Heave ho heave ho

Sheesh, I haven’t posted in a while. I wish I could say that I’m too busy to post, but I’ve really been too lazy. And I really haven’t had anything to say. Life is kind of boring lately.

I will say that Mullet Man is gone for good. I spoke with the lady downstairs and she has met someone else and is really happy. She just got tired of Mullet’s bullshit. She looks radiant, so good for her. I gave her a high five which is a very rare thing from me.

That’s all that going on. I cooked a lot this weekend. I’ve been straight chilling and loving it.

I’ll leave you all with a really retarded and strange story from my childhood that still affects me today…

When I was little and constipated my mom told me the story of the men in my colon that would push the poop out. I guess they were like the Keebler Elves or something. So, she said that some days the men would be energetic because they ate their vegetables and got a good night’s sleep. On those great days they could push my poop out with no trouble. But sometimes, when they haven’t done what they should have they didn’t have much energy to push the poop. One these terrible days the men needed motivation to to push the poop out, so my mom told me I had to take a deep breath and chant “heave ho heave ho heave ho.” This would help the men push the poop out.

I’ve never forgotten this story and to this day when I’ve feeling a bit constipated or having trouble with my poo, I think about the men in my colon and chant in my head “heave ho heave ho heave ho.”

Yeah, that’s one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever confessed.

Before I leave you all, I just want to say that I’ve updated all of my blogs today (all four of them if you count this one). Yes, be impressed. They are all solid posts, so go and bask in my brilliance. I even posted 3 recipes. I’m telling you, it was a good day for my readers.

Love ya ma bitches.

Read Full Post »

A late stroke and my last days of peace before the Christmas craziness and will someone pull me out of Middle Earth?

Ugh. I’m finished my holiday shopping. And the wrapping. And the decorating of my apartment and I even put lights up outside. Fuck yeah!

I don’t have much to report in but the holiday stuff. I did have dinner with the old lady next door last night and it was really nice. She gave me a bottle of Bailey’s for Christmas and I’m on my second glass tonight.

I’ve been watching TBS all day, as they’re playing The Lord of the Rings trilogy today and I’ve been watching since the beginning. I love these books and I love these movies. So, I’ll be in Middle Earth for a few hours more and then I’ll go to bed and probably dream of Legolas making sweet love to me in the middle of Rivendell. There is something about a man with elf ears, huh? Just me….oh okay.

I’m going to my sister’s in Lancaster, PA on Thursday for a few days. She can’t travel due to the complications she’s having with her pregnancy. I’m excited to see her. I haven’t seen her in a while and I miss her. I’m going to help her clean her house and go grocery shopping for her because she is on bed rest and her husband has to work double shifts all week.

Here are some pictures of the Christmas fun from this weekend.


Stella’s stocking.


My “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree.


All of the presents wrapped.


Yummy clementine.

And now onto my stroking….I’m highlighting five blogs now because it’s going to take forever to get to the end just stroking three, and well I just can’t wait that long to stroke Lozo, I can’t lie (hee hee). Anyhow, here they are and can I admit that these are five of some of my favorite people around:

Enough Already!: Miss Thang herself, MG. She’s not so mean. I found her from a blogger I won’t mention ever again here. And I think she’s the only woman I’d let kiss me. Hee hee. I can’t believe I wrote that. Wait, yes I can. This is her second blog and she’s worth a peak. Not only is she funny and sexy, I love when she goes on a rant.

from the neck up: Oh Rosie! I love this girl. She’s Annoyed’s better half (he’d even say that) and I found her from his blog. She’s a great writer and I swear sometimes she’s my long lost sister. She thinks like me. She has great stories and great perspective and she knows something about life, which I think is very important. She’s also very brave and I have a lot of respect for her. So, go check her out and laugh very hard at this.

Green Apple Martini: I found HDW the same day I found Laurie’s blog. Laurie was yelling about a woman stealing HDW’s template and I clicked over and haven’t stopped since. I don’t know if I can give this blog or HDW any justice. She’s just the definition of class, wit, intelligence, love, warmth, and irony. I think Laurie said it best when she said that HDW has a way of writing about life that is funny without being snarky. I love HDW. She is one of the few bloggers I have met in person. I wish I lived closer to her, and some of you other bloggers, because she is all goodness and I need some of it to rub off on me. She’s a great friend and I need everyone to go over to her blog and see what blogging is about. She does it perfectly. Smooches sweetie!

High Desert Diva’s Dive: Another lovely lady I found from the unmentionable blogger. She loves food as much as I do. She’s a professional chef. A great writer. I wish I thought of some of her ideas for stories. She’s clever and witty and extremely intelligent. She has the cutest daughter. Please go check her out. I’m serious about how good she is. She’s also an awesome person.

hotwire reality: He’s one of my first readers. He’s got a great blog. He’s a talented writer and an amazing artist. Check this out. He has a way of making you breathe in the warm air of nostalgia in a way that few people I know can. He has a great point of view that makes for interesting posts. He’s good people and once you go to his blog, you’ll link him and be hooked. So, go already!

I updated The Home Cook (three dip recipes) and Coquettishly (anal sex) tonight as well.

Read Full Post »

I want to be your blowjob queen!?!

I just wanted to make sure y’all were paying attention.

There are two reasons for the above title. 1) I just posted about blowjobs on Coquettishly (god I’m a plug whore) and 2) the other day I noticed a weird site on my statcounter over at Coquettishly, so I went over to the site and noticed they took my profile picture (my kissy one featured here) and wrote under it “Does this woman have cum in her mouth?” and you know what….I do look like I have a mouthful of cum. Funny.

I did get some sleep last night, thanks to Lunesta. I was really petrified for a few hours. Luckily, I’m okay today. So far.

I made ravioli lasagna last night and it was fucking delicious. I’ve posted the recipe over at The Home Cook (plug whore) for anyone who wants to feast on this delicious meal. I think that one should feed it to their lover naked with some red wine and antipasto. Oh, wait. I don’t have a lover so I ate it fully clothed, on my couch. Hmmm, just a little bitter. I also posted a recipe for one of my favorite soups.

And that leads me to a question that’s been playing in my mind over and over again the past week…..why the fuck am I single? Honestly. Not to sound conceited because I’m certainly not perfect or even that cool, but I really don’t understand why I am single. Shall I pretend to be prissy, frigid, bad at sex, dumb, unaffected, helpless, and self-absorbed to get a man? Just curious.

I hate the Geico commercials with Mini-me and such. They make me angry and never want to look into Geico insurance ever. Couldn’t they stick with the cool gecko?

I watched the worst movie ever today, Message in a Bottle. All of that fucking buildup and then the guy dies. Listen movie people, I’m not happy about this. I watch a movie to escape reality for a few hours and not to be sad. Is it too much for a girl to ask that you give us a happy ending? I understand this is difficult if the movie is non-fiction, but this movie is a piece of fiction crap. Fucking bummer.

Read Full Post »

A very dull post…sorry

Friday night found me at the grocery store. Remind me never to go food shopping on Friday night again. It was a mob scene. I only needed a few things because I went to Trader Joe’s earlier in the week, but of course I got more than I needed because I love food and was hungry when I was shopping. It’s true that one should never grocery shop on an empty stomach. After food shopping, went to the liquor store for wine for my dinner party, and then to the produce stand for the veggies for my dinner party meal. I collapsed after putting everything away. I woke up about 6 times that night with explosive diarrhea cause I wasn’t suffering enough with my cold.

Got up yesterday morning at 7:30 AM with my ass on fire (but my stomach was better) and started cleaning. You know, the nooks and crannies kind of cleaning. I organized my shelves and cabinets. It took me 4 hours to get through my whole place. And when I was finished, it was awesome. I started cooking dinner at 4 PM and my guests arrived at 5 PM. The dinner was being served early because there was a small child coming and it wouldn’t be right to keep a 5 year old waiting until 6 or 7 to eat. The dinner was everything I love about dinner parties…everyone talking at once, sounds of hmmmm coming from people’s mouths, lots of wine consumed, and people rubbing their tummies from being full. I can honestly say that my dinner kicked ass. After dinner, we set the child up with a movie and toys in my living room while we adults played poker in my kitchen. They ended up bringing dessert, as I was in no mood to bake yesterday. We had cheesecake and it was yummy. I ended up winning most of the poker hands, even though I’m totally rubbish at bluffing or anything like that. I just had good cards. Everyone left around 9:30 and I cleaned up.

I didn’t do anything today. I didn’t even cook. I was going to make lasagna, but my couch was so comfortable. I feel like it’s midnight and it’s only 7:30. One of those days, huh?

I’m so glad this week is a short work week. I wish I had more fun stuff to talk about but my energy is sapped. I did post the recipe for the dish I served at my dinner party on The Home Cook. And I offered some tips on handjobs at Coquettishly if you’re more in the mood for sexual instruction talk. Sorry for shamelessly plugging my other blogs, but not sorry enough to never do it again. Oh, I need to shut up before I ramble on and kill you all with boredom.

Sheesh, this post sucks big time. I know it. I’ll do better next time.

Read Full Post »