Archive for the ‘Would someone fuck me already?’ Category

This weekend was weird. Yeah….

Friday, I took the afternoon off to babysit baby Colin. He was so good and delightful. I put some classical music on and he loves it. He was smiling and gooing and gaaing.

My sister was on a job interview and we’re pretty sure she got the job. The interview was about 20 minutes long and my sister said it was the weirdest interview ever. The guy had no questions and had no idea what the job was. He said, “I guess I’m the supervisor so yeah.”

Here are some Colin pictures:

My sister and I hung out at my house for a while, and then we bought groceries to cook my mom a nice dinner to celebrate her not having cancer. While we were cooking, my two other stinkies came over—Morgan and Connor. Conner didn’t want me to take his picture, but Morgan (the star) wanted a picture holding Colin. I took two.

Yeah, she’s giving him rabbit ears.

After dinner, my mom wanted to give the baby a bath so my sister and I went out to get ice cream cones. It’s been a long time since we were chilling alone together. We were cracking each other up. She dropped me off at my house around 11 PM. It was a pretty good day.

Yesterday, I got up early and cleaned. I went for a run and afterwards I walked over to the lake with a book and started reading under a big tree. It was so nice and quiet. After about an hour, I see this tall guy coming down to where I was. He looked like Harry Connick Jr., without the big cowboy hat and southern accent. He had a fishing pole and asked me if I minded him fishing near me. I said no. God, his ass was perfection.

So, he’s fishing and I’m reading and he starts talking to me about how he just moved to this town. He said he’s never lived in such a quiet town. We had a really nice conversation. After about another hour, I got up because my sister texted me that she was coming over for lunch. I said bye and the guy asked me for my phone number. I was surprised and gave it to him.

My sister got to my house as I was walking up. We lugged the baby up the stairs to my apartment. I made lunch as the baby was nestled onto my bed for his nap. We ate and talked. Colin woke up and we tried to get a picture of him to smile, but everytime I put the camera up to snap a picture he’d stop smiling. Here are more pictures of the stinky.

My sister left around 4 and I took a nap. It was a gorgeous nap. I woke up and decided I needed to go grocery shopping because I ran out of cereal. Yes, I quit the gluten free shit. It was crap. It’s a long story and too boring. Yes, way more boring than this post. Hard to believe right.

Well, here’s where the weekend turns weird.

I was picking out some endive, when this guy comes up next to me. It’s Harry Connick Jr.-looking fishing guy. I laughed and we talked a bit. He said he was in a hurry and I said I was too, so I continued my shopping. I got in line and as I was putting my stuff up on the counter, I see him get in line…..with a woman….and she’s wearing a wedding band….and they have diapers in their cart.

Deep breath.


I give up. I really do.

Steam coming out of my ears.

He sees me and I give him the finger and mouth fuck you. I got home and made dinner. And I got drunk. Seriously drunk.

I did nothing today. Oh, I made lavender shortbread cookies. See….

And that’s it.

Fucking men. Why do I let that man ruin my weekend? I know it’s insignificant, and yet here I am still fuming. So much so, that it drove me to bake to take my mind off of castrating that asswipe.

Can I admit that I actually wanted him to call me after the grocery store? Just to tell him off. How sad is that!!!!

I need a man. Not a bad boy. Just a nice one with an edge. So hard to find. Fuck.

I’ll leave you now with pictures of Stella Marie cause she’s super pretty.


Oh, and I updated all of my blogs this weekend. I know. It’s amazing. I’m going to try to be better at updating more regularly.

More kisses….

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I can’t believe how boring my life is at the moment. I know I have the power to change that, but to be honest I don’t feel like it. This time of year always gets to me. Look back in my archives and you’ll see. Cabin fever. I can’t wait for the spring. I can’t wait to sleep with the windows open and to spend my evenings on my porch breathing the fresh air and listening to nature.

Until then, I’m bored pissy pants. Deal with it.

It’s also been many many months since I’ve had sex and you all know how that gets to me. Especially since I went off of the birth control pill. I’m a dog in heat. And surly dog in heat. I was at the grocery store the other night and saw a lovey dovey couple and I had to fight the urge to drive my shopping cart into their smug asses. I held back though. I just put a mean look on my face and finished my shopping trip.

They say that the grocery store is one of the best places to meet single men and I’d like to know who the fuck they are and where the fuck they’re shopping. Cause all I see are couples, mothers, and other women. So, if you’re a normal, intelligent man with a good sense of humor and conversation skills living in South Jersey, can you please start grocery shopping in the early evening so that I can improve my chances of getting laid soon. It’s for the greater good. You’ll be helping the world.

Who am I kidding, I can have sex anytime I want. Any woman can. It’s an exhausting thought. Not because of all the fucking (yes, eventually that would be tiring), but because I find casual sex to be exhausting in every way possible. I suppose this is called ‘growing up’. I used to be good at the whole unemotional sex thing. It sucks.

I was a busy bee yesterday. I did laundry and gutted my office. The office project took over two hours and required me to move some heavy furniture. One piece was a desk, which was one of the lighter pieces, that I wanted to put in my garage. I get it down my steps and across the yard, and guess who is standing right in front of my garage…..Inbred Nephew.

I haven’t seen this fucker in quite a few months and have kind of forgotten about him. If you want to know more about him, click the post label and you can read what kind of piece of shit this guy is.

I walk past him and get the garage door open without him uttering a word. As I’m walking out of the garage he steps in my way and looks me up and down. I ignore him and shut the door. I turn around to go back upstairs and he says, “I forgot how sweet your ass was.” Ew. I continued ignoring him and he says, “I’ll get you one day, mark my words.” I stop and turn to him and ask him, “Did you want me to pass that onto my dad? I’m sure he’d be very interested in someone threatening his daughter.” Inbred calls me a bitch.

He has no idea how big a bitch I can be.

I called my landlady when I got upstairs and told her that Mullet Neighbor’s nephew continues to harass and threaten me, even after I’ve told Mullet and his girlfriend. My landlady ensures me that she will have a talk with them about their guests harassing me. She says that I should feel safe in my own home and in my own yard. Damn right.

Let’s talk about my sister and her situation. My mother spent the week with my sister to help her with the baby. I can’t remember the last time my mother spent significant time alone with my sister. It’s been years. I was happy for them to have the opportunity to bond again, as mother and daughter and also as mothers. My sister needs support and love right now.

I can hear in her voice that she hasn’t dealt with spending two months in the hospital worrying about this baby and the traumatic delivery she had with Colin. But, unfortunately I don’t think she’ll get the chance to heal because of that asshole piece of shit she calls a husband. Even with my mother there, he was a total jerk. He’s immature, insensitive, selfish, ignorant, and mean. He’s thinks everything is a joke and has no respect for anyone.

My mom said that he expected a huge meal cooked for him every night, like Sunday dinner big. He didn’t help my sister at all. He didn’t listen when he did try to help. For instance, he wouldn’t accept the fact that he needed to burp the baby after each ounce the baby drank. He tried to give the baby a Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s for fuck’s sake. My mom said she almost lost her shit on him when he did that.

What 30 year old man, who has primary custody of his other son, would give a newborn some milkshake? What a stupid, asinine, obnoxious thing to do. And then to laugh when my mom told him to get away from the baby. He thinks everything is a joke.

My mom left my sister today and Michelle (that’s my sister’s name) called me crying because she didn’t want my mom to leave. She said that she doesn’t know how long she can last with her husband. She said that if things don’t change and change soon, she’s coming home. Apparently, my mom told her that if she needed to leave Michelle could stay with my mom and stepdad until she got herself on her feet. My dad has said the same thing about her staying with him. I’ve even offered to convert my office into a nursery and let my sister move in with me, if it came to that.

I want her to leave her husband. There, I said it. I’m so worried about her being up there alone with him. I can’t even articulate accurate how scared I am. I called her friend, Hope, and asked her to keep an eye on my Michelle. I have asked my sister to call me every day. I’ve had stomach aches all day.

I spoke with my mom and she’s worried too. But, my sister is the one that needs to make the decision to leave her husband. We can’t force her to do anything. All we can do is be there for her and support whatever decision she makes.

But if he hurts her or that baby, I will hurt him in a way that he will remember every second of every day for the rest of his miserable life. I’m dead serious.


I’ll leave you all with a moment of Debbie dorkiness. I’ve been re-reading the Harry Potter books and the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that Harry is indeed a Horcrux. The only confusing part of this is this, why would Voltemort want to kill him if Harry was a Horcrux as destroying the Horcrux destroys the piece of soul hidden in it. Hmmm, and we thought these books were simple children’s books.

And I promise to post more. I’ve gotten several emails about my lack of posting the past couple of weeks, which I find weird but whatever. As long as you all don’t mind posts about my mundane life, I’ll post more. Besides, it’s been a long time since I’ve had a good rant. Brace yourselves.

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We’re waiting for word from my sister. She had another amniocentesis yesterday to see if the baby’s lungs are developed enough. I’m at work at the moment, which sucks. Because I know the minute I get deeply involved with something is the moment when the phone will ring saying I have to leave. The weather is also horrid today and Lancaster County, the one where my sister lives, is going to be getting the worse of the snow. Awesome.

That’s all I have to report. I’ve been working like a dog. Oh, I did go off of ‘the pill’ recently. I figured now is a good time to let my body work naturally. And I’m not getting any, so no harm right? One annoying side effect is that I’m hornier. Yeah, imagine that. Hornier than I already am. Fucking ridiculous.

Anyhow. Cross your fingers that all is well and hopefully there will be a baby today.

I feel wrong mentioning this new baby and horniness in the same post. Dirty Aunt Debbie. That’s me.

UPDATE: No baby today. The lungs aren’t developed enough yet. The C-section has been rescheduled for next week and my sister is about to lose her freakin mind. She has been in the hospital 4 weeks now.

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I was alone for most of it. Especially today. I did have a few drinks with the old lady next door last night. She felt sorry for me, I think. A few of you called me and it meant a lot. I had dinner with my mother and stepfather tonight. It was nice. Unfortunately, while having dinner an earring that I had just received as a gift on Friday fell out and I can’t find it. I called the restaurant and they haven’t found it. I walked up and down my street in my pajamas and slippers in the snow looking for it. It’s nowhere.

I rarely receive gifts, so when someone gives me something I treasure it. It becomes important to me. Even if it is the smallest littlest thing. Needless to say, I’m really upset. I can’t stop crying. Lovely, spending the last moments of ones birthday crying with a heavy heart.

This losing of my earring represents the way my life is. I get something nice and I lose it or it gets stolen or it breaks. I suppose I’m not allowed to have anything nice or be happy or have comfort or success or love. I’m not sure what curse I was born under, but sometimes it’s very hard to stay happy and optimistic when a permanent black cloud of bad luck and misfortune hangs over me.

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Two weeks until my birthday. Hooray! My family has asked me what I want for presents and I’ve shown them my Amazon Wishlist. How much do you want to bet that I don’t get one thing on there? My family never listens to me. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m really not. Last year I got decorative floral boxes (I’m not a decorative floral box person) and plastic place mats for my kitchen table. All of these are stored away in my closet. Oh, I forgot to mention the flannel wrap with fringe. I think it’s much better if I just tell people what I want.

However, I did get a fishing pole last year for my birthday. There is hope, I suppose.

My downstairs neighbor’s have been so loud this weekend that I’m going out of my head. They’ve been yelling at each other, slamming doors, listening to their TV’s so loud I can’t think, and oh dear….the arena rock….makes me homicidal. To make matters worse, last night I came home from meeting a friend for dinner and my apartment smelled like cigarette smoke (they both smoke). I sprayed the whole place down with air freshener and then lit a bunch of incense to get rid of the smell. They are yelling as I write this. It’s damn irritating.

Is anyone else really excited about the second season of Rome? I love this show. They’re rerunning the first season just now. It’s unlike any other show there is. And I must confess that I’ve had plenty a fantasy about Vorenus having his way with me. In every way imaginable. And I have a very good imagination. There is something about the way Kevin McKidd plays the character that is so savagely passionate. And those togas. Makes my thighs quiver. Dear lord he is beautiful.

I learned how to crochet yesterday. I’m making a scarf. We’ll see how it goes. I’m not one for hobbies (blogging being an exception), but I need something to make me relax. I’m wound up. I need something to do until I get laid. So, there might be lots of scarfs and other knitwear coming out of this. Don’t be surprised if you find one waiting for you in your mailbox. Even if you live in Texas. It’s either that or send me a lover.

Yeah, that’s all I got.

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What have I been up to this weekend?

Hmmm…….it’s a secret……I’m gonna make you guess….

come on….guess…..

You can’t?…I don’t believe you…..try harder…

You can do it……no?….

Oh, okay I’ll tell you what I did.


I need a fucking life. My friends suck ass. The married assholes that they are. All smug because they’re getting regular sex. With or without their spouses. Bastards. “We’re having a dinner party, Debbie. It’s going to be all couples. I hope you don’t mind.” You know what assholes, I didn’t mind. I put new batteries in my vibrator and had a lovely time. Oh, and I made myself a magnificent dinner. Better than anything you people will be having. I even made dessert. So there.

Pathetic. Oh, you bet your ass I am.

I’ve been ridiculously horny again. I told you all I need to have a steady boyfriend, if only for the sex. I wish I was a slut, but I’m not so I suppose I will stay horny until I find a man I like outside the bedroom. It’s all about the foreplay. And conversation and dates are just that….foreplay. Turn me on mentally and I’m putty in your hands.

I am running without pain thanks to a mineral supplement that my doctor prescribed and the two needles she gave me. She said that my one medication, the one that made me poo in the post below, is lowering my potassium levels. It doesn’t matter that I eat bananas or kiwi. I needed a supplement. I ran Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with little to no pain. And I’ve had no pain today.

I spent the majority of the day today at my mother’s working on that fucking DSL connection. I was able to install it and it’s now working perfectly. It only took me 4 hours today. I had to take my ethernet port from my old computer and put it in hers. And then I had to search for a driver because Windows sucks donkey asshole. Luckily, I brought my laptop with me so that we didn’t have to search for the driver on dial-up. The search for the driver almost popped several veins in my head, but I finally found it. Yay for me.

I almost fell asleep writing that last paragraph. Boring. Sorry about that.

Anyhow, I’m signing off now. I’ve updated Coquettishly if you’re interested. People are actually asking me questions. I love it.


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I think I’ve lost my ability to nap. Everytime I lay down to take one of these, be it a short power nap or a long afternoon sleepfest, I get restless and start thinking about all of the things I’ve got to do and how napping is just lazy. I used to be so good at it. I would fantasized about getting snuggled into my couch in the afternoon and close my eyes. A light blanket would offer me its warmth. The sun shining on my face. Or, even better, listening to the rain out my window. Ahhhh. Those were the days. I need my napping skills back. I don’t know how I lost them. Is it the time of year? The lack of sex? The holidays? The phone ringing? Who the fuck knows.

I’m tired. I’ve been working my ass off this week. Last night I spent the evening trying, unsuccessfully, to install DSL onto my mother’s ancient computer. After 3 hours of staring at her monitor waiting for the shit to install over a dial-up internet, I had to give up. I’m going back on Sunday for more fun times. I didn’t sleep very well last night because Stella Marie wanted to play with her brown mouse on me. For the new people, Stella Marie is my cat.

I have nothing else to talk about really. I’m just going to type whatever is on my mind. This should be fun.

Why do I love dirty men? You know, the kind of guy that’s a man’s man. I am not attracted to men in suits. A guy in a suit could ask me out and I’d probably be indifferent or even say no, but if that same man asked me out after doing a bunch of manual labor and was dirty and sweaty, I’d be all over him. Is that messed up?

Do you know what show was really great? M.A.S.H. I love that show. I just watched 3 episodes and I never realized how good it is.

What the fuck is up with all of the dancing reality shows? Does anyone give a shit? First, it was all of the reality dating shows, then it was a zillion talent shows, and now its dancing reality shows. The WE Network is holding a “Dirty Dancing” contest to look for the next Baby. Guess who the host is? J-Ho’s ex, Cris Judd. Who is watching this shit and if you are, explain to me what the appeal is?

Why do I think Jason from Ghost Hunters is dreamy?

My legs are hurting bad. I started running a couple weeks ago and my thighs are killing me. I just slathered muscle rub stuff all over them and now I smell like menthol. Yes, I’m a sexy bitch….look out.

I want cake. Chocolate box cake with fudge icing and a big cold glass of milk.

I need to figure out what to get the little girl I read to every Wednesday for Christmas. Any ideas?

Monkeys freak me the fuck out. I look at them and it’s like they know something humans don’t. And they’re comfortable enough to throw poo at each other when they’re pissed. Humans aren’t allowed to do that. We’d get arrested or something. I think throwing poo would be way more effective than giving the middle finger. Much more. Cause it’s gross and smelly.

Um, like I needed to explain why throwing poo would be effective. Like you all don’t know it’s gross and smelly. State the obvious much Debbie?

I’m thinking of taking my nipple ring out. It will be two years old in January and I’m over it. It’s not like anyone’s playing with but me anyhow. I’ll let you all what I decide. I know you all will be on the edge of your seats waiting for this breaking news.

Okay, I’m going now. Time for my bubble bath and sleepy-time.


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