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Archive for the ‘Inbred nephew’ Category

I woke up from a dream this morning that had me aroused and so deeply content, I tried to hold on to it for as long as I could. But, Stella jumped up on the bed and was meowing in my ear to be fed. It sucked to break myself off from the dream. It felt like I met my soul mate in the dream and we made love for hours. The most peaceful dream I’ve had in a long time.

This weekend I accomplished exactly what I wanted to….nothing. I hardly got dressed on Friday. I read all day and watched a few movies. I watched Pride and Prejudice, and I forgot how much I love Mr. Darcy. Oh real life Mr. Darcy, where are you? I ordered a pizza and didn’t care how busted I looked when I went to the door for the delivery man. I saw myself in the mirror that night and laughed.

Saturday, I woke up early and watched some Food Network. I worked out and decided my bathroom needed to be torn apart and cleaned. That’s what boredom does to me. I tear everything apart and realize it’s time for a new shower liner. It was a nice day, so I walked to the store. When I came back I notice something that had me so pissed, I lost my temper. All of my bulbs, daffodils/tulips, were mowed over. Mullet Man has no respect for anything. He has also moved my trashcans again. I throw the bag on my steps and move my trashcans back to where I want them. He comes around the house and says he doesn’t want them there. I tell him that’s tough shit, he doesn’t own the property and I pay to live here too. He mumbles something under his drunk breath. I yell to him that I didn’t appreciate him mowing over the bulbs when half of them hadn’t bloomed yet.

So, I’m standing there fuming and I decide to let my temper get the best of me for once. I pulled up every fucking flower in his garden (there were only 3 plants) and threw them in the trash. Fuck him. I was so mad.

Later that evening, I was in my office on the computer when I hear Inbred Nephew yelling up at my window. I didn’t even know he was there. I couldn’t understand what the drunk bastard was saying, but I had reached my limit with these assholes. I went to the window and addressed Mullet Man. I asked him that he can either get his nephew to shut up or I’m calling our landlady and/or the police. I told him I’m sick of being harassed by the inbreed. To my utter joy, they left me alone for the rest of the evening. I’m still going to mention all of this to my landlady when I go pay the rent on Tuesday. I can’t spend another summer hiding from that nephew. Not at my own house.

That was the most of my excitement yesterday. I spent the rest of the night drinking tea and watching movies. I watched Secretary and I still think that first spanking scene is fucking hot. I’d link to it, but I can’t find the clip anywhere. I have had a crush on James Spader since the 80’s. Yeah, he was hot.

Today has been another boring, lazy day. I spend the whole morning on the porch. It was a gorgeous morning. Stella was enjoying herself in the sun. I updated Coquettishly, so go there if that’s your thing. I was going through boxes yesterday during my cleaning spree and found my ex-boyfriend’s scanner (the ex that stole all of my money). I thought he took that with him. It’s a really nice scanner and I spent the morning looking online looking for a driver for it. I was successful and now I have a scanner. Now, I can share adorable pictures like the one below with you all.


My sister and the baby. How beautiful is this picture?

I have two new television obsessions. Survivorman is awesome. I can’t believe how nuts this guy is. And this next television obsession is embarrassing…it’s The Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. I have never seen such a fucking mess in my life. Do people really behave like this? I hurt myself laughing at the women. Oh, shows like this make me feel like a goddess.

I hope you all don’t mind, but I’ve decided to write a two PayPerPost posts a week to make extra money. I’m going to find things that go along with what I usually talk about. I need to make extra money and I don’t have time or energy to get a part-time job. My current job keeps me insanely busy and up until a year ago, I worked a weekend job and I don’t want to go back to working 7 days a week. So, unless you want to send me money for being cute you’ll have to put up with a few of these posts a couple times a week.

That’s all I got for now. I hope you all had a great weekend!

UPDATE: PayPerPost has rejected my blog because I use excessive profanity. It’s funny but the others blogs that do this use the word fuck just as much as I do. Hmmm, that’s irritating. It could be a good thing they rejected me, because I was rethinking writing posts for them anyhow. I’m not sure if I want to whore this blog out like that. I suppose they made the decision for me. I wonder if they reject blogs for being excessively boring. They should.

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I can’t believe how boring my life is at the moment. I know I have the power to change that, but to be honest I don’t feel like it. This time of year always gets to me. Look back in my archives and you’ll see. Cabin fever. I can’t wait for the spring. I can’t wait to sleep with the windows open and to spend my evenings on my porch breathing the fresh air and listening to nature.

Until then, I’m bored pissy pants. Deal with it.

It’s also been many many months since I’ve had sex and you all know how that gets to me. Especially since I went off of the birth control pill. I’m a dog in heat. And surly dog in heat. I was at the grocery store the other night and saw a lovey dovey couple and I had to fight the urge to drive my shopping cart into their smug asses. I held back though. I just put a mean look on my face and finished my shopping trip.

They say that the grocery store is one of the best places to meet single men and I’d like to know who the fuck they are and where the fuck they’re shopping. Cause all I see are couples, mothers, and other women. So, if you’re a normal, intelligent man with a good sense of humor and conversation skills living in South Jersey, can you please start grocery shopping in the early evening so that I can improve my chances of getting laid soon. It’s for the greater good. You’ll be helping the world.

Who am I kidding, I can have sex anytime I want. Any woman can. It’s an exhausting thought. Not because of all the fucking (yes, eventually that would be tiring), but because I find casual sex to be exhausting in every way possible. I suppose this is called ‘growing up’. I used to be good at the whole unemotional sex thing. It sucks.

***
I was a busy bee yesterday. I did laundry and gutted my office. The office project took over two hours and required me to move some heavy furniture. One piece was a desk, which was one of the lighter pieces, that I wanted to put in my garage. I get it down my steps and across the yard, and guess who is standing right in front of my garage…..Inbred Nephew.

I haven’t seen this fucker in quite a few months and have kind of forgotten about him. If you want to know more about him, click the post label and you can read what kind of piece of shit this guy is.

I walk past him and get the garage door open without him uttering a word. As I’m walking out of the garage he steps in my way and looks me up and down. I ignore him and shut the door. I turn around to go back upstairs and he says, “I forgot how sweet your ass was.” Ew. I continued ignoring him and he says, “I’ll get you one day, mark my words.” I stop and turn to him and ask him, “Did you want me to pass that onto my dad? I’m sure he’d be very interested in someone threatening his daughter.” Inbred calls me a bitch.

He has no idea how big a bitch I can be.

I called my landlady when I got upstairs and told her that Mullet Neighbor’s nephew continues to harass and threaten me, even after I’ve told Mullet and his girlfriend. My landlady ensures me that she will have a talk with them about their guests harassing me. She says that I should feel safe in my own home and in my own yard. Damn right.

***
Let’s talk about my sister and her situation. My mother spent the week with my sister to help her with the baby. I can’t remember the last time my mother spent significant time alone with my sister. It’s been years. I was happy for them to have the opportunity to bond again, as mother and daughter and also as mothers. My sister needs support and love right now.

I can hear in her voice that she hasn’t dealt with spending two months in the hospital worrying about this baby and the traumatic delivery she had with Colin. But, unfortunately I don’t think she’ll get the chance to heal because of that asshole piece of shit she calls a husband. Even with my mother there, he was a total jerk. He’s immature, insensitive, selfish, ignorant, and mean. He’s thinks everything is a joke and has no respect for anyone.

My mom said that he expected a huge meal cooked for him every night, like Sunday dinner big. He didn’t help my sister at all. He didn’t listen when he did try to help. For instance, he wouldn’t accept the fact that he needed to burp the baby after each ounce the baby drank. He tried to give the baby a Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s for fuck’s sake. My mom said she almost lost her shit on him when he did that.

What 30 year old man, who has primary custody of his other son, would give a newborn some milkshake? What a stupid, asinine, obnoxious thing to do. And then to laugh when my mom told him to get away from the baby. He thinks everything is a joke.

My mom left my sister today and Michelle (that’s my sister’s name) called me crying because she didn’t want my mom to leave. She said that she doesn’t know how long she can last with her husband. She said that if things don’t change and change soon, she’s coming home. Apparently, my mom told her that if she needed to leave Michelle could stay with my mom and stepdad until she got herself on her feet. My dad has said the same thing about her staying with him. I’ve even offered to convert my office into a nursery and let my sister move in with me, if it came to that.

I want her to leave her husband. There, I said it. I’m so worried about her being up there alone with him. I can’t even articulate accurate how scared I am. I called her friend, Hope, and asked her to keep an eye on my Michelle. I have asked my sister to call me every day. I’ve had stomach aches all day.

I spoke with my mom and she’s worried too. But, my sister is the one that needs to make the decision to leave her husband. We can’t force her to do anything. All we can do is be there for her and support whatever decision she makes.

But if he hurts her or that baby, I will hurt him in a way that he will remember every second of every day for the rest of his miserable life. I’m dead serious.

***

I’ll leave you all with a moment of Debbie dorkiness. I’ve been re-reading the Harry Potter books and the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that Harry is indeed a Horcrux. The only confusing part of this is this, why would Voltemort want to kill him if Harry was a Horcrux as destroying the Horcrux destroys the piece of soul hidden in it. Hmmm, and we thought these books were simple children’s books.

And I promise to post more. I’ve gotten several emails about my lack of posting the past couple of weeks, which I find weird but whatever. As long as you all don’t mind posts about my mundane life, I’ll post more. Besides, it’s been a long time since I’ve had a good rant. Brace yourselves.

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Did I get your attention? Well, it’s Saturday night and I’m home trying to work on a paper for one of my classes. Yes, it’s on S&M and bondage and the societal reactions to this sexual practice. I’m focusing on the attitudes in the Victorian period up until present day. It’s an amazingly interesting subject and I love researching it, but I freakin’ hate due dates and obligations. They weigh on me. I’m almost finished the paper. It’s not due for another two weeks, but it will take me forever to edit it because I’m super anal when it comes to the editing process. That’s why I’m good at my job. I may put the excerpts of the paper on Coquettishly, but not the whole paper as it’s way too long. I wish I could say that the paper is an exciting read, but it’s purely academic. I’ll try to post the juicy parts and some of my own personal experiences with S&M and bondage. You all know that I’ve more than dabbled.

But, writing the paper has given me a good idea of what I’m going to be next year for Halloween. I’m going to be Bettie Page. In this outfit.

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So, now I need to get running and in better shape so that I don’t embarrass myself in this outfit. Because I’m dead serious out this as a Halloween costume.

I gave a guy named Dave my phone number yesterday. I know that I have the Pilot, but you all know that he isn’t forever so I have to keep myself open for other dates. I’m not getting any younger and I’d like to have at least one child before it’s too late. I’m starting to get the pangs. It’s like my uterus is having a fit because I haven’t let it do what it’s supposed to do. Anyhow, I sometimes wish things were different with the Pilot but I live in the real world and I fooled myself into thinking he wanted the same things that I did last time. I’m trying very hard to take our seeing each other for what it is and not read anything more into it. So, maybe this guy Dave is normal. If not, you all know that I’ll tell you everything.

Inbred nephew has been over all day. I was in my garage earlier today and he stood there looking at me like I was dinner. I ignored him, which was hard to do because I wanted to laugh my ass off. He asked me if I had any plans for tonight. I told him it was none of his business and he called me a bitch. Nice, huh? I responded with, “Oh, you have no idea….” and went home.

I spoke with my sister today and she and her husband plan to move back here by next summer. Currently, they’re living in Lancaster, PA and this whole pregnancy thing has made them realize how far away they are to both of their families. I’m excited to have my little sister back. I miss her sometimes and I know my mother does.

The old lady next door is trying to unload her friends 3 year old cat onto me. I’m not sure if I want another cat. Stella Marie is enough. She is still a little nutty and if her reaction to the neighbors cat a few weeks ago, getting another cat at this point is not a good idea. She’d tear the shit out of it.

Ah, I have to get back to my paper. Ugh.

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Um, I did something really stupid this weekend and didn’t think anything would come of it. Well…something came of it and now I’m intrigued. And strangely excited about it. And really angry at myself.

I hope it’s a false alarm. But not really. I’m not really sure what I think.

More on this later.

Do you know what I hate? When people talk to me when I’m eating. I sometimes eat lunch at my desk and while I’m eating I don’t want to be bothered. But it seems like every time lift my fork for my first bite, someone comes over to my desk and starts bothering me. AHHHH. By the time I’m finished talking my lunch is cold. It’s pissing me off.

I came home from work this evening to find my niece and nephew downstairs at my neighbors (the woman downstairs is their grandmother). They both run up to me to say hi. I pick Connor up and give him a huge hug. Nothing feels better than a child hugging you really tight. Oh, he’s a little meatball too. Morgan was sitting on my steps talking to me. Their grandmother came around to talk to me. So, we’re all talking and goofing off when I see Inbred Nephew walking around the corner of the house. He comes over to us and just stands there staring at me. Then all of a sudden, Inbred leans over and tried to take Connor out of my arms. Connor grabs my neck and starts crying. I yell at Inbred and tell him to go away. I had to walk away because I couldn’t curse in front of the kids, but I really wanted to lay into him like nobody’s business.

Deep breath.

I went out with my mother and bought my sister 4 maternity outfits. I’m so excited for her to see them. She’s starting to show and I think she’ll look adorable in those outfits.

Thank you all for your kinds words about the story. I was a little nervous putting it out there like that since I really don’t share my fiction writing with anyone, but I found everything you all said very encouraging. The next installment should be ready next week.

I joined MySpace. I am weak. I know it. I have 5 friends. Some people have hundreds, but I’m really picky. By the way, I’ve already had 17 friend requests and 95% have come from little 20 year old boys wanting a date. First of all, I didn’t even say I was looking for dates on there, just friends. That’s it. Second of all, why the fuck do I attract little kids. Third of all, hey little boys who think I’ll be interested in them–you’re not ready for a woman like me. I’m just not the type of girl you practice on. Go bother somebody stupid. I forgot how entertaining this shit was.

All I have left to say is….Eh. I’m tired. I’m bleeding. I’m bloated. I’m achy. I’m going to bed.

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I can’t believe this weekend is over. It seemed too short. I don’t want the work week to start.

Let’s see, what happened this weekend? Oh yes…

I went to a really bad outdoor concert on Friday night. It was at the community center in my hometown and I saw about 30 people I went to high school with. I only remembered one person’s name. I’m an asshole. About a dozen of my old classmates came up to me, saying they’d know my face anywhere and I couldn’t remember their names. I just stood there nodding and smiling and asking general questions.

The weirdest moment of the night was when a woman came up to me and asked me if I knew her. I said no and she said that the last time she saw me I was 11 years old (which made me wonder why the fuck she would think I’d remember her) and that she used to babysit me. I was still giving her my blank dumb stare until she explained who she was exactly. Let me break it down for you…she was 19 when she babysat me and she’s now 40 and she expects me to recognize her. Anyhow, she also told me that I have the same face as I did when I was a kid. Is this a good thing, having the same face? Well, I guess she needed someone to hang out with because she stayed at my table the whole night and at one point tried to get me to dance (Um, I just can’t dance to a bad band playing Fleetwood Mac). At one point she started dirty dancing and grinding herself into me to get me moving. I told her I just wanted to relax. But really, why would she think that grinding on me would get me in any other mood but the annoyed mood?

Yesterday I read and worked out and read and chilled out. I ordered my sister The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and What to Expect When You’re Expecting from Amazon as a surprise. The highlight of my day was when I went out in the backyard before working out to ask my downstairs neighbor (the woman) if she minded if I washed my laundry on Sunday and Inbred nephew says the following, “Are you losing weight? I mean, you weren’t that thick before but now you’re getting tight.” I don’t answer because he’s a moron and he continues, “I’ll work you out if you need some exercise” and then he stuck out his tongue and wagged his eyebrows like that was going to do it for me. I rolled my eyes and continued my conversation with the woman.

After working out I said hello to the old lady next door and her gentleman guest. I was sitting with me feet up on another chair when my downstairs neighbors dog came over for a treat. As the old lady was giving the dog a treat, Inbred came over to get the dog and says to me, “You’re teasing real nice with your legs up like that. I like it.” and walks away.

This is why I never go outside when he’s there. He’s followed me up the stairs of my apartment before, he’s knocked on my door, he’s yelled up from the yard when I’ve had the windows open. I guess they don’t make them like me at the trailer park. But, last night was over the line. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have someone say that in front of two old people? I want to run him over with my car.

Today wasn’t that interesting and but it did end with some inappropriate comments from an unlikely source. I did my Sunday thing of laundry and cleaning. After all of that, I was invited to dinner at the old lady’s house. I got there and we were drinking and having a great time. The old lady is a food pusher and chastised me for being full on my dinner. So, anyhow as I was getting ready to leave the old guy who’s staying with her says to me, “So does this mean I’m not getting a lapdance?” I laughed nervously and said, “No, not tonight.” The old lady says, “Stop teasing her.” And he says, “You mind your business, I’m not teasing her. I might die before I ever get a lapdance and I thought this young lady might oblige me.” I politely said that I had ironing to do and went home. I guess I didn’t need to be embarrassed the night before by what Inbred said in front of the oldies.

So, let me break the week down.

  • I get told that I have the ‘titty-fuck’ look by some obnoxious, voice like Marge Simpson’s sisters, bitch who I want to destroy with superpowers.
  • Apparently, my face looks the same as it did when I was 5.
  • My old babysitter, who I didn’t recognize and haven’t seen for 20 years, was grinding herself on me in an attempt to get me to dance to horrible music.
  • I’m told by Inbred that he’d work me out and that sitting with my feet up on a chair is a tease, with tongue out and an eyebrow wag.
  • A 79 year old man asks me for a lapdance and I’m pretty sure he was serious.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Needless to say that I’m staying in this week and next weekend. The fuckers can annoy the shit out of someone else.

I did hear a bit of good news this weekend and I won’t elaborate yet, but it gives me hope. And having a little hope isn’t a bad thing.

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It’s my fourth day on vacation and I’m already bored. I am one of those people that can’t relax when I’m alone. If someone were here, I would have no problem snuggling on the couch or sitting and reading. But I feel like I should be doing something when I’m alone. Like cleaning or something equally productive. So, I’ve decided to post about my vacation so far, even though nothing exciting is going on.

Friday: I woke up early, had breakfast, checked my email, and laid on my couch where I fell back asleep for a few hours. Got my lazy ass up and went out to the pool where my lazy ass stayed for 2 hours. That was enough time to feel a bit like a raisin. Got myself together to work out and after my workout, showered and watched TV. I would have listened to music outside, but my Mullet neighbor and his Inbred nephew were in the backyard playing who can get drunker. In addition to being completely grossed out by Inbred, I’m also a bit scared of him as he’s followed me up the stairs of my apartment several times over the years and always tries to touch me. He is usually extremely drunk on these occassions which scares me even more. And then there’s the fact that he has admittedly beaten his ex-girlfriend (and mother of his child, cause it’s not complete without an illegitimate child is it?) when they were together and even after they broke up. So, suffice it to say I steer clear of him when he’s here. It pisses me off, since I pay to live here and enjoy the property.

Saturday: I woke up in a bad mood. There wasn’t enough coffee in the world for me. I went outside to hang by the pool and after about an hour I was ready to come in. I decided to take my friends up on their invite to their famous Independence Day barbecue since I had no other plans. I got there and was horrified to find that it was only married couples and me. I’m not kidding. ALL of my friends are married and most of them are housewives or stay at home moms. Most of them married lawyers. So, it was that and me. I wish I could say it was a rip-roaring good time, but I was disgusted by the alcohol selection, Arbor Mist (in all of its varieties), low-carb beer, and Mike’s lemonade. My friends used to have taste. I picked up a Mike’s and hopped from group to group trying to find someone that would talk about anything other than the following: lawyer talk, mommy talk, or uptight bored wife talk. And these people aren’t perfect. The things we used to do. The things I know about all of these uptight frigid bitches. I used to be sisters with these women. Now, they are so full of their own shit it’s embarrassing. They are so fake. I left early and came home. After an hour boredom sunk in and I made my famous brownies. So, now I’m desparately trying to give the brownies away to anyone who wants them because if they are here I will eat them. They are that delicious. And I really don’t need to get any fatter.

Sunday: Got up and went to the pool. My neice and nephew came over, so I spend the whole afternoon outside in the hot sun with the kids. Then I worked out and when I came home I noticed that I was feeling a bit worn out. I took one look in the mirror and realized why. I was lobster red. I was in the sun way too long and realized that I didn’t drink that much water. I spend last night trying to hydrate myself and a marathon of a History Channel series The Revolution, which is very good.

Today: Oh, I’m pathetic. I woke up, had breakfast with a friend of mine, came home and went back to sleep. I decided not to go outside today, as my skin needs a break. And I haven’t done a damn thing since I’ve woken up. I am watching a What Not to Wear marathon on TLC and trying to keep myself out of the kitchen because those fucking brownies are still there. I sure hope the night isn’t as pathetic.

So, I know that the best is yet to come for this vacation and I’m impatient for it. I wish I could tell you all what it is, but I need to keep this a secret. But trust me, it’s a good one and worth the wait.

uPDATE: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don’t tell anyone. I was at my neighbors a few houses down and we were drinking and shooting off some serious fireworks, well I wasn’t my neighbor was. Well, they were fucking awesome. And then some fucking bitch was drving down our street asking people what the addres of the ‘fireworks’ house is and we said ‘fuck off, what’s your \address” and then the next thing you know the cops were there telling my poor neighbor he would have to stop or they’d arrest him, so he stopped. An hour later his son came home and said he found the bitches car and she lives one block over from us. I went home. About 5 minutes ago, my 76 year old next door neighbor called me and said she egged the woman’s car with a dozen eggs. She walked. I almost pissed myself laughing, but I’m under control now. Fuick I’m drunk. Bye.

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