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Archive for the ‘Poo is what it’s about’ Category

Well, I suppose it’s only fair that I tell you the reason for posting those lyrics. It’s not what you think. Not even close.

You see, and I’m going for the abbreviated version because I’m so fucking pissed, a friend of a friend of a friend took something I wrote in an email the wrong way. A bunch of my friends were emailing each other to pass the day and he was part of it. Soooo, I replied to something he wrote and he decided I was in love with him.

Yeah, let that one wash over you.

Talk about thinking highly of oneself, huh?

Apparently, he thinks that all of the times I’ve been in his presence I’ve been in total awe of him. I’ve only seen him a few times. He has been to a few dinners, but I’ve never really given him much thought.

Until last week.

I can’t imagine how one could think someone is in love with them over one smartass email I sent. Maybe he forgot that he wasn’t the only one receiving that email.

He then started emailing and texting my friend about me. How he would date me, but it will never be love. This all ended with him emailing me the lyrics to that song, I’m Not In Love, and a stupid ass email about my love for him.

I ended up giving him a piece of my mind on Monday night. So much drama. I’m not even interested in talking about it anymore. Why does this shit happen to me? Where are the normal people?

—————–

Stella’s eye is acting up again. I put a call in to the vet tonight and I have an appointment for tomorrow morning. They want to run some tests and give her a shot of antibiotics. This shit is seriously driving me insane. I don’t have the kind of money to keep sending her to the vet every 2 weeks. This will be my 4th appointment in 6 weeks for the same fucking thing. Oy!

—————-

You’ll notice that I took down the blog to help that homeless woman and her dogs. We can’t find the woman. I found out she’s out of her mind on drugs and that she’s using the dogs for sympathy. I’ve spoken with several police officers who know her and they said that if anything happens to her, they know of several people willing to take the dogs.

I feel like a real fool for getting sucked in the way I did. I should have known better. But, I just wanted to help her. We did help her and the dogs though. We bought food and water and gave her money and clothes. At least that’s something.

—————-

I’ve started plans on starting a vegetable garden in my backyard next year. I think if I grow my own vegetables I’ll feel better. Like I’m using the earth for something. I know I’m a dork. I also joined a nature club in my area. I’m really excited about going on some nature walks. We have a huge bird population here, that’s right…New Jersey, and I want to see as much as I can. I love birds of prey, so it would be cool to see some hawks or eagles.

—————-

I took two laxative tablets tonight. I haven’t had a good poop since Saturday. It’s just not right. I usually poop twice a day, at least. So, I’m not feeling like myself. I need to have a day of pooping. Seriously. A whole day. I’m backed up and it ain’t good.

—————

Ann Coulter said the following….

“If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president. It’s kind of a pipe dream, it’s a personal fantasy of mine, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it’s the party of women and ‘We’ll pay for health care and tuition and day care — and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?’”

I hate this woman. Seriously. I want to know what the fuck happens to you as a human being to make you hate your own kind so much. If she was lying in an alley being gang-raped by sadistic serial killers, I would have to pause to contemplate helping her or not. I probably would because I’m the type of woman who would love to have a little piece of shit like her in my debt. Hmmm, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Ann, you have scorned me. You have given those uptight rich masogonist white men you are on your knees serving. You don’t deserve your uterus, clitoris, or tits. It’s not womankind’s fault your face looks like a dirty dried up cunt. I have proof, see below.

Sorry…you know, I was going to put a picture of her on here, but I don’t want her gangbanged looking face on here.

—————

I’m out. Cross your fingers that I have a good day of pooping. And I hope never to write a sentence like that again.

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Sheesh, I haven’t posted in a while. I wish I could say that I’m too busy to post, but I’ve really been too lazy. And I really haven’t had anything to say. Life is kind of boring lately.

I will say that Mullet Man is gone for good. I spoke with the lady downstairs and she has met someone else and is really happy. She just got tired of Mullet’s bullshit. She looks radiant, so good for her. I gave her a high five which is a very rare thing from me.

That’s all that going on. I cooked a lot this weekend. I’ve been straight chilling and loving it.

I’ll leave you all with a really retarded and strange story from my childhood that still affects me today…

When I was little and constipated my mom told me the story of the men in my colon that would push the poop out. I guess they were like the Keebler Elves or something. So, she said that some days the men would be energetic because they ate their vegetables and got a good night’s sleep. On those great days they could push my poop out with no trouble. But sometimes, when they haven’t done what they should have they didn’t have much energy to push the poop. One these terrible days the men needed motivation to to push the poop out, so my mom told me I had to take a deep breath and chant “heave ho heave ho heave ho.” This would help the men push the poop out.

I’ve never forgotten this story and to this day when I’ve feeling a bit constipated or having trouble with my poo, I think about the men in my colon and chant in my head “heave ho heave ho heave ho.”

Yeah, that’s one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever confessed.

Before I leave you all, I just want to say that I’ve updated all of my blogs today (all four of them if you count this one). Yes, be impressed. They are all solid posts, so go and bask in my brilliance. I even posted 3 recipes. I’m telling you, it was a good day for my readers.

Love ya ma bitches.

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I went to my niece’s play last night. She’s 7 years old. She loves being in these shows, so I was excited to see her do her thing. She was in the opening number and it was adorable. So, a few more songs were sung and they were going to the next scene when I smelled something burning.

I turned to my stepdad and asked him if he smelled it. He said yeah. So, we figured someone was smoking outside and threw a cigarette in a trashcan. But, the smell was getting more intense and was coming from the stage. My stepbrother, a cop, got up to check things out and we heard doors opening and rustling. Then we heard a kid start coughing really bad.

The fire alarm went off and we proceeded out the exits. It’s amazing to see how people will run out of the place in front of the handicapped and old. I helped a woman in a walker. There were others helping out. They opened the curtain and the amount of smoke that was behind there was unbelievable. I got out of the building and found everyone. Of course, the play was canceled. Morgan was a little upset. She saw the fire and was a little nervous.

Nobody was really hurt, the coughing was from the fire extinguisher. It was kind of a bummer. I really wanted to see the little miss do her thang.

Now, it’s time for some absolutely classic Debbie retardedness. Sit down and enjoy. Maybe you should get a beer or a cup of tea.

  1. I was dropping something off at a friend’s house the other day and she had one of her friends there. I’m not really crazy about this woman, but she’s not my friend so who cares. I was asked to stay for a drink, and I did. My friend’s friend was clearly upset about something. She looked like she was crying. I asked if I was interrupting anything and they say no. My friend’s friend took a deep breath and said that she had an accident on Saturday. I thought she had a car accident or something, so I started to give some kind words when she blurted out, “I peed my pants in front of my boyfriend.” Now, I’m someone who knows something about peeing pants. I’ve even pooped my pants. Like, last year. So, I told her that. She started laughing really hard and suddenly we were fast friends. Groovy, I know.
  2. Monday morning my boobs were hurting me. I was PMS’ing and they were so fucking sore. I decided to rub them to ease up the pain a bit. Oh, did I tell you I was at work? No, well I was. It’s was about 7:05 AM and nobody were there yet. Or so I thought. I’m in mid-rub ecstasy when one of my cubicle neighbors turns the corner. He looked at me quickly and then looked away. He’s a family man, kind of square, so I’m pretty sure he was thinking, “Look at this nut feeling herself up.”
  3. Today, I was wearing a very pretty blue dress. I remembered perfume and everything. So, I was drinking my coffee and I tipped back to drink the last bits and I spilled it down the front of me. I think I have a hole in my chin because I do this often. Anyhow, I smelled like perfumed coffee all day. Fucking gross.
  4. I went to a Quizzo happy hour my company held on Tuesday. It was sort of fun. The thing I hate about these happy hours is that the whole company is invited to these things, but one department seems to be so fucking impressed with themselves that they make the thing about them. My department always seems like the red-headed stepchild of the company, yet we’re the money makers. Anyhow, I can’t stand people at my company. Fucking bitches. Even the men.
  5. I went for a run the other night. As I really got into it and am at a great pace, I felt a booger. I ignored it, or tried to, and kept going. But, it was getting really annoying and I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the booger. After a few more minutes of the booger tickling my nose, I did something I haven’t done since I was a child….I picked my nose. Not only do I pick the booger out, but I flicked the booger off my finger. I was outside, so it’s okay. I can’t believe I picked my nose. Ew.
  6. I went into the ladies room at work and there was a big turd in the stall I walked into. For some reason, I’m like the all-time jackpot winner when it comes to picking the stall that someone left shit in or just shit the smelliest poo ever in. It’s a gift, I know you’re jealous. This poo was different than any I’d ever seen. It was orange. But not like a brownish orange, but this orange. Yeah, I know. Who has orange shit? I sometimes have a red shit, because I eat a lot of beets, but it’s never orange. I suppose I have a new mystery to solve. It’s always about poo.
  7. My neighbor is moving my trash can’s again. It’s so fucking annoying. And I think that Inbred Nephew is in jail. I haven’t seen him in months and he’s usually here all summer. It’s the only thing I can think of. I know, as of May, he had lost his license because of several DUIs. So classy, I know.
  8. My sister’s husband fucked their brand new computer. He downloaded some porn and got a serious virus, but he’s so computer illiterate that instead of running Norton’s he just ignored it and turned the computer off. Nice, huh?
  9. The other night, I sat on my porch and practiced my Woody Woodpecker laugh and now I’m a pro. Don’t ask me why I was doing this. I get bored and this kind of brilliance comes to me. I like to do the laugh in my kitchen cause it kind of echos. I know I’m cooler than you, deal with it.
  10. I’ve been thinking and have come to the conclusion that I would let Ed Norton fuck me in the ass on the first date. He wouldn’t even have to buy me dinner. A drink would suffice. I’m a dirty whore, who the fuck cares you judgmental bastards. You know you’d do it too.

And that’s all folks.

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Today I was assaulted. By my uterus. It was a sneak attack. That bitch brought on my period 2 weeks early.

I went to tinkle at approximately 9:30 AM and pulled my favorite white panties down to see them completely ruined. These are my dirty schoolgirl panties. They have ruffles. They are awesome.

And now, they are in the trash.

I also had diarrhea this afternoon. I’m sure you all want to know all about it. I can honestly say that I’m baffled by how I could shit that much when I’ve hardly eaten in the past 3 days. I’m on a very strict diet this week. Oatmeal for breakfast. Banana for snack. Salad with no dressing for lunch. Grapes for snack. One bowl of raisin bran for dinner. What the fuck? I was on the toilet for 20 minutes and I was pooing the whole time, courtesy flushing a gazillion times. I hate when this happens at work.

And why does the handicapped stall make me feel safer when pooing at work?

Can someone explain the whole Emo thing to me? I don’t get it.

You know what I hate? When people celebrate an accomplishment by putting other people down. I read a post this week that did just that and it completely turned me off to that person. There’s no need to be that hateful.

Speaking of hateful, you know what I find disgusting? Women who turn their back on other women. I hate when a woman states that she gets along with men better than women. When I hear that it’s like a big warning goes off in my head that says, “Don’t trust this one”. Women who say this are the kind of women who stab other women in the back.

I have always surrounded myself with other women. I love men, don’t get me wrong, but surrounding myself with women friends makes me feel secure. I know that they are there for me and know, really know, the things I’m going through. Women have a kind of compassion that men don’t have. I don’t mean that men aren’t compassionate, I’m just saying that it’s in a woman’s nature to be more nurturing and empathetic than men. That’s why I surround myself with women. I would be happy in the red tent with my soul sisters talking and sharing stories and legacies.

And if you are a woman who thinks that female traits or being feminine or surrounding yourself with women equals weakness, then I want no part of you.

I have a weird dilemma. I think chivalry is dead, but do I have any right wanting men to be hold doors for me when I want men to treat me like an equal? I mean, I hold doors for everyone (cause my mama taught me good) and try to be courteous all of the time. But, for instance, when I get up from my train seat and there’s a man sitting in the seat across the aisle I always think it’s rude if he doesn’t let me exit first. Is this wrong? Is this the price of equality? Am I just wanting to have my cake and to eat it too? (whatever that means, who would want a cake and not want to eat it)

That’s all I have right now. My period has made me ridiculously horny, so I’m going to take a cold shower cause I’m so fucking bored with masturbation that I just want the horniness to go away rather than have an orgasm. I’m so sad I just wrote that. I just need a man. A fuck friend who is also nice to me and gives me massages and brings me presents and runs me a bath and who is also my boyfriend.

Okay, I’m really finished with this post now. I have to be or I’m going to keep saying embarrassing things.

Kisses.

(Edit): I don’t think I clearly communicated what I was talking about with this whole women friendship stuff. I’ve been so tired this week, please forgive me. I’m talking about women who only hang out with men, not us normal people that have both men and women as friends. You know that woman, the one who has almost no real women friends. The real kind of friends, not the kind you hang out with occasionally. (Emotionally supporting, will come over and clean your house when you’re sick, first person you call when anything important happens to you kind of friend.) I know you know at least one of these woman-hating women. The one who puts down her own sex in a heartbeat. I’m talking about that woman. And for the record, if you have women friends that are stabbing you in the back you should get rid of them. Not all women are like this. Men stab each other in the back too and I hate that people mainly associate that kind of behavior with women.

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How has everyone been? I’m sleepy today. I am fantasizing about going to sleep. I want nothing more than to put my jammies on and curl up on the couch when I get home. But I can’t.

Why, you ask?

I have a date tonight. Yup. Another setup. Now, before you go lecturing me about how I should have learned my lesson by now about these bullshit setups let me explain something. I’m doing this as a favor for a friend of the family. I was begged to do it. Apparently, I’d be perfect for So’n’so’s son. The date is at 7, so no naps for me. I’m wearing pants and I’m not shaving my pits or my legs. That’s how much I care about this date.

What else has been going on?

Fuck if I know. It’s been boring around here.

I took my nipple ring out the other night. It got caught in the lace of my bra a few weeks ago and never recovered. I was tired of having a sore nipple for no reason. This is the same reason why I took the other one out last year. Oh well, they were fun for while.

I gave blood yesterday. Here are some pictures of my arm because I know you want to see my wound.


My arm right after, covered in iodine.


My arm right now. The little red dot is where they stuck me. Do you like the bruising? My arm is killing me today. I’ve never had pain after giving blood before. It sucks.

They now take the blood in a Red Cross bus. It was strange. I filled the bag of blood in 5 minutes. I shit you not. The nurse was also impressed by the amount of iron in my blood. The drop sank down to the bottom like a weight. She asked me what I eat because whatever I’m doing I need to keep up. I told her I eat lots of greens. She laughed.

Speaking of greens, it bothers me that people say they don’t eat any vegetables. I don’t understand this. I had dinner with a few friends last night and they declared that they don’t do veggies. Do they understand how bad that is. I eat shitloads of veggies everyday. And I may not be the skinniest person in the world, but I’m super healthy. My bloodwork and blood pressure are always perfect. I poop twice a day with no issues. I have great skin and hair. My nails grow like weeds and are strong. I might get 2 pimples a year and they are never more than little tiny bumps. Those few people I know who don’t eat veggies are a freakin mess. They have poop issues. And bad skin. They have brittle hair. I call them “skinny fat”. They might be really skinny, but they are unhealthy. Our bodies need the vitamins and minerals that veggies provide.

I know I know, I just told you all way too much about my poop. Sorry.

I think I might be obsessed with poop. Not in a sexual way (for all of the freaks and assholes who are reading this or searching for people obsessed with poop), but I really think that you can tell a lot about a person from the regularity of their bowel movements. I’m the shit psychic.

Okay, enough of that. I’m being silly.

My sister is having the baby, maybe, on Tuesday. It’s almost a sure thing, they just have to do one more test. I’ll have another little stinky. They’re naming him Colin. I like that name. I will definitely have pictures.

And now, please excuse me for a moment. I have something I need to say to a certain group of people out there. This letter will come across as cocky, conceited, and arrogant but I don’t care. I’m reached my limit. I need to get this out and vent.

***
Dear Weirdo male lurkers,

You never comment on here. You don’t even have a blog. Yet, you feel you need to email me with annoying pictures of your cocks or email me to tell me how much you hate me or, the latest and most annoying, you email me to let me know that you live in DC or Philly or NYC and that we should fuck. Some of you offer to end my dry spell like you’re doing me some huge favor. Seriously? I don’t know you. Why would you think I’d fuck some guy I didn’t know? You gonna pay me? Then don’t flatter yourselves.

Really. If I wanted to end my dry spell, I could anytime I wanted. Trust me on this. Not only that, I’m also too good for you. You aren’t worthy of my fucking gifted, no….prodigal way of fucking. I would make you cry for your mother, for your god even. Don’t doubt that. Okay? I would ruin masturbation for you, I’m that good. If there is anything in this world that I’m 100% sure of, it’s that I am brilliant when it comes to sex. So, why would I grant this gift to you? Even if these emails are a joke (even though I don’t think this is so), it’s wasting my time. Leave me alone.

I’m tired of being harassed and insulted. I’m tired of the strange, somewhat scary, emails. It’s not my problem that your life is filled with mediocrity, so stop emailing me desparate pleas for my company and affection. You’re pissing me off. I don’t think it’s fair that I should feel I have to look over my shoulder everywhere I go because of something you wrote to me.

The kid gloves are off. If you email me again with this bullshit, I will publish the email address and let them at you. I’m done with this.

Best wishes and get some therapy,
Debbie
***
And now we’re going to stroke.

To Do: 1. Get Hobby 2. Floss: I wish I could be this funny. Really, I do. She’s hilarious. And a great writer. This is one example of how fucking funny she is.

Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore: His life should be a sitcom. He makes me laugh, deep from the belly. The posts about his mother have me peeing myself. Hilarious. Go over. I don’t have one post to point out because it’s all good.

Wait….I’ll Think of Something: This is Katrice. She’s smart, funny, relevant, and charming. Her posts are a nice mix of current events, life stories, and random thoughts. I like her. She’s good people. I love her blog. Go over and read.

Water Water Everywhere: An American in Ireland. Pog is very literary. She’s smart. She’s a good writer. She doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass. She’s got her funny moments. She’s worth a look.

Weekends Off: I can always count on this blog to give me something good to read. Between the people at her job and the evil ex-husband’s wife and the crazy antics, I crack up. Often. Go check her out and be hypnotized by her flashing butt.

Stay tuned for the final stroke next week.

Have a great weekend and please wish me luck on this date. I’m gonna need it.

UPDATE: I’m home from the date. Woo hoo! It went pretty well. He didn’t do anything nuts or say inappropriate things. He was good looking, but not overly so. We only had dinner and drinks because I’m exhausted. Throughout the date, my mother kept calling me because my sister started bleeding again and we were afraid they would perform the C-section tonight. They’re just going to monitor her for now. My date was very patient and considerate about all of this. I felt horribly rude talking on the phone with him there. The night ended in the parking lot of the restuarant with a kiss. He asked me if he could which was very polite. The kiss ruined the whole date though. It was bad. Not one redeeming thing about it. The man is 35, so he should know how to kiss. Am I wrong that the lack of kissing skills bothers me? It turned me off completely. At least the date wasn’t a complete nightmare and this gives me hope.

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I had a whole post I was going to write about how an old tooth filling of mine fell out last night and how I went to the dentist and he put a temporary filling in and how he gave me pain medication because my mouth aches and how I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow for a root canal.

It was going to be longer and more in depth. And then I took the codeine. Yeah, I’m that much a wimp…codeine is making my brain mushy…deal with it.

I have a huge fear of the dentist. I’m going to have the shits tomorrow morning from this medicine and my nerves. I should take Imodium before I get the shits. You think that will counteract the poo?

You know, I’m talking about the poo because I’m feeling very relaxed right now. Not relaxed enough to poo right at this moment, but relaxed enough to write about my future pooing. I can’t stop myself from typing the word poo.

Poo, poo, poo, poo, poo, poo, poopy, poo, poo, poo.

Poo.

Okay, I’m done.

I will be stroking 15 people tomorrow. Yeah, I know. I’ll probably have to ice myself after. All that friction, you now. But, please tune in tomorrow for the stroking. I promise to wash my hands in between each so that nobody is getting sloppy seconds or thirds or whatever. Yeah, I know that was gross but I’ve had a bad case of potty humor all day.

And what’s up with men emailing me to ask me if I’m real? Who the fuck do you think is writing this blog? Am I a fictional character that exists only in someone’s mind? Yes, I’m fucking real. I just pinched myself and it hurt even on the codeine. So there.

I’m going to lie down now because I feel so relaxed that you could pour me down the drain. I need to zone out.

Night my sweeties.

One more time…..poo. Hahahaha.

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Friday night found me at the grocery store. Remind me never to go food shopping on Friday night again. It was a mob scene. I only needed a few things because I went to Trader Joe’s earlier in the week, but of course I got more than I needed because I love food and was hungry when I was shopping. It’s true that one should never grocery shop on an empty stomach. After food shopping, went to the liquor store for wine for my dinner party, and then to the produce stand for the veggies for my dinner party meal. I collapsed after putting everything away. I woke up about 6 times that night with explosive diarrhea cause I wasn’t suffering enough with my cold.

Got up yesterday morning at 7:30 AM with my ass on fire (but my stomach was better) and started cleaning. You know, the nooks and crannies kind of cleaning. I organized my shelves and cabinets. It took me 4 hours to get through my whole place. And when I was finished, it was awesome. I started cooking dinner at 4 PM and my guests arrived at 5 PM. The dinner was being served early because there was a small child coming and it wouldn’t be right to keep a 5 year old waiting until 6 or 7 to eat. The dinner was everything I love about dinner parties…everyone talking at once, sounds of hmmmm coming from people’s mouths, lots of wine consumed, and people rubbing their tummies from being full. I can honestly say that my dinner kicked ass. After dinner, we set the child up with a movie and toys in my living room while we adults played poker in my kitchen. They ended up bringing dessert, as I was in no mood to bake yesterday. We had cheesecake and it was yummy. I ended up winning most of the poker hands, even though I’m totally rubbish at bluffing or anything like that. I just had good cards. Everyone left around 9:30 and I cleaned up.

I didn’t do anything today. I didn’t even cook. I was going to make lasagna, but my couch was so comfortable. I feel like it’s midnight and it’s only 7:30. One of those days, huh?

I’m so glad this week is a short work week. I wish I had more fun stuff to talk about but my energy is sapped. I did post the recipe for the dish I served at my dinner party on The Home Cook. And I offered some tips on handjobs at Coquettishly if you’re more in the mood for sexual instruction talk. Sorry for shamelessly plugging my other blogs, but not sorry enough to never do it again. Oh, I need to shut up before I ramble on and kill you all with boredom.

Sheesh, this post sucks big time. I know it. I’ll do better next time.

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