I’m here and I’ve been writing like a crazy person…

…just not on this blog.  I’ve been writing my book.  Seriously…I’ve been writing a couple hours a night and I’m almost finished the first chapter.  Between writing and research for the book, and work and real life, I haven’t had time to update this little thingy.

But don’t worry.

I have several things I have to talk about which I will get to this week.  I promise.  Here they are, just to tease you and make you check in:

1. I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance that infuriated me.  It’s about love, sex, and marriage.
2. My heart is a whore and I’m trying very hard to learn how to be different.  I will explain.
3. The sale of the deceased old lady next door’s things.  The yardsale is this coming weekend.  I’m emotional about it.

I will also try to catch up on all of your blogs.  I haven’t been reading anything.  I’m such a bad blogger.

Talk to you all soon.

Read Full Post »

I have seen too many of my neighbors naked!!!

One fine Sunday evening, Debbie was minding her own business cleaning her overly cluttered office.  She was even whistling.  It was a very bright evening, mid-June and all it’s long-dayness, and she had the lace curtains drawn.  She sat down in the chair at her window to go through some papers when a movement in the backyard caught her eye.

 

She peaked through the curtains in time to see the woman who lives downstairs in the pool naked and handing up her just-discarded bathsuit to her boyfriend.  Now, this woman in in her early 60’s and is also a bit of a relative (sister-in-law’s mother) so Debbie was a bit horrified to see the woman naked.  She was even more horrified to see that the boyfriend was pulling down his bathing shorts.  She had no idea that things were about to get even more horrific.  Like can’t take your eyes off of a car crash horrific.

 

The boyfriend got into the pool and without out any warmup, how-do-you-do, tickle tickle, or whatever…leaned the woman up against the side of the pool, turned her around, and started humping her with the abandon of a monkey in the wild.

 

Debbie couldn’t look away because she was having a hard time believing what she was seeing.  The yard had no fence, no privacy, and it was daylight.  The phone rang suddenly and Debbie saw it was the old lady who lives next door, whom Debbie has also seen naked…another story, calling.  The old lady was calling to tell her that the neighbor on the other side of Debbie’s house was in his kitchen watching the monkey fucking. 

 

Debbie started laughing.  Hard. 

 

In a conspiratory whisper she asked the old lady if she wanted to come up and see the action.  The old lady said she would go out her front door and sneak up the steps quietly as to avoid interrupting the monkey fucking.  When the old lady go into the apartment, she and Debbie watched in fascinated horror at the monkey fucking.  Suddenly, the old lady said, “Wow, look at him go.”  This statement made Debbie burst into a laughing fit of a lifetime.  The old lady went on to say, “Well, I’m surprised he’s moving so fast…you know he’s the slowest son of a bitch I’ve ever seen.”  Ribs hurting, lungs straining to breathe, and tears flowing down her face…it took all of Debbie’s energy to stay upright, let alone answer the old lady. 

 

Finally, the monkeys reached their peaks and the fucking ended.  The old lady left.  Debbie went back to her chores. 

 

A half-hour later, Debbie was taking a bag of trash outside when she heard the man who lives on the other side of the house yelling across the yard, “Hey guys, I’m real happy you’re enjoying yourselves but you don’t have a fence and it’s broad daylight and I just watched you fucking from my kitchen window.”  With a hand to her mouth to stop the shout of laughter from escaping, Debbie ran back upstairs to her little birdhouse and continued to clean in order to put the monkey fucking out of her mind. 

 

A few minutes later, the old lady next door called to tell Debbie that she had been thinking about it and said the following, “You know, he drinks a lot of beer so he probably can’t get that many erections.  They probably didn’t want to waste it.”  Debbie didn’t know what to say to this because it was hysterical and probably the truth and the old lady next door is 78 and Debbie felt that there weren’t many opportunities in life to hear a woman of that age talking about erections and not wanting to waste them.

 

Debbie spent the rest of the night calling friends and telling them the story of how she has now seen 4 of her neighbors naked and about the monkey fucking.

 

The end.

Read Full Post »

Come board this lunatic express–Part 2 with an extra caboose added for my neighbors

The old lady next door is still fucking sending money to Nigeria and other parts of the world. I have told her it’s all a scam. I yelled at her the other night. I have tried to persuade her to use common sense. I’m so worried for her. She’s absolutely stressed out and I know she’s embarrassed about all of this. Except taking her computer away, I have no solution to this problem. She has no family and so far I’m the only person she’s told all of this to.

Give me strength. Next…

The woman downstairs is having her bedroom painted. Instead of hiring a professional, she gets her crackhead ex-con nephew to do it. I’m not exaggerating. He was in prison for a few years and just got out in the fall. And this isn’t Inbred Nephew. This is someone different. Oy vey, right? Yesterday, she let her nephew borrow her car because he needed more paint. He was gone 6 hours. He did have paint with him when he came back, so she thought nothing more of the fact that he had been driving her car around for hours with no explanation. This morning police from the town next to ours came knocking on the woman’s door. Apparently her car was the get-away car in an armed robbery yesterday. Oh yes, it’s too fucking good to make up. She had to go to the police station and turn in her nephew or she would have been in a lot of trouble.

And to something a bit more amusing…

I was in the grocery store after work and I heard a woman ask her friend if she knew where the jalapenos were. But she pronounced them like this (the best I can do with words)

jail

eh

pen

no

jail-eh-pen-no

I have no idea how I understood what she was saying. I must speak “retarded” or some other dialect closely related like “dumbass” or “ignorant fuck”.  I also have the feeling that I probably picked up the language at work.

Read Full Post »

Quote of the year…so far

The 77 year old woman who lives next door to me has a date today. She’s going to lunch with a gentleman that she’s known for a few years. She was giddy telling me. It was adorable. She was explaining why she was going on the date when she said the following…

“Just because there’s snow on the roof doesn’t mean there’s no fire in the furnace.”

I love it.

Read Full Post »

I’m so fucking happy, I’m so in love

Last night whilst waiting for my tea to brew I heard the lady downstairs singing the following ‘song’ at the top of her lungs, “I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY, I’M SO IN LOVE”. She sang this for ten minutes. And who stood there and listened to her sing this retarded ditty? Me.

It was awesome.

I haven’t heard any sex sounds or bed thumping, but I’m sure the lady downstairs and her new man are fucking. Hence the singing. Right?

Anywho, I don’t want to think about them fucking anymore.

Oh, and I’m totally embarrassed to admit that I’m addicted to the Bachelor. Seriously embarrassed. I mean, not as embarrassed as I would be if I was actually on the show. But I’m pretty embarrassed all the same.

Read Full Post »

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me…

If you didn’t chuckle reading that e-card, then I have no idea why you like me.

Anywho, I had a fantastically relaxing weekend. I needed to recover. I was so damn tired all week.

Only one thing happened that interrupted my chill out. And what would my life be without drama?

I was petting Stella Marie as she relaxed on my office window sill. I saw a movement in the backyard. It was Mullet Man.

I was told that he wasn’t welcome here on the weekends and I knew that my downstairs neighbor wasn’t home. Actually, none of my neighbors were home, as one of the neighbor’s daughters was getting married yesterday.

So, I see Mullet Man out in the backyard petting the dog and I decide to sit down and watch what he does. He comes over to the pool with a wrench in his hand and takes two of the Tiki torches down. He goes back into the garage and then he stands in the middle of the backyard looking from one neighbor’s house to the other. He wasn’t looking up to see me watching him, but he stood there for about 5 minutes. He then came to the door and knocked a few times. Nobody answered, they weren’t home, so he went back into the middle of the yard and looked around some more.

He then walked back to the door and picked up a foot rest from one of the chairs. I decided it was a good time to walk downstairs and confront him. I was walking down the driveway and didn’t see him or the foot rest. I walked all the way back in the yard and watched the house. I saw no sign of him.

So, I start going down the driveway and I saw his arm from the front door. As I’m walking up, I see a boombox sitting on the step and he’s in the house. Yep, he broke in.

I walk upstairs to get my phone and I call my neighbor to let her know that Mullet Man’s in the house. I’m coming down the stairs and ready to call 911, like I was told to, and I see her pulling in driveway. I run over to her as she walking in her back door and tell her that Mullet Man’s in the house. She walks through the house and he isn’t there. This all happened in a span of 5 minutes.

He must have seen me walking around and split.

She went to the police and they went to him to tell him that he can’t step one foot onto the property or he’ll be arrested.

Seriously, I’m sick of this shit.

Today, I put up orange lights for Halloween and did some yard work. I didn’t lose enough weight to be Betty Page for Halloween, so I’m going to be a victim from The Birds. With a big ass crow in my hair and my eye plucked out. Awesome, right?

Something has been going on my life that I’m not ready to really talk about yet. But, I’m going to copy some lyrics to a song that is so fucking appropriate for my situation it’s scary. I hate when people put lyrics on their blogs, but this is a hint and is a teaser, sort of. So melodramatic, I know.

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it.
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through.
And just because I call you up,
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made.
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

I like to see you, but then again,
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me.
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss –
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us.
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

I keep your picture upon the wall.
It hides a nasty stain that’s lying there.
So don’t you ask me to give it back.
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me.
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me.
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time.
I’m not in love, I’m not in love…

Peace out, bitches.

Read Full Post »

Oh my hell

There’s no radio show tonight. I’m not feeling the radio show right now. I might do it every other week or something. Who knows?

So much to talk about and I have no idea where to start?

On Saturday, my sister told me her husband said he didn’t love her anymore. He said that they have no marriage because they don’t have sex. He thinks that sex is 95% of what a marriage is. He told her that my mother doesn’t really care about her and that my sister is jealous of his relationship with his mother. I want to kick him in the balls. I want to give him a rectal exam with his toothbrush and then make him use it. I want to rip his eye socket out and piss in the hole.

I hate him.

Look on this blog and you will see examples of his being a complete fucking prick. A big prick without a prick. I’m trying to get her a job with my company so that her move back home isn’t so stressful. Right now, they’re going to try counseling. I don’t think it will work (which is why I’m trying to get her a job here), but I’ll just sit back and be supportive. It’s all I can do.

Speaking of assholes, Mullet Man has gotten a restraining order on his ass for threatening my downstairs neighbor, Barb, and her new man. Oh, and for taking shit out of the yard and breaking it. Oh, and for coming over unannounced. Oh oh, and for coming in the house and dumping out the new man’s dresser drawers and closet and screaming at Barb. The police were called and his ass is grass. I was told to call 911 if I see him around here. Drama drama drama.

Oh there’s more….sit down and stay a while.

My grandmother is having surgery tomorrow to remove infected tissue in her elbow. The infection has moved into her bloodstream, so time is of the essence. My grandmother is in horrible health, so this isn’t a good thing. Fingers crossed.

I’m not even close to being finished yet.

I have broken out in a mysterious rash again. Allergic reaction to something. Am I allergic to the world? I took some Benedryl and have rubbed disgusting hydrocortisone ointment on my legs. I hope it eases my skin. I’m severely allergic to mold and I think I’m having a reaction to being in my friend’s house. She’s disgustingly filthy. I could feel the mold. Why did I stay there for as long as I did? I may need to call the doctor is I don’t feel better.

Ready for more? I’m only getting warmed up.

Stella Marie’s eye was completely better. Or so I thought. Monday night, I noticed it looking a bit wonky. I called the vet and they said to start smearing the ointment on her eye again. I did that and last night her other eye started looking bad. Yep. Conjunctivitis in both eyes. So much fun.

I took her to the vet tonight, third Wednesday in a row, and the vet gave me stronger ointment and more pills. Hopefully this works. I’m worried sick.

Oh, another $75 too. I may need to start collecting donations for my own babies. It’s only a matter of time before Roslin gets conjunctivitis. It’s highly contagious.

Are you ready for more?

While I was at the vet tonight, about 20 minutes, my neighbor in the house behind me shot himself. I was driving down the main street and saw every cop car in our town at his house along with 2 ambulances.

BJ, the old lady next door, told me that she was over at Al’s house for dinner at 7 and left around 7:30. Right after she left another neighbor, Judy, heard Al and his wife arguing very loudly and violently. When Judy got up to see what was going on she heard a big bang. Al’s wife was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

Yeah, I know. Crazy.

That’s all for now. Unless, a comet lands on the house.

Read Full Post »

Heave ho heave ho

Sheesh, I haven’t posted in a while. I wish I could say that I’m too busy to post, but I’ve really been too lazy. And I really haven’t had anything to say. Life is kind of boring lately.

I will say that Mullet Man is gone for good. I spoke with the lady downstairs and she has met someone else and is really happy. She just got tired of Mullet’s bullshit. She looks radiant, so good for her. I gave her a high five which is a very rare thing from me.

That’s all that going on. I cooked a lot this weekend. I’ve been straight chilling and loving it.

I’ll leave you all with a really retarded and strange story from my childhood that still affects me today…

When I was little and constipated my mom told me the story of the men in my colon that would push the poop out. I guess they were like the Keebler Elves or something. So, she said that some days the men would be energetic because they ate their vegetables and got a good night’s sleep. On those great days they could push my poop out with no trouble. But sometimes, when they haven’t done what they should have they didn’t have much energy to push the poop. One these terrible days the men needed motivation to to push the poop out, so my mom told me I had to take a deep breath and chant “heave ho heave ho heave ho.” This would help the men push the poop out.

I’ve never forgotten this story and to this day when I’ve feeling a bit constipated or having trouble with my poo, I think about the men in my colon and chant in my head “heave ho heave ho heave ho.”

Yeah, that’s one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever confessed.

Before I leave you all, I just want to say that I’ve updated all of my blogs today (all four of them if you count this one). Yes, be impressed. They are all solid posts, so go and bask in my brilliance. I even posted 3 recipes. I’m telling you, it was a good day for my readers.

Love ya ma bitches.

Read Full Post »

Protected: It’s rainy outside but the sun is shining in my heart

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Read Full Post »

It’s all good

I went to my niece’s play last night. She’s 7 years old. She loves being in these shows, so I was excited to see her do her thing. She was in the opening number and it was adorable. So, a few more songs were sung and they were going to the next scene when I smelled something burning.

I turned to my stepdad and asked him if he smelled it. He said yeah. So, we figured someone was smoking outside and threw a cigarette in a trashcan. But, the smell was getting more intense and was coming from the stage. My stepbrother, a cop, got up to check things out and we heard doors opening and rustling. Then we heard a kid start coughing really bad.

The fire alarm went off and we proceeded out the exits. It’s amazing to see how people will run out of the place in front of the handicapped and old. I helped a woman in a walker. There were others helping out. They opened the curtain and the amount of smoke that was behind there was unbelievable. I got out of the building and found everyone. Of course, the play was canceled. Morgan was a little upset. She saw the fire and was a little nervous.

Nobody was really hurt, the coughing was from the fire extinguisher. It was kind of a bummer. I really wanted to see the little miss do her thang.

Now, it’s time for some absolutely classic Debbie retardedness. Sit down and enjoy. Maybe you should get a beer or a cup of tea.

1. I was dropping something off at a friend’s house the other day and she had one of her friends there. I’m not really crazy about this woman, but she’s not my friend so who cares. I was asked to stay for a drink, and I did. My friend’s friend was clearly upset about something. She looked like she was crying. I asked if I was interrupting anything and they say no. My friend’s friend took a deep breath and said that she had an accident on Saturday. I thought she had a car accident or something, so I started to give some kind words when she blurted out, “I peed my pants in front of my boyfriend.” Now, I’m someone who knows something about peeing pants. I’ve even pooped my pants. Like, last year. So, I told her that. She started laughing really hard and suddenly we were fast friends. Groovy, I know.
2. Monday morning my boobs were hurting me. I was PMS’ing and they were so fucking sore. I decided to rub them to ease up the pain a bit. Oh, did I tell you I was at work? No, well I was. It’s was about 7:05 AM and nobody were there yet. Or so I thought. I’m in mid-rub ecstasy when one of my cubicle neighbors turns the corner. He looked at me quickly and then looked away. He’s a family man, kind of square, so I’m pretty sure he was thinking, “Look at this nut feeling herself up.”
3. Today, I was wearing a very pretty blue dress. I remembered perfume and everything. So, I was drinking my coffee and I tipped back to drink the last bits and I spilled it down the front of me. I think I have a hole in my chin because I do this often. Anyhow, I smelled like perfumed coffee all day. Fucking gross.
4. I went to a Quizzo happy hour my company held on Tuesday. It was sort of fun. The thing I hate about these happy hours is that the whole company is invited to these things, but one department seems to be so fucking impressed with themselves that they make the thing about them. My department always seems like the red-headed stepchild of the company, yet we’re the money makers. Anyhow, I can’t stand people at my company. Fucking bitches. Even the men.
5. I went for a run the other night. As I really got into it and am at a great pace, I felt a booger. I ignored it, or tried to, and kept going. But, it was getting really annoying and I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the booger. After a few more minutes of the booger tickling my nose, I did something I haven’t done since I was a child….I picked my nose. Not only do I pick the booger out, but I flicked the booger off my finger. I was outside, so it’s okay. I can’t believe I picked my nose. Ew.
6. I went into the ladies room at work and there was a big turd in the stall I walked into. For some reason, I’m like the all-time jackpot winner when it comes to picking the stall that someone left shit in or just shit the smelliest poo ever in. It’s a gift, I know you’re jealous. This poo was different than any I’d ever seen. It was orange. But not like a brownish orange, but this orange. Yeah, I know. Who has orange shit? I sometimes have a red shit, because I eat a lot of beets, but it’s never orange. I suppose I have a new mystery to solve. It’s always about poo.
7. My neighbor is moving my trash can’s again. It’s so fucking annoying. And I think that Inbred Nephew is in jail. I haven’t seen him in months and he’s usually here all summer. It’s the only thing I can think of. I know, as of May, he had lost his license because of several DUIs. So classy, I know.
8. My sister’s husband fucked their brand new computer. He downloaded some porn and got a serious virus, but he’s so computer illiterate that instead of running Norton’s he just ignored it and turned the computer off. Nice, huh?
9. The other night, I sat on my porch and practiced my Woody Woodpecker laugh and now I’m a pro. Don’t ask me why I was doing this. I get bored and this kind of brilliance comes to me. I like to do the laugh in my kitchen cause it kind of echos. I know I’m cooler than you, deal with it.
10. I’ve been thinking and have come to the conclusion that I would let Ed Norton fuck me in the ass on the first date. He wouldn’t even have to buy me dinner. A drink would suffice. I’m a dirty whore, who the fuck cares you judgmental bastards. You know you’d do it too.

And that’s all folks.

Read Full Post »