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Archive for the ‘Jalopy’ Category

I want to thank everyone for all of your advice regarding the shitty kissing that went down on Friday. I’m not a prude when it comes to first dates. I’ll kiss (shit, I’ve even fucked), but I have to be really attracted in order to do this. Or have lots of wine. Yeah, wine makes me a whore. It’s awesome sometimes. What I’m trying to say, in my retarded way, is that although I wasn’t really ‘feeling’ this guy I had 3 glasses of red wine and could be described as extremely friendly. So when he asked if he could kiss me, I figured what the fuck. I don’t understand what nerves have to do with kissing skills, but I was going to give him a second chance after reading about how he could have been nervous. This is very big of me, as I’m from the “if you’re not going to do it right, then don’t do it at all” school. He kissed like a 13 year old, not a 35 year old. Oy!

Did you notice that I said was going to give him a second chance? Um, yeah. My family member (the person who put me up to the date) said that my date thought I was extremely rude for talking on my cell phone the whole night. Motherfucker. I can see if I was chatting up my girlfriends about the new shoes they purchased, but I was talking to my mother regarding my pregnant sister bleeding in the hospital. He told my family member that HE would consider giving me a second chance. What? Is he fucking serious? He’s done. I considered going on a second date and destroying him like ‘Debbie from the old days’ would have done. But I’m older and more compassionate now. I sent him a level 10 bitch (my most deadly level) email telling him how embarrassed he should be of his stupidity and ignorance. I said more, but you all don’t need to see the full extent of my temper and how horrible I can be. I have it in me to be the cruelest person I know and it’s not something I’m proud of.

So, did anything else happen you ask? Why yes?

On Saturday morning I stopped at my mother’s house before going to have new tires put on my car. The stinkies (Morgan and Connor) were there and I got to act nuts with them for a bit. My goodness I love these kids. Nothing in the world is wrong when I’m with them. Here are some pictures:


My mom kept my old dance costumes. Morgan found this one and immediately changed into it to put on her show. She’s such a performer.


I can’t resist this smile. After I took the picture I grabbed him and bit the little Meatball’s cheeks.

After, I went to get my tires replaced. Waiting for that to go down was a special kind of hell. Not only did they smoke in the little office at my mechanic’s, but these little wannabe white rapper fuckers kept coming in looking for rims and shit. They had the most manicured facial hair I’ve ever seen. I played a game in my head trying to guess how small their penis’ were. If they stayed in the office long enough, I then guesstimated how bad they were in bed by rating them on a scale from 1-10 depending on how ‘dressed up’ they were in the ghetto gear. No one rated very high, as you can imagine.

Have I ever told you all how I hate an overly done up man? I’m not attracted to men in suits or any man who looks like he has his eyebrows tweezed. Ew. I hate men’s cologne. I’m not attracted to men who are too pretty or good looking. I like there to be some flaw or quirk. I have this thing for dirty construction workers. Sometimes they’re on the train with me and I have to keep myself from licking my lips. They smell of soap and sweat. There’s nothing better than that.

Saturday night I did nothing exciting. I made a stir fry and read all night. I was on standby because my sister was still bleeding and the doctor wasn’t sure what they were going to do. But, the decision was made to definitely take the baby on Tuesday. I’m really excited. Another stinky to spoil. Makes me want to have a baby. But, that’s a whole other post.

Yesterday was one of the most boring days ever. I cleaned, napped, cooked, and read. I watched some of the Super Bowl but it was boring so I turned it off. The series Rome is getting really good. You all should watch it. It’s not historically accurate at all, but if you can over that, it’s a really awesome show.

I did put a profile up on Match.com because I love torturing myself. Actually, my friend says that it’s not so bad. I should know better to never trust my friends. Even the good ones. Every guy on the site looks like a serial killer. I have 6 emails already and I can’t open them because they want me to pay $20. So, I have to pay money to possibly get a date with a loser who will probably do something offensive or freakish to me in the first hour of the date. Fun stories aheah, I’m sure.

I’m so optimistic it’s scary, huh?

I watched some man pick his nose quite thoroughly on the train in this morning. I tried to get my phone out to take a picture, but he was a shifty fucker and stopped just when I was ready to snap. It was -800 degrees outside this morning, so we walked underground to keep out of the wind. I hate walking underground. It breaks my heart. When the weather gets this cold, the city lets the homeless sleep in the tunnels underground. I just can’t deal with it. I want to help them all. There is one guy, who doesn’t look much older than me, that sits by the subway rocking. He looks so cold. His eyes are vacant. That kills me. Nobody eyes should be vacant like that. I bought him breakfast last week after I saw him rummaging through the garbage and was pleased to see that this morning someone beat me to it. He had a steaming cup of coffee and food. This week I will bring him a few blankets because his look like rags. I have 3 comforters that I was going to throw away, but they are perfectly good and that would be wasteful. I know I can’t change the world, but I can’t get through my day knowing that I have so much and there are people sleeping underneath my building in rags starving with vacant eyes. I have to help a little.

That’s all I’ve got today, folks.

Oh yeah, click here.

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