Archive for the ‘Yeah I’m a dork’ Category

My bout with the plague is just about over. It seems now that I feel better, I’m sleeping more than I was when I was sick. I’m exhausted.

There are many things you don’t care about when you feel like you’ve been repeatedly beaten with a damn bat.

  • Washing one’s hair isn’t on any priority list. My hair is so dirty right now, it’s almost clean again.
  • Changing one’s clothes. I finally changed my pajamas yesterday morning, which is good because I’m sure it could wash itself.
  • Cooking one’s food. This week is the only time I have ever regretted my stance on not eating pre-made or pre-packaged food. I have eaten very little this week because I just don’t have the energy to cook. This is why I need a boyfriend. Yup. Not for anything else than to have someone take care of me when I’m sick.
  • Answering the phone. I hardly answered the phone. I hardly heard it ringing.
  • TV. Not that there is anything on the television, but I watched the Food Network when the TV was on. I did watch movies the other day, but it doesn’t count because I fell asleep during both of them.
  • Anything going on outside. Yeah. I had no idea what the weather was, if Britney was still fucking nuts, or if zombies did indeed take over the world but just hadn’t gotten to me yet because even they didn’t want the germs I was oozing.

So, it’s back to real life tomorrow. Yay!

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I love snow. I really do. I love the winter too. I’m a weirdo.

My birthday is in 4 days. I hope it snows on my birthday! That would be awesome!

I took a personal day tomorrow, so I have a 4 day weekend. I wish it would snow the whole weekend. I’m going to do a snow dance right now.

That’s all.

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So, I’m in TN and the visit with my aunt is going quite well. To be honest, I can’t wait to get back home. I miss my bed and such.

Christmas as great. I reconciled with my father and sisters, so the holiday was especially nice. My younger sister looks absolutely adorable pregnant. She has that glow. My other sister looks horrible. I wish she’d start taking care of herself, but what can we do. She’s going to live her life the way she wants.

I spent Christmas Eve at my father’s and then Christmas Day at my mom’s. It was exhausting and wonderful. Everyone loved the gifts I bought them and it was so much fun to watch them opening their gifts. I love that part of Christmas. It takes me forever to pick out gifts for people and I just love when I hit it on the head perfectly. I bought my mom a gorgeous silver watch and I couldn’t wait to give it to her. She told me months ago that she wanted one, so all I did was hope that she didn’t buy it for herself. She didn’t.

Of course, I was spoiled as usual. I mostly get things I need, but some surprises were thrown in. I got the following presents:

  • a new digital camera
  • a wok
  • Japanese cooking ingredients
  • a cheese serving set in a Tuscan theme
  • a vacuum
  • house phones
  • clothes
  • gift cards
  • books
  • food processor
  • a deep large skillet
  • makeup
  • closet organizers
  • two beautiful rings
  • a wine rack
  • wine

I think that’s it. I’m totally spoiled and I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m not really. I gave $100 to St. Jude’s and $100 to American Cancer Society for Christmas. I also bought toys for Toys for Tots and I even bought a whole food order for a family in need. I think I did more than most people, so I shouldn’t feel too guilty about the gifts I received.

So, yesterday my mom, my aunt, and I drove an hour to Franklin, TN to see the Carlton Plantation and the McGavock Confederate Cemetery. I had just finished reading the book Widow of the South and was so moved by it that when I heard that I was only an hour from where this novel takes place, I had to see.

The book is fiction and based on the famous Battle of Franklin and Carrie McGavock, at the end of the American Civil War. I’m not a huge Civil War buff, but reading this book and now seeing that place…I find the subject to be highly fascinating.

Anyhow, the Battle of Franklin was a huge blow to the Confederates. Of the 10,000 casualties, theirs counted for 7,000. You see, one of the Confederate generals decided that he would get together 22,000 troops for a full frontal assault on the Federal Army, whose numbers were about 23,000. The battle only lasted 5 hours and more people died in those hours than in any other battle in U.S. history. This includes those who died on the beaches of Normandy. The battle is also unique in that it was fought mostly at night and there was much close range and hand-to-hand combat. Crazy, huh?

There was a plantation house less than a mile from this battle, named Carnton. This is where most of the book takes place. The house was used as a field hospital and at one point there were about 300 injured men in the house. Amputations were done in the downstairs parlor and the removed limbs were thrown out the window. It was rumored that there was a huge rotting pile of limbs in the backyard and piles of bodies in the garden. You can still see blood stains in the upstairs bedrooms of the plantation house. You can see the outline of buckets and there is one spot where it looks like a doctor was standing and the blood was just dripping off onto the floor. It’s a huge circle with drops everywhere.

Two years after the battle, the field where roughly 2,000 soldiers were buried in shallow graves was in danger. Many of the grave markers were being used for firewood and some of the bones were being dug up by animals, so the McGavocks (the family that owned Carnton) deeded two acres of their land to be used as a Confederate cemetery. It took three weeks to move the bodies and each was put in a pine box and buried in a numbered plot in the cemetery. A book was kept with the list of names. This book is still in the house. Amazingly, they were able to identify 60% of the bodies.

Word started getting out about this cemetery and letters started pouring in, families asking about their sons, husbands, fathers, etc. The first family members started showing up about 3 years after the cemetery was completed and from then on, Carrie McGavock (the woman the book Widow of the South is about) would go out to the cemetery with the families and mourn with them. And when the families couldn’t find their loved one, she would still mourn. They say she mourned for all of the unknown soldiers because they had no one else to mourn them. This is why they called her Widow of the South.

What a story! I took some pictures of this place and I hope you enjoy them. And you should really go visit this interesting place in our history. It’s quite remarkable that the place is still very much intact and preserved.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton020-1.jpg” alt=”
The front door of Carnton.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton001-1.jpg” alt=”
The back porch of Carnton. It’s said that 4 Confederate generals lay on this porch dead.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton023.jpg” alt=”
A better picture of the back porch.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton015.jpg” alt=”
The foundation where the old house used to be and the smokehouse. When the big house was built, they made the old house into the kitchens. It was destroyed when a tornado hit it in the early 1900’s.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton019.jpg” alt=”
Another view of the porch and smokehouse.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton017.jpg” alt=”
The slave quarters.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton018.jpg” alt=”
The spring house where they kept perishables like eggs, milk, and fruit. The water would come up about 2 feet and the evaporation would keep these items fresh longer.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton002-1.jpg” alt=”
Cemetery sign.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton004.jpg” alt=”
Carrie (Widow of the South) and John McGavock’s headstone.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton014.jpg” alt=”
The family cemetery.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton007.jpg” alt=”
Confederate Cemetery sign.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton008.jpg” alt=”
The cemetery.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton010-1.jpg” alt=”
Information about the cemetery.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton009-1.jpg” alt=”
One of the markers indicating which company is buried there. The cemetery is organized by the company of state for which the men buried fought.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton013-1.jpg” alt=”
Another marker.

<img src=”http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k230/freshairlover/Carnton/Carnton012-1.jpg” alt=”
A nice picture of the cemetery with the house behind it.

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My sister and baby nephew are staying over night. My sister just read my blog and started laughing uncontrollably about me being obsessed with birds. Fuck her.

What’s so fucking funny, Shell? Huh?

Birds are cool.

This post is making her hysterical.

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I’m obsessed with birds. I love watching them in the air. Practicing their flying patterns. They way the soar overhead. I watch them with envy. Some say it’s the Aquarius in me. Air sign. Maybe I was a bird in another life.

My favorite birds are raptors. I often get mesmerized when I see them circling above my house. I have to stop what I’m doing and watch. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I just think they’re majestic. Have you ever seen a hawk or falcon close up? A golden eagle? They are so beautiful. So wild. Truly wild, you know. They look at you with eyes that startle you. Wise eyes. Eyes that you are honored to have land upon your own if only for a second.

Yoga is becoming something of a spiritual journey for me. It’s supposed to be. I find myself losing touch with the outside world as I work my body into the different asanas and practice my pranayama, I get a feeling that I can only describe as high. I get high from yoga. It’s like I’m tripping, moving from one pose to the next. Breath flowing. Ashtanga vinyasa yoga is slowly changing me. Making me better. Exalting me.

I wonder sometimes if this high feeling is like flying. I think of birds a lot while I’m in poses. Especially when holding challenging asanas. I think of my body being light like a birds. Being able to fly. Being buoyant. Muscles loose and flexible. When I doubt I can control my breath, I think of the time a hawk looked me in the eyes. For some reason, his eyes steady me. They ground me.

I know I sound like a fruit talking like this, but there is more to me than sex, boobs, and cursing. I only eat organic food. I only eat what I make myself. I have decided to treat my body like I would a god’s body. With respect and love. People treat their cars better than they treat their bodies. I’m not one of them.


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I got an amazing pedicure tonight. So good that you could have put me in front of a bus and whatever. I wouldn’t move.

And I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks, so my legs are nice and soft.

If any guys cringed at my saying that I hadn’t shaved my legs in three weeks, piss off. Take a look at your own legs and, better yet, take a look at your nether regions. Yup.

Right now, my boobs are sore. It sucks.

I bought a faux fur throw blanket tonight. It is the softest fucking blanket I have ever owned in my life. I keep petting it. And it was 50% off too.

Tomorrow, I’m talking about sex. Stay tuned.

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Last night whilst waiting for my tea to brew I heard the lady downstairs singing the following ‘song’ at the top of her lungs, “I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY, I’M SO IN LOVE”. She sang this for ten minutes. And who stood there and listened to her sing this retarded ditty? Me.

It was awesome.

I haven’t heard any sex sounds or bed thumping, but I’m sure the lady downstairs and her new man are fucking. Hence the singing. Right?

Anywho, I don’t want to think about them fucking anymore.

Oh, and I’m totally embarrassed to admit that I’m addicted to the Bachelor. Seriously embarrassed. I mean, not as embarrassed as I would be if I was actually on the show. But I’m pretty embarrassed all the same.

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If you didn’t chuckle reading that e-card, then I have no idea why you like me.

Anywho, I had a fantastically relaxing weekend. I needed to recover. I was so damn tired all week.

Only one thing happened that interrupted my chill out. And what would my life be without drama?

I was petting Stella Marie as she relaxed on my office window sill. I saw a movement in the backyard. It was Mullet Man.

I was told that he wasn’t welcome here on the weekends and I knew that my downstairs neighbor wasn’t home. Actually, none of my neighbors were home, as one of the neighbor’s daughters was getting married yesterday.

So, I see Mullet Man out in the backyard petting the dog and I decide to sit down and watch what he does. He comes over to the pool with a wrench in his hand and takes two of the Tiki torches down. He goes back into the garage and then he stands in the middle of the backyard looking from one neighbor’s house to the other. He wasn’t looking up to see me watching him, but he stood there for about 5 minutes. He then came to the door and knocked a few times. Nobody answered, they weren’t home, so he went back into the middle of the yard and looked around some more.

He then walked back to the door and picked up a foot rest from one of the chairs. I decided it was a good time to walk downstairs and confront him. I was walking down the driveway and didn’t see him or the foot rest. I walked all the way back in the yard and watched the house. I saw no sign of him.

So, I start going down the driveway and I saw his arm from the front door. As I’m walking up, I see a boombox sitting on the step and he’s in the house. Yep, he broke in.

I walk upstairs to get my phone and I call my neighbor to let her know that Mullet Man’s in the house. I’m coming down the stairs and ready to call 911, like I was told to, and I see her pulling in driveway. I run over to her as she walking in her back door and tell her that Mullet Man’s in the house. She walks through the house and he isn’t there. This all happened in a span of 5 minutes.

He must have seen me walking around and split.

She went to the police and they went to him to tell him that he can’t step one foot onto the property or he’ll be arrested.

Seriously, I’m sick of this shit.

Today, I put up orange lights for Halloween and did some yard work. I didn’t lose enough weight to be Betty Page for Halloween, so I’m going to be a victim from The Birds. With a big ass crow in my hair and my eye plucked out. Awesome, right?

Something has been going on my life that I’m not ready to really talk about yet. But, I’m going to copy some lyrics to a song that is so fucking appropriate for my situation it’s scary. I hate when people put lyrics on their blogs, but this is a hint and is a teaser, sort of. So melodramatic, I know.

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it.
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through.
And just because I call you up,
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made.
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

I like to see you, but then again,
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me.
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss –
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us.
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

I keep your picture upon the wall.
It hides a nasty stain that’s lying there.
So don’t you ask me to give it back.
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me.
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me.
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time.
I’m not in love, I’m not in love…

Peace out, bitches.

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Dear Coca-Cola,

I’m confused. You have made too many choices available. I’m not sure what to do.

Once upon a time, there was Coke and Diet Coke. I was happy. I’m a Diet Coke girl and I lived my life being sure of that.

I was okay with you introducing caffeine free choices because, hey, some people would like a decaf choice.

I was even okay with Diet Cherry Coke and Diet Coke with Lime. I knew what I was getting into with this. Did I want Cherry? No. Did I want Lime? Maybe, as long as there was some rum…yum.

But today, I went to the store to get my carbonated beverage of choice and what do I find? Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Diet Coke Plus, Diet Coke with Splenda, Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Coke with Lime….holy fuck.

What do I do?

Do I want minerals and vitamins with my Coke? If it doesn’t change the taste, why not just add the vitamins and minerals into the Diet Coke and leave it at that? What advertise a separate product with the vitamins and minerals? Cause it’s a gimmick? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

What’s the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero? Both have no calories. And do I want one with NutraSweet or Splenda? Shit.

Let’s not forget caffeine free.



What do I do?

I didn’t realize there was such a huge demand for variety in diet soft drinks. Do people really care? I usually go about my day sure of myself and confident in the decisions I make and now Coca-Cola has succeeded in making me doubt myself so much that I skipped my daily can of Diet Coke for lunch.

I bought a Diet Dr. Pepper. So easy.


Maybe less if more. Cliche or not, it’s true.

Yours sincerely,

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I went to my niece’s play last night. She’s 7 years old. She loves being in these shows, so I was excited to see her do her thing. She was in the opening number and it was adorable. So, a few more songs were sung and they were going to the next scene when I smelled something burning.

I turned to my stepdad and asked him if he smelled it. He said yeah. So, we figured someone was smoking outside and threw a cigarette in a trashcan. But, the smell was getting more intense and was coming from the stage. My stepbrother, a cop, got up to check things out and we heard doors opening and rustling. Then we heard a kid start coughing really bad.

The fire alarm went off and we proceeded out the exits. It’s amazing to see how people will run out of the place in front of the handicapped and old. I helped a woman in a walker. There were others helping out. They opened the curtain and the amount of smoke that was behind there was unbelievable. I got out of the building and found everyone. Of course, the play was canceled. Morgan was a little upset. She saw the fire and was a little nervous.

Nobody was really hurt, the coughing was from the fire extinguisher. It was kind of a bummer. I really wanted to see the little miss do her thang.

Now, it’s time for some absolutely classic Debbie retardedness. Sit down and enjoy. Maybe you should get a beer or a cup of tea.

  1. I was dropping something off at a friend’s house the other day and she had one of her friends there. I’m not really crazy about this woman, but she’s not my friend so who cares. I was asked to stay for a drink, and I did. My friend’s friend was clearly upset about something. She looked like she was crying. I asked if I was interrupting anything and they say no. My friend’s friend took a deep breath and said that she had an accident on Saturday. I thought she had a car accident or something, so I started to give some kind words when she blurted out, “I peed my pants in front of my boyfriend.” Now, I’m someone who knows something about peeing pants. I’ve even pooped my pants. Like, last year. So, I told her that. She started laughing really hard and suddenly we were fast friends. Groovy, I know.
  2. Monday morning my boobs were hurting me. I was PMS’ing and they were so fucking sore. I decided to rub them to ease up the pain a bit. Oh, did I tell you I was at work? No, well I was. It’s was about 7:05 AM and nobody were there yet. Or so I thought. I’m in mid-rub ecstasy when one of my cubicle neighbors turns the corner. He looked at me quickly and then looked away. He’s a family man, kind of square, so I’m pretty sure he was thinking, “Look at this nut feeling herself up.”
  3. Today, I was wearing a very pretty blue dress. I remembered perfume and everything. So, I was drinking my coffee and I tipped back to drink the last bits and I spilled it down the front of me. I think I have a hole in my chin because I do this often. Anyhow, I smelled like perfumed coffee all day. Fucking gross.
  4. I went to a Quizzo happy hour my company held on Tuesday. It was sort of fun. The thing I hate about these happy hours is that the whole company is invited to these things, but one department seems to be so fucking impressed with themselves that they make the thing about them. My department always seems like the red-headed stepchild of the company, yet we’re the money makers. Anyhow, I can’t stand people at my company. Fucking bitches. Even the men.
  5. I went for a run the other night. As I really got into it and am at a great pace, I felt a booger. I ignored it, or tried to, and kept going. But, it was getting really annoying and I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the booger. After a few more minutes of the booger tickling my nose, I did something I haven’t done since I was a child….I picked my nose. Not only do I pick the booger out, but I flicked the booger off my finger. I was outside, so it’s okay. I can’t believe I picked my nose. Ew.
  6. I went into the ladies room at work and there was a big turd in the stall I walked into. For some reason, I’m like the all-time jackpot winner when it comes to picking the stall that someone left shit in or just shit the smelliest poo ever in. It’s a gift, I know you’re jealous. This poo was different than any I’d ever seen. It was orange. But not like a brownish orange, but this orange. Yeah, I know. Who has orange shit? I sometimes have a red shit, because I eat a lot of beets, but it’s never orange. I suppose I have a new mystery to solve. It’s always about poo.
  7. My neighbor is moving my trash can’s again. It’s so fucking annoying. And I think that Inbred Nephew is in jail. I haven’t seen him in months and he’s usually here all summer. It’s the only thing I can think of. I know, as of May, he had lost his license because of several DUIs. So classy, I know.
  8. My sister’s husband fucked their brand new computer. He downloaded some porn and got a serious virus, but he’s so computer illiterate that instead of running Norton’s he just ignored it and turned the computer off. Nice, huh?
  9. The other night, I sat on my porch and practiced my Woody Woodpecker laugh and now I’m a pro. Don’t ask me why I was doing this. I get bored and this kind of brilliance comes to me. I like to do the laugh in my kitchen cause it kind of echos. I know I’m cooler than you, deal with it.
  10. I’ve been thinking and have come to the conclusion that I would let Ed Norton fuck me in the ass on the first date. He wouldn’t even have to buy me dinner. A drink would suffice. I’m a dirty whore, who the fuck cares you judgmental bastards. You know you’d do it too.

And that’s all folks.

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