Come board this lunatic express–UPDATE

What a fucking week. Or two weeks. Or something like that.

I feel like I’ve lived ten lives from then until now.

This past weekend was filled with fun, not really. Two baby showers, an emergency vet visit, running retarded errands for my dad, picking up things like baby shower cakes, and generally losing my mind.

Friday night, I accompanied the old lady next door to Trader Joe’s. She seemed quite agitated and was driving like a nut. I found myself bracing for an accident several times. She always insists on driving and this time was terrible. She was going so fast, I kept asking her what was wrong and she told me nothing. We were in Trader Joe’s for about 10 minutes. She wanted to get in and get out. We then stopped at Boscov’s and I started to get annoyed. First she looked at furnature, next she looked at bedding. Taking her own sweet time. I was so damn tired. I could hardly pay attention to anything. All I wanted to do is go home.

I finally got back around 9, exhausted and stressed out from the crazy driving. I had trouble falling asleep because I kept thinking about my horribly busy weekend and how I wouldn’t have a moment to myself.

The first baby shower was on Saturday. It was for my great-aunt’s grand-daughter’s baby. Yeah, a little distant. My mom is very close to this aunt, so I went. I hate baby showers. Did I ever mention this? Hate them.

I got to see some of my more loser’ish relatives. Like my second cousin, Linda, who has been in and out of mental health hospitals and rehab clinics for years. She tried to kill her mother a few years ago. Stabbed her. She doesn’t have a tooth in her mouth and wasn’t wearing a bra, so her tits were at her stomach. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. Ding dong ding dong they went. And she brought her mother to the shower. Her mother, my great-aunt, is 80 and she can hardly walk. Linda didn’t even make sure her mother’s hair was combed or that her mother was bathed. My aunt smelled and it upset me. Not that my aunt is a stellar person. Her second husband molested all of her children and she knew about it. He then molested all of her grandchildren and she knew about that too. She actually defended him for years. She’s also very mean to the family. So, I guess she’s getting hers. I just hate when old people aren’t taken care of no matter how rotten their souls are.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I was late for the shower because I had to take Stella Marie to the vet for a butt issue. She had been scooting on the rug and licking her poopy (my word for my kitty’s ass) for a couple days and when I checked it out on Friday morning, it was horribly red and inflamed. To vet we go. My appointment was at 11:30 AM and I didn’t see the doctor until 1 PM. Apparently there was an emergency surgery being performed. A boxer ate a pair of g-string underwear. I guess we should listen to our mothers and put our underwear in the hamper, huh?

So, back to Stella. The doctor informs me that Stella needs her anal glands drained and a rectal exam. They take her in the back and the next thing I hear is my Stella Marie screaming. After about 10 minutes, the vet tech brings my poor kitty back in the room. Poor Stella looked harrassed and pissed off. The doctor came in and said that one of her glands was as hard as wax, but she drained it and that she should feel better soon. They shaved her ass and that’s why she was screaming. They sent me home with some powder to squirt on her poopy. That’s a fun time. I have to follow her around and catch her with her tail up, then squirt. I can’t describe what a joy it is.

After the shower, I had to pick up my dad’s girlfriend. Yes, he has a new girlfriend. Don’t get me started on this topic. Why can’t he find someone normal? He’s always picking these woman with mammoth problems. I don’t have the energy to comment on it right now. As I’m driving the girlfriend, who smells like stale cigarettes and perfume, my dad keeps calling me over and over again. What the fuck, right? It got to the point where I was yelling at him. They changed the law regarding driving and talking on cell phones in NJ. You can get pulled over and ticketed if the cops see you driving while on the phone. You can use hands-free, but I don’t have one yet. My dad is a cop…he knows I’m fucking driving and that I don’t have hands-free, and he keeps calling me. I truly believe I almost had an aneurysm from my annoyance. I got to his house and he says, “I just wanted to make sure you picked up my precious cargo.” I guess he meant the girlfriend because he was pointing at her. No, not me, the fruit of his loins…his fucking new girlfriend. Let’s change the subject.

Sunday was my little sister’s baby shower. She looks absolutely adorable. The shower was very nice and I didn’t know anyone but my sisters, my ex-stepmother, my mom, my dad, and my dad’s girlfriend. My ex-stepmother had no idea what she was doing, so my sister and I took over. She got some nice gifts and I’m really excited for my niece to come into the world.

So, that was my weekend.

A few things I’m thinking about right now:

1. Ewan McGregor is my fantasy right now. He’s just dreamy.
2. I just realized how long it’s been since I’ve had sex. Bummer.
3. I think I may have a hairline fracture in my heel. It’s been killing me for over a month now and running isn’t really helping it. Duh.

Update: I just reread that post and holy shit…I wrote like a retard. I’m sorry for all of the typos and stuff. I was watching TV and trying to write at the same time. This is something I obviously can’t do.