…just not on this blog.  I’ve been writing my book.  Seriously…I’ve been writing a couple hours a night and I’m almost finished the first chapter.  Between writing and research for the book, and work and real life, I haven’t had time to update this little thingy.

But don’t worry.

I have several things I have to talk about which I will get to this week.  I promise.  Here they are, just to tease you and make you check in:

  1. I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance that infuriated me.  It’s about love, sex, and marriage.
  2. My heart is a whore and I’m trying very hard to learn how to be different.  I will explain.
  3. The sale of the deceased old lady next door’s things.  The yardsale is this coming weekend.  I’m emotional about it.

I will also try to catch up on all of your blogs.  I haven’t been reading anything.  I’m such a bad blogger.

Talk to you all soon.

Nobody cares if your ass itches.


I’m tired.  I don’t know why.  It’s just one of those weeks.  I’ve had a few really bad days and I’m super bloated.  Like super bloated.  And my poop isn’t right.  I don’t know what’s going on, but it sucks.

I was sitting around last night thinking, really thinking, and an idea for a book slammed into me.  The idea isn’t at all like anything I’ve ever thought of writing.  The genre is wrong, but the story is coming to me and I’m really excited about it.  My toes are tingling.  Now, I just have to get over my fear and start writing.  I already have about 7 pages of notes from just last night.  I even bought a voice recorder in case something comes to me and I can’t write fast enough.  Wish me luck.

I will not discuss what the book is about.  Ever.  Not that I don’t love you all, but I don’t want to jinx it or have anyone steal it.

If I had the energy to explain why I’m so exhausted, I would.  I just don’t feel like writing about.  But, I could sleep for a whole day or more.  It’s my fantasy right now.  Sleep.  I have 5 whole days off next weekend and I can’t freakin wait.  I’m going MIA.  Seriously MIA.

I miss my neighbor.  It hit me yesterday, hard.  It’s been 1 month since she died and I miss talking to her.  I still look over at her porch expecting her to be there.  It’s just…weird.  I’m going to visit her grave tomorrow and have a chat.  I think it will make me feel better.

I’ll put together a new playlist tomorrow, if anyone cares.  Yeah, I will lie to myself and say that everyone will be chewing their hands off with excitement at what music I’ll pick this time.  Yes.  Lie to myself.

That’s all for now.  Thanks for reading.

Last Sunday, we had huge storms come through.  I recorded my latest podcast during the storms.  Apparently, my downstairs neighbors let their cat, Tigger, out in between storms because when I got home from work on Monday they were frantically yelling for him.  I have some very strong opinions about people who let their pets run around the neighborhood—they shouldn’t.  Tigger doesn’t wear a collar.  He’s an alley cat, so he’s always howling to get outside.  I’m used to seeing him around the yard, having given up on trying to talk my neighbor into keeping him inside.

On Wednesday, I asked about the cat and they still hadn’t found him.  The neighbors had gone door to door, visited the local animal shelter, and even went to the police station with no success.  They were scared he was stuck somewhere, locked in someone’s garage or basement.  On Friday night, I was coming home from a ridiculous evening at my father’s when Jim, my guy neighbor, stopped me to tell me that they found Tigger.  He was dead under their back patio.  It looks like he died from natural causes, he was just curled up with no trauma or anything.  Jim had to rip up the planks of wood on the patio to get him out.  I visited the little guy’s grave today and said bye.

Seriously, I’m sick of death.  Not one more this year, at least, or I’m going to freak the fuck out.

Other than the evening at my dad’s and his house full of people who don’t fucking work and are half retarded, ohhhh I’ll have to write a whole other post to explain that shit, I’ve had a beautifully silent weekend.  I did things at my leisure, laundry and grocery shopping, with no one bothering me and calling me at all hours.  I watched movies, surprising myself by enjoying Enchanted and Penelope way more than I thought I would.  I also read all weekend.  It was awesome.

The kittens are driving me crazy.  Hayden wants to party all the time and Nina isn’t happy unless she’s laying on me.  And I’m not allowed to walk around without Nina under my feet.  I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her because I’m tripping over her so much.  Hayden keeps biting my feet and Nina keeps chewing my laptop while I’m typing this.  They’re driving me crazy.  They are sooooo lucky I love them. Roslin and Stella are still awesome and well-behaved.

And finally, fuck you Warner Bros.  Seriously.  What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Thinking.  How dare you move Harry Potter back 8 months.  You greedy fuckers.  Really.  You blame it on the writer’s strike, but the movie finished shooting months ago.  This is seriously rude.  The movie better be the best one yet or I will put a curse on your whole studio.  You assholes.

Yes, that last paragraph demonstrates how little of a life I have and yet I don’t care.  I’m pissed.  I had a whole Harry Potter weekend planned with my nephew and I had to call him and tell him that we have to wait not 3 months, but almost a year.

Oh, and I chopped my hair off.  Think Ashley Judd’s hair in Someone Like You.

Did you ever have one of those days where you think you smell?  No?  Well, I’m having one of those days.  I’m pretty sure I don’t smell, I showered this morning and everything.  But, I keep thinking that maybe I do.  I think I look busted today, so I guess that might be a reason for my thinking I smell.  Oh well. 

We have a 3rd comfortable shitter on my floor at work.  She’s a new addition to the floor and apparently without shame when going poo.  I was in the bathroom tinkling and I heard heavy breathing and little moans coming from the stall next to me.  Now, as I was finishing up my business I figured that either someone was making love to oneself (I suppose some people are just so sexy they can’t wait until they get home) or someone is taking a highly enjoyable dump.  It was the latter.  How do I know?  Plop plop fart fart, duh.  As if the moaning and panting weren’t enough to classify this ‘lady’ as a comfortable shitter, she went a step further and solidified the new label by coming out of the stall with a newspaper in her hand. 

Like I have said before, you shouldn’t be that comfortable in a bathroom at work. 

And finally, I need some help.  People of the world, can you please tell me how Toby Keith is famous?  He scares me and I think he’s almost retarded.  Yes, explain this fame he has.

I feel like it hasn’t rained a healthy steady rain in months here. It’s been raining all day and I love it. Soaking, steady, cleansing rain. It’s supposed to be cool and rainy all week. For someone who hates the summer, like me, this is awesome news.

I know I’m behind the times, but I read the whole Twilight Series and I loved it. A friend at work lent me Twilight about a month ago and I put off reading it for whatever reason. I never heard of the book before and it sounded a bit hokey. A girl falling in love with a vampire. Yeah, like I haven’t heard or read that one before. Well, I got sucked in and loved the book. And then I found out that the fourth book just came out, with much fanfare which I again missed, and I immediately went out and bought all four books in hardcover. I loved each book. And I just found out that they made a movie of the first book, Twilight, and I’m really excited to see it when it comes out. The trailer looks really interesting. I hope they stayed true to the story, because it’s quite a beautiful, and strange, love story.

Oh, and I forgot to share a fun little story with you all. On Friday, I was walking back to work from the Reading Terminal Market at lunchtime and my skirt blew up over my head. Yup. I was walking over a subway grate and a train must have gone past, and the next thing I knew my skirt was blocking my vision. Luckily, I was wearing panties.

And now, for those of you interested, I have recorded a Podcast where I talk about the songs on my playlist and what they mean to me.  You can listen to it here if you want.

Music is okay again…

It’s a relief that I’m finally able to listen to music without wanting to jump off a bridge, screaming, crying, or shaking like a mental case. Today, I listened loud and long, and found that my love will never let me down.

In celebration of this, I have decided to periodically create playlists that represent what I’m feeling…music that is really affecting me lately. You’ll find a link to my playlist right there on the sidebar. I hope you enjoy it.

It’s been a week since I last wrote.  I can’t tell you all how many times I have opened my computer with good intentions of updating this space only to find myself shutting the laptop with an impatient snap.  I’m tired and bored with myself and life in general.  I’m also bitter.  About everything.  I’m hiding it well, I think, but it’s there.  I told someone today that bitter isn’t a color that looks good on me.  It’s true.  I suppose I’ll snap out of it soon.

With that bit of brightness out of me, I’ll give you a bit of an udate about myself.

  1. I’m afraid to listen to music.  Not music on the radio.  Most of that is rubbish.  I’m talking about my favorite music.  The music that usually soothes me.  I can’t bring myself to listen to it.  I get anxious just thinking about it.  I’m afraid I’ll lose it.
  2. I never thought I’d admit this, but I’m watching Big Brother and it’s sucked me in.  So embarrassing.
  3. I’m not running right now.  My foot is done.  I’m taking a break.  I am exercising in my apartment, doing aerobics, yoga, and stuff like that.
  4. I found this great shirt on the clearance rack at Target.  It’s a short-sleeved, zippered hoodie with cool patterns on it.  My kind of price too $4.98.  So, I bought 3 of them.  I could seriously wear them everyday.
  5. I started eating meat again.  I feel better.  I was struggling with vegetarianism.  I was hungry all of the time.  ALL OF THE TIME.  Like stomach growling hungry.  Light-headed hungry.  I had to do something. 
  6. The Harry Potter teaser trailer is awesome.  The young Tom Riddle looks so creepy.  I can’t freakin wait.

That’s all folks.  i wish I had more to talk about.

This has been one of the worst weeks I can remember.  My aunt dying didn’t affect me like this.  It’s probably because she was so sick.

We buried my neighbor today.  It was just a simple graveside ceremony in the cemetery she shot herself in.  About 30 people came to say goodbye to her.  I lost it about halfway through.  I’m just going to miss her.  By the time we laid the roses on her casket, I was sick with grief.  Now, I’m just exhausted.  It was a draining day.

Things I have found out about the incident…she went to the cemetery that was built across the street from the house she grew up in, on the land her grandfather once owned, where her grandfather and father are buried.  She went to the farthest point from those graves and shot each cats once, and then she shot herself twice in the chest and once in the head with an antique .38 pistol that belonged to her grandfather.

She was in financial ruin.  We think that she sent about $500,000 to the scam people.  We’re now going through the process of cleaning out her house.  In her will, she stated that I was to get second pick at her belongings.  I got a lamp I always loved and her bedroom furniture.

I found out that she only left packages to me and her childhood best friend.  Both of us received the bag of underwear with jewelry.  I now think that the underwear was in the bag to hide the fact that there was jewelry in there.

Other than that, I’m fine.  I haven’t slept well.  I haven’t worked out.  I haven’t been eating right.  But I’m fine.

Tomorrow, I get back to normal.  I went grocery shopping today and cooked dinner for myself…the first time I’ve done that in over a week.  I will work out after work.  I will go to sleep before midnight.


I miss my friend.

Thank you all for your beautiful emails and kind words in the comments.  Your words have meant the world to me.  I’m lucky to have such sweet readers.

Is it wrong to feel like this year has been a fucking nightmare already?  So much has happened.  Not normal everyday things, but big deal, only happens in movies, things have happened.  I’m tired of it.

Regular programming to begin shortly.

Thanks for your patience.

Last night, I was reading when I heard the old lady next door’s, BJ’s, car start.  I didn’t think anything of it because she always came and went whenever.

This morning, I saw that my mailbox was open.  Inside was a plastic bag with strange contents; girdles, panties, a change purse with a bunch of rings, and an Avon box with brand new jewelry in it.

I thought this was a weird thing.  BJ always left things in my mailbox for me.  Sometimes they were weird, but never this weird.  I just figured that she just wanted to give me some stuff.  I didn’t really look that closely.

I went to work and everything was normal.

I came home and saw two men in suits getting into cars parked in front of my house.  I thought this was strange.  When I pulled over to wait for them to leave, one of the men asked me if I lived there.  I said yes and couldn’t shake the ‘something is wrong’ feeling.

I notice that another neighbor’s, Mark’s, truck is parked in her driveway.  This isn’t unusual, but I still had an uneasy feeling.  I got upstairs and called her house.  Mark answered.

There was definitely something wrong.

I asked to speak with BJ and he had he unfortunate task of telling me that she ‘did herself in’ last night.


“She killed herself last night?”


“I’m sorry o be the one to tell you.”


“She shot herself.”


“She got everything in order yesterday, put all of the paperwork, will…everything in order, put her cats in the carrier, drove to a cemetary that was build on the land her grandfather owned (where she grew up), shot the cats, and then shot herself twice in the chest.”

“Oh my god.”

I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  Something in my mind cracked.  It’s still cracked.

BJ was one of my best friends.  I loved her.  When I was down and out, she helped me like her long lost granddaughter.  We looked after each other.  She drove me crazy and was stubborn and annoying, but I wouldn’t have had in any other way.

The fact that she felt so distraught that she had to end it all, it kills me.

What was she distraught about?  Money.  She lost everything in the Nigerian scam and instead of coming to us, she ended it.  She even sent an email to those crooks telling them that by the time they read her email, she would be dead.  She was about $200,000 in debt.

The fact that she shot the cats is even more disturbing, as she didn’t have children and they were her babies.  She would beat your ass is you looked at them wrong.  I can’t imagine how broken she must have been to take a gun and shoot her babies, and then after that shoot herself.  Maybe she was afraid that nobody would have taken care of them.  I don’t know.  I just keep thinking about her doing that.  It’s so upsetting.

But, she ended it on her own terms and she took her babies with her.

She left two notes for Mark.  She left the underpants (which from the look of them were given to me because she didn’t want people going through them) and jewelry for me.

That’s all that we know of.

She was 78 years old and it breaks my heart that she let money destroy her.  Money is just money.  It doesn’t really mean anything.  In the big picture, it doesn’t mean anything.

And yet, it destroyed one of the strongest people I know.

I am so heart broken and sad.  I wish I was magic.  I wish I controlled time.  I wish I could go and heal her.

I’m so sick of death.

Somebody come and hold me.