Smelliness, the emergence of a 3rd comfortable shitter, and some help please

Did you ever have one of those days where you think you smell?  No?  Well, I’m having one of those days.  I’m pretty sure I don’t smell, I showered this morning and everything.  But, I keep thinking that maybe I do.  I think I look busted today, so I guess that might be a reason for my thinking I smell.  Oh well. 

We have a 3rd comfortable shitter on my floor at work.  She’s a new addition to the floor and apparently without shame when going poo.  I was in the bathroom tinkling and I heard heavy breathing and little moans coming from the stall next to me.  Now, as I was finishing up my business I figured that either someone was making love to oneself (I suppose some people are just so sexy they can’t wait until they get home) or someone is taking a highly enjoyable dump.  It was the latter.  How do I know?  Plop plop fart fart, duh.  As if the moaning and panting weren’t enough to classify this ‘lady’ as a comfortable shitter, she went a step further and solidified the new label by coming out of the stall with a newspaper in her hand. 

Like I have said before, you shouldn’t be that comfortable in a bathroom at work. 

And finally, I need some help.  People of the world, can you please tell me how Toby Keith is famous?  He scares me and I think he’s almost retarded.  Yes, explain this fame he has.

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So much for a sunny holiday weekend

It’s been a dreary weekend.  I can’t remember a drearier weekend.

Today is day 3 of a 4 day weekend and I can finally say that I don’t have anywhere to go or anything to do tomorrow.  Lately, I’m more of a homebody than usual.

I get into moods where I just want to savor my alone time.  I read and listen to music and go for walks.  But this weekend has been spent at various homes of family and friends.  All I’ve wanted to do is come home and read.

I’m reading the whole Harry Potter series right now.  I’m on Chamber of Secrets at the moment.  Is it sad that I’d rather continue my reading than go out?  Maybe I just need to escape life for a while.  So much has happened the past few months and reading these books is a great way to forget about it.

The kitties are doing well.  Hayden is an absolute sweetheart who cries when he wants to be held and during those times, I can walk around my apartment doing chores and he’s as happy as a clam in my arms.  Nina follows me everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  Roslin keeps her eye on the babies and me.  Stella is warming up to them, but is still acting quite possessive of me.

Ridiculous how complex cats are sometimes.

I saw my neighbor, Jim, naked again tonight.  What’s up with him skinny-dipping in the daylight?  I’m starting to think he wants me to see him since he knows I’m always in my office which overlooks the pool.

The old lady next door to me almost killed me driving to lunch yesterday.  She ran a red light.  Luckily, cars missed us but she seemed so unconcerned about what she did that I’m starting to question her sanity a bit.  She has a fish pond in her backyard and she accidentally killed all of the fish in it because she forgot to put the solution that kills bleach in the water.  She’s still sending money to Nigeria.  I just don’t know what to do with her.

My niece is coming home from the hospital this week.  My sister is excited.  My dad was granted full custody, so all is well there.

Nina just plopped down on the couch next to me, let out a sigh, and farted.  Kitty farts smell bad.

I counted my houseplants tonight and I have 14 of them.  No wonder it takes me a half hour to water them.

Tomorrow I officially start training for the marathon.  Yikes.  I’ll be running and doing yoga 5-6 days a week.  My ass should be magnificent after this.

Nina just moved closer to me.

My allergies are insane today.  Totally and horrible insane.  If I sneeze one more time, I’m going to lose it.

Okay, I’m rambling…so I’ll go.  Toodles.

Oops, Nina is now laying against me.  Little angel.

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And some random questions…

Some things I don’t understand:

1. Why the old lady next door won’t leave me be for one day? Every weekend, I always want one day to just unwind. I watch the shows I DVR’d (new word!), I read, I nap, and I write. I don’t get out of my jammies and I don’t talk. It’s nice. Or it should be nice. The old lady was yelling up at my window this morning. YELLING UP AT MY WINDOW! That just doesn’t fly with me. I hate people yelling for me anyhow, but I’m in my house…my private sanctuary…and she’s screaming up at me. I was so mad, my stomach was clenching.
2. Why do people still smoke? Tell me why. It is the worst thing you can do to yourself and yet people still do it. It’s not like alcohol, where having a drink a day is actually good for you, smoking will kill you. It will. And I’m an ex-smoker. I don’t even know how I smoked before. I find the behavior disgusting. My favorite smokers are the people that are supposed to be health freaks, work out and eat right, who totally erase all the good they’re doing to their bodies every time they light up. I just don’t get it. I don’t even know how they afford to smoke.  People need to stop smoking.
3. Why aren’t people more angry about our government? I’m not talking about those who complain in private. I want to know where are the protesters? When I really think about it, I don’t think the what’s happening today would have been tolerated in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s. The public didn’t stand for this type of government. They certainly wouldn’t have accepted the gas prices. Where are the fucking protests? Where are the discenting voices? How about we stop taking pharmaceutical drugs, we stop going to doctors who are educated drug dealers with credentials, we stop driving everywhere and get off our fat asses and ride a bike or (gasp!) walk, we stop paying more attention to who Lindsay Lohan is fucking and pay more attention to actual news, we stop allowing our public officials to get away with the corruption and start holding them to the promises they made when they were begging for our votes…does anyone care? I know people are lazy, but fucking hell.  I write to my officials/politicians once a week. I even check to see what my congressman and senator’s attendance records are. It’s interesting to see what they’re doing. And I don’t have any idea if they’re actually reading my emails, but I feel better complaining to those who are actually pissing me off than my friends. Now, I think it’s time the people of this country start getting seriously pissed. The government must be reminded that it works for us. It’s time to wake the fuck up. Stop shopping and watching TV and texting and emailing and dumbing down.  Let’s go.
4. Why are they opening up two Wallmarts near my house? This is destroying me. I hate Wallmart. I don’t shop there, will not shop there, and think that it is an evil company that is the exact opposite of what America is all about. Wallmart is new to my area. For years, there was only one store open about 45 minutes away from me. I was there once. I bought the 7th Harry Potter book there. But, I hated the fact that I bought it there so much I gave the book away and bought it again at a local small bookstore at regular price to appease my conscience. The company destroys small businesses and towns, and I still can’t believe that people actually shop there. I believe in karma and I cannot give my money to a company that is so disgusting. I’ll pay an extra 50 cents for shit. It’s not that deep. I will be so sad if my favorite hardware store and other shops close because of this.
5. Why I can’t say no to animals needing a home? I’m getting another baby. It’s a kitten. He/she is 4 weeks old and I’ll find out the sex when the woman takes the liter to the vet this week. I got Roslin from the same woman. The babies are being handfed, just like Roslin was. Their mommy left them and this woman called me because she just received the picture I sent her of Roslin. I sent the picture because Roslin turned one last Sunday. Well, the woman called me and I said yes and soon I’ll have three cats and that’s it. I’m going to have to seriously start dating or I fear I’ll have to allow everyone to make fun of me for being a cat lady. I wish I could take in all of the homeless animals in the world, but I can’t. I find it very hard to say no to these babies. I love animals. All of them. Even the gross ones. What can I say…deep down I’m a big softie.

That’s all for now. Enjoy some pictures of Roslin over the year.

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Oh, I love the gas

So now, for some reason, about 2 miles into my run I start farting.  Uncontrollable, loud, forceful farts.  It’s embarrassing.  It doesn’t matter what time of day I run or what I’ve eaten, the gas is there.

And that’s all I have to write about.  I had a gloriously boring weekend.

Two made up words I heard this weekend:  romantical as in “he was very romantical” and tooken as in “he was tooken to the hospital”.  Nice.

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Deborah…bee

My real first name is Deborah. Not pronounced like Debra, but like Deb-or-ah. It’s the old fashioned pronunciation. I love my name. It means bee.

Deborah was also a prophetess and herione in the Book of Judges in the Old Testament. She led the Israelites in defeating the Canaanites. I like having an ancient and strong name.

Deb-or-ah.

Most people call me Debra and I gave up correcting them. I don’t know why, except it’s easier to let it go than to have to explain why my name is pronounced that way and then having those same people look at me like I’m an asshole because they think I’m trying to make my ordinary name fancy. I’m not.

My name is Deborah. Deb-or-ah. Deborah.

I like bees. I respect bees. They have a purpose. More of a purpose than us humans, if I can be completely honest. We humans are like a disgusting virus on this Earth, multiplying and destroying everything in our path. But bees…bees are so fucking important. If the bees are gone, humans will follow quickly. This is what I believe.

What got me all crazy with bee talk is a book I read. I didn’t go to work today because I’m feeling under the weather, so I read a whole book. It’s called The Secret Lives of Bees. Reading this book made me want to crawl to South Carolina and live on a farm with beehives owned by beautiful black Southern women who have more love in their hearts and souls than anyone I’ve ever known.

It made me crave the spirit of women. I wanted to form my own hive and revolve around the queen…working with my sisters to keep the hive in order.

I also found out that it’s coming out as a movie this year. I can’t wait to see it.

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Come here at once

Ah, I just got out of a very hot bath and I’m totally relaxed.

I have random retardedness to talk about, so here it goes:

1. The construction guy that I’ve had a crush on for months was checking me out.  At least, that’s what I was told today.  He was waiting for the train and my stomach clenched when I saw him.  I got all kinds of nervous and ran to the next car.  He gets off at the same stop as I do, so I summoned my balls and walked slow so that maybe I could smile at him.  Yeah, I know.  Smile.  Very very forward.  Anyhow, I was walking in front of him and was told that he was totally checking me out with a smile on his face.  Maybe I’ll get the courage to talk to him sometime.  But, I’m so out of practice that I have no idea what to say.  How about “Hey, I’d love to be your blowjob queen” or “I need a good spanking” or “I give good anal”.  I know, those are really archaic and prudish.  Maybe I’ll start with a simple smile and a hello.  I’ll wait until we’re dating for a while before I go all old-fashioned on him like that.
2.  I’m having a love affair with mushrooms that is epic and awe inspiring.  I could make a different mushroom dish each day and be happy.  Nay…I could eat the same mushroom dish every day and still be happy because it has mushrooms in it.
3. The forest of Endor is currently residing on my legs and I’m not removing it until the weather gets warmer or I go on a fucking date.
4. I love the new show New Amsterdam.  That’s all.
5. I’ve lost 32 lbs since the beginning of January.  I’m working out 5 days a week and plan on running my first mini-marathon in a few months.  Bellydancing is still a lot of fun and I’m practicing yoga.
6. The last Harry Potter movie will be split in two and I’m happier than a grown woman should be.
7. I need some ideas for books to read.  Bring the recommendations on.
8. Is it bad that I was so engrossed in a romance novel I picked up at the laundry mat the other night that I couldn’t put it down to go to bed?  Yeah, I thought so.  Pathetic.
9. There is a huge billboard on the side of one of the roads near my house that features a woman on the toilet making a horrible face and the words “IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME?”  If there wasn’t so much traffic I would have stopped and took a picture.  The best billboard ever.
10. All of this religious text reading gives me a headache.  I have so much to say that I’m having trouble making sense of my frantic notes and putting everything in some kind of comprehensible paragraph.  All I have to say is that all roads from the garden are leading to more than just the Abrahamic religions.  I’m talking about deep reading into all kinds of texts that were written before the Old Testament.  I know that this isn’t a surprise to those of you who know something about history and human kind, but this study could seriously be a life’s journey.  I’m so fucking fascinated, challenged, humbled, and horrified by what I’m reading in all of these texts…especially the famous ones like The Old Testament and Qu’ran.  The politics and propaganda contained in these stories are amazing.  If there is indeed one almighty god out there, he is embarrassed and ashamed of us for writing these stories in his name.  The stories are so ridiculously human that I find it absolutely appalling that after several millennia of existence, people are still allowing themselves to be governed by a bunch of stories and duped by a bunch of people manipulating those stories to fit their own agendas.  Unbelievable.  What does Sophia say about this, I wonder?  You know, the gods didn’t give us humans such big brains if they didn’t want us to use them and question things.  And by things, I mean all things including religion and existence…not just how to turn lightening into managed electric.
11.  Wish me luck with the construction worker.  I haven’t been this squirrelly around a man in years.  No lie.  I’m fucking skittish, shy, and backward around him.  I want to bite his chin.  Yeah, I’m weird.

Okay, I’m back to watching American Idol and listening to Paula Abdul provide a perfect example of what the opposite of eloquent speech is.  It’s painful, isn’t it?

Kisses..

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The random

1. Overheard at the bank from woman who clearly looked like she was either a crackhead or mentally ill (same difference to me): “I need $200 cause I don’t have no damn money in the house.” She says this very loudly as she throws a check, deposit slip (or something that looked like one), and her ID at the teller yelling still “You do this cause it’s too damn confusing to me” while acting all squirrely like crackheads or crazies do.
2. I’ve been limiting my daily caloric intake at the moment to shock my body cause I need to lose some fucking weight. I ate way too much over the holidays. I’m eating 1,000 calories a day and guess what? It sucks. Hard.
3. My birthday is one week away and I still don’t have any solid plans. My friends suck ass. I hope I’m not alone and sad like I was last year. Then again, if I’m alone I will probably take myself to the movies.
4. I saw that construction worker that I had a crush on this summer yesterday on the train. I still lust for him. He’s cuter than I remember. Sigh
5. I was working out to a bellydancing DVD and one of the exercises was this. Go on and watch. No, go on. I’ll wait……Are you done? When you do this exercise before running it makes your ass feel awesome. No, really. I’ve never been so aware of my ass cheeks before. I imagine it’s a good party trick or sex trick. I’ll have to try it out whenver I have sex again.
6. I need to buy new socks.
7. I heard a rumor that the last Harry Potter movie will be released in two parts because they don’t want to cut anything out. This gives me deep joy and reason is because I’m a nerd.
8. I need to watch Buffy again. Once a year I need to watch all of the seasons. Still hasn’t been a show I like as much as Buffy and X-files. Maybe all of the writers on strike aren’t getting what they want because they suck. Hmm. Although, I do like that show Moonlight about the PI vampire. It’s hokey, but entertaining. Again, I’m a nerd
9. I freakin hungry.

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Get your Christmas cheer here…maybe

I’m tuckered out. I’ve been busy all weekend. Seriously busy. Christmasy busy. Therapeutic kind of busy, you know.

I did laundry on Friday night. I had….ready for it….9 loads of laundry to do. Wait, make that 10 since I had to wash my winter comforter. So yeah. Did I ever tell you all that I love to do laundry? Well, I do. I enjoy the mindlessness of it. The physical washing the smells, dirt, and sweat from the previous weeks. Starting over. The smell.

After laundry, I ran to the grocery store because no matter how many lists I make out I still forget some damn thing. I had to make candy and cookies this weekend, so I need the stuff.

By the time I got home and put all of my clothes away it was 10PM. I didn’t sit down to eat until then. I was exhausted, but I still had to strip the bed and put my winter comforter and bed skirt. Oy! I collapsed around midnight.

Saturday proved to be a marathon. I tore my apartment apart and cleaned it. Like, hospital cleaned it. Like, OCD cleaned it. I then decorated for the holiday. I took pictures and I’ll post them tomorrow or something. I then made candy. Loads of fucking candy. I’m giving little packages of candy as gifts this year. Cause I’m kind of poor. Seriously, I’ve already spent about $500 on Christmas already. So, I made some candy: spiced pecan and triple chocolate bark, white chocolate cherry bark, and dark chocolate cherry bark. Should be good, right?

Anyhow, I…AGAIN…didn’t sit down until about 10PM. I showered and collapsed.

Up again today to make cookies for “Cookie Day” tomorrow at work. I made pistachio/cranberry biscotti iced with white chocolate. I’m never making these again. Seriously. Fuck Giada DeLaurentis. These were the most difficult things I’ve ever made. I’d rather make bagels. I hope people like them at work because I freaking worked hard on them. I also made chocolate chocolate chip cookies.

I still have to buy some more presents and then wrap everything. I’m exhausted thinking about it. Tis the season.

Oh, and I’ll be in TN again at the end of this month. My mom and I are visiting my aunt. I can’t wait to see her and give her a huge hug.

One other thing and I’m going to lie on my couch like a blob. Do you know what is very unattractive? Men in low rise jeans. Now, don’t confuse this jeans riding low on a man hips. I like that. But men’s jeans cut really low for fashion’s sake. Just too hipster. Too deliberate. Too trying too hard. That’s all.

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Blisters ain’t fun, neither is coughing and phlegm

My week. Um, yeah. What can I say?

I have bronchitis. After taking two days off last week to rest my sick ass, I can’t take any more days off for a while. So, I’m working sick.

Coughing up a fucking lung.

I returned the $300 boots. I just couldn’t justify keeping them. I already have about 60 pairs of shoes. So, I hobbled over to Kenneth Cole and returned them. When the saleswoman asked why I was returning them I said, “I was drunk when I bought them.” She laughed.

My blisters are insane. The one on my pinky toe (wee wee all the way home) is so deep that it’s been bleeding all week. I haven’t been able to wear pretty shoes and anything less than two bandaids wrapped around it is excruciating.

On Monday I had to appear in court as a witness for Karen’s, the homeless woman, trial. I haven’t heard from her in about 2 months and so, I wasn’t feel that tickled about going. But, I got a formal subpoena and had no choice.

I got to the courtroom and Karen was there, looking clean and…well clean. I spoke with her attorney and then I approached Karen. She told me that she got help for her drug addiction and has been clean for about a month. And she found a place to live. She is living in a house with someone that her treatment program hooked her up with. The doggies are with her.

So, she turns to me with tears in her eyes and she says, “Debbie, I would never have gotten help and found a place to live without you and Gary helping me.” I gave her a hug.

I know that I was cussing her out and very pissed about her not contacting me. I felt duped and that I was taken advantage of. And now…

All I have to say is that helping people really does work.

I have officially canceled my radio show. I think that I can safely say that it’s the moment when this blog ‘jumped the shark‘. I’d rather save my good stuff for this space. We’re coming up to our two year anniversary here and I think that I can do better than I’ve been.

That being said, I’ve been thinking about something all week and I thought I’d share it.

I think people throw around the word bitter too easily. When someone is justified in their anger, frustration, annoyance, or mistrust, it seems people are quick to chalk it up to bitterness. Is that the right reaction? Are most of the people labeled ‘bitter’ really so? I want to hear from you, tell me what you think.

Oh, and I’m going to try to update all of my blogs by Sunday. And catch up with all your blogs.

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blah blah blah

1. I have 26 mosquito bites from Friday night. I counted them.
2. I have started running power walking despite my doctor saying that I have to rest my foot. Fuck it. I can’t just sit here.
3. My boobs are I’m very popular with the construction workers that ride the train when I’m going home.
4. Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide yesterday or this morning or something. You think his problem might have to do with the fact that he looks like an ugly version of Ellen DeGeneres? Is he depressed over that boring Kate Hudson? Or did he decide to watch Shanghai Knights again and realized how much it blew?
5. I know that was just heartless, but I wish I were a millionaire actor the world catered to. Boo fucking hoo. He’s an asshole.
6. Did I mention that I’m allergic to mosquitos? I think the key to making them stop itching is to scratch them until they bleed. My feet look like I’ve got some kind of disease.
7. I don’t feel like shaving my legs tonight. I really really don’t. But I want to wear a skirt tomorrow. Oh, the dilemmas I face.
8. Mullet Man, my former downstairs neighbor, was kicked out. It’s been a week and the woman downstairs says she feels better than she’s felt in a very long time. I’ll tell you, it’s been quieter than ever since he’s been gone. No doors slamming, no loud footsteps, no disgusting coughing, no yelling. I’m loving it.
9. Um, is there anyone who doesn’t know why Scott Baio is 45 and single? He’s the old guy at the club trying to be relevant and cool that everyone is making fun of. Do we need a show to reveal this?
10. I have a secret blog and although I’ve given the address out to a few people, I think I’m ready to give the address out to those who are interested. I think the information on this blog is important in understanding me.
11. Lucky eleven. I’m going to soak my feet now because my bites are driving me NUTS.
12. I want sushi. Now.
13. Why do woman wear shoes they can’t walk in? If you can’t walk in heels, hey guess what….don’t wear them. These women look ridiculous.
14. I just saw a bunch of men practicing kissing on a peach in a television show preview. Not a peach like a vulva, but the fruit that is a peach. The men didn’t look like teenagers. They were grown. Um, this is why some young men need hookers. So they don’t have to suck face with a piece of fruit. Just saying.
15. I don’t have a number 15. I should have stopped at 10. Or 11. Whatever.

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