Archive for the ‘Why do I think about this shit?’ Category

I’m fucking exhausted.

Work is beating me with a stick. A thorny damp stinging stick. One that leaves welts.

My eyes are so tired. I don’t even feel like posting, but here I am.

Let’s see…..what’s been happening with my sleepy ass? I’ll give you a numbered list, cause I’m good like that. If you get grossed out by girl troubles, come back some other time.

  1. I got my period today for the first time in 4 years without being on the pill and thank goodness. It was weird to be surprised by it. I’m so used to knowing.
  2. I’ve been bloated. Like a fucking whale bloated. Like a hot air balloon bloated. Go ahead, poke my belly. Hard as a rock. Do my pants fit? Nope.
  3. Let’s talk about gas. I’m serious. Let’s talk about farting for a minute. I’m not a gassy person, but I’ve had uncontrollable gas for the last 2 days. Embarrassing gas. Loud. Stinky. Yeah. It’s upsetting me. I hardly fart and I don’t know the proper etiquette of farting at work. Do I have to run to the ladies room every time I have to shoot a bunny or do I just sit at my desk and pretend nothing happened? I’ve been running to the bathroom and it’s getting tedious. I’m so glad I’m home right now so I can fart in peace. I can’t control it.
  4. Speaking of stinky things…..you know how poo follows me everywhere? I almost stepped in a huge pile of steamy human poo yesterday. Missed the pile by 1/2 inch. Looks like someone leaned against the wall and let one go. I’m so glad I didn’t step in it. That would have set me back a week.
  5. I know you’re laughing about the fact I’ve been farting. Stop laughing. It’s not funny.
  6. I went running yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks. Okay, I’m lying. I tried to go running yesterday but ended up walking cause my fat ass is out of shape. During this walk a really good song came on my Ipod….PYT….that’s right. A Michael Jackson song. I was feeling the song. You know. I started dancing as I was walking because I’m invisible right? Wait, I’m not. Oh shit. That’s probably why everyone driving by was laughing at me.
  7. Come on, get it out of your system. Debbie has the farts. Debbie has the farts. Ha ha ha. Debbie has the farts and they’re stinky. So funny.
  8. I’ve had fits of crying this week. I know I’ve had an emotional week. My little sister became a mother. I’m extremely tired, which could be another factor. But tell me, why would I start crying when listening to this song. That’s right folks. No really, click the link now. You won’t be sorry. Oh yeah. What’s up with that? Fucking random. I cried my eyes out.
  9. I had a weird thought the other day. I wondered if I would die without having a child of my own. The thought came out of the blue kind of like a naughty little pixie and slapped me right in the face. I’m not getting any younger, you know.
  10. I’m listening Elvis right now and I seriously love him. I’m going to write a post about why I love Elvis, I think. It will be my Ode to the King.
  11. I will listen to Portishead’s Dummy later and let my soul cry out to Beth Gibbons beautifully melancholy voice.
  12. I’m very hormonal, huh?
  13. Oh yeah, and I’m farting. You still laughing about that. Nice.
  14. I think I’m going to bed early tonight. I’m such a party animal. Early to bed on a Friday night. For shame. I should be out getting drunk and have loads of meaningless awkward hookups and sex. That sounds so meaningful and satisfying, doesn’t it? Um, no. I’m going to be nestled in my bed with my Stella and let the Sandman have his way with me.
  15. The song below just came on. Gorgeous, huh? I’ll leave you all with that.

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…and what’s going on. I’m in a pissy, hateful, bitchy, skin you alive kind of mood today.

My sister was admitted into hospital yesterday and will be staying there for the duration of her pregnancy. She was bleeding again, worse this time. They say she had a contraction in the middle of the night and that caused the bleeding. Her placenta is pulling away from the uterine wall which is a sign of labor. If she has more contractions she could hemorrhage and bleed to death, so she’s where she needs to be so that if need be they can take the baby whenever they need to. Which means that my nephew could be born anytime now. Hopefully she can hold out until Feb. 16 when she was originally scheduled to have her C-section.

This Sunday is my birthday. Whatever. All my friends…I’m sorry did you not hear me…..ALL MY FRIENDS are busy. ALL OF THEM. Sooooooo, I have to figure out what the fuck to do this weekend to celebrate. If I don’t have plans by tomorrow night, I’m going to egg and toilet paper every single one of my asshole friend’s houses. I think that is more than fair, since I didn’t miss anyone’s birthday this past year and wait….let’s add up the dinner’s, presents, and drinks I went in on because I’m a good friend and care for people….yup, I think they’re getting off easy.

Do you know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? People drinking hot coffee through straws stuck in the sippy hole of the coffee lid. When I see this I want to knock the cup of coffee out of their hands. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much, but it does.

Why does everyone think Scarlett Johanson is such a good actress? I see her in a film and I want her to blow her nose (she always sounds like she’s stuffed up) and get a fucking personality. She’s a charisma bypass. She has the same dead stare and monotone voice in every fucking film she’s in. She’s one of those people who is lucky she’s pretty.

Remember that guy I told you all I had a crush on. Turns out that he’s in the hospital for a little while. Want to know why? Apparently he has genital warts and had an outbreak. To sooth this outbreak he started using a new cream which caused him to have a severe rash. Instead of going directly to the doctor, he let it go figuring it would go away on it’s own. Well, let’s just say my friend was surprised he didn’t need skin grafting to get things back in order in the crotch region. That’s just beyond gross. Don’t people wear condoms?

Did anyone watch Scrubs last night? No? Losers. They had a song on there called Guy Love and it’s the best thing I’ve seen in weeks. Go here to view and I dare you not to laugh.

Before I get to the stroke, I want to let you all in on an idea I have. I think one day each week I’m going to let someone “hijack” my blog. Meaning that someone can send me a post and I’ll put it up on here. The only rule is that it has to be funny. No politics or religion, unless it’s funny. Shit, I’ll even let you do a parody of me if you want. I’m doing this because I know I’m going to be insanely busy for the next couple weeks and I thought this would be fun. So email me your posts.

And now the stroking….

Sector-9: Miss Sarah is one of my first readers. She came from Marcia’s blog. Sarah is like the punkrocker of my blogroll. The anarchist. But with heart. She’s living in Israel and it’s quite amazing to read about current events from someone who lives there and isn’t getting paid by anyone to water it down. She’s a great read and you should go over there and leave a comment. She also posts some yummy recipes.

So this is my life!?!: I work with this lovely lady. She’s a personal friend of mine. Her desk is one row over from mine and if I talk loud she can hear me. Actually, I can hear her talking now. She’s funny and has an adorable 3 year old daughter who talks like she’s 30 years old. This lady knows my sense of humor and oftentimes we get laughing about something so hard that I almost pee my pants. Mostly, we’re laughing at LJ (cubicle neighbor) cause she’s nuts. Go check her out. Her blog is pretty new and she’s just getting into posting often. Leave a comment and say hi.

Softball Slut: The name of the blog makes me laugh. She loves softball. Even more than I ever did. I love her stories of softball games and family and trips. She’s got an adorable kitty. She’s freakin funny. Go check in regularly and you won’t be sorry.

The LJ Hour: This is not my cubicle neighbor, but someone I found in the weirdest of ways. I won’t get into it. But, I love her blog. She’s funny and a seriously talented photographer. Her dog is the cutest little thing. She writes about her life in NYC and her trips everywhere. She’s a big traveler and it’s cool to see the pictures of all of the places she goes and read the stories. Go over there now.

The Pink Shoe: Well now….there would be no Fresh Air Lover if it weren’t for Marcia. She’s a former work colleague and she’s the one who told me to start a blog. And she’s the one who told me to keep on blogging, even when I thought I had nothing to write about. So, if you love this blog you need to thank this little lady. She’s got crafts, food, and wit…oh and shoes…and she’s a good time. I think you should go over there now.

Have a good weekend.

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I’m getting over my cold. Thank you all for your well wishes. I appreciate it. I’m at the stage now where I’m constantly blowing my nose. I’m not sure where all of the snot is coming from, but I must have expelled a pound of it from my sinuses today. Gross? Yup. My cubicle neighbor, L, asked me what color it was at one point. I told her it was light yellow. She almost fell off her seat laughing. She didn’t expect me to tell her.

I’m extremely busy at work right now. In addition to my 3 monthly publications, I have 2 supplements that will be publishing in March. So, that’s 5 issues and 700 pages that I’m going to have to edit, manage, proof, and get published. That’s not including ad layouts and all of the questions and bullshit. And I love it.

I went to a diner with my mom tonight and as we were sitting there I got the overwhelming urge to pick up the squeeze bottle of ketchup and squirt it at someone. I told my mom and she looked worried. We both ordered chicken cheese steak wraps. As we’re eating, my mom asks me if I like it and I say, “Chicken, cheese, onions, peppers, and marshmallows. What could be bad about that?” My mom is looking more worried. I ask what’s the matter. “Marshmallows?” she says. I start giggling and say, “I did say marshmallows, didn’t I?” We start eating in silence and I get into a really good stare. You know, the kind where you’re not thinking about anything–you’re just staring. My mom says my name and I yell (it was pretty loud), “What’s going on, Mom?” She starts laughing at me. She asks if I’m okay and I say that I’m tired. This makes her feel a little better.

I got my first birthday presents this weekend. My friend Tim gave me a pair of pretty earrings and a bunch of really gorgeous fairy figurines. I also want to thank Danielle from Maryland for the book. It was really sweet of you to send me a present and I’m very happy you like this blog. I can’t wait to get reading that book. Thanks again.

I’m watching American Idol just now and I’m worried about Paula Abdul. There’s something wrong with her. I don’t even think she’s taking good drugs. Fucking space cadet. Aside from her, this is my favorite part of the show….the auditions. These people are great.

And what’s up with people saying like after every word they speak. I can’t even imitate it here because it irks me so much. And other thing, what’s up with all of the muffin tops I’ve been seeing lately. For those who don’t know what a muffin top is, click here. I see them everywhere. Just buy a bigger pair of pants. It’s got to be uncomfortable.

Okay, here’s what a contestant just said to the judges on why she should be picked after she acted like the Cowardly Lion and sang ‘If I Were King of the Forest” exactly like said lion, “Because I’m like the mostest different person here.” I worry. I do.

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I think I’ve lost my ability to nap. Everytime I lay down to take one of these, be it a short power nap or a long afternoon sleepfest, I get restless and start thinking about all of the things I’ve got to do and how napping is just lazy. I used to be so good at it. I would fantasized about getting snuggled into my couch in the afternoon and close my eyes. A light blanket would offer me its warmth. The sun shining on my face. Or, even better, listening to the rain out my window. Ahhhh. Those were the days. I need my napping skills back. I don’t know how I lost them. Is it the time of year? The lack of sex? The holidays? The phone ringing? Who the fuck knows.

I’m tired. I’ve been working my ass off this week. Last night I spent the evening trying, unsuccessfully, to install DSL onto my mother’s ancient computer. After 3 hours of staring at her monitor waiting for the shit to install over a dial-up internet, I had to give up. I’m going back on Sunday for more fun times. I didn’t sleep very well last night because Stella Marie wanted to play with her brown mouse on me. For the new people, Stella Marie is my cat.

I have nothing else to talk about really. I’m just going to type whatever is on my mind. This should be fun.

Why do I love dirty men? You know, the kind of guy that’s a man’s man. I am not attracted to men in suits. A guy in a suit could ask me out and I’d probably be indifferent or even say no, but if that same man asked me out after doing a bunch of manual labor and was dirty and sweaty, I’d be all over him. Is that messed up?

Do you know what show was really great? M.A.S.H. I love that show. I just watched 3 episodes and I never realized how good it is.

What the fuck is up with all of the dancing reality shows? Does anyone give a shit? First, it was all of the reality dating shows, then it was a zillion talent shows, and now its dancing reality shows. The WE Network is holding a “Dirty Dancing” contest to look for the next Baby. Guess who the host is? J-Ho’s ex, Cris Judd. Who is watching this shit and if you are, explain to me what the appeal is?

Why do I think Jason from Ghost Hunters is dreamy?

My legs are hurting bad. I started running a couple weeks ago and my thighs are killing me. I just slathered muscle rub stuff all over them and now I smell like menthol. Yes, I’m a sexy bitch….look out.

I want cake. Chocolate box cake with fudge icing and a big cold glass of milk.

I need to figure out what to get the little girl I read to every Wednesday for Christmas. Any ideas?

Monkeys freak me the fuck out. I look at them and it’s like they know something humans don’t. And they’re comfortable enough to throw poo at each other when they’re pissed. Humans aren’t allowed to do that. We’d get arrested or something. I think throwing poo would be way more effective than giving the middle finger. Much more. Cause it’s gross and smelly.

Um, like I needed to explain why throwing poo would be effective. Like you all don’t know it’s gross and smelly. State the obvious much Debbie?

I’m thinking of taking my nipple ring out. It will be two years old in January and I’m over it. It’s not like anyone’s playing with but me anyhow. I’ll let you all what I decide. I know you all will be on the edge of your seats waiting for this breaking news.

Okay, I’m going now. Time for my bubble bath and sleepy-time.


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