5 of my favorite things…(Part 1)

I’m starting a new segment on here and maybe I’ll stick to it, but I need to remember some good stuff because in the last fate has taken a big shit on me.  For instance, I am coming down with a cold or a plague, the blister I’ve had on my heel for a week is still oozing puss, Hayden tore me up from chest to back while I was holding him during a thunderstorm, and the nail polish I put on my fingernails last night has caused the cuticles and the skin under them on my left hand to break out with dermatitis.  Fuck yeah.

So, I have a fake smile planted on my face and I’m thinking of the things that make me happy.  Let’s see if I can think of 5 at the moment.  Here it goes.

1. Peanut butter.  Whether straight out of the jar, spread on apple slices, or in a PB&J…doesn’t matter.  The only requirement is that it has to be natural peanut butter, because I like it grittier…grrr…, and has to be accompanied with a tall glass of cold milk.
2. Kittens and puppies fat little bellies.  Don’t you love those chubby little things.  I pick Nina up all of the time and rub my nose on her fat little belly.  Hayden is a scrawny little thing and has no fat belly. His tail is about a foot and a half long though.  I measured it.  He’s the cutest scrawny little guy.  Stella’s belly is fat too, so I rub my nose on hers too.  Roslin isn’t down with that, but she lay on her back and let me rub her fat belly.
3. My gray fleece pants I bought circa 1998 at Old Navy.  They are so big on me that I have to hold them if I walk more the 5 steps, but I love them.  They have been washed so many times that they are softer than soft.  I will cry when these fall apart.
4. The milk that’s left after you’ve eaten the cereal.  Apple Jack’s makes the best milk.
5. www.passiveagreesivenotes.com…fucking hilarious

You know what, I’m going to read this list again and try for the warm fuzzies because if that fucker who lives down the street rides by in his loud fucking mo-ped (sp…who gives a fuck?) I’m going to rip his little rotten piece of shit pecker off.  For real for real.

Serenity…come to me.

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Some updates because I’m not finished some other posts I’m writing because I’m writing a book, but I haven’t had time to write my book too much because people are driving me crazy

Longest post title ever.  Like Fiona Apple long.

Last night/this morning, I had a migraine that was so grand that I wanted to rip my brain out of my head.  I had to call out of work today because I hardly slept all night and my head was still a mess this morning.  Ugh.  I still have twinges, but I’m feeling a little better.  Ugh.

This week has been quite busy for me.  I’ve hardly been home and when I have been here, I’m trying to write and can’t because people keep calling me.  I know I know…I don’t have to answer the phone, but they’ll just keep calling my house line and cell until I pick up.  My family and friends are persistant stinkers.

Now for the updates:

1. I got a new cell phone and new cell number.  I know that people love keeping their numbers, but when I get a new phone I feel that it’s an opportunity to start fresh.  Those fuckers that keep calling me, even though I don’t want them to can find someone else to bug.  Oh, and I got the EnV.  I love it.  It took me forever to figure out which phone I wanted, but I settled on this one because of the keyboard and the built in music player.  I don’t need to carry both my Ipod and my cell phone anymore.
2. i have a bone to pick with Apple.  Yes, that Apple.  I’m in the process of converting all of the songs I have bought from ITunes to MP3 because these asswipes can’t put their files in a formt that can be used on anything other than an Ipod.  Fuck you.  I bought the song, let me do what I want with it.  I have spent the past few hours burning all of the music I have bought off of ITunes onto a CD and then reloading the songs into Itunes so that I can convert the music.  I’m then deleting all of the files that are retarded from Apple.  They should reimburse me for my fucking time.  I’m never downloading another song from ITunes.  I will make Amazon my place for music.  They have more of a selection anyhow.
3. To provide you all further evidence that I am a dork, I will tell you what my ringtone is for my new foxy phone.  It’s Hedwig’s Theme from Harry Potter.  Yeah, you wish you were as cool as me.
4. I’m reading the book The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula le Guin.  It’s brilliant.  I want everyone who loves to read to go to the bookstore, pick up the book, and read the first couple paragraphs of the book.  If that brilliant peace of writing doesn’t ensnare you, you have no soul and you’re dismissed from my blog.
5. The show Fringe is fucking awesome.  It has, so far, replaced the whole in my heart left by The X-Files has left.  I love this shit.  Crazy, out of this world, impossible, and tests the limits of our beliefs and imagination.  This is what television and entertainment is about.

That’s all.  Have a great weekend!

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More death, a silent weekend, and what the fuck

Last Sunday, we had huge storms come through.  I recorded my latest podcast during the storms.  Apparently, my downstairs neighbors let their cat, Tigger, out in between storms because when I got home from work on Monday they were frantically yelling for him.  I have some very strong opinions about people who let their pets run around the neighborhood—they shouldn’t.  Tigger doesn’t wear a collar.  He’s an alley cat, so he’s always howling to get outside.  I’m used to seeing him around the yard, having given up on trying to talk my neighbor into keeping him inside.

On Wednesday, I asked about the cat and they still hadn’t found him.  The neighbors had gone door to door, visited the local animal shelter, and even went to the police station with no success.  They were scared he was stuck somewhere, locked in someone’s garage or basement.  On Friday night, I was coming home from a ridiculous evening at my father’s when Jim, my guy neighbor, stopped me to tell me that they found Tigger.  He was dead under their back patio.  It looks like he died from natural causes, he was just curled up with no trauma or anything.  Jim had to rip up the planks of wood on the patio to get him out.  I visited the little guy’s grave today and said bye.

Seriously, I’m sick of death.  Not one more this year, at least, or I’m going to freak the fuck out.

Other than the evening at my dad’s and his house full of people who don’t fucking work and are half retarded, ohhhh I’ll have to write a whole other post to explain that shit, I’ve had a beautifully silent weekend.  I did things at my leisure, laundry and grocery shopping, with no one bothering me and calling me at all hours.  I watched movies, surprising myself by enjoying Enchanted and Penelope way more than I thought I would.  I also read all weekend.  It was awesome.

The kittens are driving me crazy.  Hayden wants to party all the time and Nina isn’t happy unless she’s laying on me.  And I’m not allowed to walk around without Nina under my feet.  I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her because I’m tripping over her so much.  Hayden keeps biting my feet and Nina keeps chewing my laptop while I’m typing this.  They’re driving me crazy.  They are sooooo lucky I love them. Roslin and Stella are still awesome and well-behaved.

And finally, fuck you Warner Bros.  Seriously.  What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Thinking.  How dare you move Harry Potter back 8 months.  You greedy fuckers.  Really.  You blame it on the writer’s strike, but the movie finished shooting months ago.  This is seriously rude.  The movie better be the best one yet or I will put a curse on your whole studio.  You assholes.

Yes, that last paragraph demonstrates how little of a life I have and yet I don’t care.  I’m pissed.  I had a whole Harry Potter weekend planned with my nephew and I had to call him and tell him that we have to wait not 3 months, but almost a year.

Oh, and I chopped my hair off.  Think Ashley Judd’s hair in Someone Like You.

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So much for a sunny holiday weekend

It’s been a dreary weekend.  I can’t remember a drearier weekend.

Today is day 3 of a 4 day weekend and I can finally say that I don’t have anywhere to go or anything to do tomorrow.  Lately, I’m more of a homebody than usual.

I get into moods where I just want to savor my alone time.  I read and listen to music and go for walks.  But this weekend has been spent at various homes of family and friends.  All I’ve wanted to do is come home and read.

I’m reading the whole Harry Potter series right now.  I’m on Chamber of Secrets at the moment.  Is it sad that I’d rather continue my reading than go out?  Maybe I just need to escape life for a while.  So much has happened the past few months and reading these books is a great way to forget about it.

The kitties are doing well.  Hayden is an absolute sweetheart who cries when he wants to be held and during those times, I can walk around my apartment doing chores and he’s as happy as a clam in my arms.  Nina follows me everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  Roslin keeps her eye on the babies and me.  Stella is warming up to them, but is still acting quite possessive of me.

Ridiculous how complex cats are sometimes.

I saw my neighbor, Jim, naked again tonight.  What’s up with him skinny-dipping in the daylight?  I’m starting to think he wants me to see him since he knows I’m always in my office which overlooks the pool.

The old lady next door to me almost killed me driving to lunch yesterday.  She ran a red light.  Luckily, cars missed us but she seemed so unconcerned about what she did that I’m starting to question her sanity a bit.  She has a fish pond in her backyard and she accidentally killed all of the fish in it because she forgot to put the solution that kills bleach in the water.  She’s still sending money to Nigeria.  I just don’t know what to do with her.

My niece is coming home from the hospital this week.  My sister is excited.  My dad was granted full custody, so all is well there.

Nina just plopped down on the couch next to me, let out a sigh, and farted.  Kitty farts smell bad.

I counted my houseplants tonight and I have 14 of them.  No wonder it takes me a half hour to water them.

Tomorrow I officially start training for the marathon.  Yikes.  I’ll be running and doing yoga 5-6 days a week.  My ass should be magnificent after this.

Nina just moved closer to me.

My allergies are insane today.  Totally and horrible insane.  If I sneeze one more time, I’m going to lose it.

Okay, I’m rambling…so I’ll go.  Toodles.

Oops, Nina is now laying against me.  Little angel.

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Flying monkeys, what if your mama is the drama, kitty squirts, and an attack of cuteness

See that picture up there. Yeah, take a good look. See those black statues around the base. Well the other day I was walking out of work and I thought, for a nanosecond, that they were giant flying monkeys. I’m dead serious.

I know, I know. That’s the kind of crazy that is only reserved for…well, the crazy. But, in my defense, I had worked really hard that day and was kind of tired. Still, flying monkeys is nuts. My heart actually skipped a beat in fear. Yes, but only for a nanosecond.

Well, my younger sister (the one who just had a baby) almost lost her baby because her mother called child protective services. Her mother, the prostitute and drug addict and my abusive ex-stepmother, tried to get her daughter’s child taken away because her daughter is addicted to drugs. We find out that my sister, her daughter, is addicted to drugs because her mother is a sick bitch who pressures her own children to take drugs or else she does things like try to get their kids taken away.

Seriously, the reason for her calling to have the baby taken was because my sister moved in with my dad to get away from her. Thank goodness my dad is a cop. He was able to talk to the case manager and now has temporary custody of the baby until my sister gets out of rehab. She’s going away for 6 months to a facility that she can’t sign herself out of. Only my dad can sign her out per a court order the case manager obtained. Best news ever. The baby is still in the hospital and is coming home next week sometime.

Oh, and my sister is also getting a restraining order on her mother.

Ugh.

One of my babies was sick yesterday. Little Nina was vomiting and squirting the whole day. Baby girl was so upset. Thankfully, I don’t get grossed out easily. I made her drink lots of water and after a few hours of wondering what the hell was going on, it dawned on me that the kittens were eating Stella’s Fancy Feast (Stella won’t eat any other food…I’ve tried). I think the food was too rich for her belly. I got her eating kitten food and she’s been right as rain since.

But, I was scared for a few hours. She’s tiny and only 8 weeks old.

Even more scared than when I saw the giant flying monkeys.

And finally, hold onto your asses…because this is fucking cute. Roslin thinks she thinks she’s the mommy. And Nina and Hayden are going right along with it. Stella Marie is still pissed.*

*My friend Jason has sympathized with Stella Marie and asked me, “What if one day Stella Marie came home with 3 Debbies? How would you feel?” Point taken. Poor Stella Marie. But she’ll eventually get over it.

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The war of the cats, office cleaning, podcasts, why I got suckered by the cuteness of two kittens, I found a webcam in my drawer (huh?), lots to do this weekend, and why I’m so glad I’m don’t participate in blogging drama

That title is really really really long, huh?

I have a lot to say, so I’m going to list it to make it easier on me poor addled sleep-deprived brain.  And it ain’t going to be in the order of the title either. 

1. Why did I get two kittens?  What are their stories?  Why was I even considering getting 1 kitten when I had two fiercely gorgeous bitches at home?  Because I’m a sucker for a sad story and cuteness, that’s why.  The woman, Bobbie, who had given me Roslin, called me 3 weeks ago in a tizzy, telling me that Roslin’s mother had given birth to a litter in her (Bobbie) neighbor’s lawn mower bag.  Bobbie and the neighbor got the kittens and mommy cat situated in a box on Bobbie’s porch.  All seemed well, until that afternoon.  Her town was having a block party and the motorcycles spooked the mommy cat.  She took one of her babies with her and left the other 3.  If you recall, Roslin and her litter mates were abandoned by the same mommy.  Apparently, she’s extremely skittish.*  Hayden was one of the three abandoned by mommy, Nina was the one kitten that the mommy took.  So, Hayden has been hand-fed since day 1.  Bobbie found Nina walking around the backyard last week and brought her in the house.  When I got there, I was coming for only Hayden.  I wanted a boy cat and Bobbie was holding him for me.  But, then I saw him cuddling with Nina.  She looked up at me and I gasped.  Bobbie told me that she had homes for all of the other kittens, but not for Nina.  I just didn’t think and said, “I’ll take both of the babies.”  And that’s how I became a crazy fucking cat lady.  If someone told me a few years ago that I would have this many animals, I would have laughed in their face.  Damn.
2. And why aren’t people who have multiple dogs mocked and labeled?  I know a lady with 6 dogs and nobody calls her crazy.  Just sayin.
3. I have to clean my office.  Bad.  You can’t see the top of my desk because of all of the junk in there.  I’m sure nobody cares that I need to clean my office, but writing it hear seems like a promise to myself.  It’s written down, so now I must do it.  Or something like that.  I’m sure I’ll put it off another week or two.
4. I think I’m going to start recording podcasts again.  They were fun and maybe I can talk some of my friends and family members to be guests.  I’ll talk my sister into it tonight.  Now, if only I could remember how to post the podcasts…
5. Oh, and I found a webcam in my desk drawer.  How long have I had it…who the hell knows?  I’m not even sure if it’s a good one.  It’s probably one of those webcams that has a delay by a second or ten and the playback is like watching a record skip.  And the audio is out of time with the visual.  I’ll have to check it out.  Maybe I can show you how big of a bitch Stella Marie is.
6. Oh, Stella Marie.  She is pissed.  I mean, PISSED!!!!!!!!!!  She is all like, “What the fuck is in that bathroom moving around? Why must you do this to me?  I am a spoiled brat and don’t want to share you with anyone?  It’s bad enough you brought that pain in the ass Roslin home…two more?  Bitch, I will claw you until you scream.”  Roslin is so scared of Stella that I had to accompany her to use the litter box.  Yes, I had to stand there while she pooped and Stella hissed like a fucking mental case.  And let’s not even talk about my lack of sleep because of Stella Marie’s hissing, spitting, yowling, growling, and screaming.  Such. A. Drama. Queen.  I told her yesterday that she might as well get all of that foolishness out of her system right now, because the kitties are staying.  She turned her back to me and walked away growling.  She had dingle-berries on her butt, so that kind of diminished her haughtiness.  Of course, I had to cut them out.  So, I guess in some strange way she won that argument.  She certainly wasn’t wiping my ass.
7. I have to cook cook cook for my mother’s party tomorrow.  She graduated from college, yay, and we’re throwing a gigantic party.  I hate the prep, but it’s so worth it in the end.  It should be a great time.  I’ll try to take some pictures.  All of my stinkies (Morgan, Connor, Rylee, and Colin) will be there. 
8. Morgan wants a kitten and is coming to visit me today to see my babies.  My sister-in-law promised that if Morgan made the principle’s list she would be able to get a kitten.  She already told me that she’d name that kitten Keira or Zoe.  I asked her, “What if it’s a boy?”  She cocked her head and gave me a raised brow, “Aunt Debbie, I don’t want a boy cat.  How can I have a secret club for girls and have a boy cat?”  Makes perfect sense.
9. Blog Drama.  Or better yet, Blogworld Drama or whatever you want to call it.  I’ve read about 5 posts in the past day dealing with it and I’m like, what the hell, and creeped out.  Does anyone take this blog shit (or life!) that seriously?  I mean, come on people.  It’s the one way you can be sure I will lose my interest in your blog, write about blog drama or posts dedicated to haters or whatever.  I used to do that and then I realized that it was retarded.  So retarded.  I have haters and I don’t give a shit if they come to my blog 100 times a day.  Happy reading to all, even the people who hate me.  Maybe that’s why my blog isn’t as popular as it used to be.  I don’t care about the blogdrama crap and I’m certainly not signing up for that club.  It’s so tedious and middle school and I have better things to do, like clean my office or learn ninja moves or poopy-scoop 4 litter boxes or masturbate or clean my bellybutton.  When I read a blog, I want to hear about a person’s days or thoughts on politics or how good he/she were fucked the night before or some creative stories or something that challenges my believe system and makes me go and learn something new…that type of shit.  Who buys into this form of Blogs of Our Lives bullshit?  It’s kind of disturbing.  Stop it.  Stop writing about it.  You’ll be happier.
10. I just realized that my whole family will be at my mom’s tomorrow for the party.  Oy vey. 

*Mommy cat was fixed last week, thankfully.

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It’s like this and like that and like this and like that…

Doesn’t 98 degree weather make you want to quote songs from The Chronic and other “summer albums” or is it just me?  Just me.  Yes.  Okay, that’s cool.

Let’s get this off my chest first…Holy fucking shit!  Why is it 98 degrees in the beginning of June in NJ?  It’s so gross outside.  I have to run at 4 AM or 8 PM, which I’m not happy about.  I go to bed at 9 PM every night and I just can’t bring myself to get up at 4 AM.  Looks like I’m doing aerobics on Fit TV until the heat wave is over.  But, damn…98 today and tomorrow. 

That did not make me feel better.

Apparently, I’m a bad NJ’ian or NJ girlperson or whatever you people from other states call us (be nice!) because I dislike Bon Jovi and just don’t feel much of what Bruce Springsteen is talking about (and I don’t think he sings very well…oh the horror, right?).  Whatever.  I’m proud to say that I’m a bad NJ citizen.  The state is made up of a bunch of douchebags.  And if you’re taking offense to that last statement, then you’re probably one of them.

Speaking of hating NJ, I have a five year plan (tentively) for getting out of this armpit of hell otherwise known as the Northeast.  I have to get out of here.  It’s too populated, every one is an asshole, and I’ve been here my whole fucking life.  I have two places in mind…Charleston, SC and Boulder, CO.  I plan to live in one of those places in the next five years.  I wish I could go now and if I happen to come into some money…I’d be out of here.

That idiot Richard, who keeps emailing me, has done it again (see posts below to read about it).  I have finally remembered to block his email address, so at least I won’t see them anymore.  The last one he wrote described him coming to my job and going down on me at my desk.  He’s trying really hard, isn’t he?  He’s not even writing it in a way that is remotely erotic or enticing.  It’s just…I want to eat you out.  It is just not hot or sexy or anything but nasty and pervy.  Yuck. 

I’ve taken on a 2nd job, selling Avon.  I kind of love it.  I’ve been doing it for a month and it’s super fun.  I love Avon’s products, so it’s very easy to sell.  If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll give you the link to my webstore.  My real name is attached to it, so I won’t link to it from here. 

Bloglines sucks.  I read all of the blogs I link to on Bloglines…until recently when I realized that many of you have been updating your blogs and Bloglines hasn’t been getting the feeds.  If you’re blog is up on my roll (why did that just make me laugh) and I haven’t commented in a long while, it’s because of Bloglines.  I’m hoping that I’ve taken care of the problem, but if not I’ll have to go all old school and click on every blog in the roll.  Sorry about that, you know I love you all.

Where has Mr. Wood been?

And finally, I’m in a book!  Go here for more information and to buy the book.  Everyone must buy the book.  Go now.  Go on.  Right now.  Thanks to the lovely Peach and her crew of angels for putting together this wonderful project for charity! 

Stay tuned for tomorrow for “Ask Debbie Anything”.

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Oh, I’m soooooo back to my normal idiot self

One of my famous numbered lists because it’s old school Fresh Air Lover and because I’m back to my dumb-ass and ridiculous self.

1. Let’s start with Monday. I finally spoke to Mr. Wood (aka Construction worker I’ve been all kinds of crushing on…he’s a carpenter). Don’t get too excited, he sneezed and I said bless you and then he said thanks and I smiled and then he smiled and then we stared at each other for about 20 minutes which is how long the train ride home is and…the end. I’m a smooth operator, don’t be jealous.
2. I moved my desk at work and it’s very nice. Very very nice.
3. I was wearing my favorite pair of pants on Tuesday. They are too big on me now. Everything is too big on me. So, I’m wearing them and I’m in the bathroom looking at the sagging ass of the pants when I notice that my waistband is sticking out. They have a thick waistband with those hook-type thingies instead of buttons. I looked down at this protruding waistband and I had a thought, which is usually bad. My thoughts are often retarded.  I thought it looked like I had a package. You know, package that boys usually (hopefully, you know what I mean) come with.  I shared this with one of my good friends to which she replied, “GET AWAY FROM ME YOU NUT.” Yeah, I’m sorry for that Dawn.
4. I got so irritated by the OxiClean guy on Tuesday night. I just hate his grating, irritating, obnoxious, constipated sounding voice. I believe I raised a fist and yelled, “Shut up you stupid fucker” or something like that when I heard someone clear their throat. Real close to where I was standing. It was the new guy who lives downstairs. He scared the shit out of me. I didn’t hear him come up my steps because I was concentrating intently on telling off the commercial. I also forgot my door was open. It was weird explaining my sad personality and anger issues to someone I don’t know very well. He looked a little weirded out.
5. Period talk, consider yourself warned. I woke up this morning to bad cramps and what looked like a crime scene on my sheets. I haven’t bled like that in a very long time. What was even more terrible is that I was really lightheaded all morning. I feel better now and my flow has backed off, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit concerned.
6. I haven’t seen Mr. Wood since our big conversation on Monday…bless you…and I’m pissed because I’ve dressed up and put some effort into my appearance every day this week. I even had my knee-high leather boots and eyeshadow on today.
7. I could eat a whole baguette right now. This is the stuff I crave during menses. Not chocolate, but bread. With bruschetta. Or guacamole. Or butter. Or plain. Or the Alfredo dipping sauce at the Olive Garden. Ohhhhh, now I really want some bread.

And lastly, I feel like we need some Tool up on this shit.

…I sure could use a vacation from this stupid shit, silly shit, stupid shit…Fuck L Ron Hubbard and Fuck all his clones. Fuck all those gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes. Learn to swim. Fuck retro anything. Fuck your tattoos. Fuck all you junkies and Fuck your short memory. Learn to swim. Fuck smiley glad-hands With hidden agendas. Fuck these dysfunctional, Insecure actresses. Learn to swim…

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I ain’t buying no pig

A coworker of mine emailed me this quote today and I thought it was post-worthy.

“For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.”…Andy Rooney

 All of my blogs updated.  You can find the list of my blogs here. 

Yesterday, as I was driving home from my mother’s house, I saw a group of pre-pubescent boys running across the street.  When they got to the other side, one of them fell to the ground and started humping the ground while the other kids clapped and thrust their hips.  I wouldn’t have been surprised if they all had whipped out their little cheese doodles and started a circle jerk, but I don’t think these kids were old enough to get boners yet.  Oh, and this wasn’t a back street.  It was one of the major roads near my house.

I now know what kind of vehicle my Construction Worker drives.  I parked near it in hopes this will open up conversation or something.  My mom, whom I carpool with, is having surgery on Wednesday and will be out of work for 4-5 weeks.  This should allow me to make my move more comfortably.  I told my mom she was the ultimate cock-blocker.  She laughed so hard she cried.  But it’s true.  Who wants to hit on someone with their mom standing right there?

I watched the movie 300 and I just didn’t get it.  It was horrible.  I don’t think I have enough testosterone to enjoy a movie like that.  And did those guys have the 6-pack airbrushed onto their abs, cause it sure looked that way.

There’s a tree near my house that has about 20 hawks in it.  I can’t stop staring at it.  It’s awesome.

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Come here at once

Ah, I just got out of a very hot bath and I’m totally relaxed.

I have random retardedness to talk about, so here it goes:

1. The construction guy that I’ve had a crush on for months was checking me out.  At least, that’s what I was told today.  He was waiting for the train and my stomach clenched when I saw him.  I got all kinds of nervous and ran to the next car.  He gets off at the same stop as I do, so I summoned my balls and walked slow so that maybe I could smile at him.  Yeah, I know.  Smile.  Very very forward.  Anyhow, I was walking in front of him and was told that he was totally checking me out with a smile on his face.  Maybe I’ll get the courage to talk to him sometime.  But, I’m so out of practice that I have no idea what to say.  How about “Hey, I’d love to be your blowjob queen” or “I need a good spanking” or “I give good anal”.  I know, those are really archaic and prudish.  Maybe I’ll start with a simple smile and a hello.  I’ll wait until we’re dating for a while before I go all old-fashioned on him like that.
2.  I’m having a love affair with mushrooms that is epic and awe inspiring.  I could make a different mushroom dish each day and be happy.  Nay…I could eat the same mushroom dish every day and still be happy because it has mushrooms in it.
3. The forest of Endor is currently residing on my legs and I’m not removing it until the weather gets warmer or I go on a fucking date.
4. I love the new show New Amsterdam.  That’s all.
5. I’ve lost 32 lbs since the beginning of January.  I’m working out 5 days a week and plan on running my first mini-marathon in a few months.  Bellydancing is still a lot of fun and I’m practicing yoga.
6. The last Harry Potter movie will be split in two and I’m happier than a grown woman should be.
7. I need some ideas for books to read.  Bring the recommendations on.
8. Is it bad that I was so engrossed in a romance novel I picked up at the laundry mat the other night that I couldn’t put it down to go to bed?  Yeah, I thought so.  Pathetic.
9. There is a huge billboard on the side of one of the roads near my house that features a woman on the toilet making a horrible face and the words “IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME?”  If there wasn’t so much traffic I would have stopped and took a picture.  The best billboard ever.
10. All of this religious text reading gives me a headache.  I have so much to say that I’m having trouble making sense of my frantic notes and putting everything in some kind of comprehensible paragraph.  All I have to say is that all roads from the garden are leading to more than just the Abrahamic religions.  I’m talking about deep reading into all kinds of texts that were written before the Old Testament.  I know that this isn’t a surprise to those of you who know something about history and human kind, but this study could seriously be a life’s journey.  I’m so fucking fascinated, challenged, humbled, and horrified by what I’m reading in all of these texts…especially the famous ones like The Old Testament and Qu’ran.  The politics and propaganda contained in these stories are amazing.  If there is indeed one almighty god out there, he is embarrassed and ashamed of us for writing these stories in his name.  The stories are so ridiculously human that I find it absolutely appalling that after several millennia of existence, people are still allowing themselves to be governed by a bunch of stories and duped by a bunch of people manipulating those stories to fit their own agendas.  Unbelievable.  What does Sophia say about this, I wonder?  You know, the gods didn’t give us humans such big brains if they didn’t want us to use them and question things.  And by things, I mean all things including religion and existence…not just how to turn lightening into managed electric.
11.  Wish me luck with the construction worker.  I haven’t been this squirrelly around a man in years.  No lie.  I’m fucking skittish, shy, and backward around him.  I want to bite his chin.  Yeah, I’m weird.

Okay, I’m back to watching American Idol and listening to Paula Abdul provide a perfect example of what the opposite of eloquent speech is.  It’s painful, isn’t it?

Kisses..

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