think I clearly communicated what I was talking about with this whole women friendship stuff. I’ve been so tired this week, please forgive me. I’m talking about women who only hang out with men, not us normal people that have both men and women as friends. You know that woman, the one who has almost no real women friends. The real kind of friends, not the kind you hang out with occasionally. (Emotionally supporting, will come over and clean your house when you’re sick, first person you call when anything important happens to you kind of friend.) I know you know at least one of these woman-hating women. The one who puts down her own sex in a heartbeat. I’m talking about that woman. And for the record, if you have women friends that are stabbing you in the back you should get rid of them. Not all women are like this. Men stab each other in the back too and I hate that people mainly associate that kind of behavior with women.

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Where’s my Mr. Darcy?–UPDATE

I woke up from a dream this morning that had me aroused and so deeply content, I tried to hold on to it for as long as I could. But, Stella jumped up on the bed and was meowing in my ear to be fed. It sucked to break myself off from the dream. It felt like I met my soul mate in the dream and we made love for hours. The most peaceful dream I’ve had in a long time.

This weekend I accomplished exactly what I wanted to….nothing. I hardly got dressed on Friday. I read all day and watched a few movies. I watched Pride and Prejudice, and I forgot how much I love Mr. Darcy. Oh real life Mr. Darcy, where are you? I ordered a pizza and didn’t care how busted I looked when I went to the door for the delivery man. I saw myself in the mirror that night and laughed.

Saturday, I woke up early and watched some Food Network. I worked out and decided my bathroom needed to be torn apart and cleaned. That’s what boredom does to me. I tear everything apart and realize it’s time for a new shower liner. It was a nice day, so I walked to the store. When I came back I notice something that had me so pissed, I lost my temper. All of my bulbs, daffodils/tulips, were mowed over. Mullet Man has no respect for anything. He has also moved my trashcans again. I throw the bag on my steps and move my trashcans back to where I want them. He comes around the house and says he doesn’t want them there. I tell him that’s tough shit, he doesn’t own the property and I pay to live here too. He mumbles something under his drunk breath. I yell to him that I didn’t appreciate him mowing over the bulbs when half of them hadn’t bloomed yet.

So, I’m standing there fuming and I decide to let my temper get the best of me for once. I pulled up every fucking flower in his garden (there were only 3 plants) and threw them in the trash. Fuck him. I was so mad.

Later that evening, I was in my office on the computer when I hear Inbred Nephew yelling up at my window. I didn’t even know he was there. I couldn’t understand what the drunk bastard was saying, but I had reached my limit with these assholes. I went to the window and addressed Mullet Man. I asked him that he can either get his nephew to shut up or I’m calling our landlady and/or the police. I told him I’m sick of being harassed by the inbreed. To my utter joy, they left me alone for the rest of the evening. I’m still going to mention all of this to my landlady when I go pay the rent on Tuesday. I can’t spend another summer hiding from that nephew. Not at my own house.

That was the most of my excitement yesterday. I spent the rest of the night drinking tea and watching movies. I watched Secretary and I still think that first spanking scene is fucking hot. I’d link to it, but I can’t find the clip anywhere. I have had a crush on James Spader since the 80’s. Yeah, he was hot.

Today has been another boring, lazy day. I spend the whole morning on the porch. It was a gorgeous morning. Stella was enjoying herself in the sun. I updated Coquettishly, so go there if that’s your thing. I was going through boxes yesterday during my cleaning spree and found my ex-boyfriend’s scanner (the ex that stole all of my money). I thought he took that with him. It’s a really nice scanner and I spent the morning looking online looking for a driver for it. I was successful and now I have a scanner. Now, I can share adorable pictures like the one below with you all.


My sister and the baby. How beautiful is this picture?

I have two new television obsessions. Survivorman is awesome. I can’t believe how nuts this guy is. And this next television obsession is embarrassing…it’s The Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. I have never seen such a fucking mess in my life. Do people really behave like this? I hurt myself laughing at the women. Oh, shows like this make me feel like a goddess.

I hope you all don’t mind, but I’ve decided to write a two PayPerPost posts a week to make extra money. I’m going to find things that go along with what I usually talk about. I need to make extra money and I don’t have time or energy to get a part-time job. My current job keeps me insanely busy and up until a year ago, I worked a weekend job and I don’t want to go back to working 7 days a week. So, unless you want to send me money for being cute you’ll have to put up with a few of these posts a couple times a week.

That’s all I got for now. I hope you all had a great weekend!

UPDATE: PayPerPost has rejected my blog because I use excessive profanity. It’s funny but the others blogs that do this use the word fuck just as much as I do. Hmmm, that’s irritating. It could be a good thing they rejected me, because I was rethinking writing posts for them anyhow. I’m not sure if I want to whore this blog out like that. I suppose they made the decision for me. I wonder if they reject blogs for being excessively boring. They should.

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