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I wrote this to him. I never write these things to people. I don’t indulge in phone/email sex, except I did with him.

Hmm, shame…

First I’d like you to be on your stomach. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble relaxing and since my mouth will be otherwise occupied, you can enjoy this in silence. I’ll start at your toes and really use my tongue on them. I’ll lap at one foot and then move to the other. I will work my way up the back of your one leg and then when I get to your ass, I’ll move down your other leg. I’m going to spread your legs and kneel between them. I’ll lick and nibble your ass cheeks and then I will lick your spine in one long stroke starting at the top of your ass to your neck. Then I will cover your back and sides with my tongue. Your arms are next and I’ll pay very close attention to your shoulders and neck. I will nibble the backs of your ears and then move to the back of your neck where I will lick my way back down to your ass. I will be kneeling between your spread legs again, but this time I will lick the back of your balls and work my way to your ass and bath it with my tongue. <!– D([“mb”,”

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When I\’m finished with your back, you can roll over to your and I will start at your feet again. Working my way up one leg and then down the other. I will nibble your inner thighs and lick your balls and that space where your cock meets your balls. I will blow on that space after I lick it. I will lick my way up the underside of your cock because I know at this point you\’ll be hard. I will take your cock in my mouth for a second or two and then lick the tip. Next I will turn my attention to your stomach and chest, licking and nibbling my way up to your nipples. After I feel I\’ve given your nipples the attention they deserve I will again work on your arms and suckle your fingers. I will lick your palms. Next, I\’d like to you turn your head to one side so that I can get your shoulder and neck and ear. Next turn your head to the other side so that I can do the same there. When I\’m finished, I will lick at your lips and kiss you. Then I will work my way down again to your cock and make you cum harder than you have ever before. I\’d like to do this at my leisure, but no so slow that it\’s monotonous and boring. \n

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I can\’t believe I just wrote all of that. Now, I have to take a cold shower. I think I should send it before I change my mind and delete everything.

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Oh dear, what\’s going to happen when we finally meet? I don\’t think staying in public will make me keep my hands to myself.

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Debbie

“,1] ); //–>

When I’m finished with your back, you can roll over to your front and I will start at your feet again. Working my way up one leg and then down the other. I will nibble your inner thighs and lick your balls and that space where your cock meets your balls. I will blow on that space after I lick it. I will lick my way up the underside of your cock because I know at this point you’ll be hard. I will take your cock in my mouth for a second or two and then lick the tip. Next I will turn my attention to your stomach and chest, licking and nibbling my way up to your nipples. After I feel I’ve given your nipples the attention they deserve I will again work on your arms and suckle your fingers. I will lick your palms. Next, I’d like to you turn your head to one side so that I can get your shoulder and neck and ear. Next turn your head to the other side so that I can do the same there. When I’m finished, I will lick at your lips and kiss you. Then I will work my way down again to your cock and make you cum harder than you have ever before. I’d like to do this at my leisure, but no so slow that it’s monotonous and boring.

I never got to do this. Sometimes I still wonder what he tastes like.

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There things that weigh us down. Right now, men are weighing me down. The phone calls, booty calls. It’s bullshit. I get more phone calls from exes than I do with men who are currently interested in me.

Sometimes I feel like I should just pretend to be a prude. To be horrible in bed. Just to have the men have something else to like me for. Have you ever known a man that is only interested in you for sex? How about having every man you’ve ever come across be interested in only that? Even when you have shown him more than your sexual side?

I know that I have loved. I have loved deeply, but I seriously doubt I have ever been anything than a plaything or someone to fuck. It’s not that I’m easy or anything like that. I want to have intelligent conversations. I want to have deep personal conversations. I want nights of cuddling and intimacy. Without sex. Without the pressure to have sex. I want comfort.

It’s been a rare thing for me to get that. It’s happened twice in my life. And one of those times I found out the man was married. That’ll fuck you up.

The other was with Neil. Even though he said those things to me a couple months ago, I know that he had to have some kind of feelings for me. I’ve slept with many men and he made love to me, he didn’t fuck me.

Don’t you just get tired of the game? Have you ever been ready to throw in the towel? I’m close to that point. The reason I emailed Neil, I think, was partly because I wanted to feel wanted again. Attractive again. When I read his email I closed my eyes and remembered how good it felt to be held in someone’s arms.

I’m not going to give up. I know I have to keep moving. Keep living. But sometimes I just need to stand still and reflect. And try to get over my feelings for the pilot, my disappointment in J, and my lack of chemistry with G.

Eh.

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In ancient Greece the statue of the god Priapus, son of Aphrodite, stood erect–literally–in every garden as custodian of fertility and agriculture and as protector against thieves. Today very few people can give themselves the luxury of growing their own vegetables, and neither is there humor or space for a scandalous god in the garden, even though in the embers of our collective memory the success of the harvests is still intimately linked with human eroticism and fertility.

The taste, the nutrients, and the aphrodisiac power of vegetables and grains are directly related to their freshness. Buy fresh vegetables in the market, and choose them with care to be sure they are at their peak. If you can’t find what you’re looking for, don’t fall into the temptation of subtituting something from a can; better to change the menu.

In the game of food and erotic play, the most desirable shapes, for obvious reasons, are phallic and rounded: carrots and peaches; fleshy, moist textures, like tomatoes and avocados; the sensual colors of skin and the most personal orifices, pomegranates and strawberries; and lingering scents like mangos or garlic. May edible plants used and abused in erotic literature owe their reputation as aphrodisiacs to their appearance. We’ve all heard the stories about schoolgirls, young nuns, and lonely widows sinning with cucumbers. I’m surprised they haven’t been forbidden by religious decree, a precautionary measure the sultans of Arabia imposed on their harems. Men don’t like to be compared. Other vegetables recall female forms, round and smooth like breasts and hips. No one who has lived to adulthood and has held a fresh tomato in the palm of his hand and bitten into it, feeling its flesh in his mouth as juice streams down his chin, can escape the temptation to compare it with other oral pleasures.

Artichoke: A person who goes from lover to lover is said to have a “heart like an artichoke”, scattering leaves right and left. This vegetable is eaten with the fingers, slowly; there is something ritualistic about the process of stripping the artichoke, removing its leaves one by one to dip them in a dressing of oil, lemon, salt, and pepper and share them with your lover.

Asparagus: Those with thick stems, pale color, and a tip somewhere between rose and purple are the most aphrodisiac. They look like anemic phalluses. Green asparagus is the most popular but the least erotic-looking. In Sheikh Nefzawi’s The Perfumed Garden we find several recipes for reviving the enthusiam of the exhausted lover: “He who boils asparagus and then fries them in fat, adding egg yolks and powdered condiments, and eats this dish daily, will see his desire and his powers considerably fortified.” The best thing about this vegetable is its simplicity: from the pot straight to the lovers’ mouth. It must be firm. No one likes his spear wilted. To achieve that it is a good idea to cook your asparagus with the tips up; that way the stems, which are tougher, are cooked longer and the tips remain crisp. You eat them, naturally, with your fingers, slathered with salted melted butter. Could anyone miss this metaphor?

Beans: To Romans the bean was a stimulant and its flower symbolized sexual pleasure. Bean soup had such a high reputation for being erotic that in the seventeenth century beans were banned from the Convent of Saint Jerome in order to prevent inopportune excitation.

Carrot: This root, vulgarly called “widow’s consolation”, began to be cultivated in Europe during the sixteenth century and was brought to America by the first English colonists. Because of its vitamin A and its shape, it is ascribed the power to feed sexual appetites, but to tell the truth I don’t know anyone who gets excited over a carrot (strictly in terms of consumption, of course).

Celery: Madame Pompadour invented celery soup to inflame Louis XV when the fires of passion had cooled to dismal ashes, but in fact its good name as an aphrodisiac dates from the time of the Greeks and Romans.

Corn: Sacred plant of Native Americans, it symbolizes fertility and abundance. The poorer the indigenous people, the more extrordinary their culinary creativeness in ways to use the kernals.

Cucumbers: The only thing erotic about it would seem to be its shape. Its virtues are questionable; while in some regions it is considered a stimulant, in others it is regarded as having the opposite effect.

Eggplant: Thought to be a native of India that arrived in Europe with the incursion of the Arabs into Spain. Classed as a stimulant, especially when combined with other erotic ingredients such as garlic, onion, pepper, and various spices. In Turkey there is a classic recipe called imam bayildi, whose origins go back to an imam, who swooned with pleasure when his concubine served him this dish. We like to think that he recovered from his faint with renewed vigor. In Bali, on the other hand, men don’t eat it because they believe it kills desire, proof enough that eroticism depends more on illusion and faith than on physiology.

Endive, Escarole, Lettuce: In some European texts all varieties of lettuce are listed as stimulants. In other regions, however, an infusion brewed from lettuce leaves is calming and antiaphrodisiac.

Garbanzo: In The Perfumed Garden the young Abu El Heidja fulfills the Herculean task of deflowering eighty virgins in a single night, all thanks to the boost received from a succulent dinner of garbanzos, meat, onions, and camel milk.

Garlic: Essential for the kitchen. It is thought to be sacred, erotic, medicinal, and restorative and was for that reason given to athletes during the Olympic Games in Greece. So many curative properties are credited to it–even in cases of cancer–that it is sold in capsules for those who can’t stand the taste. Garlic has been used as an aphrodisiac from time immemorial, and the one condition in using it is that, as with onion, both lovers eat it, because you can smell it even on the skin. I don’t mind it; to the contrary, nothing excited me as much as garlic in the hands of a man who cooks. (And, by the way, today it is known that the chemical substance that causes garlic’s odor is also present in a woman’s sexual secretions.)

Leek: In ancient Rome and Greece leeks were imputed to have aphrodisiac value, possibly for their resemblence to the phallus.

Mushroom: Because of its color, and scent, it is reminiscent of the head of an atrophied penis–oh, very atrophied indeed. The simpler its preparation, the more intense the flavor. All you need to do is saute it in a little olive oil with garlic, pepper, salt, and a few tablespoons of wine, and then serve it on toast as a preamble to an impromptu assignation.

Onion: Fundamental in all kitchens, from the most erotic to the most chaste. A native of Asia. Chaldeans, Egyptians, Romans, Greeks, and Arabs all considered it aphrodisiac before Europeans ever knew of its existence. Sheik Nefzawi assures us in The Perfumed Garden, that after Abu el Heiloukh ate onions, his member remained erect for thirty uninterrupted days. Hmmm…

Pepper and/or Chili: Universally considered aphrodisiac, especially the hot red pepper rich in the alkaloid capsiacina. The flavor and name varies from one region to another, but under any name the pepper is a fiery component of all those erotic dishes that leave your mouth aflame and your imagination and appetitie for love roundly stimulated.

Rice: A symbol of fertility. When with greatest innocence we throw rice at the bride and groom as they leave the church, few people know that the gesture represents the ejaculation of semen.

Spinach: Native to Persia, rich in vitamins and minerals, it strengthens the body and the longing to make love.

Tomato: Native to America, the tomato should be catalogued among the fruits. The Spanish took it back to Europe under the names “Peruvian apple” and “love apple”. The red, juicy, sensual flesh created a scandal; so much credence was given to its powers that fortunes were paid for a single tomato. Virtuous women refused to eat it, but not their counterparts, who could then blame their peccadilloes on the irrestible tomato. This is one of my favorites. Salt and pepper is all I need to enjoy it.

Truffle: Called “testicle of the earth”, this fungus has an intense scent and flavor and for that reason is used in small quantities. Of proven reputation as an aphrodisiac, it is indispensible in tranditional French cuisine, especially in foie gras and in the preparation of of certain meats and fowl.

Turnip: It can be said that alone with onion and garlic, the turnip is the aphrodisiac of the poor. This humble vegetable is an excellent source of sustenance.

Watercress: Small leaves–innocuous in appearance and somewhat sharp in taste–the Romans called “shameless” for their supposed stimulating values. They grow near stagnant water, which is why it is recommended that they be washed thoroughly before being included in your salad.

Wheat: The oldest and most loyal from of human nourishment; like rice, it represents fertility. The shape of the wheat head is considered phallic, which proves that human imagination knows no limits. Long, long ago, loaves of bread were baked in the shape of genitals for Dionysian ceremonies. Not a bad idea at all.

Next time, I’ll uncover some meats and fowl.

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Aphrodisiacs are named for Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, who was born from the sea. Nearly all creatures that live in water are aphrodisiac. These treasures of the sea are rich in vitamins, minerals, and protein and low in fat. They have a delicious flavor and an aroma that evokes the most intimate regions of the human body.

I love seafood, or anything from the water really. When I eat seafood, it seems like I’m satisfying a very primitive hunger inside of me. It’s just gorgeous.

Abalone: It lives in a thick shell, adhered to rocks, usually in cold waters. Harvesting it is not an easy task. You have to sink into icy water, equipped with an iron bar to pry the abalone from the rock. There is a science to cooking it, and the person who doesn’t know it usually ends up gnawing on a piece of hard rubber, but when properly prepared it is delicious. It is widely used in Chinese and Japanese cuisines. I’ve never tried this, or even heard of it before, but I’m always willing to try new foods.

Clams and Mussels: These humble relatives of the oyster may be eaten raw with lemon, but they are better in soups and casseroles and also briefly baked in the shell with grated Parmesan, pepper, and a few drops of white wine. In shape they recall female genitals. I
absolutely love clams and mussels, especially in a red sauce over pasta. It’s just so good.

Scallops: The flesh, plump and white, normally is sold cleaned and ready to be cooked. They have a delicate flavor and enhance any dish. Scallops represent testicles in some cultures because of their shape and texture.

Squid and Octopus: These creatures seem to be from another planet but are a delicacy for those who learn to eat them. In Spain they use octopus ink to make a black rice so exotic that it would be inadvisable to feed it to nuns or widows for its ability to arouse is that potent.

Shrimp, Prawns, Crabs, Lobsters, and Other Crustaceans: Ahhh, my favorites. Tasty, decorative, and very aphrodisiac, thee are also easy to prepare–simply boil or broil or saute them–but sometimes you must have a heart of ice to kill them. To use the example of the lobster: you have to peg and bind its claws and submerge it head first in boiling water, turning a deaf ear to its faint moans, and cook it until the shell turns red. I remember my dad catching lobsters on dives and storing them in the freezer. When it was time to cook the lobster, I would run in another room because they cries would make me sad. But I would forget my sadness when I starting eating their succulent flesh.

Sea Urchins: The first person to open a sea urchin and place it in his mouth must have been very hungry. The mere look of it is daunting. It is eaten in Asia and South America, where it is thought to be more aphrodisiac than the oyster, but the rest of the world looks upon it with revulsion. It comes inside a dark ball covered with spines; the tongues–which aren’t tongues but genitals–are fleshy, and sensual, the color of peaches. They emit the intense odor of the ocean depths and something more, something indefinable but frankly erotic.

Oysters: Oysters are the queens of aphrodisiac cuisine, protagonists of every erotic sense recorded in literature or on film. The best way to eat them is raw, after squeezing lemon over them to test whether they are alive, because otherwise they are very toxic. The miserable creatures writhe in the acid. The flesh must look firm and plump, creamy in color, and float in the transparent, inoffensive-smelling liquid. Buy them already opened or eat them at restaurants, where someone else has been responsible for the work of preparing them, as they are very difficult to open.

Please check out a very aphrodisiac recipe for Boullabaisse and feed to it to your lover. I promise you will be very pleased with the results.

Check in for Vegetables: Aphrodisiacs Part 3 soon.

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I’m starting with fruit because it’s light and refreshing. Fruit is also very easy to eat with your hands. And easy to feed your lover. Its juices are sticky and sweet and tart…

Almonds: The almond is associated with passion and fertility. It is an essential part of Arabian pastries. In Italy it is used as a medicine and tonic for amours, which may be the origin of the custom of offering almonds before a meal with cocktails. It is supposed to excite women and is cherished in creams, soups, and massage lotions. In mythology, the almond emerges from the vulva of the goddess Cybele.

Apples: “Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples; for I am sick of love.” (The Song of Solomon 2:5) But the serpent convinced the woman, and she, in turn, her companion, and both ate “thereof”, and so began the problems of the human couple. The Bible does not say that the fruit was an apple. We must suppose that the fathers of the church–celibate and misogynist–chose the apple as the forbidden fruit because when cut in half its seeds appear arranged in the shape of a vulva, a part of her anatomy the wicked Eve used to tempt the virtuous Adam. At any rate, the fame of the apple in the duel of love s universal. It is used in many magic potions, philters, and enchantments. The liquors of the apple, such as cider, are stimulating and thought to rejuvenate. This is my favorite fruit.

Avocados: In some parts of the world, the avocado is considered a vegetable, but in fact it is a fruit the Aztecs called ahucatl, which means “testicle”. It is, however, a feminine fruit, with soft texture and delicate taste that more often evoke sensuality in women than in men. It was taken to Europe by the Spanish, who bragged about its powers of stimulation.

Dates: Rich in vitamins and calories; a handful is equivalent to an entire meal. The date provides energy and increases erotic potency in men and coquetry in women, more than enough reason to make it a staple of any diet. The fermented juice from the crown of the date palm is used to make an aphrodisiac liquor called palm wine. Dates are also very good in milkshakes.

Figs: In ancient Greece this fruit was one of the sacred foods associated with fertility and physical love. In China it was given to sweethearts, and in Europe it is considered aphrodisiac because of its shape and color; in some places female genitals are called figs, while in other parts of the world fig is a term for homosexuals. I love pouring a hot sweet fig sauce over ice cream.

Grapes: No self-respecting orgy can do without grapes. The fruit is associated with pleasure, fertility, Dionysus, Priapus, Bacchus, and merry gods in all traditions, because wine is made from the grape, and without wine any attempts at an orgy turn into collective boredom. Don’t you think?

Mangos: Mangos must be eaten naked, yes? That’s the way I eat them. They taste better that way. In Asia and Polynesia it is considered a male food because it resembles a testicle.

Papayas: When cut in half, its resemblence to the vulva cannot be argued. Its flesh is sweet and juicy and exotic. If you don’t believe me, look at the picture above.

Peaches: Perhaps the most sensual of all fruits, for their delectable perfume, soft and juicy texture, and flesh color, an eloquent representation of the female private parts. The peach is native to China, where it has been cultivated for more than two thousand years. Shakespeare knew its magical reputation, and in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the fairies use it as an aphrodisiac. Peaches are one of my favorite fruits.

Pineapples: Has a purifying effect. Slices sprinkled with chili powder is used as an erotic enhancer. Drinking the juice, even a small glass a day promotes the energies of love.

Pistachios: A small fruit very popular in all of Asia and mentioned in the Bible and in Persian and Arab writings. With true perserverance, women of the harem consumed honey cakes with pistachios to maintain their fleshy bodies and dimples, which in those days were appetizing and today, sadly, are not considered so.

Pomegranates: Brought to Europe during Arab invasions. In some erotic texts of the East, the pomegranate has aphrodisiac virtues and is associated with ceremonies of fertility. It is also used in the tradition of using the seeds at nuptial festivities as rice is used in the West. In Greece it is, like grapes and figs, a ceremonial fruit of Dionysian rites. It is also featured in one of my favorite myths, the one where Hades feeds Persephone pomegranate seeds thus sealing her fate to stay in the underworld for one quarter of the year.

Strawberries and Raspberries: Delicate fruit nipples that in the code of eroticism invite love.
Stay tuned for Seafood and Fish: Aphrodisiacs Part 2…

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I’m in a weird mood today. I’m sleepy, yet excited. Sleepy because I’m not sleeping well–again. And excited because I’m going dancing tonight. Here’s a look at my weekend. You’ll understand why I took Monday off.

Can you say Tango? I will try to take pictures with the new phone, but I’m not promising . My first priority is to dance until I drop and enjoy myself. If I forget to take pictures, then ooops. You’ll live.

Saturday: Have a huge barbecue to go to at my mom’s. Lots of booze, lots of crazy friends, lots of crazy family. I will take plenty of pictures here. Because you all need to experience this with me. I will be drunk by 3 PM. I know it.

Sunday: Huge barbecue for my brother-in-law’s 30th birthday. Again, pictures will be taken because you need to see this shit. They’ll all be there. I will need to be drunk ASAP, because the alternative is to be coherent amongst these people and that’s just too much to ask a woman.

Monday: Detox.

Okay, so you know I’m always honest on here even when it embarrasses me and makes me cringe. If you are a prude, faint of heart, under the age of 18, or sexually immature– you need to fuck off now and come back another time.

And I’m cringing…

I’ve been extremely horny lately. Actually for the past couple of months and it’s killing me. I know that I’ve written about how I need to have a lot of sex and I wasn’t kidding. I’ve been celibate (except for masturbating) since February. It’s getting to be a code red homicidal emergency. I have no patience. I get cranky. I get insomnia. It’s all I think about. It’s getting annoying.

My insomnia is also the result of me still getting a bit freaked out from what I shall call “The Stalker Email Incident”. Some of my insomnia is that I’m just a night person. Some of the insomnia is because I need to be fucked, a very long and exquisite fuck, so that I can sleep.

I wish I could say that it’s easy for me to find someone to have sexual relations with, but I’m very particular. It’s strange, but for someone so open about sex I’m not very easy. Because I’m not exactly interested in vanilla sex. I mean, it’s all nice and everything but when it’s finished I’m always left with that “I enjoy ice cream more” feeling. I need something a little dirtier. It doesn’t have to be less loving, but not so “romance movie”. A lot of the men out there think they are dirty, but they are just vanilla. At least the ones I’ve met and I don’t even fuck a lot of people, but I can pick it up from conversation. And from their reactions to the way I talk. Because, and I know I’ve said this before, I talk about sex like other people talk about the weather. I’m hardly ever shocked about sex. If I saw a couple fucking in a bathroom, I’d probably applaud them rather than be shocked. The more people having sex in the world, the better.

Now, before you go thinking I’m some crazy dominatrix or some kind of gimp (and what if I was?) or that I like to be pissed on or shit on or vomited on (and what if I did?) I will explain a few things. I’m not interested in the lifestyle of S&M or deviant sex. That is, I’m not going to live my life as someone’s slave when it isn’t about sex. Not when I’m eating dinner or doing laundry or watching TV. Not unless it’s going to lead to something. I’m not a submissive person in real life. Oh wait, I think I forgot to say something. You probably guessed it, but I enjoy the submissive role within sexual encounters. That doesn’t mean that I need to be spanked or tied up everytime I have sex to enjoy myself. It means that they are a nice enhancement to an already super fun activity. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t have control of what happens to me, because in all honesty it’s the submissive who has the power.

With me though, I think it’s the fact that I know my place within the sexual realm that allows me to be uninhibited and enjoy myself so much. I know myself.

This little thing about myself that I’m sharing with you has hindered me in many ways. Besides the obvious “trying to find a compatible partner” way, it’s also brought me a lot of grief in the “can’t separate Debbie having sex from Debbie real life” way. I don’t know if it’s a maturity thing or ignorance or where I live, but the few men that I’ve met with whom I’ve shared this side of myself, save one, have all said the same thing to me, “You’re just not girlfriend material. I want a nice girl.” Whatever the fuck that means. I’m one of the nicest people I know. What I think they mean is that they want a prude to show off to their friends and mommy, and then cheat with a bad girl (aka whore) like me. I’m not saying that in every case this is true, but it’s pretty close. I find that excuse to be boring. A cop out.

So, instead of fucking someone and then being chastised about my lack of inhibitions and then dropped like a ton of bricks, I choose to not fuck anybody right now. Until I can find someone who isn’t emotionally, sexually, socially and intellectually retarded. Someone who can handle me. It might be a long time before I get any. And that’s okay. I just hope I don’t kill anybody and (and this is probably closer to the truth) nobody tries to kill me.

I’m very sorry if this post was a case for the phrase TMI (Too Much Information), but I warned you.

So, get something to drink and let’s toast my sex life goodbye. Raise your glasses. Ready. Here’s to Debbie not getting any ass for a while. Now pour a sip on the concrete for my patience, for my sanity, and for my sleep.

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Last night I went over to the old lady next door’s house to give her back a container and she answered the door in her underwear. Yup, bra and panties (well, bloomers really). She invited me inside and then sat on the couch like she wasn’t in her underwear and started telling me about her pond in the backyard. I didn’t know where to look, so I stared just above her head.

My kitty, Stella, must have had poo stuck to her tail again. It’s the only reason I can come up with for why I stepped on a turd in the middle of the kitchen. In my bare feet. After gagging and cleaning off my foot and the floor, I found the little pisser and I was right, there was poop on her tail. So, I had to wash her off. This is probably the third time I’ve done this since I got her. Love is a powerful thing if it makes one clean shit off another.

I have finally committed myself to writing my book. I put it aside this past year because it’s kind of dark and it was getting too painful to write. But, I’m committed to finishing it. Because I don’t have anything better to do.

This morning while driving to work I saw a man, alone, sitting on his motocycle in a preschool parking lot. He was gazing into the sky. And all I could think about was this picture cause I’m a sick woman:

That’s all I have. Really. I’m boring. And bored.

UPDATE: I just called someone a dirty condom. I was on the phone with some guy who works for a pharmaceutical company and who can suck my asshole. He was giving me shit about me not being able to release an article to him (he’s not the fucking author, so tell me why he should get the article–he’s not offering me any free drugs, is he?). After 10 minutes of repeating myself to point of insanity, we hung up. That’s when I gave the phone a double middle finger and said, “You dirty condom.” I’m really sad because that’s the best I could come up with today.

In other news, my friend just called me because she needed my advice. It’s her husband’s birthday and she wants to give him some ass lovin’ tonight. I told her to go buy a book because I’m cranky and since I’m not getting any sex–I won’t be dispensing any fucking sex advice. She told me she’d buy me an ice cream cone (can you tell we’ve been friends for a long time), but I said NO. She said she’d buy me a drink and I said NO. She said she’d buy me dinner, a drink, and dessert and I told her to use a lot of lube, go slow, relax, open her sphincter like she was going to take a shit, and make sure the hubby doesn’t pull out too fast. It shouldn’t hurt if you follow those instructions, I told her. I also told her to remind her husband that just because he’s doing something “dirty” and excited about it–he best not forget to play with her clitoris. Then my lovely friend goes and pisses me off by saying that if it works, then she’ll call me to set up dinner. WHAT?!!!!? I give her my special secret when I’m getting no lovin’ and I’m cranky and she’s changing the deal! She’s lucky I’m at work, cause I’m cranky enough to give her a purple nurple.

I wonder if anyone else is going to piss me off today. Come on. Bring it on.

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