Archive for the ‘I’m so nice’ Category

How has everyone been? I’m sleepy today. I am fantasizing about going to sleep. I want nothing more than to put my jammies on and curl up on the couch when I get home. But I can’t.

Why, you ask?

I have a date tonight. Yup. Another setup. Now, before you go lecturing me about how I should have learned my lesson by now about these bullshit setups let me explain something. I’m doing this as a favor for a friend of the family. I was begged to do it. Apparently, I’d be perfect for So’n’so’s son. The date is at 7, so no naps for me. I’m wearing pants and I’m not shaving my pits or my legs. That’s how much I care about this date.

What else has been going on?

Fuck if I know. It’s been boring around here.

I took my nipple ring out the other night. It got caught in the lace of my bra a few weeks ago and never recovered. I was tired of having a sore nipple for no reason. This is the same reason why I took the other one out last year. Oh well, they were fun for while.

I gave blood yesterday. Here are some pictures of my arm because I know you want to see my wound.

My arm right after, covered in iodine.

My arm right now. The little red dot is where they stuck me. Do you like the bruising? My arm is killing me today. I’ve never had pain after giving blood before. It sucks.

They now take the blood in a Red Cross bus. It was strange. I filled the bag of blood in 5 minutes. I shit you not. The nurse was also impressed by the amount of iron in my blood. The drop sank down to the bottom like a weight. She asked me what I eat because whatever I’m doing I need to keep up. I told her I eat lots of greens. She laughed.

Speaking of greens, it bothers me that people say they don’t eat any vegetables. I don’t understand this. I had dinner with a few friends last night and they declared that they don’t do veggies. Do they understand how bad that is. I eat shitloads of veggies everyday. And I may not be the skinniest person in the world, but I’m super healthy. My bloodwork and blood pressure are always perfect. I poop twice a day with no issues. I have great skin and hair. My nails grow like weeds and are strong. I might get 2 pimples a year and they are never more than little tiny bumps. Those few people I know who don’t eat veggies are a freakin mess. They have poop issues. And bad skin. They have brittle hair. I call them “skinny fat”. They might be really skinny, but they are unhealthy. Our bodies need the vitamins and minerals that veggies provide.

I know I know, I just told you all way too much about my poop. Sorry.

I think I might be obsessed with poop. Not in a sexual way (for all of the freaks and assholes who are reading this or searching for people obsessed with poop), but I really think that you can tell a lot about a person from the regularity of their bowel movements. I’m the shit psychic.

Okay, enough of that. I’m being silly.

My sister is having the baby, maybe, on Tuesday. It’s almost a sure thing, they just have to do one more test. I’ll have another little stinky. They’re naming him Colin. I like that name. I will definitely have pictures.

And now, please excuse me for a moment. I have something I need to say to a certain group of people out there. This letter will come across as cocky, conceited, and arrogant but I don’t care. I’m reached my limit. I need to get this out and vent.

Dear Weirdo male lurkers,

You never comment on here. You don’t even have a blog. Yet, you feel you need to email me with annoying pictures of your cocks or email me to tell me how much you hate me or, the latest and most annoying, you email me to let me know that you live in DC or Philly or NYC and that we should fuck. Some of you offer to end my dry spell like you’re doing me some huge favor. Seriously? I don’t know you. Why would you think I’d fuck some guy I didn’t know? You gonna pay me? Then don’t flatter yourselves.

Really. If I wanted to end my dry spell, I could anytime I wanted. Trust me on this. Not only that, I’m also too good for you. You aren’t worthy of my fucking gifted, no….prodigal way of fucking. I would make you cry for your mother, for your god even. Don’t doubt that. Okay? I would ruin masturbation for you, I’m that good. If there is anything in this world that I’m 100% sure of, it’s that I am brilliant when it comes to sex. So, why would I grant this gift to you? Even if these emails are a joke (even though I don’t think this is so), it’s wasting my time. Leave me alone.

I’m tired of being harassed and insulted. I’m tired of the strange, somewhat scary, emails. It’s not my problem that your life is filled with mediocrity, so stop emailing me desparate pleas for my company and affection. You’re pissing me off. I don’t think it’s fair that I should feel I have to look over my shoulder everywhere I go because of something you wrote to me.

The kid gloves are off. If you email me again with this bullshit, I will publish the email address and let them at you. I’m done with this.

Best wishes and get some therapy,
And now we’re going to stroke.

To Do: 1. Get Hobby 2. Floss: I wish I could be this funny. Really, I do. She’s hilarious. And a great writer. This is one example of how fucking funny she is.

Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore: His life should be a sitcom. He makes me laugh, deep from the belly. The posts about his mother have me peeing myself. Hilarious. Go over. I don’t have one post to point out because it’s all good.

Wait….I’ll Think of Something: This is Katrice. She’s smart, funny, relevant, and charming. Her posts are a nice mix of current events, life stories, and random thoughts. I like her. She’s good people. I love her blog. Go over and read.

Water Water Everywhere: An American in Ireland. Pog is very literary. She’s smart. She’s a good writer. She doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass. She’s got her funny moments. She’s worth a look.

Weekends Off: I can always count on this blog to give me something good to read. Between the people at her job and the evil ex-husband’s wife and the crazy antics, I crack up. Often. Go check her out and be hypnotized by her flashing butt.

Stay tuned for the final stroke next week.

Have a great weekend and please wish me luck on this date. I’m gonna need it.

UPDATE: I’m home from the date. Woo hoo! It went pretty well. He didn’t do anything nuts or say inappropriate things. He was good looking, but not overly so. We only had dinner and drinks because I’m exhausted. Throughout the date, my mother kept calling me because my sister started bleeding again and we were afraid they would perform the C-section tonight. They’re just going to monitor her for now. My date was very patient and considerate about all of this. I felt horribly rude talking on the phone with him there. The night ended in the parking lot of the restuarant with a kiss. He asked me if he could which was very polite. The kiss ruined the whole date though. It was bad. Not one redeeming thing about it. The man is 35, so he should know how to kiss. Am I wrong that the lack of kissing skills bothers me? It turned me off completely. At least the date wasn’t a complete nightmare and this gives me hope.

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