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The End

Dear Readers and Friends,

Today is the 3 year anniversary of this blog.

Today is also the end of this blog.

After spending a few weeks thinking really really hard, I’ve determined that I need a break from lots of things. And some things I just need to let go of, like this blog.

I’ve had a rough year.

Let’s see…found out my favorite and dearest aunt who was only 50 years old had stage 4 lung cancer, my sister got a staph infection on her mitral valve from using a dirty needle to shoot up heroine and ended up having open heart surgery, my other sister had a baby addicted to methadone and child protective services was called resulting in my father having custody of baby, my favorite and dearest aunt died leaving a hole in my heart, and then my neighbor and very close friend killed herself and her two cats with a gun leaving my heart a gaping empty cavern.

And I’m done.

I can’t share how I’m feeling or my life anymore. With anyone.  Not right now. 

I don’t feel like I know myself. I don’t recognize the woman I see in the mirror. I’m tired all of the time…all of the time.

And I’ve been hiding.

What I’m starting to understand is that I haven’t dealt with what’s happened in a way that facilitates moving on. I have been just chugging ahead, not looking behind me and that’s not healthy. Ghosts are everywhere and they love sneaking up on you.  My soul is a haunted graveyard at the moment.

So, I’m dealing with my grief. I miss my aunt so much that I cry just thinking about her. And I think about her everyday. I miss my neighbor. Her absence is deafening. Her empty hollow house screams at me each time I walk in and out of my door.  I’m sad.

I want to thank each and every person who has read this blog. I sincerely appreciate all of you. I wish you all the best.

I feel like I’m breaking up with you all. It sort of is like that, I guess.

I didn’t think I’d cry and yet here I am, crying my eyes out. It’s hard to say goodbye to something I loved. I felt like I was talking to her, Fresh Air Lover, when I wrote on these pages. She was a good friend.

I’ll keep this blog up for a while if you want to read any of the old stuff. But, eventually she’s going away. The end is the end.

Best wishes and lots of love,
Debbie

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During the week, I meet the my mother at a parking lot between both of our homes so that we can carpool to work.  On Friday, my mom dropped me off at my car and as I was opening the door to get in two young black men pulled up behind me and asked me where the nearest Bank of America was.  I walked over to their car and told them how the easiest way to get there.  They thanked me and went on their way.  I wouldn’t have given this moment another thought had the following not happened.

After they drove away, a woman parked near me smiled at me and said, “You’re brave.”

I looked up sharply and asked her, “Why was I brave?”

“I would have been freaked out if two black guys pulled up behind me like that.”  She said as she walked toward me.

Now, listen up white people.  I’m not the one to say these ignorant statements to.  I’m not part of your club.  I may be white, sometimes so pail that I’m transparent, but I’m just not the one.

“Why would you have freaked out?  Is it because they were men or because they were black or because you’re an asshole?”  I shake my head at her and start to get into my car.  I had shit to do and didn’t want to waste any more time on this dumb bitch.  Yup, she was a dumb bitch.

She laughed a really fake, kind of scary laugh and said defensively, “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Bullshit.”  I say and drive away.

You know, I believe that you get what you give.  I believe that people are generally good and I treat them with courtesy and respect until they give me a reason not to.  No matter what race, religion, or species they are.

These types of situations always irritate the hell out of me.

The rest of the weekend was beautifully relaxing.  I haven’t left my apartment.  I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas.  Yesterday, I made homemade meatballs and gravy, and then I made homemade doughnuts.  My friend called in the middle of my making the doughnuts and when I told her what I was doing she hung up on me and came over.  We stood in my kitchen and ate hot, freshly glazed doughnuts as soon as they were cool enough to eat.  it was heaven.  I could feel my ass growing as I was pigging out and I didn’t care.  Have you ever had freshly made doughnuts?  They’re delicious.

And that’s all.  I’m watching a marathon of the Amazing Race 12 and enjoying the relaxing current that has grabbed hold of me.

Cheers.

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Oh hell…

I just read the post below and realized the writing was extremely lazy.  Yikes.  I can’t be arsed to change it now, but I want to apologize for how shitty it reads.

I’m off to make tea.  Night, pumpkins.

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I’m so meaning to write something here, but I’ve been busy, my head’s been up my ass, I’m lazy, real life has been breaking down my door, or uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh.

I swear I’ll write tomorrow.  Seriously.  I have shit to talk about.  I really do.  Read the archives or something.  This blog used to be good, I swear.

Shit.

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Nobody cares if your ass itches.

Sincerely,
Debbie

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I feel like it hasn’t rained a healthy steady rain in months here. It’s been raining all day and I love it. Soaking, steady, cleansing rain. It’s supposed to be cool and rainy all week. For someone who hates the summer, like me, this is awesome news.

I know I’m behind the times, but I read the whole Twilight Series and I loved it. A friend at work lent me Twilight about a month ago and I put off reading it for whatever reason. I never heard of the book before and it sounded a bit hokey. A girl falling in love with a vampire. Yeah, like I haven’t heard or read that one before. Well, I got sucked in and loved the book. And then I found out that the fourth book just came out, with much fanfare which I again missed, and I immediately went out and bought all four books in hardcover. I loved each book. And I just found out that they made a movie of the first book, Twilight, and I’m really excited to see it when it comes out. The trailer looks really interesting. I hope they stayed true to the story, because it’s quite a beautiful, and strange, love story.

Oh, and I forgot to share a fun little story with you all. On Friday, I was walking back to work from the Reading Terminal Market at lunchtime and my skirt blew up over my head. Yup. I was walking over a subway grate and a train must have gone past, and the next thing I knew my skirt was blocking my vision. Luckily, I was wearing panties.

And now, for those of you interested, I have recorded a Podcast where I talk about the songs on my playlist and what they mean to me.  You can listen to it here if you want.

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It’s been a week since I last wrote.  I can’t tell you all how many times I have opened my computer with good intentions of updating this space only to find myself shutting the laptop with an impatient snap.  I’m tired and bored with myself and life in general.  I’m also bitter.  About everything.  I’m hiding it well, I think, but it’s there.  I told someone today that bitter isn’t a color that looks good on me.  It’s true.  I suppose I’ll snap out of it soon.

With that bit of brightness out of me, I’ll give you a bit of an udate about myself.

  1. I’m afraid to listen to music.  Not music on the radio.  Most of that is rubbish.  I’m talking about my favorite music.  The music that usually soothes me.  I can’t bring myself to listen to it.  I get anxious just thinking about it.  I’m afraid I’ll lose it.
  2. I never thought I’d admit this, but I’m watching Big Brother and it’s sucked me in.  So embarrassing.
  3. I’m not running right now.  My foot is done.  I’m taking a break.  I am exercising in my apartment, doing aerobics, yoga, and stuff like that.
  4. I found this great shirt on the clearance rack at Target.  It’s a short-sleeved, zippered hoodie with cool patterns on it.  My kind of price too $4.98.  So, I bought 3 of them.  I could seriously wear them everyday.
  5. I started eating meat again.  I feel better.  I was struggling with vegetarianism.  I was hungry all of the time.  ALL OF THE TIME.  Like stomach growling hungry.  Light-headed hungry.  I had to do something. 
  6. The Harry Potter teaser trailer is awesome.  The young Tom Riddle looks so creepy.  I can’t freakin wait.

That’s all folks.  i wish I had more to talk about.

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