Archive for the ‘I’m a dumbass’ Category

Dumbass moment #15903

For those of you who don’t know, I work in some kind of publishing.

This morning I received an email from an author asking me to confirm receipt of his faxed corrections to his article. I wrote him back saying that I did indeed receive his corrections. I hit send and then my spell-check came up. It wanted to correct the author’s name, which was French. My fingers were quicker than my mind and instead of hitting ‘ignore’, I hit ‘change’.

I immediately went to my ‘Sent Items’ folder to see what the hell his named was changed to and when I did see it, dread filled my bones. It changed his name from Dr. Jxxxx to Dr. Juicier. Yup, Dr. Juicer. Not just juicy, but juicier.


I went up to the “Recall Message” option and recalled the message. This rarely works, but I was hoping that in this case it would. That’s all I needed was to have an author insulted that I misspelled his name or, even worse, think I was being disrespectful. I corrected his name and then resent my email.

The day went on and I totally forgot about the email. I was busy and at around 12 PM I saw an email come through that read…”I have been called Dr. Sweetheart. I have been called Dr. Love, but really Dr. Juicier is the first time!”

I started laughing and wrote, “I’m so sorry about that. My spell-check changed your name before I noticed. I hope you laughed!”

Thankfully he said, “Out loud! Cheers.”

I’m so glad this went well, so many times doctors have no sense of humor.

And with that…tonight I’m watching sappy romance movies, feeling sorry for myself, and going to bed early with a book. I live a wild life. Fuck yeah.

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Today, something happened that I never thought was ever happen in my life. Something that is extremely embarrassing and frustrating. Something that resulted in my lack of attention, my laziness, and my exhaustion (both mental and physical).

My car ran out of gas.

I’ve been so freakin busy with work, depositions and arbitration’s for my lawsuit, pregnant sisters, sick aunts, the holidays, and everyday life….I neglected to realize that my car was low on gas.

I turned the car on and it shook horribly. I got about 30 feet from my parking space when it just sputtered and died. I had to call my step-dad, who went to and got gas. After my car started, he shook his head in amazement at my retardedness.

Oh, and the other twin is pregnant. So, both of my little sisters are pregnant. I don’t even know what to think. One is 6 months (she’s doing well and I’m genuinely happy for her) and the other (the one who is 80 pounds and has been doing crack and heroine up until very recently, or still doing it…who knows) is 8 weeks.

Anyhow…I’m done for a couple days. I’m having my mom and step-dad for dinner tomorrow. It will be a middle eastern feast. At least, I’m trying to make it a middle eastern feast. And then, I get to spend a few days to myself. I can’t fucking wait.


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Retarded moment #2845

Yesterday the woman who sits next to me at work sent me a link to an advertisement for Target. You know, the store.

I was sitting there looking at this ad when I think to myself, “I like how simple the Target logo is.” Immediately after thinking this, a magical fluorescent lightbulb goes off in my head and I say to myself, “Oh, their logo is a bull’s eye (ie, target).”

And then I realize that people all over the universe probably already know this. A genius I am not.

So, I tell my cube mates and they laugh. It was definitely a dumbass moment.

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La Tee Da

I actually have nothing to write. Nothing. Nope. Nada. Zilch. Work has been a bit hectic and I’m altogether pooped. So pooped in fact, that I fucked up transferring funds online this evening.

I wanted to transfer $200 from my savings to my checking and accidently transferred the money from my checking (which didn’t have that much money) to my credit card. I called the bank customer service, but alas there was nothing they could do. Luckily, I have overdraft protection and have enough in my savings to cover it. But seriously. I know I’m not totally fucked, but part of that money was my cash or the next 2 weeks. You can’t use your credit card everywhere. I hate when my budget gets messed up. Especially because of my own stupidity.


That’s all I have to say and I’ll say it again.


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I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I opened my laptop and my brain just went blank. Blank. Blankety blank blank blank.

I’m letting you all down, but I have nothing.

Here’s a video

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I went grocery shopping last night after work. When I parked my car I had to pee so fucking bad that I ran, got my cart, and dashed to the ladies room or what I thought was the ladies room that turned out to really be the ladies room. I was just as confused as you are.

Me (barrelling through the door and seeing guy drying his hands): Oh shit, this isn’t the ladies room!

I turn to leave.

Guy drying off hands yells: Yes it is.

Frowning, I walk in and realize the he is a she: Oh, it is.

Sheman: Yes. I’m in here aren’t I?

Me, thinking FUUUUUCKKKKK she knows I thought she was a man: Well of course you are, I wasn’t paying attention to the doors when I walked in.

Sheman: I’m not a man.

Me blinking: Okay.

I think I had to pee too bad to feel any remorse. And she did look like a dude. With a dutchboy haircut. And she needed moisturizer. And mascara. Fuck, she needed a dick.

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By the way….UPDATED!

I had over 600 hits so far today and only 5 comments about this blog’s second anniversary. I think that’s fucking ridiculous. I know who has been here and many many many of my regular readers made an appearance and no word. Thanks for the support. Really, makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

To those of you just clicking over to here today (and reading this temper tantrum)and to those of you who commented…thank you for taking a moment to celebrate with me. I really do appreciate each and every comment.

The new post for today is below.


UPDATE: Okay, so I was a cranky pants last night. I wasn’t feel much love from you all. So, I had a tantrum. Sorry. You know I love you guys. I have my grown-up pants on today.

Thanks for your patience.

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I don’t even remember writing that post last night. I don’t even like phone sex. I don’t even own any porn.

One and a half bottles of wine. That will fuck you up.

If I wrote any drunk comments on anyone’s blog, I’m sorry.

Have a fun Saturday.

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Okay, I know I’ve been a slacker with commenting on blogs or answering the comments on here. You’ll just have to forgive me. I’ve been distracted.

I’m better today. I did have a headache almost all day, but it’s gone and I’m cool. I just mentally double Donkey Kong punched all of the fuckers in my life and it’s amazing. They should write books on this kind of mental exercise. None of that peace and love shit. Just mentally beat the shit out of the losers and fucktards in your life. I felt energized.

I have more bad news. It’s not really new bad news, as I’ve known for a few weeks. I have permanent eye damage in my left eye. I can see, but there’s a big spot that the doctor told me would be there forever. FOOOORRRRRRRREVVVVVVEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

Don’t feel bad for me. At least I can see out of the eye.

I am going to hold my radio show this Wednesday. I’ll be doing it from TN and I will most likely be drunk, so you should really tune in. If you think my drunk posting is hysterical, yeah….I’m better live.

Now, I got an award from Just a Girl. I’m not sure if I deserve it, cause I’m not always nice. You know, you need to sometimes be a bit mean to get through in life. People are like rabid dogs and will sniff and attack someone who hasn’t marked their boundaries. Weird analogy, yes. Here’s my award.

Now, I have to list 5 other nice bloggers. Here it goes…

  1. Fleas Thoughts: She sent me postcards from her super cool vacation. I have all of them hanging up in my office. I love postcards. She didn’t just send postcards to me, but to anyone who asked. How nice is that!
  2. Dee: I work with Dee, so she knows first hand some of the retarded things that happen at my job. She has also witnessed the Comfortable Shitter doing her thang whilst gabbing on her cell phone. Yeah. Let that one sink in. Anyhow, Dee puts up with my blabbing her ear off at whatever and I appreciate it.
  3. Yllwdaisies: Cause she’s been one of my readers since the very baby steps of this blog and is still reading. And because I always learn something from her blog. She’s the shit.
  4. B: I believe she might be my complete opposite. And yet, I think we have a lot more in common than you’d think. You just have to look deep enough.
  5. Steph: Okay, this woman has a gazillion readers and comments (I’m not joking, go over there and look) and yet she ANSWERS EVERY COMMENT MADE. I’m awestruck by her. I love her and I believe she is my Aussie sister. Seriously, I read her stories and say at least 10 times….”Yup, this is me.”

That’s all. Remember to volunteer to guest post. All three blogs (Fresh Air Lover, Coquettishly, and The Home Cook) are open to posts.

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