I’m here and I’ve been writing like a crazy person…

…just not on this blog.  I’ve been writing my book.  Seriously…I’ve been writing a couple hours a night and I’m almost finished the first chapter.  Between writing and research for the book, and work and real life, I haven’t had time to update this little thingy.

But don’t worry.

I have several things I have to talk about which I will get to this week.  I promise.  Here they are, just to tease you and make you check in:

1. I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance that infuriated me.  It’s about love, sex, and marriage.
2. My heart is a whore and I’m trying very hard to learn how to be different.  I will explain.
3. The sale of the deceased old lady next door’s things.  The yardsale is this coming weekend.  I’m emotional about it.

I will also try to catch up on all of your blogs.  I haven’t been reading anything.  I’m such a bad blogger.

Talk to you all soon.

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And another part of my world just got rocked.

Last night, I was reading when I heard the old lady next door’s, BJ’s, car start.  I didn’t think anything of it because she always came and went whenever.

This morning, I saw that my mailbox was open.  Inside was a plastic bag with strange contents; girdles, panties, a change purse with a bunch of rings, and an Avon box with brand new jewelry in it.

I thought this was a weird thing.  BJ always left things in my mailbox for me.  Sometimes they were weird, but never this weird.  I just figured that she just wanted to give me some stuff.  I didn’t really look that closely.

I went to work and everything was normal.

I came home and saw two men in suits getting into cars parked in front of my house.  I thought this was strange.  When I pulled over to wait for them to leave, one of the men asked me if I lived there.  I said yes and couldn’t shake the ‘something is wrong’ feeling.

I notice that another neighbor’s, Mark’s, truck is parked in her driveway.  This isn’t unusual, but I still had an uneasy feeling.  I got upstairs and called her house.  Mark answered.

There was definitely something wrong.

I asked to speak with BJ and he had he unfortunate task of telling me that she ‘did herself in’ last night.

“What?”

“She killed herself last night?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry o be the one to tell you.”

“How?”

“She shot herself.”

“What?”

“She got everything in order yesterday, put all of the paperwork, will…everything in order, put her cats in the carrier, drove to a cemetary that was build on the land her grandfather owned (where she grew up), shot the cats, and then shot herself twice in the chest.”

“Oh my god.”

I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  Something in my mind cracked.  It’s still cracked.

BJ was one of my best friends.  I loved her.  When I was down and out, she helped me like her long lost granddaughter.  We looked after each other.  She drove me crazy and was stubborn and annoying, but I wouldn’t have had in any other way.

The fact that she felt so distraught that she had to end it all, it kills me.

What was she distraught about?  Money.  She lost everything in the Nigerian scam and instead of coming to us, she ended it.  She even sent an email to those crooks telling them that by the time they read her email, she would be dead.  She was about $200,000 in debt.

The fact that she shot the cats is even more disturbing, as she didn’t have children and they were her babies.  She would beat your ass is you looked at them wrong.  I can’t imagine how broken she must have been to take a gun and shoot her babies, and then after that shoot herself.  Maybe she was afraid that nobody would have taken care of them.  I don’t know.  I just keep thinking about her doing that.  It’s so upsetting.

But, she ended it on her own terms and she took her babies with her.

She left two notes for Mark.  She left the underpants (which from the look of them were given to me because she didn’t want people going through them) and jewelry for me.

That’s all that we know of.

She was 78 years old and it breaks my heart that she let money destroy her.  Money is just money.  It doesn’t really mean anything.  In the big picture, it doesn’t mean anything.

And yet, it destroyed one of the strongest people I know.

I am so heart broken and sad.  I wish I was magic.  I wish I controlled time.  I wish I could go and heal her.

I’m so sick of death.

Somebody come and hold me.

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My first podcast…

Please listen here.

Oh, and if anyone knows how to embed a player in a post on this fucking shit site called Blogger…can you please, pretty pretty please tell me? And if you are so kind, please explain as if you are speaking to a very retarded person.

Thank you.

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Hiroshima

It was 62 years ago today we dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Approximately, 140,000 people died from this bomb in Hiroshima alone. Most of these people were civilians just going about their day.

3 days later, we dropped another atomic bomb on Nagasaki. Another 74,000 people dead. Mostly civilians.

In the years after, 160,000 people died from radiation poisoning.

Man is a disgusting creature.

We have no business being so righteous in this country.

Let’s hope nobody ever uses these types of bombs again. Although, I think that hoping for this might be a fool’s dream. I believe in my lifetime or my children’s that someone somewhere will be dumb and soulless enough to use nuclear weapons again.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”—Albert Einstein

“Let me say only this much to the moral issue involved: Suppose Germany had developed two bombs before we had any bombs. And suppose Germany had dropped one bomb, say, on Rochester and the other on Buffalo, and then having run out of bombs she would have lost the war. Can anyone doubt that we would then have defined the dropping of atomic bombs on cities as a war crime, and that we would have sentenced the Germans who were guilty of this crime to death at Nuremberg and hanged them?”—Leo Szilard

”He knew he was beginning the process of annihilation of the species. It was not just a war crime; it was a crime against humanity.”—Peter Kuznick about Harry Truman

“The Japanese had, in fact, already sued for peace. The atomic bomb played no decisive part, from a purely military point of view, in the defeat of Japan.”—Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, Commander in Chief of the U.S. Pacific Fleet

“The use of [the atomic bombs] at Hiroshima and Nagasaki was of no material assistance in our war against Japan. The Japanese were already defeated and ready to surrender.”—Admiral William D. Leahy, Chief of Staff to President Truman

It’s good to remember these things, so that they never happen again.

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Afraid we’ve been changing in a way I’m not loving

I don’t like the direction this blog has been going. Or the direction I’ve been going. Not sure which. The posts over the past couple of weeks have sucked bad. It’s pissing me off. I feel like, compared to posts I wrote at this time last year, that I’ve lost a bit of my voice. Maybe the general boredom I’ve been feeling in my personal life has been coming through here and the posts sound bored and uninspired, for the most part. So, with that said…I feel like I’m getting my spark back.

The bitch is back.

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I’m also not happy with the state of the world, like anyone is, and I feel like I should write about it. I think our world is disgusting and most people are lazy. When did people stop trying? Everyone wants life to hand them a job, a paycheck, a lover, etc… It’s pathetic. People don’t want to work for anything. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. Doesn’t matter if the person is stupid or untalented or uneducated or ignorant, gimme gimme gimme. We live in a world where mediocrity is not only acceptable, it’s celebrated. This holds true for music, TV, cinema, literature. Apparently the ‘gimme gimme gimme’ is working because people have no bullshit radar and will buy into anything that doesn’t make them think. If you think about how many albums, movies, TV shows, and books are published, it’s disgusting. How can that many projects have integrity? They don’t. About 1% of the shit out there is worth buying. The rest is fucking crap. And yet people eat up the mediocrity (if it’s even that) like it’s the most profound shit they’ve ever seen. Gimme gimme gimme. These crappy things take no thought or effort to get through at all. Lazy. Gimme gimme gimme.

—

I’m so glad that we needed a huge concert held on 7 continents to remind people to be ecologically and socially responsible. Although I appreciate the sentiment (the lazy stupid lemmings of the world need their favorite celebrity to give them their information—–god forbid they read something other than the tabloid shit!) this kind of shit irritates me. I hate when millionaire celebrities try to act like the give a fuck. If they gave a fuck, they’d understand that making $20 million for a film is just fucking disgusting and an insult to any cause they choose to adopt.

Go here and here for information about the damage we have done to the planet and what you can do to change. Please do not leave any comments or email me telling me that global warming is fake. If you believe that then you are a complete idiot and I just can’t deal with you. Only a very ignorant, uninformed, and sick human being wouldn’t believe that we are destroying our home.

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So, now that I weeded out the people that only come here for the drama…let’s move on.

I am starting my ninja training hardcore tomorrow. For those of you who are new, yup I wanna be a ninja…hee hee. Anyhow, I’m getting up at 4:30 AM to go for a run and then doing yoga after work. I’ve been running in the evenings, but it’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow so I figured I’d start doing the outside workout really early. Besides, I want to be this for Halloween and I have to get on it.

You know what? I know that I’m usually a sub in the bedroom there is something in me that wants to use that riding crop on someone’s ass. Bad bad bad boy!

Random thought, forgive me.

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We interrupt this post to bring you a cuteness update.

I have a kitten on my chest right now. She’s sound asleep. She and Stella are getting along pretty well. The only time I’m putting the kitten in the bathroom now is when I leave the house and when I go to bed.

Did you know that a kitten’s ass is the smelliest and grossest thing ever? Roslin farts all of the time and they smell like something is rotten up there. It’s killing me.

—

Friday night, I went to another outdoor concert with my sister. She brought the baby and my nephew Rylee. My sister bought Rylee a lightsaber and he made friends with a boy at the concert. Soon, they were in a full battle that would make Darth Vader proud. I was kind of jealous cause I wanted a lightsaber.

My sister started talking to the other boy’s mother and father. I walked over to say hi, and to give my sister the baby, and I see that the couple’s single friend is standing there. He was only kind of good looking which is perfect because that’s what I like. I wasn’t feeling that great that night and was wearing baggy pants and a t-shirt. I caught the guy checking me out several times throughout the night which was nice. I haven’t been paying attention to guys in a while. At the end of the night, we were all talking about Harry Potter and how we can’t wait for the new book to come out, and the woman was saying how she hasn’t read any of the books when the single guy says, “I don’t read. I manage 200 people and 4 departments at work.” I thought this was weird to say, it seemed random, until my sister later told me that she thought he said it to impress me. Who knows why he said it, but he’s the first guy I’ve been interested in months and it felt good to check someone out like that.

—

I’m fucking sore today. My mom had a barbecue for her birthday and all of the kids were there. I swam from noon until 8:30 PM. When I say swam, I mean that I jumped off the diving board about 30 times with the kids and then we played a pool game where I was paddling in the deep end for a few hours. I’m exhausted.

On a funny note, I had to shave my bikini area because I didn’t have time to wax and I wanted to be nice and neat for family day at the pool. So, after a few hours in the pool I feel some intense itching. Apparently, the chlorine was irritating my newly shaved skin. I felt like Steph in this post, except I’m around a bunch of kids and family. Yikes. I ran into the bathroom and scratched like a madwoman. The rest of the night my crotch was quite uncomfortable.

Here are some pictures from the day. Be warned,they are cute.


I love this picture. Such a cutie!


Rylee looking cool.


Morgan being the crazy girl she is.


Mom holding Colin in the water.


Look at the bugger. Adorable.

I also made red velvet cake from scratch for my mom. It turned out amazing. One thing about it though, it turns your poop bright red. Or at least, it’s turned mine bright red. I have some calls in to confirm that it’s turned the other’s poop red too. I don’t know why I need to know, but I do.

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That’s it bitches. I’ll see you later. I’ll be posting the recipe for the cake later on The Home Cook and I might be updating Coquettishly, I’m not sure if I’m that motivated today.

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Pissing me off like a motherfucker or whatever that means…

Did you hear the news? Huh? Read this article and come back. I’ll wait. You know I’m patient like that.

Can someone tell me what the hell is wrong with this guy? Can’t we fire him? Fucking thieves, murderers, and cheats is what our current administration is. I am livid. Why can’t we impeach him? Hasn’t he lied enough? A war based on misinformation and lies. Billions of dollars down the toilet. Our brave soldiers dying. Innocent Iraqi’s dying. For what? And now, blatantly abusing his executive powers for the good of his fucked up deluded agenda. He’s been busy the past week doing this. Also read this.

I’m just more and more embarrassed to call myself an American. We need to start making this administration accountable for what they’re doing. I emailed all of my politicians, including the White House (I know it won’t be read, but I just feel better doing it), and told them they should be ashamed of themselves for letting him get away with this for so long. He needs to stay out of the law enforcement and judicial matters, and get with the business of the nation. You are not king, George. Sorry, but you’re not.

Come on people, it’s time to do something about this shit.

Grrrr.

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Let’s number some random thoughts in my head today:

1. Stella and Roslin met last night face to face and it wasn’t that bad. Stella hissed and growled, and Roslin looked at her like “Hey big cat, how are you? I’m cute.”. That kitten was hopping everywhere. It was so adorable. Stella has finally stopped hissing when she walks by the bathroom door, which is progress. She’s also been very needy, but I love my girl so I don’t mind holding her and petting her a little more. I can’t wait until the kitties are fully integrated. I can’t wait to have my bathroom back to being just a bathroom.
2. I love Hell’s Kitchen. Cracks me up. Gordon Ramsay is pretty freakin hysterical.
3. After today, I’m off for the next 5 days. It’s gorgeous. I have no idea what I’m going to do, but there are lots of parties and things that I might have to pop in on.
4. I was thinking hard about this, and I miss the Pilot. I really do. Isn’t that weird? Emotionally, the relationship was lacking but as far was the intellectual stimulation and sexual chemistry went…it was perfect. Eh. I usually don’t dwell on these things, but the other day I realized that I miss those things and wish I could find someone emotionally evolved and highly intelligent with a serious sex drive. The men I meet lately are either push-overs, dumb, or just plain boring. It sucks.
5. My aunt, the one who doesn’t work because she thinks that she needs to be supported by her ex-boyfriend (yeah, I spoke of her on my radio show), has put in applications at various businesses in the area. I’m proud of her. Working is good for the soul and nothing is better for self-esteem and confidence than earning your own living. It makes you a better person, inside and out. She deserves to live a better life and no-one is going to hand her anything. And her finding work will make an impression on her daughter, who is 17 and should have a job too. I wish her the best of luck finding a job.
6. My grandmother, my nan, has been trying to reach out to me for a relationship. I stopped talking to her years ago after some really fucked up shit happened in our family. Things I’m sure I’ll write about here at some point (we’ve only just begun to tell my story), but for now just I’ll say that my nan felt that I should have stepped in on this situation and fix it. She wanted me to be the family’s therapist. Well, I told her no and this created a whole shitstorm. I’d have to really go deep into my past to talk about my nan, but just know that I was also very angry with her for not being there for my mother when she battled breast cancer. She only visited her once. Never called. Imagine your mother visiting your cousin who had carpal tunnel surgery, but not visiting you–her daughter who just lost a breast and was now on chemo. Anyhow, it’s a long story but I feel that I need to allow for this relationship with my nan. She’s getting old and has never been in good health. It’s been about a decade since I’ve allowed her in my life, but I think it’s time.
7. Life is weird.
8. I was at an outdoor concert on Friday night and saw a very strange looking woman coming up the aisle. I turned to my sister to point the woman out to her and when I turned back to the woman, I saw that she had fallen and scraped her chin. I felt really bad because this either means that it’s the Gods way of telling me to behave or my powers are getting stronger. (Cue creepy Vincent Price laughter…)
9. Did anyone watch the concert for Princess Diana? Yeah, me neither.
10. I’m officially looking to buy a new car. Not brand new, I just don’t care that much about cars, but something newer than what I’ve got. It’s time.
11. It’s summer reading time and I’ll be starting on reading one of my favorite novels tonight…Anna Karenina. Love the Russians, they know something about life. Next, I’m going to reread Dante’s The Divine Comedy (this is one of the best titles of something ever, given the subject matter) because it’s summer and hot and I think it’s a brilliant piece of work and an historic piece of propoganda. Did you know that before this epic, hell wasn’t really defined as something specific? Dante’s perception of hell in this allegory is the foundation in which our modern views of hell are. Interesting, hmm?
12. I hear James calling me and shall be reading Ulysses again this summer. It’s one of the most challenging books I’ve ever read and everytime I let it pull me in I learn something new, something important about life themes and human nature, something important about the English language, something important about how to write. You should read it. But first, read the Odyssey and be familiar with the stories of Greek and Roman mythology.
13. I love Greek and Roman mythology.
14. This article was interesting, go here.
15. I don’t have a 15. I just wanted a nice number to end on.

So, have a great 4th of July. In honor of, let’s read the Bill of Rights cause we might not have them much longer.

Cheers.

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Big guns, both real and figurative

Why do people have to kill other people? I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about, unless you live under a rock (which is where some of the anon commenter’s must be from). This kind of violence just doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. If you want to die, just kill yourself. Why take other people’s lives because of your inability to grasp sanity? I’m pretty sure I read something about the 9th level of hell being where they ass rape you with a cactus for all eternity, and I’m hoping that’s where this piece of shit goes. One can only hope.

I’m so sad for the victims and their families. Such a tragedy. Such a loss. What we need right now is some healing…..am I right?

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In other news, I saw the scariest thing ever today. Before you follow the link, make sure there are no children, asshole coworkers, or bosses around. All clear? Okay. Go here….

I’ll wait…..

I know, it’s pretty scary right? You can look at it again. I know you want to. I had to look at it a few times, just to make sure it’s real and not trickery.

I don’t think a penis should be that big. That is not hot. That looks like it would kill you. When I saw that picture, my vagina started screaming and my cervix got a baseball bat to protect herself and even my uterus was bracing herself. I almost feel sorry for the guy, because I’m not sure there are too many women who are up to that challenge. I don’t feel totally sorry for the guy though. You know that he gets all kinds of joy whipping that shit out for show and tell. So, it’s giving him some pleasure.

So, my date got cancelled tonight. John was on call and had to go in. Yeah, it sucks but to be honest I’m really tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night. The howling wind and rain kept waking me up. I’m totally going to bed early.

Word to big bird.

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