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I want to thank everyone for all of your advice regarding the shitty kissing that went down on Friday. I’m not a prude when it comes to first dates. I’ll kiss (shit, I’ve even fucked), but I have to be really attracted in order to do this. Or have lots of wine. Yeah, wine makes me a whore. It’s awesome sometimes. What I’m trying to say, in my retarded way, is that although I wasn’t really ‘feeling’ this guy I had 3 glasses of red wine and could be described as extremely friendly. So when he asked if he could kiss me, I figured what the fuck. I don’t understand what nerves have to do with kissing skills, but I was going to give him a second chance after reading about how he could have been nervous. This is very big of me, as I’m from the “if you’re not going to do it right, then don’t do it at all” school. He kissed like a 13 year old, not a 35 year old. Oy!

Did you notice that I said was going to give him a second chance? Um, yeah. My family member (the person who put me up to the date) said that my date thought I was extremely rude for talking on my cell phone the whole night. Motherfucker. I can see if I was chatting up my girlfriends about the new shoes they purchased, but I was talking to my mother regarding my pregnant sister bleeding in the hospital. He told my family member that HE would consider giving me a second chance. What? Is he fucking serious? He’s done. I considered going on a second date and destroying him like ‘Debbie from the old days’ would have done. But I’m older and more compassionate now. I sent him a level 10 bitch (my most deadly level) email telling him how embarrassed he should be of his stupidity and ignorance. I said more, but you all don’t need to see the full extent of my temper and how horrible I can be. I have it in me to be the cruelest person I know and it’s not something I’m proud of.

So, did anything else happen you ask? Why yes?

On Saturday morning I stopped at my mother’s house before going to have new tires put on my car. The stinkies (Morgan and Connor) were there and I got to act nuts with them for a bit. My goodness I love these kids. Nothing in the world is wrong when I’m with them. Here are some pictures:


My mom kept my old dance costumes. Morgan found this one and immediately changed into it to put on her show. She’s such a performer.


I can’t resist this smile. After I took the picture I grabbed him and bit the little Meatball’s cheeks.

After, I went to get my tires replaced. Waiting for that to go down was a special kind of hell. Not only did they smoke in the little office at my mechanic’s, but these little wannabe white rapper fuckers kept coming in looking for rims and shit. They had the most manicured facial hair I’ve ever seen. I played a game in my head trying to guess how small their penis’ were. If they stayed in the office long enough, I then guesstimated how bad they were in bed by rating them on a scale from 1-10 depending on how ‘dressed up’ they were in the ghetto gear. No one rated very high, as you can imagine.

Have I ever told you all how I hate an overly done up man? I’m not attracted to men in suits or any man who looks like he has his eyebrows tweezed. Ew. I hate men’s cologne. I’m not attracted to men who are too pretty or good looking. I like there to be some flaw or quirk. I have this thing for dirty construction workers. Sometimes they’re on the train with me and I have to keep myself from licking my lips. They smell of soap and sweat. There’s nothing better than that.

Saturday night I did nothing exciting. I made a stir fry and read all night. I was on standby because my sister was still bleeding and the doctor wasn’t sure what they were going to do. But, the decision was made to definitely take the baby on Tuesday. I’m really excited. Another stinky to spoil. Makes me want to have a baby. But, that’s a whole other post.

Yesterday was one of the most boring days ever. I cleaned, napped, cooked, and read. I watched some of the Super Bowl but it was boring so I turned it off. The series Rome is getting really good. You all should watch it. It’s not historically accurate at all, but if you can over that, it’s a really awesome show.

I did put a profile up on Match.com because I love torturing myself. Actually, my friend says that it’s not so bad. I should know better to never trust my friends. Even the good ones. Every guy on the site looks like a serial killer. I have 6 emails already and I can’t open them because they want me to pay $20. So, I have to pay money to possibly get a date with a loser who will probably do something offensive or freakish to me in the first hour of the date. Fun stories aheah, I’m sure.

I’m so optimistic it’s scary, huh?

I watched some man pick his nose quite thoroughly on the train in this morning. I tried to get my phone out to take a picture, but he was a shifty fucker and stopped just when I was ready to snap. It was -800 degrees outside this morning, so we walked underground to keep out of the wind. I hate walking underground. It breaks my heart. When the weather gets this cold, the city lets the homeless sleep in the tunnels underground. I just can’t deal with it. I want to help them all. There is one guy, who doesn’t look much older than me, that sits by the subway rocking. He looks so cold. His eyes are vacant. That kills me. Nobody eyes should be vacant like that. I bought him breakfast last week after I saw him rummaging through the garbage and was pleased to see that this morning someone beat me to it. He had a steaming cup of coffee and food. This week I will bring him a few blankets because his look like rags. I have 3 comforters that I was going to throw away, but they are perfectly good and that would be wasteful. I know I can’t change the world, but I can’t get through my day knowing that I have so much and there are people sleeping underneath my building in rags starving with vacant eyes. I have to help a little.

That’s all I’ve got today, folks.

Oh yeah, click here.

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How has everyone been? I’m sleepy today. I am fantasizing about going to sleep. I want nothing more than to put my jammies on and curl up on the couch when I get home. But I can’t.

Why, you ask?

I have a date tonight. Yup. Another setup. Now, before you go lecturing me about how I should have learned my lesson by now about these bullshit setups let me explain something. I’m doing this as a favor for a friend of the family. I was begged to do it. Apparently, I’d be perfect for So’n’so’s son. The date is at 7, so no naps for me. I’m wearing pants and I’m not shaving my pits or my legs. That’s how much I care about this date.

What else has been going on?

Fuck if I know. It’s been boring around here.

I took my nipple ring out the other night. It got caught in the lace of my bra a few weeks ago and never recovered. I was tired of having a sore nipple for no reason. This is the same reason why I took the other one out last year. Oh well, they were fun for while.

I gave blood yesterday. Here are some pictures of my arm because I know you want to see my wound.


My arm right after, covered in iodine.


My arm right now. The little red dot is where they stuck me. Do you like the bruising? My arm is killing me today. I’ve never had pain after giving blood before. It sucks.

They now take the blood in a Red Cross bus. It was strange. I filled the bag of blood in 5 minutes. I shit you not. The nurse was also impressed by the amount of iron in my blood. The drop sank down to the bottom like a weight. She asked me what I eat because whatever I’m doing I need to keep up. I told her I eat lots of greens. She laughed.

Speaking of greens, it bothers me that people say they don’t eat any vegetables. I don’t understand this. I had dinner with a few friends last night and they declared that they don’t do veggies. Do they understand how bad that is. I eat shitloads of veggies everyday. And I may not be the skinniest person in the world, but I’m super healthy. My bloodwork and blood pressure are always perfect. I poop twice a day with no issues. I have great skin and hair. My nails grow like weeds and are strong. I might get 2 pimples a year and they are never more than little tiny bumps. Those few people I know who don’t eat veggies are a freakin mess. They have poop issues. And bad skin. They have brittle hair. I call them “skinny fat”. They might be really skinny, but they are unhealthy. Our bodies need the vitamins and minerals that veggies provide.

I know I know, I just told you all way too much about my poop. Sorry.

I think I might be obsessed with poop. Not in a sexual way (for all of the freaks and assholes who are reading this or searching for people obsessed with poop), but I really think that you can tell a lot about a person from the regularity of their bowel movements. I’m the shit psychic.

Okay, enough of that. I’m being silly.

My sister is having the baby, maybe, on Tuesday. It’s almost a sure thing, they just have to do one more test. I’ll have another little stinky. They’re naming him Colin. I like that name. I will definitely have pictures.

And now, please excuse me for a moment. I have something I need to say to a certain group of people out there. This letter will come across as cocky, conceited, and arrogant but I don’t care. I’m reached my limit. I need to get this out and vent.

***
Dear Weirdo male lurkers,

You never comment on here. You don’t even have a blog. Yet, you feel you need to email me with annoying pictures of your cocks or email me to tell me how much you hate me or, the latest and most annoying, you email me to let me know that you live in DC or Philly or NYC and that we should fuck. Some of you offer to end my dry spell like you’re doing me some huge favor. Seriously? I don’t know you. Why would you think I’d fuck some guy I didn’t know? You gonna pay me? Then don’t flatter yourselves.

Really. If I wanted to end my dry spell, I could anytime I wanted. Trust me on this. Not only that, I’m also too good for you. You aren’t worthy of my fucking gifted, no….prodigal way of fucking. I would make you cry for your mother, for your god even. Don’t doubt that. Okay? I would ruin masturbation for you, I’m that good. If there is anything in this world that I’m 100% sure of, it’s that I am brilliant when it comes to sex. So, why would I grant this gift to you? Even if these emails are a joke (even though I don’t think this is so), it’s wasting my time. Leave me alone.

I’m tired of being harassed and insulted. I’m tired of the strange, somewhat scary, emails. It’s not my problem that your life is filled with mediocrity, so stop emailing me desparate pleas for my company and affection. You’re pissing me off. I don’t think it’s fair that I should feel I have to look over my shoulder everywhere I go because of something you wrote to me.

The kid gloves are off. If you email me again with this bullshit, I will publish the email address and let them at you. I’m done with this.

Best wishes and get some therapy,
Debbie
***
And now we’re going to stroke.

To Do: 1. Get Hobby 2. Floss: I wish I could be this funny. Really, I do. She’s hilarious. And a great writer. This is one example of how fucking funny she is.

Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore: His life should be a sitcom. He makes me laugh, deep from the belly. The posts about his mother have me peeing myself. Hilarious. Go over. I don’t have one post to point out because it’s all good.

Wait….I’ll Think of Something: This is Katrice. She’s smart, funny, relevant, and charming. Her posts are a nice mix of current events, life stories, and random thoughts. I like her. She’s good people. I love her blog. Go over and read.

Water Water Everywhere: An American in Ireland. Pog is very literary. She’s smart. She’s a good writer. She doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass. She’s got her funny moments. She’s worth a look.

Weekends Off: I can always count on this blog to give me something good to read. Between the people at her job and the evil ex-husband’s wife and the crazy antics, I crack up. Often. Go check her out and be hypnotized by her flashing butt.

Stay tuned for the final stroke next week.

Have a great weekend and please wish me luck on this date. I’m gonna need it.

UPDATE: I’m home from the date. Woo hoo! It went pretty well. He didn’t do anything nuts or say inappropriate things. He was good looking, but not overly so. We only had dinner and drinks because I’m exhausted. Throughout the date, my mother kept calling me because my sister started bleeding again and we were afraid they would perform the C-section tonight. They’re just going to monitor her for now. My date was very patient and considerate about all of this. I felt horribly rude talking on the phone with him there. The night ended in the parking lot of the restuarant with a kiss. He asked me if he could which was very polite. The kiss ruined the whole date though. It was bad. Not one redeeming thing about it. The man is 35, so he should know how to kiss. Am I wrong that the lack of kissing skills bothers me? It turned me off completely. At least the date wasn’t a complete nightmare and this gives me hope.

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…cause I’m so friggin boring.

Let’s see…..Friday night I cooked this dinner. Finished this book (I highly recommend it). I then went to bed at 9.

Saturday was full of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as I’m rewatching all seven seasons because I’m a first class dork. Yes, I still love that show and no, haven’t found a sufficient replacement. Heroes is sort of like my replacement for the X-Files (another show I absolutely loved). I’m in the middle of Season 2 of Buffy at the moment.

I’ve been writing a lot lately. Essays and I’ve also been working on my book (which I’m sure no one will ever read). It’s nice to be so focused at the moment. I’m sure I’ll get sidetracked soon and stop writing. I may post some of the essays to bore you all.

My friend (one that doesn’t live around here anymore) tried to set me up with her brother’s friend. She gave him my phone number (with my permission) and he called me yesterday afternoon. He seemed a bit boring, but nice. We were on the phone for about 10 minutes when I heard a noise. I stopped talking and he apologized. I asked, “Did you just fart?” and he replied, “Yeah, I mean it’s not like there are any ducks around here to blame it on.” And then he started laughing. I hung up. First phone call, 10 minutes in, farting already. I had to have a shot of vodka right at that moment. For the guys that think this is awesome…this was like going on a first date with a great girl and having her take a shit in front of you. Ruins everything.

I went to dinner last night with my dad and his girlfriend. We had over an hour wait and after 3 drinks with no food, I was hammered. I suggested several times that we should get an appetizer at the bar or something, but my dad insisted that we all wait until we get seated. I pigged out. The waiter was horrible. He came over to the table while we were eating our entres to tell us that our meals would be out in a few minutes. I looked up at him like he was retarded and he said, “Oh I didn’t realize you had your food.” We looked at him like he was nuts. The food was great and I woke this morning still full. I had a great time.

My sister has decided to stay in the hospital until she has the baby. Her husband stepped up and insisted that she stay. I’m pleasantly surprised. My mom and stepdad went to Lancaster to see her yesterday and they say that she’s very bored, but well. My mom did report that my brother-in-law, Ryan, was wearing his favorite T-shirt, which says “I love strippers”, at the hospital. Classy huh?

I’m joining the gym this week. This will start the first time in over 3 years I will be weight lifting. I used to be ripped. I’ve always been an athlete and I can’t wait to start back. I know I’ll be sore for some time, but it will be worth it. I used to be addicted to the gym. I used to go 6 days a week lifting weights AND running. I’d also do yoga twice a week. We’ll see how often I go this time. I’m going to start 4 times a week with weights and cardio. I’m going to switch up the cardio between the different machines for a while until the weather changes a bit and then it’s straight up running for cardio. I’m still planning on running the Race for the Cure in May.

I’m going to be meeting Hotdrwife and Fyrchk at the end of February in DC for dinner and I’m really excited. We’re going to have a blast. I’m taking the train in the morning and I may wander around DC for a little bit before meeting up with those two hot mamas, as I love the museums there and rarely get a chance to see them.

And now I shall stroke some people because I forgot to on Friday.

The Postman: Conan doesn’t update much, but he’s worth a visit. He’s in Ireland and he’s busy moving house. He’s got a great sense of humor and he’s fun.

The World According to the Emetic Sage: Get your dictionary, cause you may need it. I’m not sure how to describe this blog. Humor, short story, and editorials on life are what make this blog different. This isn’t a diary blog. But I enjoy the posts and think that Sage is a great writer. Even if he punks out for a few weeks and doesn’t post because he ‘quit’ blogging. Go over there and leave some comments so that he keeps writing. It’s nice to have this unique voice in the blog world. And he’s a hell of a nice guy.

the zoo that is my mind: This blog is unique in that most of the posts are mysterious and intriguing. You understand where she’s coming from without having her write the story of her life. I like that. Go over and check it out.

These Crazy Times: I love JR. She’s great. She’s got some really funny stories about growing up in a small town, as well as some harrowing tales of dating. She’s a great read. I’m hoping that she finds love and success soon. She deserves it.

This Is Not A Love Song: I like ths blog. I like her stories. I like her perspective. She’s funny and intelligent. I’m new to her blog, so I’m discovering her like you all are. Enjoy it.

And that ends this weeks stroking. There will be more on Friday.

Kisses….

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…and what’s going on. I’m in a pissy, hateful, bitchy, skin you alive kind of mood today.

My sister was admitted into hospital yesterday and will be staying there for the duration of her pregnancy. She was bleeding again, worse this time. They say she had a contraction in the middle of the night and that caused the bleeding. Her placenta is pulling away from the uterine wall which is a sign of labor. If she has more contractions she could hemorrhage and bleed to death, so she’s where she needs to be so that if need be they can take the baby whenever they need to. Which means that my nephew could be born anytime now. Hopefully she can hold out until Feb. 16 when she was originally scheduled to have her C-section.

This Sunday is my birthday. Whatever. All my friends…I’m sorry did you not hear me…..ALL MY FRIENDS are busy. ALL OF THEM. Sooooooo, I have to figure out what the fuck to do this weekend to celebrate. If I don’t have plans by tomorrow night, I’m going to egg and toilet paper every single one of my asshole friend’s houses. I think that is more than fair, since I didn’t miss anyone’s birthday this past year and wait….let’s add up the dinner’s, presents, and drinks I went in on because I’m a good friend and care for people….yup, I think they’re getting off easy.

Do you know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? People drinking hot coffee through straws stuck in the sippy hole of the coffee lid. When I see this I want to knock the cup of coffee out of their hands. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much, but it does.

Why does everyone think Scarlett Johanson is such a good actress? I see her in a film and I want her to blow her nose (she always sounds like she’s stuffed up) and get a fucking personality. She’s a charisma bypass. She has the same dead stare and monotone voice in every fucking film she’s in. She’s one of those people who is lucky she’s pretty.

Remember that guy I told you all I had a crush on. Turns out that he’s in the hospital for a little while. Want to know why? Apparently he has genital warts and had an outbreak. To sooth this outbreak he started using a new cream which caused him to have a severe rash. Instead of going directly to the doctor, he let it go figuring it would go away on it’s own. Well, let’s just say my friend was surprised he didn’t need skin grafting to get things back in order in the crotch region. That’s just beyond gross. Don’t people wear condoms?

Did anyone watch Scrubs last night? No? Losers. They had a song on there called Guy Love and it’s the best thing I’ve seen in weeks. Go here to view and I dare you not to laugh.

Before I get to the stroke, I want to let you all in on an idea I have. I think one day each week I’m going to let someone “hijack” my blog. Meaning that someone can send me a post and I’ll put it up on here. The only rule is that it has to be funny. No politics or religion, unless it’s funny. Shit, I’ll even let you do a parody of me if you want. I’m doing this because I know I’m going to be insanely busy for the next couple weeks and I thought this would be fun. So email me your posts.

And now the stroking….

Sector-9: Miss Sarah is one of my first readers. She came from Marcia’s blog. Sarah is like the punkrocker of my blogroll. The anarchist. But with heart. She’s living in Israel and it’s quite amazing to read about current events from someone who lives there and isn’t getting paid by anyone to water it down. She’s a great read and you should go over there and leave a comment. She also posts some yummy recipes.

So this is my life!?!: I work with this lovely lady. She’s a personal friend of mine. Her desk is one row over from mine and if I talk loud she can hear me. Actually, I can hear her talking now. She’s funny and has an adorable 3 year old daughter who talks like she’s 30 years old. This lady knows my sense of humor and oftentimes we get laughing about something so hard that I almost pee my pants. Mostly, we’re laughing at LJ (cubicle neighbor) cause she’s nuts. Go check her out. Her blog is pretty new and she’s just getting into posting often. Leave a comment and say hi.

Softball Slut: The name of the blog makes me laugh. She loves softball. Even more than I ever did. I love her stories of softball games and family and trips. She’s got an adorable kitty. She’s freakin funny. Go check in regularly and you won’t be sorry.

The LJ Hour: This is not my cubicle neighbor, but someone I found in the weirdest of ways. I won’t get into it. But, I love her blog. She’s funny and a seriously talented photographer. Her dog is the cutest little thing. She writes about her life in NYC and her trips everywhere. She’s a big traveler and it’s cool to see the pictures of all of the places she goes and read the stories. Go over there now.

The Pink Shoe: Well now….there would be no Fresh Air Lover if it weren’t for Marcia. She’s a former work colleague and she’s the one who told me to start a blog. And she’s the one who told me to keep on blogging, even when I thought I had nothing to write about. So, if you love this blog you need to thank this little lady. She’s got crafts, food, and wit…oh and shoes…and she’s a good time. I think you should go over there now.

Have a good weekend.

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I’ve been sick. I’ve been getting ass raped by an evil sadistic cold the past couple of days….

I woke up on Thursday with a stuffy nose and a tightness in my chest. I went to work and did my usual things like work my ass off and ran errands after and worked out. These things only made me feel worse. I updated the other blogs and then logged onto MySpace to see, I don’t know….because I was bored. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder why I have that page. I don’t ever really write anything to anyone and I basically ignore most of the messages I get and deny most friend requests.

sigh….

So, Thursday night I logged on and I see I have a message from a guy on my friend list. This guy asked to be my friend when I first signed up for MySpace and I accepted his request because he said he read my blog and liked it. He seemed kind of normal. He would occasionally send me messages regarding a particular post I’d written and I would write him a little message back. I mean, I felt his messages were no different than what you all leave in the comments….accept they were long and would include things about his personal life. But still, I didn’t mind. I’m a nice person by nature. So, here’s the message:

Deb,
Ok I just went through your blog. I am sorry again and let me apologize for the male of the species. I will never understand why some men think that showing a picture of a woman with cum all over her face would turn you on. Especially since you’ve never met them. It’s a diiferent thing if you’re in a relationship, but not until then…lol I would love the chance to talk to you on the phone but I guess my chance is not going to happen because of the freaks that you meet online. I would love to talk to you because we share alot of the same likes and dislikes (ie:Food, Wine, Rome…lol). I know that I gave you my phone number and that’s not something that I usually do. I didn’t really expect you to call. I was just feeling a bit rowdy from a few beers and it being around my birthday and all…lol. I would usually ask for a number and then call. I’m sorry if that turned you off to the idea of talking to me. I feel like I write to you about my life and I read about yours on your blog. When you write to me, it’s never more than just a few lines. I read your blog and I want to talk to you about cetain things or ideas (non sexual) and it just seems like a one way conversation. I only want to talk as friends and I don’t want to fuck you. I don’t even really know you. I like to meet someone and know them before I ever have sex with them. For me I need some sort of feeling for them. I would love to get to know you better to just be able to call you and talk to you about “Rome”. That is one of my favorite shows. I also have a strong interest in Rome in general. I am reading a book on Julius Caesar right now. It’s pretty cool because it mainly focuses on his miltary career. It was written by a man who fought in the civil war (our civil war). That whole period of time fascinates me and I think I am well versed in the subject. I know you said that you like Vorenus but I am a huge fan of his counter-part and wife Indira Varma. Huge crush over here..lol. I almost had a heart attack when she killed herself. She was in a movie called “Kama Sutra”. If you ever get a chance to see it please do. I love the soundtrack. Anyway it’s a shame that hosers like the “cum picture guy” and the rest of them get a chance to talk to you and I don’t. I think you would like talking to me because I think I’m pretty smart and have experienced much in life. I have a broad base…lol. It’s ok I guess if you don’t want to get to know me but I think you’re just not giving me a chance for some reason. It’s your reason whatever it is and I can respect that. You’re just missing a chance to have a good friend to have in your arsenal. Fuck…I can even spell…lol. Ok enough trying to convince you why you should be my friend on a more personal level. I hope you do but if not my world will still be intact and I will still write to you. Now I’m going to go make a nice dinner and drink a nice little Malbec I found. It’s called “Kaiken”
and it’s from Argentina.
Have a great night Domina

I wasn’t happy about this. This man doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. Yes, I was a little weirded out that he gave me his number but I just ignored the number and wished him a happy birthday. I had hoped he got the idea that I’m not the type to call without knowing someone. I mean, how many of you have my number? Some of you have been reading my blog for over a year and I still wouldn’t give you my number and you probably wouldn’t give me yours. There are some readers that I’ve never had any contact with outside the comments of our respective blogs. And that’s okay. You all get it. Only 10-15 of you have my number or have a chance to get it. The to the rest of you, although I do sincerely care for you, I’d rather stay “Debbie from Fresh Air Lover” if that’s okay.

The problem with people like the man who wrote that message is that they mistake ‘blog life’ with ‘real life’. The only reason I have a MySpace account is to connect with people I haven’t heard from in a long time (and that’s happened) and to get more traffic for my blog. That’s it. I don’t have time for all of that other MySpace shit. I have a life.

Anyhow, I’m sick of typing about this. I just wanted to post that email to let the people who read this blog know what is going on. I also told my father about the email in case it becomes more than what it is. I don’t think it will, but I can’t trust that. I think that the email was fucking inappropriate, crazy, and obnoxious. Feel free to give me your thoughts on it. I’m probably over-reacting but I just get paranoid. I know that it may seem cruel that I’m saying all of this knowing that this man reads my blog, but I see it as a way to let him know that sending women he doesn’t know messages of this nature makes him seem scary, even if he happens to be a nice guy.

To that man, don’t contact me again. I’ve blocked you from contacting me on MySpace and please don’t email me. I’m not interested.

And for more fun stuff:

My birthday is one week from today. I still don’t have any plans. My gay boyfriend Tim is visiting from NYC and was supposed to take me out last night, but I cancelled because I’m too sick. He’s coming over tonight to give me my present and champagne, and said not to be offended if he’s wearing his Hazmat suit. Bastard.

Other than that, nothing has been going on. I’ve been flat on my back from this cold. At one point yesterday my right nostril and my right eye were leaking. My nose is chapped and red. My voice sounds like someone sandpapered my throat. My back hurts from lying down all day. I did cook a nice big pot of soup yesterday and it was divine.

I’m out of energy. My eyes are watering and I just want to close them.

Smooches.

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You all know that I’ve done the online dating shit, right? I could write several, yes I said several, how-to books on the subject. I’ve recently decided that the online dating scene is not for me, because everyone is a freak, and that I’m going to try and meet men in a more traditional way. That is, right after I’m finished dating myself.

So, I met a guy named Dave online (and no it wasn’t Lozo) about two months ago. He seemed okay. I figured that this would be my last attempt at meeting men online. I gave him my number and he called me. We were talking for a bit, when he interrupted our conversation telling me to check my email cause he just sent me something. I say okay and I check it. Guess what he sent me?

No, not a picture of his dick. Keep guessing…..

A picture of a girl with a huge load of cum on her face. Oh yes.

I ask him what he meant by sending me that picture and he laughed and asked me if I liked it. I said, “The picture or having a load shot on my face?” He said both.

Now, this is where I got weirded out. If I say yes to either one, he now has his opening to start talking about sex…a subject I avoid at all costs when first meeting a man because men can’t handle my talking about sex at that early stage of knowing me. Men just can’t. I know someone will try to argue with me about this, but hear me now…..I start discussing sex with them before we even meet and then that’s all they want me for when we do meet. It’s happened. I’ve learned my lesson.

I say to this Dave, “I’d rather not discuss my sexual likes and dislikes over the telephone without having met you if that’s okay.” He begs me to just tell him if I like the picture or not. As I’m searching my brain for a way to hang up without being too rude, I get another email.

Guess what it is?

Yup, how did you know? Another facial picture. Featuring a different woman.

I told him I got his second email and he laughs and then whispers, “You know, I can do that to you too if you want.” He says this in a way that would make someone eavesdropping think he was offering me an amazing makeover.

I tell him that I’ll pass and then decide to get a bit rude with him. I explain that it’s not like he’s doing anything special with his dick. “I can probably get any guy I want to cum on my face, it’s not like you’re doing something revolutionary.”

And then he says the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard a man say in defense of shooting cum on the face….ready for it….he says, “But Debbie, my cum tastes really good and makes a beautiful mask.”

I immediately start laughing and then I hang up the phone. Since that day, two months ago, I’ve been getting strange phone calls and the random ‘facial’ shot.

And then this morning I open my email to not only two facial pictures of the same girl, but an action shot of him jerking off over the woman and one more of just his penis with a dribble of semen on the end.

Thanks asshole.

I will say that his penis is quite big though.

Which brings me to my new attitude on cocks…..

I’m going to have a big cock prejudice now (a bigcockist, if you will) and only date men with little weiners. Why, you ask? Because every guy I’ve dated that owned a big cock has been a complete social degenerate or an asshole (and yes, this includes the Pilot on some levels). They think that their big cocks give them the right to be presumptuous, jerks, demanding, worshipped, envied, etc….these men have actually had the audacity to make me feel like they were bestowing some amazing gift onto me by giving me their cock. As fucking if. Trust me when I say that it is the woman (ahem, me when I use my mouth) giving you the gift. Even if you’ve got a giant cock.

So, from now on I’m only dating men with small cocks. If I see you have a big cock, I’m gonna have to dump you. I don’t have the energy to worship a big cock. I’d rather worship the whole man.

Thanks for listening.

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…at this (don’t listen to this in work unless you have headphones)…

…and this (an actual message sent to me from an 18 year old on MySpace)…

Hello:-) Names Wes,You are very attractive if i may say,are you kinky dear?(Ass and toilet play,brutal head,Young,Roleplay,Dirty talk,public places etc) If not,dont message me back,if so,feel free too:-)

I mean no disrespect as much as this message is blunt and forward,I dont believe in lying to women about what i want,So if you would like to speak please message me back with your ass and breast size and what your into sexualy or if your open minded etc

Yes i know,im weird,im a freak,gross,creepy whatever,but i find nothing wrong with experimenting with the human body and sexual nature.

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It’s black friday and guess what Debbie won’t be doing…what? You don’t know? I won’t be shopping, silly. No way. Those people are crazy.

I just realized that my birthday is in less than two months. Shit.

I went to a new level of dorky when I made a page for Stella on Catster. Yeah.

I will be updating Coquettishly later today, as I actually have two questions to answer. Love it.

I’m watching What Not to Wear and I think I might need to be nominated. I need Stacy and Clinton’s help. I do.

Thanksgiving was good. And kind of fun. Dinner was really yummy. And I had my favorite dessert….hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Yummy!!!!

  1. Went out to breakfast with my mom and stepdad at a classic NJ diner. The waitress was about 70 years old with a deep cigarette voice and a beehive featuring a huge red bow in the back and wearing a gingham Santa apron. This is what I love about NJ diners. There is always one waitress that is like this.
  2. I love going out to breakfast. It’s my favorite.
  3. My mom tells me that my asshole stepbrother (remember, he’s 38 living with my mom and stepdad for free because he refuses to pay rent and treats both of them like shit) won’t help my stepdad rake up the leaves in the backyard. My stepdad is 64 and is about to have knee replacement surgery. I volunteered to help out today.
  4. Got home from breakfast and laid on my couch. Huge mistake. Fell asleep.
  5. Woke up and went over to my dad’s for dinner. I was pissed at my dad because the night before he was giving my pregnant sister a hard time about all of the complications she’s having with the pregnancy. He says it’s in her head. Typical dad.
  6. Dinner was really good. One gross thing happened. My dad’s girlfriend’s daughter put a pile of turkey on her plate, got up, and brought a jar of mayo to her plate, then proceeded to smear half of the jar all over her turkey. I gagged.
  7. We played board games after dinner. One thing that irritates me about playing board games is that when you play a difficult one, the people who can’t answer the questions or have to think really hard about the questions always want to give up and play something else. I say, step the fuck up. It’s not my fault you don’t read, or educate yourself, or know things. I wanted to play Trivial Pursuit and we only got halfway into it.
  8. Why do I always get the sports questions right when I never watch sports or care about sports? Weird.
  9. I had two pieces of pie, pumpkin and apple. I was so stuffed I felt sick. I’d say that it was a successful Thanksgiving.
  10. Got home last night in time to watch Grey’s Anatomy and it was a very good episode.

Now the stroking:

Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper
: I can’t remember how I found this blog, but Crystal is hysterical. Honestly, she cracks me up. Right now she’s pregnant and I didn’t know that pregnancy could be so damn funny. Her stories about her neighbors, kids, husband, and job are well-written and I think it’s her writing ability that makes her so easy to relate to. I love her Burger King stories.

Captain & Coke with a Lime: April is a rockstar. Really. She is. She’s sexy, beautiful, smart, strong, and funny. She’s been through a lot and yet still has her sense of humor. Oh, and she attracts the same types of guys I do. She’s another woman who I know I’d be friends with if she lived closer. Go check her out.

Clumsy Cajun
: Another sassy lady who is pregnant. I love her dogs. They’re so cute. She has a baby blog which is really good too, go here to read it.

I should probably go get dressed now. I don’t feel like it. I’m feeling so lazy. I have to be at my mom’s at 1PM to rake those leaves. I want to stay in my snuggly jammies for the whole day. Oh, the dream’s we have huh?

UPDATE: I spent 3 hours raking my mom and stepdad’s backyard by myself because my stepdad is really sick. This means I not only raked, but had to bag the leaves myself because the township already picked up the leaves by the curb. And my stepdad’s leaf-blower is broken. I get no breaks, huh? Three hours, sixteen bags of leaves, two blisters, and one sore body later the yard was finished. I did half of this shit without gloves because I didn’t know there were any. My stepdad told me where the gloves were after I places a particularly wet and slimy pile of leaves in a bag. My mom couldn’t help me because she’s just had surgery a month and a half ago. Oh, and where was my fucker stepbrother? Up in his bedroom the whole time. I hate him. So, I’ve decided I’m buying my stepdad a new super-duper leaf-blower next year and shove the his old one up my stepbrother’s ass. Sounds good to me.

I just took a hot bath to calm my raging muscles and I’m in my fluffy robe. Now, if only I had a masseuse here. Oh, the blissful state I would be in…I wouldn’t even be able to put words to it.

Coquettishly is updated. And now I’m going to relax and do nothing for the rest of the night.

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