Archive for the ‘I’m a dumbass’ Category

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Oh my god!!!

I reread my previous post and realized that it sounded like I was bitching about people not giving me a thank you for the ego strokes and that’s not what I meant. I complimented a friend for no reason the other day and got nothing in response. Nothing. That’s what I meant. I’m giving the ego strokes to show my love for you all.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone.

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I was going to tell you all about my Christmas tonight, but I have a raging migraine and I feel like I’m going to die. Stay tuned. I promise you’ll get the whole story tomorrow.

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Last night, around 3AM, I woke up from a nightmare. I was climbing up a fire escape away from a group of zombies who were trying to eat me alive. I kept climbing and climbing and finally, just as one was ready to bite my foot off…..I woke up.

I was so messed up by how realistic this dream was that I went onto the porch to make sure there were no zombies in the street. I turned the TV on to verify that the zombies weren’t on their way to the suburbs after eating everyone in the city. Still scared, I went online to make sure that the zombies weren’t in Canada or something. I was really scared. I looked out my bedroom window onto the street and was finally convinced that it was safe enough to sleep.

I haven’t seen a zombie movie since Halloween. It’s okay to laugh at me. I just laughed so hard I was crying writing about last night. I’m seriously retarded.

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I just wanted to say sorry to everyone who received a drunk comment from me last night. I’m trying to remember who all received a comment. I should not be allowed near the computer after drinking. I do remember speaking with some of you over the phone last night, although I can’t honestly say I remember everything I said.

Well, I going back to my couch and try to shake my hangover.


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Let’s see, what’s been happening with me.

Yesterday was the crappy day. I carpool with my mom and woke up to my cell ringing. I answer it and she’s yelling, “Where the hell are you?” and I look at the clock and say, “Oh no, my alarm didn’t go off. I’ll be there in five minutes.” I hate driving and wasn’t about to drive myself to the train. I peed, wiped my face off with a wet washcloth, put on dirty jeans and a dirty shirt, grabbed my sneakers and a pair of socks, threw food in Stella’s bowl, and ran out of the door. Got to the CVS parking lot and trotted across in my bare feet with no coat and hair all over the place. My mother was laughing so hard she was crying. I got into the car and tried to make my hair somewhat okay by licking my palm to smooth it. It didn’t work. I have curly hair and it gets nuts when I sleep on it. I put it in a ponytail and that’s where it stayed. I got to work and realized I looked like a zombie, so I put some blush on. I couldn’t care less about the puffy eyes or dark circles. I need coffee. Bad. I got a giant coffee and opened my email to 71 messages of pure hell and people messing up my perfect organized system. Organization has become much more important to me, as I’m now working on 3 monthly publications that range from 180-200 pages each.

My sister is having a boy. My dad cried. My mom is really excited. Now she wants a grand-daughter. I was told that it’s up to me to provide one for her. I kindly informed her that it would probably help if I was in some sort of stable relationship with someone who wanted kids and wasn’t a prick. She told me that I might be onto something. I told her she might be on something. We had a nice chuckle.

My company’s Christmas party is this afternoon. Last year it was held at a really shitty venue. They didn’t have enough food and the drinks sucked. The year before I witnessed two inappropriate hook-ups between co-workers, one of which involved dry humping against a wall and lots of sloppy making out (I couldn’t stop staring) and then after the party we went to a colleagues house for more drinking and ended up watching two co-workers wrestle each other naked. They were male co-workers. They were very hairy. Three years ago, I was so drunk I pissed myself walking across the parking lot of the train station. So, stay tuned for more fun stories. Who knows what could happen. The party is back at our normal place this year. I blew out my hair for this party, so something good better happen.

I was tagged for the first time in the history of my blog by Jessica. Here it is.

According to the rules. Each player of this game lists 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write a blog post of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. When I go to people’s houses, I have to look in their refrigerator. Every time. I do this without thinking. Most of the time, I don’t even want anything from the frig. I’m just nosy.

2. I can’t go to sleep at night unless everything is straightened up and all of the dishes are washed. That means the pillows on the couch have to be fixed, the throw folded, and etc…

3. I always drink a huge glass of whole milk in the morning right when I wake up. I’ve been doing this since I was a little girl. I must do this before I have coffee or breakfast.

4. Unless I’m working out, I don’t ever leave my house in any kind of sweatpants, yoga pants, knit gaucho pants, fleece pants, etc. I will put on a pair of jeans to go to the store or anywhere for that matter.

5. I’m obsessive about my skin care and have been taking special care of my skin, especially the skin on my face, since I was 16 years old. I have never slept with makeup on. I could be shitfaced drunk and still wash my face thoroughly (wash, tone, eye cream, moisturize) before passing out. I have no wrinkles, no ruddiness or redness, no pimples (I might get one once every 6 months or so), no roughness. My skin is baby soft as a result of this and if I have any say, it’s always going to be like this.

6. I hate driving. Anywhere. For any reason. I will sweet talk you until you agree to pick me up. I’ll even give you gas money. Shit, if you’re my boyfriend I’ll even offer to give you a blowjob while you’re driving as long as you pick me up at my house. I really hate it.

I have no idea who to tag, so I won’t tag anyone. If you want to do this, then go ahead.

Now onto my stroking:

Diary of the Nello: She was one of my first readers. She’s hysterical. And she has two of the cutest kids in the world. She hasn’t been posting much, but she’s worth checking out. She also designs websites and such. Shextremelyemly talented.

Dim City: He is hysterical. His post about MySpace is one of the best things I’ve ever read in the blogworld. He’s a great writer and has great perspective. Go check him out.

Edtime Stories: Oh, erotic stories that will make you squirm in your seat. Check his site out and I promise you’ll enjoy it.

More stroking will come next Friday.

Enjoy your weekend and lots of hugs and kisses.

Oh, and go vote for HDW at Green Apple Martini for Weblog Award for Best Diarist. She is a sweetheart and deserves it.

UPDATED: Four gasses of wine adn 5 shots of grey goose vokda.a I’m fuked. I \ca’t freel my feet. my jommom had to drive me home becauaee I’m not lable. No hoodkups. No whatever. I danced mmy ass off. Eveyroel loved my hair becuae they couldj’t get over how straight hit was and how long it is. Where the hell ws judy? I broke it down when the bpklayed PYT by micheale jackxon. Yes, peo;ple i can dance lieka motherfucker. i gottta go because i feel liek it’m boihng to jpuke. I’m going to go tto bed now. bye;ee.

UPDATED: \Drink more or sober up? Thjat’s the queistion.

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I’ve got problems

Today, whilst riding the train home I thought about the movie Bring It On and the scene where the new choreographer says to the squad, “Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded.” Well, for some reason I found the quote the funniest thing ever muttered. I started giggling, then the tears started coming from trying to hold in the laugher, and then I just didn’t care and started guffawing. People were looking at me like I was nuts and I think that I might be.

By the way, still laughing about that line. Still funny. Still nuts.

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Stupid stupid

I did something really stupid tonight. I was supposed to go out with some friends, but my body is killing me from raking leaves and I spent the whole morning walking through the mall. I also went for a run this afternoon and that wasn’t a good idea. My legs are hurting me so bad. I’ve been a lump on my couch all night.

Anyhow, I flipped through the channel guide and saw a scary movie I thought would be interesting called When A Stranger Calls. I sit back and watch the movie. As I do, my stomach starts hurting really bad. I immediately got petrified and locked my doors and window and now I’m stalking my window again because I’m afraid again. Fucking movie. I know I will get no sleep tonight. I know that no one is out there, but fuck. I can’t stop checking. Again. Everything emotion I felt during my “stalking incident” came back and now I’m trying to catch my breath. I’m never going to be able to watch a scary movie like that again. I’ll watch unrealistic horror films if I watch any.

I’m going to have a drink or two and am putting the Little Mermaid in the DVD player right now. I need happy thoughts and the song “Kiss the Girl”.

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Time to stand still…

I don’t think I’m interested in dating right now. I thought about that coffee thingy I had yesterday and even though P was quite nice, I know I’m not ready. I have another date lined up for Friday with someone else and I think I’m going to cancel. Dating is fun and I love meeting new people, but I find the thought of going through all of this to be exhausting. And exhausting isn’t fun.

I want something or someone that I haven’t met yet. I’ll know him when I see him. I know that sounds strange, but that’s how I’m thinking.

Do you ever feel like you need to purge? Emailing Neil while I was drunk last weekend told me volumes about myself. Am I really over him and that mess? No, I don’t think so…at least not the way I’d like to be. I wasn’t allowed to make peace with that relationship before being swept up into something else. And then something else.

Even though it would be fun for everyone to read about my escapades, you’ll have to wait a little longer. I also don’t think I would have sex with Neil should he bring it up. And even though I really need to get laid, I’m definitely not interested in casual sex. I did enough of that in my early twenties and it’s empty. It makes you wither away inside.

Sorry for the heavy shit lately. Sometimes you need these moments in life though. These reflective periods. Luckily, I do snap out of them.

Something funny for the masses…

I peed all over my bathroom floor this afternoon. I got home from work and had to pee like a motherfucker. So, I rushed into the bathroom and had my pants and panties down before I sat down. But I forgot to lift the lid. Yup. I pissed out half my bladder before lifting up the lid to finish. What a fucking mess!!! That’s me…Pissy Pants.

Oh, the show Heroes is fucking awesome.

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Um, I did something really stupid this weekend and didn’t think anything would come of it. Well…something came of it and now I’m intrigued. And strangely excited about it. And really angry at myself.

I hope it’s a false alarm. But not really. I’m not really sure what I think.

More on this later.

Do you know what I hate? When people talk to me when I’m eating. I sometimes eat lunch at my desk and while I’m eating I don’t want to be bothered. But it seems like every time lift my fork for my first bite, someone comes over to my desk and starts bothering me. AHHHH. By the time I’m finished talking my lunch is cold. It’s pissing me off.

I came home from work this evening to find my niece and nephew downstairs at my neighbors (the woman downstairs is their grandmother). They both run up to me to say hi. I pick Connor up and give him a huge hug. Nothing feels better than a child hugging you really tight. Oh, he’s a little meatball too. Morgan was sitting on my steps talking to me. Their grandmother came around to talk to me. So, we’re all talking and goofing off when I see Inbred Nephew walking around the corner of the house. He comes over to us and just stands there staring at me. Then all of a sudden, Inbred leans over and tried to take Connor out of my arms. Connor grabs my neck and starts crying. I yell at Inbred and tell him to go away. I had to walk away because I couldn’t curse in front of the kids, but I really wanted to lay into him like nobody’s business.

Deep breath.

I went out with my mother and bought my sister 4 maternity outfits. I’m so excited for her to see them. She’s starting to show and I think she’ll look adorable in those outfits.

Thank you all for your kinds words about the story. I was a little nervous putting it out there like that since I really don’t share my fiction writing with anyone, but I found everything you all said very encouraging. The next installment should be ready next week.

I joined MySpace. I am weak. I know it. I have 5 friends. Some people have hundreds, but I’m really picky. By the way, I’ve already had 17 friend requests and 95% have come from little 20 year old boys wanting a date. First of all, I didn’t even say I was looking for dates on there, just friends. That’s it. Second of all, why the fuck do I attract little kids. Third of all, hey little boys who think I’ll be interested in them–you’re not ready for a woman like me. I’m just not the type of girl you practice on. Go bother somebody stupid. I forgot how entertaining this shit was.

All I have left to say is….Eh. I’m tired. I’m bleeding. I’m bloated. I’m achy. I’m going to bed.

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